Fiance with Pornography Addiction

[Simple_One]

Hello all,

I am in need of prayers and advice. I’m getting married in a few months. My fiance and I have been together for several years now and he admitted to me in the beginning that he has a pornography/masturbation addiction. We are both practicing Catholics and are not sexually active. He had been working hard to get help for this problem and has for a while now been telling me (and it’s true) that it was under control. Just the other day, he told me that it’s no longer under control and he still has the problem.

He is a wonderful man in every way. This is a problem he has had a strong desire to shake for our good since the beginning, but it has been a terrible struggle.

I have read a lot of threads here about wives finding their husbands have porn addictions after marriage. I guess it’s a little scary knowing that we have this challenge just going into marriage. He is feeling hopeless. All I know to do is pray. We talked about whether being married would help to discourage the problem, but I know marriage does not solve any problems.

For women and men who have experienced these troubles, how did it or can it affect the marriage specifically? Do you think that being able to have sex once we’re married will stop his need to masturbate/look at porn? I’m just a bit lost.

Any thoughts?
Simple One

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

SimpleOne,

Fortunately, he has admitted the problem to you that way you can work on it together. I think that the best book that you can pass along to him is “The Good News of Sex and Marriage” by Christoher West. That is a book that knocked me on my butt when it comes to sex and marriage.

It can be a difficult road to travel, but getting this out in the open is good for both of you, good for the communication. I do not think that you should view marriage as “solving” the problem.

Just wanted to put in the suggestion for Christopher West’s book.

God Bless!

 

[jrabs]

While it absolutely can be overcome with prayer and hard work - it is also a big demon that can also kill the family unit.

I will not sugar coat. I was married for 10 years to a person who could not shake this. It can consume people to the point of losing jobs, friendships and marriages.

There is nothing healthy about this - and what to do with future children? What happens when they find the material your husband thought was nicely hidden? Because they will find it. Nothing is ever hidden from curious kiddies.

My ex- husband lost his job and his family. He cannot maintain a job because he is too preoccupied with getting his next fix. If you think this is an extreme case, then please look at trueknights.org/endorsements.html

This is a fabulous website.
God Bless with your future plans.

 

[Potato1]

Before my wife and I were married I looked at porn, she found out and it was a deal breaker, I have not looked at porn since, that was 5 years ago. It can be done but I would get this resolved before the marriage, just for the future familys sake. This is what the engagement time is for because once you are married it has to be forever.

 

[catholicmessage]

Encourage your fiance to make frequent reception of the sacraments. Confession and Holy Eucharist are the most effective tools for fighting any evil, addiction or temptation. The graces received from these sacraments are the most powerful tool available. Consider going to daily mass with him. Your encouragement can really help.

I will be praying for you both.

 

[frfreddie]

SimpleOne, would you enter this marriage now if he was an alcoholic or drug addict? Those are addictions, as is porn and masturbation. Getting married wouldn’t make him less of an alcoholic - and it won’t make him less addicted to porn and masturbation.

Would you marry him if he had a serious mental illness like depression? How about a physical illness like MS?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t marry him, I just mean you should seriously look at his disease and what you’re doing. You have an opportunity to determine how serious you are about the relationship. Use it wisely.

Good luck to you, dear. God bless you - We’ll be praying for you.

 

[Daniel_Kane]

Prudence would indicate that one does not marry any one with an addiction of any kind unless that individual has been clean for a sufficient period of time (years).

Since such an addiction goes to the root of the marriage and the marriage act, it is irresponsible to marry him at this time. If you were my daughter, sister or niece, I would, in the strongest terms, suggest that you find someone else to marry. His addiction may even affect the validity of the marriage.

There are many marriageable men out there without this problem. He needs intensive treatment and therapy of both a spiritual and psychological kind and coupling this need, with a career, a new marriage and possibly children is a prescription for disaster. Disaster for you.

I’ll pray for your as this is not an easy cross you have received and you have a grave decision to make. I am certain that this is not the message you want to hear. If you are married I would suggest something different, honoring the bond. But you are not married and an addicted man is not a suitable candidate for marriage.

 

[Pug]

Do you think that being able to have sex once we’re married will stop his need to masturbate/look at porn?

No, you cannot rely upon that. I suggest waiting until he is sober before marrying. It can destroy a marriage. Some people never kick the habit. Depending on his precise issue with porn and the like, it can make him fairly unavailable for intimacy. You can end up with serious trust issues if he lies. Be aware that addiction can lead to crime as the person tries to get their fix. Also, he may leave your bed and go straight somewhere else. You might find this brutal on your emotions.

Marriage is till you die. I’d be sure it will have a good foundation before marrying.

 

[Potato1]

No, you cannot rely upon that. I suggest waiting until he is sober before marrying. It can destroy a marriage. Some people never kick the habit. Depending on his precise issue with porn and the like, it can make him fairly unavailable for intimacy. You can end up with serious trust issues if he lies. Be aware that addiction can lead to crime as the person tries to get their fix. Also, he may leave your bed and go straight somewhere else. You might find this brutal on your emotions.

Marriage is till you die. I’d be sure it will have a good foundation before marrying.

I agree!

 

[Lil_M]

My FH had a similar problem before and for the first while we were dating, although the term “addiction” might be too strong (though obviously the potential exists for a habit to become one). At that point I wasn’t a strong Catholic, and while I wasn’t thrilled I also didn’t realize the gravity of the situation. In all honesty, he was more concerned than I was!

Basically the solution has been to remove the offending material (obviously) and he does not access the internet from his bedroom to remove that temptation. It also helps that the last few years he has been very busy- idle hands do the devil’s work. When you’re a student, sitting in front of your computer all the time, it is very tempting. I am so proud of him for admitting this habit and doing his best to avoid the occasion of this sin. Besides eliminating triggers, confession and praying the rosary are also excellent tools.

I agree that marriage will NOT erase this problem- the temptation will still be there. I would not want my husband to use me as a substitute for porn.

I don’t know what I’d do in this situation. I totally realize how difficult it would be to postpone the wedding but I would consider it.

 

[yessisan]

I have/had this problem a few months after I married DH. We married on 3/18/06 and I believe it was 8/22/06 when I found porn videos and pictures on my home computer. I confronted DH. At first he said they downloaded themselves because he has this program for downloading music and things like this happen all the time (whatever). I stayed on the subject until he told me he did it and said it was just curiosity.

The next day I got on the computer and just for curiosity I pulled up this program he has and found he searched for these himself and had them saved on a personal file with his name. I confronted him again and tried to pull the same thing. I left very angry. I took a drive for about 2 hours and then came back home and asked him to PLEASE tell me why he was doing this.

He finally admitted he’s had a problem with porn since he was in junior high. When he told me this, my heart dropped to the ground. I felt betrayed . Dumb me, trusted him with the computer and found it a 3rd time a few months later. Then I had to put a password to the internet and blocked everything from obscene languange to pictures and videos.

I started trusting again (my bad) and took the password off, including the restrictions, and bam… a 4th time. I had it. I confronted him one last time and told him that if I ever found this again that it was over. I left for the evening and came back around 11pm. I felt so betrayed. It made me feel as though I wasn’t woman enough to please DH.

Believe me, this is an ongoing problem. I’ve been married for less than a year and found videos, pictures, including ringtones with sexual content (ie women climaxing). I try trusting him with the computer but it’s hard. He asked that I cancel the interne, I don’t know if I should or not, but that will surely stop this from happening at home.

**Simple One **this isn’t something that will go away with having sex once you’re married. I suggest you both try to come to an agreement of internet use, magazines or things of the like. As far as the masturbation goes, if he doesn’t have this sort of temptation, he’ll probably outgrow it, but I cannot say that he will.

This is a big problem to have but it can be worked on, but it is an addiction. Just look at my case, I caught it 4 times, but I know DH’s done it more than that. I know more about computers than he does so I know where to look for these files, he doesn’t know how to erase them completely from the memory… just remember that porn can lead to bigger temptations which might be worse (ie infidelity).

I don’t think you wnat this in your marriage, but if you’re willing to work with him on this, help him. You’ll need a lot of strength though, but if he loves you, he’ll be willing to work at it. Hey he already took the first step by admitting it to you.

My prayers are with you.

 

[shirleytowers]

My ex husband had a porn addiction. Guess how my four year old daughter found out about sex? By discovering him watching a pornographic movie when she came downstairs for a drink of water one night. She got quite an eyeful.

Think about it. Think hard, think twice, and then think again.

 

[True_Knight]

Simple One,

Marriage will not break an addiction to porn and masturbation. Many have tried and many have failed. I said to myself before I got married 18 years ago and many others have said it to. The Truth is…it IS an Addiction, or more appropriatly, a habitual sin. Meaning, that without help, is very difficult, if not impossible to overcome.

Only through counsel and accountability can someone break free of addiction to porn. There are many reasons why a man turns to porn…the main reason is that it attacks us right at our weakness and then holds up the promise to somehow make us “Feel” like men, yet we leave feeling even less than a man than when we started. Satan knows this and uses it to steal a man’s strength and imprison him in an addiction.

50% of all Christian homes cite that pornography is an issue in their homes… I would say the real numbers are more than that. I say that every man deals with lust on some level…maybe not addiction, but still we all deal with it.

Please ask your fiancee to get help. Direct him to my website or find a good Catholic counselor.

God Bless,

 

[pilot]

I had a porno addiction and still am tempted, but have been “sober” for years now. I will tell you that my wife found the magazines I had and caught me 5 other times and it did not help our marriage at all. It almost destroyed mine. My wife had a problem trusting me for I would lie to her. I hate the look I saw in her face and the tears the first time I was caught. It is a real big problem for many men. I know you two are not married and your fiancee is not a dad, but www. dad.org helped me so much. Steve Wood has many CD’s to buy and maybe you can buy one to give as a gift to your future husband. Steve Wood is also from Family life international. They also have a website. I believe it is www.familylifecenter.net. One set of CD’s that can help is called “Breaking free.” If you can buy it for him, but if not have him buy it, but I would agree with others that he should be free of this problem before marriage. Sex in the marriage will not necessary stop this addiction. It didn’t for me or other men I know personally who have this problem. Our priest just announced the other day that the number one sin from men that is confessed is addiction to pornography. Most started by finding dad’s magazines or other boys who found dad’s magazines or videos. My brother has a severe case of this addiction and it leads to other sins also like adultery or fornication. Pray for you fiancee and help him out by giving him some of the websites some of us mention in your thread. Pray and really discern God’s will in all this and your future.
One last bit of advice for your fiancee is frequent confession and other receptions of the Sacraments.

 

[rayne89]

He finally admitted he’s had a problem with porn since he was in junior high. When he told me this, my heart dropped to the ground. I felt betrayed . Dumb me, trusted him with the computer and found it a 3rd time a few months later. Then I had to put a password to the internet and blocked everything from obscene languange to pictures and videos.

I started trusting again (my bad) and took the password off, including the restrictions, and bam… a 4th time. I had it. I confronted him one last time and told him that if I ever found this again that it was over. I left for the evening and came back around 11pm. I felt so betrayed. It made me feel as though I wasn’t woman enough to please DH.

Believe me, this is an ongoing problem. I’ve been married for less than a year and found videos, pictures, including ringtones with sexual content (ie women climaxing). I try trusting him with the computer but it’s hard. He asked that I cancel the interne, I don’t know if I should or not, but that will surely stop this from happening at home.

If your spouse asked you cancel the internet then cancel it or at the very least change the password. It’s like having an alcoholic in the house and keeping beer in the fridge.

 

[Mary3]

My ex- husband lost his job and his family. He cannot maintain a job because he is too preoccupied with getting his next fix. If you think this is an extreme case, then please look at trueknights.org/endorsements.html

This is not an exaggeration. I had to fire a long-term employee over a porn addiction. He was completely distracted at work with his internet obsession, and the issue grew into actual meetings with women he met through the net. His problem was discovered by our internet security staff. It was incredibly embarrassing for him, me and my boss. His wife and children were humiliated. They lost their recently-purchased home when dad was terminated. Finally, he started drinking to dull the pain of his situation, and died of a massive bleeding ulcer less than 2 years after he lost his job.

Please do all you can to help your fiance, but I urge you not to marry him while he still has this problem. Porn is not a ‘private’ sin. It can surely destroy you both unless your fiance can conquer the sin with God’s help. Praying for God’s mercy to you both.

 

[AHapka]

As someone who struggled with this issue for years, let me tell you that in most cases it does take years to overcome. I have had to have frequent confessions, reception of communion, counseling, and even giving my computer to friends for a few months so that I couldn’t use it.

When I was younger, before I knew the Lord, I was engaged in this filth for 3-4 hours a day. Only the grace of God has allowed me to work towards overcoming it. I still occasionally have slipped But now I know freedom. I cry knowing how I have sinned against our Lord. I still remember one time crashing to the floor crying and asking Jesus why he even allows me to live if I sin against him like this.

I would definitely find help for your fiance. Be careful who you find, be sure to find those who genuinely want to help someone with this addiction out of love. There are those who only want to condemn. It may take a long time, but if he WANTS to give this up (and it sounds like he does, otherwise why would he tell you?) it can be overcome.

I think the thing that has helped me the most is frequenting the Sacrament of Penance. There is always a certain shame in telling your priest (or any priest) what you have done. Over time, not wanting to have to confess a sin and sin against our Lord is what has helped me break free. Also frequenting the Sacrament will help you stay in a state of grace and allow for frequenting Holy Communion. ONLY the blood and body of our Lord can grant freedom from this sin. There have been times I was tempted and the thought of not being able to eat his flesh and drink his blood as he commanded us was enough to get me to stop from sinning.

Again, find a priest and counselor and GOOD LUCK! It’ll be a large cross for him and you if you choose to marry him, but if he can bear it, he will find love and salvation.

He does have one plus- he is being honest with you. You may need to not have the internet if he thinks he can’t handle it. The “beer in the fridge with an alcoholic” metaphor is very true.

I will pray for you,

Andy

 

[mheintz]

Don’t expect that getting married will end his addiction to porn and masturbation. He needs to fix this problem now, and before you marry him.

I suggest you have him install accountability software on his computer and make you the accountability partner. This will send logs of his internet use to you and he will not be able to uninstall the software without you knowing about it. It sounds drastic, but if he is really dedicated to working on this addiction then he shouldn’t have a problem with it. I recommend Covenant Eyes (www.covenanteyes.com) because their software is easy to use and the accountability reports are scored so you can easily identify potentially harmful sites. There is a charge for the service but it is reasonable and you can install it on many computers for no additional charge.

If you feel that he is trying to hide his addiction from you then you have to delay the wedding until you can trust him. Little lies now will lead to big ones later.

I’ll be praying for you.

Mike

 

[Cygnus_X1]

For women and men who have experienced these troubles, how did it or can it affect the marriage specifically? Do you think that being able to have sex once we’re married will stop his need to masturbate/look at porn? I’m just a bit lost.

Any thoughts?
Simple One

As a recovering sexaholic, I can say fairly conclusively that marriage will NOT stop his need for porn or masturbation. IMO, porn and masturbation are an attempt to reach the unreachable, that fantasy of Woman who does not exist, but is a shadow just out of arm’s reach. And while he feels he gets closer and closer to that fantasy, he’s falling farther away from you and from reality. I should know; I’ve been there. No woman, not even you, is a match for his lust.

I would seriously reconsider marrying him unless and until he gets help. I recommend Sexaholics Anonymous (and for you, S-Anon), but there have been many other resources mentioned on these forums. Whatever works, I’m for it.

But you simply cannot make your fiance change. He has to want to be done with this addiction with or without you.