Fiance won't confess

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Admittedly, he’s a cradle Catholic and has yet to receive communion. Although he will have to when we marry.
His biggest issue is he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. That he is so horrible and the things he’s done are too awful to forgive. He’s not a murderer, he’s not a pedophile, he’s committed no rape etc etc.
How do I convince him that he needs to confess, that he does deserve forgiveness, and that once he’s confessed and reconciled, that he is indeed forgiven and needs to stop obsessing? I’ve had a hard enough time convincing him he’s worthy of love! Sometimes I think he still doesn’t believe that. Poor guy is so beat down and wallows in guilt and shame.
The worst part is, I’m hardly in a position to speak from authority. I’m a recent convert, so to speak. I haven’t been baptized, although I do have plans to be.
I love him so much, and it breaks my heart to see him so convinced that he is wretched and damned no matter what he does.
 
First of all there is nothing in the confessional that the priest hasn’t heard of before. Could it be that your fiance doesn’t have a proper understanding of what happens during confession and is afraid his secrets might get out to others? If that is the case then you will have to reassure him that what is confessed in the confessional stays in the confessional.

Also, will you be Catholic by the time you get married? And will the marriage be in the Catholic Church? Maybe it would do your fiance some good to attend RCIA with you even though he is a cradle Catholic as it would be a refresher in the faith for him.

I wish you and your fiance the best.

God bless
 
Bless you for wanting to convert and to follow our Lord, especially in the sacraments.

The priests have heard everything. And most priest will guide you through the process if you ask.

Here is a great link to an examination of concience. fatima.org/essentials/requests/examconc.asp

For your fiance and for yourself as you will eventually be doing confession. Start writting a list of what you want to confess. You can take it into the confessional with you and it will really help not to forget what you want to confess. After my first confession I burned that list, boy did that feel good. The sacrament of confession will give you many graces to avoid sin.

I will be praying for you both.
 
Knittycat said:
His biggest issue is he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. That he is so horrible and the things he’s done are too awful to forgive.
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May the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you,

Something seems amiss…I think he might be to ashamed to confess something?

It is said that Jesus once revealed to St Faustina (Divine Mercy devotion) that His Mercy is like an ocean, and that our worst sin is like one drop in that ocean.

Thinking of ourselves as “being unable to be forgiven” by Jesus, is in effect “short-changing” His Holy Sacrifice on the Cross. It’s like saying that yes, Jesus’ Blood is powerful…but not powerful enough for me - which is wrong.

I really think that he is ashamed to confess something.

Prayer and gentle encouragement…persist in it.

God bless you,
Quis ut Deus 3
 
I know what he is ashamed to confess. He thinks he’s unforgivable. It’s strange, since I’ve been guilty of the same sin, he knows it, and thinks I’m wonderful. But he’s guilty of it and thinks he’s horrible.
I’ve tried everything. Even telling him that thinking his sin is so grave as to never be forgivable is rather prideful. (It was a last resort)
He will most definitely be attending RCIA with me, along with his daughter. I will be Catholic when we get married, and we will be married in the Catholic rite.
He knows what the priest will and won’t do. I’ve had many a long discussion with him, and it comes down to him thinking that he’s an unforgivable monster. I’m sure he’s suffering from major depression. But he’s the type who just won’t deal with it.
 
Some of the Saints were great sinners before they turned to God.
You have heard of St Augustine. He put off the Sacraments for many years. He had a mistress and an illegitimate child. He persisted in sin for many years…but here he is, a Saint known throughout the ages and a Doctor of the Church. He has an autobiography, his “Confessions”.

St Paul the great evangelist to whom we owe most of the letters of the New Testament of the bible, was an accomplice to murder. He stood by as St Stephen was stoned to death for believing in Jesus. He caused the arrest and imprisonment of as many early Christians as he could. Your fiancé didn’t do that.

St Peter and the apostles…all but John ran out on Him and abandoned Him at the worst possible time. They had been with him every day for a few years. They’d seen His love and goodness, they’d heard His teaching, they’d seem His miracles, which including raising someone from the dead. Three of them had seen Him transfigured and speaking to the Prophets. The moment they felt in danger they left Him too it. One of them was the man who sold him into death.

Jesus had said, :“If you deny me before men I will deny you before My Father in heaven.” Luke 12:9 And they deserved that. They could never get that time back and be there for Him and witness to Him. He was desolate. However, they could spend the rest of their lives making up for it and they did.

When Jesus rose from the dead, he didn’t turn His back on the disciples despite what they’d done. He came to them.
And did he blame and curse Peter, or say he was no longer worthy to lead His Church as He had promised? No, this is what unfolded. Peter had tree times denied Jesus while Jesus was being tortured. So Jesus asked three times if Peter loved Him…and when Peter said yes, He gave him his ministry. Jesus’ gentle forgiveness:

Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”
16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”
17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”
Jesus said, “Feed my sheep… 19…Then he said to him, “Follow me!” John 21

Do you think perhaps your fiancé might like to read this, and to do some research on saints who were sinners.

God bless you. My prayers, Trishie
 
I think that is fabulous. I’ll have to share it with him. I wish he could see what an amazing man he is. He thinks I am amazing, and I want to ask him, if I’m so amazing, would I be marrying a monster? NO! You are amazing too!
 
Knittycat said:
I know what he is ashamed to confess. He thinks he’s unforgivable. It’s strange, since I’ve been guilty of the same sin, he knows it, and thinks I’m wonderful. But he’s guilty of it and thinks he’s horrible.
I’ve tried everything. Even telling him that thinking his sin is so grave as to never be forgivable is rather prideful. (It was a last resort)
He will most definitely be attending RCIA with me, along with his daughter. I will be Catholic when we get married, and we will be married in the Catholic rite.
He knows what the priest will and won’t do. I’ve had many a long discussion with him, and it comes down to him thinking that he’s an unforgivable monster. I’m sure he’s suffering from major depression. But he’s the type who just won’t deal with it.
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God is merciful and loves us, and He rejoices when we accept that mercy through confession. We glorify the Lord when we accept His grace!

I will say a prayer for your fiance.
 
You can refer to The Penance Project.

The mission of this apostolate is: To promote the grace and healing provided by God through the Sacrament of Penance to all.

The website presents some great information on the sacrament that may help.

We also give away “The Penance Kit”. This is a collection of information that is meant to inform people about:
Code: 
a) What the Sacrament of Penance is and why it is important in our lives.
b) How to prepare for the Sacrament.
c) What is involved with doing it and how to make a good confession.
d) What is Absolution?
e) What do I do after confessing and receiving Absolution?
 f) Prayer.
Pax,
Jason
 
Whoa! It seems to you that your fiance thinks he is some sort of monster and you think that he thinks he doesn’t deserve love or forgiveness, and you’re planning on marrying him anyways? Do you have an actual date, or even a time frame, in mind? Have you discussed these observations with a trusted, spiritually mature friend, or even your parish priest?

I hate to be the wet blanket here, but this may be more than just a guilty conscience on his part. There might actually be depression, and in any case, it’s really not the emotional tone you want to start a marriage in. I’d suggest you wait awhile and see what he does with all of this baggage before you attempt a sacramental marriage with him.
 
Your fiance has correctly acknowledged the horrible sin’s he has committed, but he is blinded to unfathomable depth of GOD’s mercy - he does not understand GOD.

Four suggestions:
  1. Get him a large crucifix with JESUS hanging on it for his apt. and have it blessed. Point out to your fiance that “if” JESUS can forgive those who did that to HIM (which HE did from the cross “FATHER forgive them…” “then” JESUS can forgive your fiance for what and all that he has done, no matter how horrible. The worse he can do is kill JESUS, and that has already been done and forgiven.
  2. Get your fiance a book of the Saints, and highlight the saints who were sinners before they became saints. JESUS wants to forgive and receive the worst of sinners.
  3. Get your fiance a book on Miracles of the HOST, where the HOST was stolen from the church and the resulting miracles. These are other attempts to kill JESUS again, and HE still forgives.
Your fiance needs to learn about the true forgiving JESUS - and trust in HIM.
  1. Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy with your fiance. Mediate on the meaning of the words "For the sake of HIS sorroful Passion - have mercy on us… " GOD has never forgotten and will bless those who recall and mediate on the suffering of HIS SON JESUS.
 
Knittycat said:
Admittedly, he’s a cradle Catholic and has yet to receive communion. Although he will have to when we marry.
His biggest issue is he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. That he is so horrible and the things he’s done are too awful to forgive. He’s not a murderer, he’s not a pedophile, he’s committed no rape etc etc.
How do I convince him that he needs to confess, that he does deserve forgiveness, and that once he’s confessed and reconciled, that he is indeed forgiven and needs to stop obsessing? I’ve had a hard enough time convincing him he’s worthy of love! Sometimes I think he still doesn’t believe that. Poor guy is so beat down and wallows in guilt and shame.
The worst part is, I’m hardly in a position to speak from authority. I’m a recent convert, so to speak. I haven’t been baptized, although I do have plans to be.
I love him so much, and it breaks my heart to see him so convinced that he is wretched and damned no matter what he does.
Click to expand...
well, one thing that might help is to let him know that on the contrary, no one “deserves” Gods forgiveness, God gives it freely out of love for us, He doesn’t owe it to us nor are we worthy of it, but we should want it for love of God, because He WANTS to forgive us, He longs to, and he suffers not to be able to, because He just loves us so much,

confession was given to us as a means to regain our sanctifying grace after losing it after baptism, and so also tell him this - as soon as he is truly sorry for his sins, God forgives him, because God is not a machine, He gives His forgiveness as soon as He can because He wants to, but we still need the sacrament of confession to receive sanctifying grace again, just as we receive it in baptism, but since you can only be baptized once, so Christ instituted the sacrament of confession.

he also must realize, that this constant beating down on himself and not being able to forgive himself is also pride, and it is a trick of the devil,
he needs to change his outlook on these things, he has to know that we are all weak to sin, we are all inclined towards evil by original sin, and we need God in order to get out of that, but we can’t get upset with ourselves over being weak, because that’s just what we are without God, and although you can become stronger by the grace of God to overcome your sins, in the mean time you just need to be patient with yourself.

he has to ask himself - do i get upset over my sins because i love God, or just because i’m disappointed in myself?
if he loves God or atleast wants to love God, then he needs to realize that God would be most pleased if he would go to confession, and to say something such as “how could God love me?” or “how could He forgive me?” well…He died for you! and so what makes you think He wouldn’t then forgive you?
to say “God does not love me or could not forgive me” is belittling to Gods love, it is saying that God isn’t really love itself and is not all that good…
but the fact of the matter is, God is love, He loves each one of us with an everlasting love, He died for each one of us individually as if there were no other person besides,

perhaps he just really needs to educate himself better and learn more about Gods love for us, in which case i would recommend getting some of the writings of the saints, which you can find alot of on www.tanbooks.com along with many other good books explaining Gods love and also books on confession, a really good one is this - tanbooks.com/index.php/page/shop:flypage/product_id/229

and maybe you can sit down with him on occasion and watch this together - youtube.com/user/CatholicClips#g/p

alright, so i hope this helps, and i’ll keep him in my prayers, take care.
 
@odile53, no worries, I’m going to finish college before we marry, so we’ve got a good 4 years to work this out.

And everybody else, thank you so much. All of this will be very useful I’m sure! I am very grateful for your links, words, and advice.
 
What a great thing it is that your fiance will be attending your RCIA sessions with you. Give him time – he’ll come around. When he finally accepts the fact that there is no sin too big for God to forgive, or no number of sins too many to be forgiven, he will crumple with gratitude and ask you to wheelbarrow him to the nearest confessional. Then with relief and celebration he’ll fall into your arms with tearful joy. Don’t nag at him too much (just a little) 😃 But keep praying for him.
 
Phew! At first, I thought the wedding date was imminent.

Best wishes to you on your academic pursuits, and I’m praying for your discernment, and hopefully, a happy outcome to all of this, as well as your fiance’s faith struggles.
 
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