Fiancee slept with someone else when we broke up

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Matthew625

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Hi!

I know i should ‘‘suck it up’’ but it is hard.
I was baptised into the catolic church, easter 2018. I have an anxiety disorder which makes me obsess about things, so immidiately my scruples about sin began and got worse since i was/am afraid about going to hell. Anyway i met a perfect girl 2 months later in church. She dressed modestly, seemed really innocent (which she is) and get this…she had been a novice nun for five years… Anyway me being a new catholic and she being so well read, i really looked up to her and took her advice about our faith.
She has always had a problem with relationships, being insecure and with commitment. We entered a relationship but she broke up with me 3 times during that summer.

Also during this time we were pretty intimate but we didn’t have sex. In my mind since we were catholic it was an impossibility for us to have sex. But she was really sexual with me and it turns out that it was probably only thanks to me that we didn’t have sex. After breaking up and getting back together back and forth, three times we tried a last time. That lasted only a week and both agreed it was for the best.

I also tried to find some one else, someone to marry, she went on tinder the day after we broke up to find some kind of relationship, she became friends with a guy and one or two weeks after getting together with him she slept with him…

I should say that after or week or some such after we broke up we became friends…like really best friends. It was really that we had love for each other but neither of us realised it, so she told me about this person and I said that it wasn’t really ok so soon after we broke up but she ignored it and I didn’t think I had the right to say anything else.

2 days after this i was at her place and to make a long story short, we slept together. I wanted to sleep with her for the wrong reasons, because my confidence was shattered and she wanted to because she regretted the guy she choose. But after this we fell in love, she moved in (which is something we shouldn’t have done) we got engaged, but all the time i am being eaten up inside because of what she did. We also sleep together regularly which i really don’t want but it feels like…why should i follow the rules when no one else is.

Because of my obsessive thinking i have tought about this so much that i am suffering really badly psychologically and i have basically ‘‘kicked her into the ground’’ by bringing it up so many times.And she really regrets her actions but i bring it up so much because I want to change something that can’t be changed.

Our personalities also clash i should mention…

Now i feel that i can’t live with what she did, but we also found out 3 weeks ago that she is pregnant… since she got pregnant when we were engaged and me constantly promising her that we would get married i feel obligated to marry her and I am stuck with marrying a person i can’t respect as much as i would like too respect…a person i don’t know if i can ever give my whole heart to… And i don’t know what to do. I will marry her but her actions and what she did is eating me up inside…
 
Don’t marry her. Put your mental health first, and also get a sexual health check.

You just aren’t compatible. There’s nothing wrong with that, but both of you need to stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
 
Matthew, please make an appointment to speak to a priest and to confess your sins. Tell him what you have told us here.

It sounds like your anxieties are wrapped up with your sins, and with hers. Your situation is now that you feel obligated to marry her because she is pregnant, but your experiences together show that you should not. Support your child when it is born, be a father to it, but do not marry someone that you can’t seem to trust, or that your behave negatively toward. She seems to have issues of her own that you cannot fix.
 
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Agree with all above, find new living arrangements, each of you work on getting your spiritual / emotional / mental health back on track.
 
What you are saying seems really on point, my anxieties is wrapped up in my sins and hers and I do behave negatively towards her as a result. We both have problems of our own and we just can’t get along since we can’t support the other person.
 
I am not excusing anything but to give her the due she deserves I should mention that she really did think it was over for us forever and REALLY didn’t think i would care… 3 weeks after we got together again and i broke down in front of her and told her my heart had been broken, she was SO surprised over my reaction… she got really depressed over the guilt she felt towards me.
We were broken up for real…but we were also such good friends… that i don’t know what the right thing to do is. What is the right thing to do for my child and then myself? But i do know i will have a hard time living with it.

It does really feel like fitting ‘‘a square peg into a round hole’’ as Lou2U said.
 
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As I said, you can be a great father to your child without being married to the child’s mother.
It is clear that you two don’t belong together. You need to learn to co-parent and not cause stress in your child’s life.

Please, talk to a priest. And after that, get help for your anxiety so you can be a good father. Don’t compound the situation by marrying someone you don’t belong with out of guilt.
 
You may also want to prayerfully consider placing this innocent child with a loving adoptive family.
 
No chance…We are both adults with a stable income, a catholic view on life and will be able to give our child the best that he or she deserves.
 
Then do that by becoming the best father you can be. Make an appointment with your priest today. Call the parish office.
 
Thank you so much Irishmom2. You have given great advice and i really appreciate it.
 
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