Fighting with husband after birth

[7armyrugrats]

I don’t understand why we were getting along so well during the pregnancy, and now it is nothing but fights. It has been building since our daughter was born last Sunday morning. Last night it erupted into a screaming match that made me lock my husband out of the bed room. I was so mad that I thought it was better to do that than continue to yell or lose it completely and do or say something I would regret. I left him to put the other kids to bed and sleep on the couch while I cried and held my baby all night. We had a rocky start in marriage, but the last 10 years or so have been beautiful. Now I’m seriously looking forward to his upcoming deployment because I am ready for him to leave the house for awhile. I’m stressed out, tired and worried. I need his support right now not his criticism. I am the main one at fault for our arguments and I was the only one screaming last night. He gracefully left me alone and just took care of the other kids, but I don’t understand why he has emotionally pulled away from me when I need him. This is why I’m so upset with him.

I had a very difficult pregnancy. My first 7 were uneventful. This one I developed GD, Pre-eclampsia, as well as already having RA, fibromyalgia, IBS, Menieres and degenerative joints. I was sick and in pain the entire pregnancy. He was there for me emotionally more than he ever was before. Surprisingly I made it to 39 weeks gestation. Initially the drs were going to induce me at 34 wks, then 36, then 38. I spontaneously went into labor at 39 weeks. It ended up being the longest labor. My first 7 were 45 mins to 6 hours long. With her it was 49 hours. Midwife had just called the OB to prep me for a c-section and I had to get an epidural. She was born on transport to the OR. Thankfully no c-section, but she nearly slid off the bed. My husband was the best labor coach this time. Usually he isn’t very good at it and would happily bypass the whole delivery if he could. But this time he was so wonderful just like he had been throughout the whole pregnancy.

My mom fell 2 weeks ago and broke her femur. She’s in tge hospital still and will most likely be there another 3 weeks. My sisters and I have been arguing about what should happen after mom leaves the hospital. I want her comng back home with me, they don’t think she should. They want her in a nursing home. Our brother is staying out of the whole thing. Our baby was born with a heart problem. It is minor and only requires monitoring at this point and may self correct in time but it still worries me. She also is not a good nurser, so I struggle to feed her. Shes too sleepy to eat well. I even tried pumping and feeding her a bottle. She fell asleep after 1 oz. After working with her for two hours, she only drank 1.5 oz. All of this is stressing me out. I ended up hemorrhaging two days after coming home and had to go to the ER. Now my husband has decided that he knows better than me how to take care of the house and kids and wants to run everything. He tells me how I should do things that I have taken care of for 20 yrs, mostly on my own. Things he has never, or at least rarely, ever done. He has changed the kids school schedule and chores, he has rearranged everything from the way I have had it. And I am tired of it. I want him to talk to me and hold me. I want him to support me not “fix” everything I apparently have done wrong all these years. I need him. I got used to having him during this pregnancy and now he has pulled away.

There is so much more going on, but this is already too long. Truth is, I think he is wrong and he thinks I am. I want to understand his side but he won’t talk about it except to tell me he doesn’t know why I’m so upset. I want him to understand me, but he thinks I’m just being hormonal and emotional. Ok, I’m done venting now. I know I’m going to regret posting this.

 

[SurlyMermaid]

Don’t be sad you posted this. I’m so sorry.

I’ve had a rocky four years with my guy. We had our first child a year ago and I truly believed at times our relationship would end. I felt like I was going to go crazy. I vented here more than a few times.

Wish I had some wisdom for you. You’re probably sleep-deprived. That doesn’t help. I’m sure this feels like the end of the world. I’ve been there… Waiting for the deployments.

Hang in there. Prayers and hugs. :hug1:

 

[SMHW]

I
There is so much more going on, but this is already too long. Truth is, I think he is wrong and he thinks I am. I want to understand his side but he won’t talk about it except to tell me he doesn’t know why I’m so upset. I want him to understand me, but he thinks I’m just being hormonal and emotional. Ok, I’m done venting now. I know I’m going to regret posting this.

You will probably be mad at me too now. I think your husband is right about you being hormonal and emotional. Where I might disagree with him is is about how seriously you are being effected.

I wonder if you crave a woman taking care of you right now? It should not be your mother because she is not able to do that right now and she will want to do so if she comes to your house. And you should not be taking care of her.

Someone needs to be taking care of the kids and your husband is the logical choice. It would be crazy to think he would do a better job doing things your way rather than his way. He’s not you.

Your husband may be scared to leave you and the children when he is deployed. Or maybe he’s just scared for himself. Either or both would be normal.

Have you discussed the way you have been feeling with your midwife or your doctor?

 

[Mikeydell]

I am sure there are other stresses that he is under right now being that he is a military person who is about to be deployed. I know this doesn’t excuse anything, but please try and put yourself in his shoes in this instance if you could. Try and reach out to him about this and discuss it with him, you know how tough us guys can be and some/most of us don’t like to talk about things like that. It could be the underlying cause to his current behavior.

Good luck and congrats on the new baby!

Much Peace!

Mike

 

[takers]

It honestly sounds like you are super tired, stressed out (due to new baby, being in poor health as of late, mom illness/injury, and husband’s deployment), upset about the change in routine, and, in all honesty, probably still dealing with fluctuating hormones from having recently given birth. (Congrats, BTW!)

A few additional thoughts came to mind:

1. As frustrating as it is to have your routine changed, your husband is doing his best. Sometimes a person does their best by finding out what rhythm works best for them as opposed to completely mimicking someone else’s routine. I don’t think he’s saying that you’ve been doing it wrong all these years, but rather that his way works best for him while your way works best for you.
2. I think you should talk to your siblings a bit down the road on what to do about your Mom. If she’s in the hospital for at least another three weeks give yourself another week to recover from this especially hard birth and then plan a family meeting and see what everyone’s opinion is and why they feel that way and why they don’t feel your way. Your sister could be thinking that with eight kids (one a new newborn), a husband on deployment, and a less-than-perfect-health wife in the house having a disabled Mother is too much to handle and a nursing home would provide the medical staff, similar aged people, and calmer atmosphere that she needs to recover.
3. Do you have a local La Leche League that you could contact for help with you baby’s feeding issues? I know that LLL was very helpful for me and a lot of my friends that had nursing issues.
4. I honestly think you need to give yourself some grace for your behavior right now. You have a ton on your plate, less sleep than normal, a heightened stress situation and are learning how to be a family of ten. You’re not perfect so give yourself time to readjust to your new life.

I wish you the best.

 

[Polycarp1]

Sounds like you both are suffering from a lot of stress. This would not be surprizing with all that’s ben happening in your lives lately and of his upcoming deployment. In fact it would be more surprizing if you both weren’t stressed. I would suggest you both see a counselor to help you work things out. Its hard to see what is realling going on when your in the middle of it. Perhaps your priest can direct you to a good Catholic counselor or therapist. I’m a cop and I know what stress can do if you don’t deal with it.

 

[Evania]

I have suffered from postpartum depression after a few of my births. A less severe case would be called “baby blues”. Your hormones naturally plummet after having a baby. The only advice I have is to be patient with your husband. He sounds like he wants to help. God Bless!