FIL & SMIL maintaining relationship with EX

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My husband and I have been joyfully married for about 9 months now, and we try to show each other every day God’s love for us, as we are called to do as spouses. True, we are newlyweds, but we both feel like we are off to a great start and are setting a rock-solid foundation for our marriage.

Our issue is this: DH used to be married - for 15 years - and the only people who are still in touch with his EX are his Father and SM. DH and the EX have been divorced for 5 years, with NO CHILDREN. DH has asked his Father & SM a couple of times in the last few years to end their relationship with her, and the conversation always ends in everyone getting upset. The last time DH brought up this topic with them, they screamed at him, and they didn’t speak to DH for 3 months. The reason they keep giving is “she’s been our DIL for more than 15 years now, it’s hard to just let it go.” But they don’t explain it calmly, instead this is one of the things they say when they get annoyed and angry at him bringing up the subject. Plus, they’ve been singing the same song for the last 5 years.

On top of this, a few months after DH and I got married, the EX emailed him asking about the annulment and our marriage. However, she has known about this for the last 2 years because DH had informed her 2 years ago that he was getting an annulment and that he wanted to get married (both pieces of news she didn’t take well). Since that conversation, there has been no contact between him and her whatsoever, and very little contact before then anyway. It seems to DH and me that she heard or saw something that had an instigating effect on her that made her decide to contact DH all of a sudden. Also, the EX and my FIL are Facebook “friends” and she’s able to see our wedding pictures on his page. My guess is that’s what she allowed to provoke her actions. Since she emailed DH, who did not respond to her in any way, she has been commenting more and more on FIL’s page about pictures he uploads (not our wedding pictures).

DH did try bringing this up with his Dad. His Dad agreed that it was strange for the EX to contact DH but of course also started to agitatedly say again how she “has been” his DIL “for over 15 years now” etc. I know that my wonderful husband feels upset, frustrated and unsupported in this regard, and in certain other regards, and he has told me before that he wishes he had parents like mine.

My FIL & SMIL seem to have a very abnormal connection to the EX and they have a very unusual reluctance to get over DH’s past. It’s especially abnormal/unusual because his present is so much happier that his past, and his future is so bright and promising. AND his relationship with his Father and SM has improved since I came into the picture - he himself has candidly told me this. DH’s sister, too, has told me that DH is finally living the life that she’s always wanted for him, and she’s thanked me for being who I am because I bring out the best in him, and she’s so peaceful knowing that we’re together.

This is all too weird, unnatural and creepy for me. I wonder how long my parents-in-law will allow the EX to “keep track” of our lives, even though that may not be their intention. It seems as though DH’s Father and SM would rather maintain some type of relationship with the EX at the cost of a great relationship with their son and with me and, for all they know, put a rift between DH and me. This is a very hurtful, disrespectful and disappointing situation.

If anyone has any advice on how we can handle this situation wisely, respectfully and lovingly but also assertively and firmly, we would really appreciate it.
 
I sympathize with you, but I don’t really feel that what they feel is “abnormal.” She was their daughter in law for 15 years. That’s a long time. It would be hard to cut ties with a family member after someone else splits up with them. But I don’t really have any advice for you…they’re your husbands parents, so you can’t really make them stop talking to her.
 
Why is the FIL and SM’s relationship with the former spouse a problem for either of you?
 
In our family there have been at least 4 EX SIL and 1 EX DIL. My parents have always opened their home to these former family members. The truth is they did have relationships with the Ex’s. They care about them. My father passed away several years ago and several ex’s came to the funeral and others sent flowers. There was real love and respect there. In my parents mind it was never an either/or decision. They had enough love in their hearts for everyone.

Perhaps you and your DH can continue to focus on your wonderful new marriage. Try not to even let the subject arise between you. And give your FIL and SMIL the lattitude to choose their own “friends”.

Saying a prayer for all of you.
 
I agree with the previous posters. This is a relationship that is between your in-laws and their former DIL. It really should not be causing any problems with your husband and/or you. I just don’t understand why this is such an issue unless there is a either grudges being held by your husband against this women or your husband has a control issue which prompts him to insist on who his parents friends are. Either way, he needs to get past this.
 
**When my children married, their spouses became my children too.

After 15 years of loving their new daughter, you want your FIL and SMIL to now pretend she doesn’t exist? That all their feelings just go POOF ? Love doesn’t work that way, you love who you love. It’s not something that can just be turned off because someone else tells you to.

With all due respect, I think that possibly, being new to the family, you are maybe feeling a little threatened or jealous of her ? By what you have told us, it seems like she hasn’t caused any problems for either of you. By repeating in several ways that your husband is now the happiest he has ever been, etc.,etc., you seem to be trying to convince and re-assure yourself.

I may be wrong, but appears you are the one pushing this, and you would be far wiser to just let things go. Your husband chose YOU, he loves YOU, so just let the other stuff go. You will make yourself look like a petty child instead of a secure, loving woman by pushing this.

You are looking at love like it’s in a cup, and once it’s all gone there is no more. Instead, try looking at love like it’s a fire. You have the fire burning, and you can take all you want from it, share it with others, and it never leaves you with less of a fire, you still have what you had.

I wish you and your husband all the best. The world has enough discord in it, let love lead your new live.**
 
My suggestion: unfriend your inlaws on fb. They keep a relationship that’s meaningful to them. You keep your private lives out of ex’s line of vision.

You never have to engage in conversation about her. Simply exit.
 
monicatholic, thank you for providing a simple solution to the immediate issue. If I’m specifically asked about unfriending my FIL, how should I respond?

The reason this has come up again is the email from the EX to my husband. Prior to this new turn, this topic had been left alone. I do realize that we have no control over any one else’s actions. But if we’re being affected by it now, it makes things a little different.

I grew up with both my parents, who will be married for 40 years soon. There are no ex-spouses in the family. My husband and I have a great relationship with my parents, my brother, my MIL, SFIL and SIL.
 
CSLP said:
monicatholic, thank you for providing a simple solution to the immediate issue. If I’m specifically asked about unfriending my FIL, how should I respond?

The reason this has come up again is the email from the EX to my husband. Prior to this new turn, this topic had been left alone. I do realize that we have no control over any one else’s actions. But if we’re being affected by it now, it makes things a little different.

I grew up with both my parents, who will be married for 40 years soon. There are no ex-spouses in the family. My husband and I have a great relationship with my parents, my brother, my MIL, SFIL and SIL.
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Tell them reason this has come up is the email from the EX to my husband.
 
Well, here’s my thinking on the issue.

The more attention you give it, especially bringing it up to the family, the more you make people think about it and the more you force them into a “corner.”

If all she does is send some e-mails and make FB comments, simply let them go. Or, very politely simply reply “thank you” to any comments.

Not saying you have to have a relationship with her, not saying you have to talk to her, simply treat her with the respect due any human being and that’s all.

I know it’s hard to say…I feel for your position, please understand that. But my concern is that if you speak about her long enough, people will stay in touch with her simply because it’s the issue that’s going on now. Your goal should be to make it not an issue (in terms of your marriage).

If the family brings it up to you or DH, your standard reply should be “glad she is well” followed by the quiet that implies you have nothing further to discuss on the topic but is not impolite.

Let them have their relationship with her, and you have your relationship with them and your DH. It’s not a zero sum game. You win them over with love and understanding and not confrontation about the ex.

As harsh as it may sound, a business rule that sometimes works for competition is good here: it’s best if you don’t mention them at all. I know she’s not competition anymore, but you know what I mean (I hope).

Take the high road. As your own unique person, I’m sure you have plenty to talk about in your own life and DH life…wish her well and then guide the conversation.
 
Let the in-laws choose their own friends.
Get rid of Facebook completely. As in, delete your account.

Problem solved.
 
I don’t think you necessarily need to unfriend your FIL on facebook. You can simply set it up so that you don’t see his comments on other threads, and you can choose not to go looking at his home page. Also, I understand that when you post pictures on facebook, you can post them so that only certain people can see them. Just adjust your settings and you shouldn’t have to be bothered by her. Or you can do what I do, and don’t put pictures on FB at all.

The problem remains though, that your FIL probably has pictures of his own that he might put on FB. You can’t really control that, but you can ask him nicely not to put pictures of you on FB. My dh and I are very careful about security and sharing pictures, and we don’t want our kids’ pictures online. So we have made it clear to our friends and family that we would prefer they not put pictures of us on FB. A couple of times, we have had to ask them to remove it, but they’ve always respected our wishes. If you don’t frame it as an issue of who your FIL/SMIL can talk to or share with, but as an issue of security and not wanting your pictures publicized on the internet, hopefully they won’t be defensive about it. And try not to make it an issue of just the ex - just become more private about sharing your pictures in general.
 
CSLP said:
If anyone has any advice on how we can handle this situation wisely, respectfully and lovingly but also assertively and firmly, we would really appreciate it.
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My husband has an ex-wife, too. My mother-in-law and father-in-law are friends with her.

So how do you deal with this respectfully and lovingly? Let it go. Accept the fact that they’re allowed to have friendships you don’t like. Seriously. It’s crazy making to worry about this. (Been there, got the emotional scars to prove it.)

My husband and his ex-wife have a rocky post-divorce history that includes a long, sordid and expensive custody battle. Everyday I pray that I will resent her a little less and forgive her a bit more for what she put my husband, me, and their children through. When my mother-in-law starts talking about what Susan’s up to, a trip Susan’s planning, the new car Susan bought, or Susan’s newest boyfriend I count to ten and change the topic. “That’s nice, Harriet. You know, we really should start thinking about that yard sale we’ve talked about having. Are you still planning to sell the bed in the guest room?”

If you try to interfere in their friendship you run the risk of looking petulant and insecure.

Luna
 
Thank you to everyone for taking the time, thought and effort to comment. Thank you, particularly, to AHapka, Monicad and Luna Lovecraft for understanding where I’m coming from, your empathy and your personalized guidance based on all of that.

I’m a late-20’s, newly (and 1st-time) married woman, who comes from a very close family, very Catholic parents, and a culture where love, loyalty and responsibility to one’s family is most important above all else. I was raised with the belief that once you’re married, you’re married, that’s it - anything from the spouses’ pasts should be left far, far behind, and if anything has a potential to become trouble in the future then keep it away.

It’s been tricky figuring out the optimal way to deal with the varying dynamics and divisions in my husband’s family, and this particular additional factor has been even more bothersome to get my mind and heart around.

My husband and I have made special efforts from our side to treat my FIL and SMIL the same way we treat our other 2 sets of parents, with whom it’s been much easier having a great relationship. Even though the FIL/SMIL don’t treat us the same way our other parents and family members treat us. And also despite us feeling like my FIL/SMIL’s relationship with us was initially affected by their relationship with the EX - which was exemplified when they refused to meet me when my husband and I were still dating. This was after we thought we had given them ample time to “warm up” to the idea of my existence, and after he had met my family, and after I had met the rest of his family, and after our families had met each other.

I’m sure you realize that all of these several factors, dynamics and experiences affect the way we feel about this situation and my FIL and SMIL.

Thank you for your prayers and guidance, and for reminding me about the high road of strength and grace.
 
You have absolutely no right to dictate your in-laws relationships with other people. Period. They are not obligated to cut someone out of their lives because it makes you uncomfortable, and it is selfish of you to ask that.

My grandmother and mother kept my uncle’s first wife close for decades after their divorce. Heck, my aunt Esther was very much an aunt to me, even though the divorce happened years before I was born. I love her, and I’m allowed to love her.

My ex-fiance is more a part of my family than he is with his own. He is at every single holiday gathering, he stays with my mom or brother when he goes back to our hometown, and he is still called ‘uncle’ by my nieces. If anyone had an issue with that I wouldn’t have even bothered to date them. The great thing about my family is their welcoming nature, and if someone resented them for it and tried to pressure them in to giving someone the boot, I would have to remove them from my life. I’m very glad that my fiance has a big enough heart and mind to realize that there is room enough for everyone to be loved just as they are, even if the romantic relationship is over.

The only person you need to worry about is your husband, and it seems that he chose you completely and doesn’t even talk to his ex. That’s all you have the right to ask for.
 
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