Financial obligation to mentally ill parent?

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whimsicalmiss

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Hello, I’m a recent revert to the faith seeking some advice about whether a moral obligation to financially support my mother exists.

I was previously in a cohabiting relationship where our income allowed me to pay $250 per month toward my mother’s rent. I ended that relationship and will now be supporting myself and my children on one income.

If I squeeze and scrape, I could continue paying the monthly stipend. I feel frustrated and resentful that I must be responsible for my mother. She was not very motherly toward me when I was young, and I don’t have any particular affection for her. To complicate the matter, she is mentally ill but refuses to acknowledge it or seek help. We have tried to seek intervention for her and we are told that unless she threatens the life or safety of herself or others, there is nothing that can be done for her.

Her mental illness takes the form of auditory hallucinations and paranoia. She thinks she is psychic and says off-the-wall stuff. Whenever she misplaces things, she believes people came in and stole the items. She has installed an unauthorized extra lock on her door to prevent anyone from entering. She may be on the verge of eviction anyway, because she refuses to allow her apartment to be treated for bedbug infestation - she believes the bugs are being planted by the pest control company.

To date, I have contributed about $20,000 toward her rent over the years.

Am I morally obligated to continue providing financial help? My thought was to notify her that I will do 6 more months, and then stop providing the support, as well as offer resources for obtaining cheaper housing or other forms of housing assistance. The problem is that I doubt she is lucid enough to explore those options or even to let me help her work through them. I anticipate I will get screamed at when I break the news that the support is coming to an end.

Thoughts? In order to honor my mother, must I continue indefinitely providing financial support?
 
You don’t say how old your mom is, or what country you are in, but you should get in touch with the senior social services in your area. It sounds like your mom needs a social worker involved. She does seem unable to care for herself. And if what you are saying is true, they may be able to assist you get her the help she needs.

I do not think you need to continue to support you mother in the way you had been doing. If you can no longer afford it, then it is not possible. If you can still give something less for her, you may choose to do so, or maybe help her as needed for things, but not an outright payment each month. Your circumstances have changed, and it sounds like her’s needs to change. Please seek a professional to help you sort everything out.
 
To add to Irishmom…would she be able to continue with less than the $250? Is there an amount that you could feel comfortable with and would still help her on maybe half that amount? If you fully need the money then it become a practice matter. You can’t afford to do it. That it’s your mom is a guilt issue that you may have to overcome.

Do as Irishmom suggests and see what help is available. Do what you can. You are not required to do what you can not.
 
Hi there, thanks for the reply.

I’m in the US. My mom is 67 but stopped working long before she reached retirement age. She’s had mental health issues at least since her 40s (when I was in my teens). They used to be somewhat intermittent but over the years have only gotten worse with no lucid periods in between.

I suppose the best I can do is try to hook her up with social services, but if she refuses (as she has done previously) there’s not much else to do.

I mostly wondered if by choosing not to provide her with ongoing support, would I be dishonoring my mother and thereby committing a mortal sin. I’m not sure what “honoring” my mother looks like in her situation.
 
I don’t think you would be. If you cannot afford it, you can’t do it. Your circumstances have changed. She may need to move somewhere more affordable.

You might need to speak to someone about having power of attorney for your mom if she needs help and won’t do it for herself, or in order to find out her competency to decide for herself. again, talk to social services now, not later.
 
Your first responsibility is towards your children. They are dependents. Your mother is an adult.

If she is truly not competent to make decisions, you may be able to seek legal responsibility for her - but that would require visits to an attorney and a physician. You’d need to check out the laws in your area.

If she is able to make her own decisions, and simply refuses to seek help, you can’t force her to get help. You can tell her that you’re not prepared to enable her by paying her rent every month when you can’t afford it. If she whines, you can say (truthfully) that you have your children to consider. There is help out there for her, but if she chooses not to accept it, she can’t complain about the result.
 
The sad truth is, in this country there is little help for the mentally ill who are in denial. She may end up homeless on the streets, where she would probably not last long. That is a reality that needs to be taken into account. And that’s why it’s so important to consult a social worker and probably an attorney. Also she may be eligible for some services that you could arrange for her, if you had power of attorney-- help with rent, food stamps, and so on.
God bless.
 
She has been blessed for having you look after her for this long. You need to take care of your family now, you kids need you. I am assuming that you are in the United States. If you are look up elder services and tell them what is going on. Especially with her housing etc. There are resources, just not easy to obtain. One of the helpful things that she has done that can make a case where they can step in is with her apartment being infested with bedbugs and not letting help in. I am sure her landlord can also add to your story. She just might be able to get the help she needs. Sometimes it is easier for strangers to help out. Good luck and God Bless.
 
@whimsicalmiss,

I’m very sorry for your mum’s health. It must be a very heartbreaking thing for a daughter to experience.

Are there any social services that can help your mum with paying rent even if she doesn’t want to “engage” with them?
Or alternatively is there safe social housing in your country?
Perhaps there is an elderly persons centre or Catholic charity that could help?
Maybe they might have a person there that is compatible to your mum’s personality and that she would accept helping her with getting rent support etc?
My guess is that if it was someone she didn’t like she might resist this, but if the person was friendly maybe she would eventually come around hopefully.

With rent being such an ongoing expense is it possible for you and siblings to all contribute together to buy a house for mum or is this not achievable?

Would your mum be open to seeing a medical doctor? You probably already know but in some case these types of symptoms can be caused by other conditions like Hypothyroidism.
 
My mom is 65 and her mom is 85. Mom is of very sound mind and always has been, grandma on the other hand has exhibited some very odd behavior over the years, specifically related to hoarding and holding close things of little value (and not taking care of them) as they belonged to my grandpa or they bought them together before he passed 20 years ago. She recently had a massive windfall as her former golf course turned extremely expensive hobby sold less than a year ago for ~2x market value along with her house and grandpa’s dad’s house next door. Her poor decisions had burn through money she could not afford to loose, but did so anyway and she’s stated to the doctor that she’s “lost everything she loved” meaning not only my grandpa but her house he built and their golf course, this was said to her doctor right in front of my mom. Needless to say it could have been very hurtful to mom but she’s learned to take much of what grandma says with a mine of salt. Grandma fell out of bed in September and broke her collar bone which ordinarily would have necessitated surgery but her preexisting conditions precluded that from happening. She’s been in a rehabilitation center for over three months and is now in her new house. Sitting on enough money to allow her to live comfortably for the rest of her years has been a blessing but her inability to make sound financial decisions could potentially put her back in jeopardy again. New house details she demanded were costly, not needed and could make it harder to sell when the time comes and she continues to argue with mom about having more control over her finances despite not being able to remember where any cash went or ability to remember any passwords for anything.

Mom made a promise to grandpa on his death bed to take care of grandma but it’s getting harder to do so without having her declared mentally incompetent for which grandma would resent her for the rest of her life. Doing so, she would be nearly guaranteed to not become a ward of the state and life comfortably the rest of her years, as is the future of her nest egg is unsure.

Bottom line, while this is far from an apples to apples situation, do what you can for your mom after you take care of your kids and yourself first. Your kids need you more than your mom to live a happy and healthy life. A little sacrifice on your part for mom’s sake wouldn’t be a bad thing but really putting yourself out to the point of not offering your kids what they need would be going too far IMHO.
 
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