Finding it hard to cope

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A_Famulus

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Turned 18 not long ago and I have a constant problem with my Dad. I was under legal obligation for the last few years to spend time with him every two weeks, which may not seem like much, but during those weekends I found it hard not to become extremely annoyed,anxious, and prone to anger. My Dad is the kind of person to always have something to say or one to have an inherent need to talk about something even though it will fall on deaf ears.
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 As an introvert and a person who only cares about small talk in a tight nit circle of friends, I find myself irritated not only by the constant chatter, but the lack of privacy and constant judgement I'm subjected to. This is due to the fact that my Dad and I spend a lot of time next to each other on these weekends and our screens being close together, I feel like I can't talk to anyone online or do anything on my screen for fear of judgement or to hear a age long tale about what is right or wrong about whatever is on my screen. Even if I'm just looking at a site such as Reddit, he sees an opinion or a controversial post and starts to rant, while I'm gritting my teeth and waiting for him to stop. Now that I'm 18 this was all supposed to change, but it hasn't since I have my sister who is still under legal pressure to spend time with him on these weekends. This is a problem since we've only wanted to spend these weekends over my Mom's house and I'm caught in the crossfire now because my sister doesn't like to spend time with him either for the reasons above and she locks herself in her room leaving me to entertain him all day even though I'm not legally obligated. 

This has all led to outbursts in the past of full on, tear-filled, rage on my part because I couldn't handle how much I didn't want to be around him. I accepted this as a mortal sin and confessed it recently, trying to be better about my anger around him and asking God to give me the strength to get through these brief but exhausting visits. Just being around him lately has been a near occasion of sin because it's unfortunate that the most irritating and hard to be around person at the time is my own Dad. I still love my Dad and want the best for him, but I can't be around him picking at me and treating me as if I still need his guidance all the time in my life, instead of being there when I ask for the guidance or his two cents. All this stress in my life just from one person has driven me to madness, as I already deal with OCD and serious scruple thoughts all the time as another cross in my life. I've confided all these thoughts to my Mom all while being emotionally high strung and, literally, pulling my hair out. All these problems I've laid before my Dad, but it only sticks with him for a few days until he just goes back to the usual routine of picking at my brain and everything that goes on in my life. As a person who used to play WoW with him as a bonding experience, he was invited to the guild I was in and judged each of my friends online as a bad influence and spent time trying to be part of our group on Ventrilo even though he was not welcome, making things awkward all around and chipping away even more at the little privacy from him that I had. This became such a problem that someone anonymously banned him from the vent server. It's not a crime to be involved in your son's life but at the high-teen ages we need space and my Dad doesn't recognize that to the point that I want a strictly phone relationship for a time until I can stand to be around him again whether that be days, weeks, or months.

 In response to all this, after confession I've been trying to be better with prayer, by praying the Rosary and Divine Chaplet everyday (which in honesty I forgot to pray the Rosary yesterday :( ), praying for strength in these tough situations. I feel as if I could use more advice in this situation other than from my Mom who really couldn't help make it easier on me at the time I was legally obligated.

 I'm sorry for the long post, but for those that do read it and give advice, I really appreciate it. I just feel at a loss of words and feel backed into a corner wanting to scratch my way out of this situation. I'm new to the forums and have been reading them for a time, and enjoy the faith expressed in this forums and draw/rejoice in it. I realize this is nothing compared to the other problems in the world, but all this stress is demotivating me and depressing me to no end. Again, any advice would be appreciated and I would be happy to give more dynamics on the situation.
Thanks and God bless.
 
How old is your sister? Will she be soon old enough to wisely regulate her time spent with your Dad soon?
The time will come when you can arrange visits with your Dad on what you feel are healthy terms…at a cafe perhaps. The time will pass.
In the meantime you seem to feel you’re not handling the stress well.

It seems unlikely you can do anything to change your Dad’s desperate efforts to control your life and thoughts. I hope you can find a wise, creative and kind yet effective way to set boundaries in place.

One is tempted to wonder if it’s possible for you to have counseling advice…

Maybe you need to take a book over rather than interactive technology…or certainly to find less interactive occupations? If he has a garden offer to weed or hose…or wash his car, or anything you can kindly think of that requires more action than talk. Is that possible…at least to give you a sense of space some time during your visit.
 
AussieTrish said:
How old is your sister? Will she be soon old enough to wisely regulate her time spent with your Dad soon?
The time will come when you can arrange visits with your Dad on what you feel are healthy terms…at a cafe perhaps. The time will pass.
In the meantime you seem to feel you’re not handling the stress well.

It seems unlikely you can do anything to change your Dad’s desperate efforts to control your life and thoughts. I hope you can find a wise, creative and kind yet effective way to set boundaries in place.
One is tempted to wonder if it’s possible for you to have counseling advice…
Maybe you need to take a book over rather than interactive technology…or certainly to find less interactive occupations. If he has a garden offer to weed…or wash his car, or anything you can kindly think of that requires more action than talk. Is that possible?
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She is still about four years from 18. She is very rigid when it comes to her time spent with my Dad, as in she rather not deal with him at all and allow me to. I’m not sure if a counseling between my Dad and I would help because hes very stubborn from my point of view and sees my thoughts of him as me trying to “dispose of him” or taking it as disrespect, because of this he disregards my point of view almost completely. As far as other hobbies, that is possible, but I can’t stay out of the house forever nor can I hole up in another room around a book all day without being eventually bothered by him about my sister holing herself in her room. My Dad’s answer to all of this is to try to be more involved in our lives and try to dig more into us, which acts as a springboard with the breaking point being my anger.
 
I didn’t mean to read etc all the time, but just in order to take to a break…but why are you taking full responsibility for your sister? It’s not helping her as a person to relinquish all responsibility of relationship with her father to you.
Perhaps you shouldn’t go over with your sister every time, so that she is able to deal with her responsibility. Allowing a person to get away with escapist behavior, is confirming them in it, and it is teaching your sister to leave others to handle and cushion what she should be handling herself. You won’t always be there, so she does need to face her own relationships and responsibilities.
Maybe she won’t handle it well, but her relationship with her Dad is between her father and herself.
It’s not your responsibility.
Have you considered this at all?
 
I have considered it, but my sister and I don’t have a relationship in which we talk a whole lot. My parents already put a lot of pressure her to spend her weekends with him and not in her room. I am especially for this because of the reasons listed above. I can definitely give it a shot, I’m just not sure how much it will do. Thank you for the advice.
 
It’s not your issue to talk to your sister about it, if that is difficult, but for her to deal directly with your Dad and he with her. You may have protected her, but you won’t be always able to do so, thus she needs to learn to deal with her own issues.

It’s possible that you will receive criticism for not going over anyway, as your father will feel threatened…that he’s losing you…so be very kind yet have the right degree of decisiveness. I wouldn’t recommend that you remain away always. Let your Dad know you’ll be there the following time…and having some control over the situation you may begin to feel less stressed.

What are the chances that you can have interests or hobbies that mean you sometimes cannot go to your Dad’s for legitimate reasons? A club, a course? I don’t mean, ‘rock the boat’ but go about things quietly.
Your father apparently can’t help his nature, and he has basic goodwill, so there is always the need for charity, but if we can’t set our boundaries by stating them, we do need to create opportunities to provide reasonable boundaries.Charity always, but you are on the cusp of adulthood and some things in your life will change. That change is often difficult for parents to process, but we must find a way to allow our children to become less dependent and to make their own choices.

The fact is that young people do legitimately develop new interests and friendships that make them less available to their parents. It’s a natural progression from childhood to adulthood.
 
I wish I had more outlets on the weekends that would help curb the amount of time I have to deal with him. I’m in a situation ATM where I don’t have any outside friends other than those I’ve met through gaming communities and guildies. So most of my time is spent playing or chatting with them at the computer at home. Off the top of my head, I can only think of the youth group, but I don’t think they meet on the weekends. Other than that I could go to a social gathering to meet real life friends, but I lack the motivation atm. The biggest reason why I have no outside friends is because of the affect OCD had on my life, as it hit me while I was in the early grades of high school, I loss touch with literally everyone I knew because I couldn’t stand to be around people because of triggers, thoughts, and scrupulous obsessions.

As far as my Dad being threatened of losing me I can reason with. I understand that is the very product of why he insists on trying to spend more time, even though it’s blatantly the wrong decision in this situation, at least from my point of view. All parents “lose” their children in a sense as it is a natural part of life. I just wish he understood that and directed more of his attention to his own personal life rather than interfering with mine. As you said he is goodwill’d I realize that, just how stubborn he is about this is frustrating to me is all =/. Thanks again.
 
A_Famulus said:
The biggest reason why I have no outside friends is because of the affect OCD had on my life, as it hit me while I was in the early grades of high school, I loss touch with literally everyone I knew because I couldn’t stand to be around people because of triggers, thoughts, and scrupulous obsessions.

As far as my Dad being threatened of losing me I can reason with. I understand that is the very product of why he insists on trying to spend more time, even though it’s blatantly the wrong decision in this situation, at least from my point of view. All parents “lose” their children in a sense as it is a natural part of life. I just wish he understood that and directed more of his attention to his own personal life rather than interfering with mine. As you said he is goodwill’d I realize that, just how stubborn he is about this is frustrating to me is all =/. Thanks again.
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I understand that you need to protect yourself from triggers, though I suppose they could also exist in your virtual interactions. It’s also hard if you’re a little shy.
You’re a good young man, and I think you’ll get through this.
Understanding yourself, and understanding your Dad, try not to be too hard on yourself.

Unfortunately, it does take time for a parent to begin to " let go". It’s not easy, and it’s a process that is very hard and hurtful for many parents. Recently I’ve been seeing one Dad having a really hard time letting go of his daughter, and she’s 22. Both are having a hard time of it.

I’ll pray for you both, anyway. I’m basically introvert, but deal with it okay much of the time. I try to consider people and spend time with them but I feel desperate, though, if I don’t sometimes have space and quiet, so do understand a little of what you’re going through.

God bless you and your family
 
A,
I don’t have a lot more advice… do other things on the weekends would be my advice too, but as I was talking with my now 21-year-old daughter, I realized that just as she is learning to be an adult, I am learning to be the parent of an adult.

You need to learn to be an adult, and your parents need to learn to be the parents of an adult.

Do you have a counselor for your OCD? It seems like this might be a good time to get one.

Even if your father doesn’t change --maybe he’s a bit OCD?-- counseling could still help you, and might help you learn to remind him that he’s supposed to change his ways? He’s teying to cram a month’s worth of relationship with you into 4 days… that’s hard to work out.

Maybe if you called/emailed him more often he’d feel less concerned about your not going over as much.

Bit I do think if y’all can swing it, that counseling would be a good idea. Your sister could benefit too, bit i agree with the above poster that she is not your responsibility.

It does sound like you are in a tough situation.
 
So, correct me if I’m wrong-You are 18 now and no longer legally obligated to make visitations but you’re doing it anyway because of your sister? If this is true, I wouldn’t go or as someone posted just don’t get on the computer while you’re there, find other things to do. Where’s your Mom in all this and what does she think? My prayers are with you and your little sister. I’m divorced too and my older children have been through all the joint custody drama. Their dad was somewhat of a control freak so when they were with me I would compensate by being the cool mom-with a less restrictive environment, which obviously neither extreme are very good ones.
 
It sounds to me like your dad needs to wake up and smell the coffee. Does your mom know how serious the situation is? If so, she needs to look into reinforcing a few rules. Like decent behavior, especially in her house. If he breaks the rules, then he needs to leave. Sure, your sister is under 18, but if she has some problem with this, which I don’t blame her, it might be time to talk to a “disinterested” third party. Not just anyone, but someone who can help you deal with this mess. I agree with the idea of not leaving your sister alone with this man. But you also need to break away from this. My prayers are with you.
 
Thank you all who replied. I just got out of church and read all the responses. As a final reply, I’ll work on getting out more especially on his weekends. As for the concerns about my OCD, I thank you for your concern, I’m already medicated and have been to several therapy sessions but regardless of that it is still a cross that I’m thankful for as it has humbled me and brought me into a better direction

Thank you again, for the concerns, prayers, and advice. God bless and you are all in my prayers.
 
Hi! Here are a couple practical ideas: First, you’ve gotten very good advice about avoiding the online gaming etc. when you are around your dad. It will be difficult since I’m sure you want to have contact with your friends, but don’t set yourself up for a bad situation. Also, try to identify other triggers for his comments, and do what you can to avoid those. It might be helpful to do some soul-searching to see if his comments are the real problem, or if you have any underlying issues with him and this is the way it’s manifesting itself.
Next, when you are IN the situation, pray for him in your head while he’s running off at the mouth. Then, try to anticipate his behavior, and mentally prepare yourself. For example, you might think “Ok Dad realizes I’m talking to Friend A, who he doesn’t like for this reason. He’ll likely start complaining about this this and this now, and I am going to feel angry and frustrated. I’m going to brace myself, then try to emotionally step away, and pray for him.” It sounds lame but it’s effective.
Finally, --and this may be terrible advice since I don’t know the whole situation-- try being the one to start a conversation with him next time about something neutral… or even ask him about himself. This may be absolute torture at first, but it may deflect the focus off of you and it may satisfy the attempt at a relationship he is trying to have with you. Then, after a little while, go back to your book. My heart really goes out to you and I will pray for you and your family. Try to see your dad the way God sees him.
 
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