Finding out my wife was raped

[onceablasphemer]

Long story short, my wife was violently abused as a child by her neighbor. I will not go into detail but what happened has left its mark in the form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). She has flashbacks in which she is unaware on a semi regular basis. Last night she had one and revealed to me that she was raped in high school. She has told me things during her flashbacks that are true, so I have no reason to doubt that this is anything but true. I do not know where to go from here. She has told me about the abuse as a child but not about this. Should I ask her about it? Please pray for us, her especially, and for me that I may have the wisdom to approach this correctly.

 

[john_6789]

Although I am not married, I can relate to your situation somewhat. A good friend of mine suffered from anorexia and would occasionally “space out” (for the lack of a better term) during which she would tell me the kinds of things that she had suffered, including a rape.

In many cases, the victim of such an attack will try to suppress or deny the reality of what happened. This is a defense mechanism of the human mind to maintain stability. While this can work for years, it is merely a crutch. If the troubling situation is not taken care of, it can lead to an overwhelming collapse later on.

The short answer is that you and your wife should seek out a good catholic therapist. But it sounds like making that first step is the difficult one.

If my suggestion carries any weight, I would approach her with love in your heart and the desire to do the right thing. Perhaps when the two of you are alone in a comfortable setting, tell her that you heard her talking in her sleep about some troubling things. She may know what you are talking about and want to tell you because it has been a burden that she has carried for too long.

If she reacts poorly, tell her the truth. You are her husband, you love her, and you are going to be there for her in good times and in bad. Working through these emotional and spiritual scars may be a journey for you and your wife, but it is worth doing,

If you are scared to do this, just remember that you are called to love your wife as Christ loves the church. It can be a tall order for some, but it is what we are called to do as men.

 

[Aggies08]

These are things you would ask a therapist- you should receive counseling as well as her. A good thereupon will help you to know how to support her, and answer questions you may have.

You are in my prayers!

 

[The_Bucket]

If she reacts poorly, tell her the truth. You are her husband, you love her, and you are going to be there for her in good times and in bad. Working through these emotional and spiritual scars may be a journey for you and your wife, but it is worth doing,

If you are scared to do this, just remember that you are called to love your wife as Christ loves the church. It can be a tall order for some, but it is what we are called to do as men.

Absolutely excellent advice. I imagine she’s been afraid to talk about it because it not only reminds her of those terrible incidents but also prompts her thinking that maybe she deserved it or something. Victims of abuse very often are twisted into thinking that somehow they got what they deserved or they brought it on or something. It’s a warped defense mechanism in our minds.

You won’t be able to “fix” her. That’s God’s job. You need to remind her that you’re there for her always and so is God. Neither of you will ever abandon her.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

I will give you my advice, which you can weigh if its appropriate. PTSD is a stubborn problem and it can make many aspects of her life go wrong. We probably all have bit of this, life is traumatic to all of us in one way or another and it does affect us, and permanently, to some degree or another, but a rape can cause some pretty severe PTSD. So you should start looking into treatments. There are various psychological treatments. A lot of war vets suffer this, for example. Different cause, same outcome. Many are disabled for life with PTSD. Lots and lots of people on social security disability for PTSD. Its stubborn.

The other option is spiritual healing. Jesus heals hearts, and your wife’s wounded heart grieves Him deeply because He loves her so much. He wants to make her whole. And when He does a thing, He does it most thoroughly! I will tell you about my own experience with spiritual healing, about Jesus healing me. I am not saying the ministry that I went to for this is the one you should try. I am just telling you about it because it worked for me. But I hope that it will make you realize that Jesus does work this way. It will be good to do a bit of searching online, and learn about different ministries. You could make a point to go to Eucharistic Adoration on a very regular basis, as often as can fit in your life, while you seek His wisdom and direction while you learn what options are out there.

Here is my experience.

Last year about this time I arranged a healing for a friend with extremely severe PTSD. She had been on disability for many years because of it. She had already lost custody of her three older children and was not in danger of losign the younger two. She had been to years and years of counseling, including (name removed by moderator)atient on more than one occasion, and tried many techniques and learned a lot and had a plethora of coping mechanisms and she was highly talented at managing life in many respects.

However she she was extremely hard to live with and be friends with because of constant episodes. Lat summer I was once-again overwhelmed with the manifestations of her PTSD, and realized, this cannot be God’s will for her. So I searched for a healing ministry for her especially severe PTSD. I found several that looked good. The ones I narrowed it down that would work for her were all Protestant, however, God works in many ways, and when people seek His wisdom, he awards it in full measure. Also I feel I have been gifted with discernment, and I do not take it for granted; I discerned carefully, and felt most led to one called Freedom Encounters. Turns out, they take the most severe cases that other ministries get stuck on and can’t "fix, and my friend was certainly among the moist severe. [They don’t actually fix them; they pray to Jesus to heal them].

My friend bailed at the last minute. But just a couple weeks before, i was praising Jesus, and thanking him for loving my friend so much that he was going to make her whole. I was just feeling joy and love for Him. To my surprise, [and this is rare, it might have been the first time He spoke to me, though He had manifested inother ways, yet it seemed perfectly normal when it happened] in response I heard His voice speak to me (interiorly). He said, “I love you, too. Don’t *you *want to be whole?”

I was so surprised. I had felt I was okay. Life was going well. And compared to my friend, I was fantastic! But this made me I realize: “Oh! I guess I am not whole.” It was a knowing. I very soon called the ministry, and explained to the woman I had arranged to meet (they train people all over the country and other countries; the one I went to was in the neighboring state) and asked, 'Do you help people with just regular, everyday PTSD, not just the horrendous stuff like my friend’s?" She said absolutely they do, in fact, all the ministers went through the healing process themselves as part of their training. So I arranged to go with my friend, just after her, on the same weekend I had went through quite a big deal to plan.

**

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

[continued from previous post]

And the prep is extensive, how fast one gets to the prep (this is the way this ministry does it, others have their own ways) depends on the individual. There are 10 long DVD lectures, and a workbook. So you know what you are getting into, there is no surprises. It did not take me so long, having a lot of theology in my background. But it was intensive. There is a cost for the DVDs of course, and a nominal fee the minister’s one-on-one very, very intensive time with you, but its really, really nominal. My friend agreed about that; she has spent many, many tens of thousands of dollars on therapies for her PTSD over the years, and many many many hours of therapy. This is relatively fast, for a life-changing happening. Its generally 4 hours, non-dramatic, quiet, intensive, one-on-one. Then a week later, a shorter follow-up. And you are healed!

Halfway thru the DVDs my friend bailed, and landed in a mental ward after hurting herself, and did lose custody of her two younger children. She said to me, “I want to go one as things have been”. Her whole life she had learned to cope, I think she was okay with coping. She had the whole ward staff following her detailed instructions. Gosh. You woudl think they would know better! I did, after this, feel called to end the friendship; I did not want to go on as before alongside with her!

The idea of going by myself, when I did not even plan this for me, did not appeal to me. I had never been to this state. But because of what led me to doing it, I felt a calm need to go ahead alone.

I cannot tell you how free I felt after that healing session, how very cleansed, how very full of God’s graces. I felt, and still do, that I am a new person. It seems unfair, sometimes, other people my age carry such burden, from years in this sinful world, why should I be free like a younger person? I know I must give back since God has given me so much.

It is this ministry’s idea, a revelations from God, they believe, after years in the healing ministries and actively seeking his wisdom, that because of PTSD,m people get multiples. Part of this healing, in a short four hours instead of years of therapy, these multiples are pulled into one personality for good. They also believe we all have some forms of multiples, as we all have some kind of PTSD. Quite a spectrum of how bad it can be of course. It was a novel idea to me, yet, it makes sense. Multiples not being this strange thing that pops up in only some people, but something most of us have in some milder form, as a way to cope with the pain of life. Which Jesus wants to heal.

There is more and more healing ministries these days because we live in times where there is that need and God is answering that need. We have such a trash culture, and its damaging people. The evil one seems to be winning. But God has not left us, and as powerful as the evil one’s hold seems to be, God’s is stronger.

 

[Luigi_Daniele]

Long story short, my wife was violently abused as a child by her neighbor. I will not go into detail but what happened has left its mark in the form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). She has flashbacks in which she is unaware on a semi regular basis. Last night she had one and revealed to me that she was raped in high school. She has told me things during her flashbacks that are true, so I have no reason to doubt that this is anything but true. I do not know where to go from here. She has told me about the abuse as a child but not about this. Should I ask her about it? Please pray for us, her especially, and for me that I may have the wisdom to approach this correctly.

She’s told you. I would not ask about it, and pray for her healing (I have).

NB: I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist.

 

[Julia_Mae]

These are things you would ask a therapist- you should receive counseling as well as her. A good thereupon will help you to know how to support her, and answer questions you may have.

You are in my prayers!

As an adult survivor of abuse, this is the best advice, ever. But, find someone who deals specifically with these issues. A generic marriage-counselor sort of person will rarely have the expertise.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

P.S. For this kind of spiritual healing, with the ministry I described, you do not have to relive your past trauma. This is important to know. My friend, who had so many PTSD therapies, found some of the therapies as bad as the trauma because of having to relive some of the horrible things. My friend was greatly encouraged this woudl not be asked of her.

I just remembered a good Catholic ministry. You have to look into Jonette Benkovich’s website - she has the show Women of Grace on EWTN, and one of her frequent guests is a lovely lady therapist who has some excellent therapy for PTSD, and I would trust that. It involves a bit more time, but its days long, much shorter than the weeks and years normally called for for PTSD therapy. This is definitely a ministry/therapy to consider. I think its in North or South Carolina. Also you should know that this therapy also does not require one to relive or retell the traumatic experience. I am sure if you email Benkovich’s contact email on her website, with that partial information, she will direct you to her.

Whatever you pick, your wife should have a hand in it, be aware of options, and pick something that feels right to her. It will be an investment of your time and money, but well worth it, because this will not go away on its own, and its manifestations usually get worse and worse. Also, talk to the therapists themselves, for example, the one that has been on Jonette’s show - they should all be willing to consult for free about what they do. She will agree that your wife should be encouraged towards therapy, and can give you some tips how, in case she wants to flee from it.

So God picked you to be husband to someone whose heart is so damaged. He must have a lot of confidence that you will do the right thing by her! With His help, you can!

 

[erine]

I have PTSD from similar stuff. I would want my husband to love all of me, even the traumatized part. I would not want him to see me as my experience or as sick or damaged or less than human. I would want him t have more faith in me and in God than in the trauma. I would not want him to become scared of me or the trauma and be unable to reach me fully as a result. I would want him to guide me to be forward looking and be loving to the parts of me that were hurt.

I think it’s great you are being sensitive to approaching this the right way. Most of all don’t ever let her feel stigmatized or alone in this. Many people have acted like they couldn’t handle my story and as a result couldn’t handle me. This is victim blaming and it’s incredibly painful. I don’t think you are doing anything like this so I’m just sharing my experience. The best people see me as I am, not as my story, and respect my trials but also are lighthearted and full of humor and joy because their love for me is stronger than any trauma, since it is from God. They are not afraid.

Your love that you share with your wife is from God and can heal, God working through you. A catholic therapist is fine. Suggestion though: do NOT suggest a therapist as the first option and bring it up before relating to her yourself about all this…make sure she knows you love and accept all of her and arent daunted by this. (through actions. Don’t just say it.) When people hear my story and the first thing out of their mouth is “are you talking to someone about this” it is like a slap in the face. I just told them my most personal thing because I need them and want them as a friend, and they reject me coldly because it’s too much of a burden to them. I know it isn’t always what is intended but that’s how it comes across. Our society has contempt for the weak. So my thought is love her as a husband, you don’t have to be her therapist, and then explain that part of being her loving spouse is to help provide extra outside help if needed. But the more you do yourself the better, like reading about PTsD etc. even the tiniest gestures people did to go out of their way to show they accepted me were invaluable in my eyes. What you are doing on this thread is a good example.

Another note, avoid secular therapists, definitely go with a real Catholic. When I had a spiritual experience (validated by spiritual director) one therapist would secretly think I was crazy but pretend to believe me until I confronted her. it messed with my trust a lot.

Finally I wil just say that in all my experience, the sacraments and prayer healed me more than any doctor by a long shot. But it can help to have someone who The Lord works through.

The best thing I ever did in my life was offer all my PTSD suffering united with Christ’s through Mary. Then my life changed forever.

I also second everything Oh Charlotte said. I didn’t watch owe DvD’s but I read a book (also Protestant) about asking Jesus to heal each fragmented part of the self. That has been my process it is awesome.

 

[john_6789]

Your love that you share with your wife is from God and can heal, God working through you. A catholic therapist is fine. Suggestion though: do NOT suggest a therapist as the first option and bring it up before relating to her yourself about all this…make sure she knows you love and accept all of her and arent daunted by this. (through actions. Don’t just say it.).

Thank you, Erine for clarifying that point. I agree with you that suggesting therapy as the first reaction to the news would be a hurtful way to approach the situation.

 

[erine]

Thank you, Erine for clarifying that point. I agree with you that suggesting therapy as the first reaction to the news would be a hurtful way to approach the situation.

You seem like a great husband. Abused kids get a shame based identity. God can heal this stigma through his own marked hands. I can tell you about terrible panic attacks I had when people reacted to my shame with more shame. It’s not good. They don’t know any better but at least I can help by explaining it to you.

 

[bumby]

I was raped as a teenager. It took me a long time to get over it (10 years) but talking about it with my husband helped. So did cuddles when all I wanted to do was cry and be angry.

 

[onceablasphemer]

Thanks for all the kind words, I will take the advice to heart. The difficult thing is that she is not willing to go through counseling right now. I am going to seek help through a Catholic (or at least Christian) psychologist. The thing I am struggling with is that she does not know that she told me because when she slips away she has no recollection, she thinks she was sleeping. I am not sure if I should tell her what she said to me or if I should stay quiet.

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

Thanks for all the kind words, I will take the advice to heart. The difficult thing is that she is not willing to go through counseling right now. I am going to seek help through a Catholic (or at least Christian) psychologist. The thing I am struggling with is that she does not know that she told me because when she slips away she has no recollection, she thinks she was sleeping. I am not sure if I should tell her what she said to me or if I should stay quiet.

If you can call that woman Jonette Bechovich recommended, she would tell you what you should or should not say. It is a delicate situation where one who is not familiar with this sort of thing woudl not know the right answer.