When I first read at Mass, I was as nervous as hell, I could feel my pulse inside my head, However since then, I read a great piece from Dr. Phil’s book “Life Code” on this sort of fear which has helped me enourmously, I thought I would just write it out for you here (I hope I have not breached any copywright issues as I have referenced it). -
The following is an extract from Dr Phil’s book - Life Code
Play the “What If?” Game
The hardest part of really getting to know yourself is facing your fears, the ones that keep you awake at night, tossing and turning and staring at the ceiling as the anxiety grips you and brings you to a cold sweat. Anxiety is one of the biggest obstacles to success in anyone’s life. If you so much as admit to yourself that you want more than you currently have, you can experience a tremendous amount of anxiety. Why? Because once you’ve admitted that what you have now is not what you want, how can you ever be satisfied staying where you are? Just admitting it to yourself puts pressure on you to try for something more. And in almost every situation, for you to have more, for you to have a greater degree of success, the world and, more specifically, the people in it have to accept and value what you have to offer. And when you put yourself out there, you’re risking something. If you’re like most people, your number-one fear is rejection, and your number-one need is acceptance.
If you’re like most people, your number-one fear is rejection, and your number-one need is acceptance.
Think about asking the one you love to take your relationship to the next level. Marriage? Exclusivity? Living together? This is anxiety-producing because your special someone might look at you and say, “Gee, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.” Ouch! After admitting you wanted more, after putting yourself out there and asking to be accepted and validated, you are told that you are just not enough, and the string of rejection and failure can last a long, long time.
Because you know that is a possible outcome, you can be paralysed by anxiety and fear of rejection. You can be stuck in a very uncomfortable “comfort zone.” And what do we all do when we are faced with potential rejection and failure? We begin to play the “What If?” game.
You’ve done it a million times-you know you have.
“What if he doesn’t like me?”
“What if I sing in front of everyone and they hate it?”
"What if I tell my significant other I’m not willing to be treated this way anymore, and he just tells me, “Tough-if you don’t like it, get out’?”
“What if I work really hard to write a book about the new ‘Life Code’ and everyone hates it and nobody even bothers to read it?”
I could go on and on, because there are an infinite number of examples. I’m not so grandiose as to think that I can get you to stop playing the “what if?” game. But it is in this mind-set that probably constitutes the single biggest obstacles to your making a significant change. It’s probably part of our “emotional DNA.” What I can do instead is teach you how to play the “what if?” game, so you don’t wind up paralysed in your life.
Think of it as a schematic. If A happens, it leads to B. If B happens, It leads to C. If C happens, then D, and so on. But here’s the trick: If you’re going to play the “what if?” game, then you have to play it all the way to the end. Answer every question until you reach the absolute bottom line. let’s say it takes from A all the way to E. So what you really have to decide from the outset is whether you can deal with E. I’ll apply this schematic to an example. A few years back, I had a delightful woman on my show who was a classically trained pianist. She had experienced a debilitating panic attack during a performance and, as a result, had been unable to sit down and play the piano for years. Here is a paraphrase of our dialogue as I recall it:
Her: What if I sit down and play a piano, especially in front of an audience, and have another panic attack? (That’s A.)
Me: Okay, let’s assume that happens, then what?
Her: I might get nauseated, throw up all over the keys, and then pass out and in front of everyone. (Now we’ve got B.)
Me: Okay, then what would happen?
Her: I would slide off my bench and be passed out on the ground. (This is C.)
Me: Okay, then what would happen?
Her: Well (now she’s having trouble because she’s never played it out this far), I guess, I don’t know, I guess, I would lay there, unconscious, until I woke up? Then I would run off the stage, I don’t know! (There’s our D.)
Me: Okay, so you eventually wake up and run off, and then what would happen?
Her: Well, I would be backstage, embarrassed, having confirmed that I had a panic attack problem associated with playing the damn piano. (And, we’ve arrived at E.)
Me: Okay, so the worst that could happen is that you would pass out in front of a bunch of people you don’t know and will never see again and wind up backstage knowing what you already know-which is you have a problem with panic attacks and pianos. Have I got that about right? (Now that she’s played it out to finality, she can deal with that, rather than all the steps in between.)
Her: Yes, but when you put it that way, it doesn’t seem so bad.
Please continue to next post -
