Follow-Up to Wife in Ongoing Affair

[ValPal]

There are children involved, and when there are children involved, they must be considered. Cheating is a marriage killer, but when their a kids involved, both parents must suck it up and try to work it out. If the cheating spouse is serious, then that spouse should have no problem going to counseling and have no problem stating her whereabouts at all times. I would insist on it.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Go watch “Fireproof” the movie.

Sorry if she has mental issues causing this, but if she’s had 2 chances, that’s enough. First time on her, second on you.

Personally though, and this is not pastoral advice, I’d put her in the car with her clothes in a trash bag, drive her down to farmer Joe’s and dump her off.

As they say “stupid should hurt”, and maybe living without her kids and with farmer Joe would let her see the error of her ways.

But, it doesn’t really sound like you and me are alike in that way…

 

[vames]

You are a woman and if OP was a woman whose husband was cheating so blatantly I doubt you’d offer the same advice. I see this double standard a lot and I’m going to question it every time.

Oh, now I see your point. No, I have no problems at all substituting male/female in my previous post. I’d be the last to encourage double standards, since I myself had a male coworker who happened to cheat on his wife while depressed. Nice and smart people, both of them. But his depression was exactly like I described it above - like trying to climb a mountain while severely sleep deprived. The wife find out about the affair, packed her bags and left, which made him even unhappier, then after a while he asked her to come back, she accepted and eventually both moved to Germany. Then a few months ago he sent us an email and said they were expecting their first child. I have no idea if this could be called a happy end, but I guess compassion can help… at least in some cases. And the OP indeed comes across as a compassionate man.

 

[Blacksword]

Cool. Made me chuckle. I pray for Farmer Ted too. I like to pray the rosary when jog. I used to jog past his place and wherever I was in the prayer (usually the 3rd decad) I offered for him.

Unreal. You must be an absolute saint! I will pray for you and your family. All I can say is you show an unbelievable compassion and grace under pressure. If it was me I’d be heading to his place too, but I would not be saying a rosary…good on you sir

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Well, not really. Some people are weaker, some are stronger. Some are depressed and medicated for depression, some are perfectly healthy and proud of their health. This doesn’t imply that some are more guilty and others should be excused; this only implies different paths and different solutions for different families. It’s one thing to decree “sin” and another thing to understand its mechanism. The OP didn’t open the thread to find out whether an affair is a sin, **but to understand how to get out his wife from that sin **and to find the best solution for his family.

See, there’s the problem.

HE cannot get his wife out of her sin. No matter what he does or doesn’t do, she has her own choices to make. All he can do is protect himself and his children going forward. He can set boundaries for himself. He can’t force her or entice her or convince her to stop cheating on him. He CAN say, "I cannot trust you because you have violated my trust at least twice, when you said you would stop seeing this man and you broke my trust both times. Therefore, I must take care to guard my heart against you. Thus, you must leave our home for now, and I have discussed the situation with a lawyer. I will tell the children that you have been having an affair. Unfortunately, this will change your relationship with them. You chose this when you continued the affair. I have also spoken to our priest and let him know what is going on in our home - that you have been adulterous while pretending to be a devout Catholic. Actions have consequences.

When you are truly repentant, and have left Farmer Ted for good, and lived chastely for 6 mos., we can discuss the future. As for now, don’t call me, don’t text me, and don’t expect to spend time with our children without supervision."

Harsh? Maybe. But I think the OP would feel a lot better about his situation if he drew a clear line for his cheating wife.

Oh, and like I said before - I’ve been depressed - Cheating ain’t a part of that. Cheating comes from another place completely.

 

[OraLabora]

This sounds like a co-dependency problem. She is stuck in her circle of sin-beg forgiveness-sin and he seems to have difficulty coming to grips with the fact that she’s not breaking her cycle, and he gets caught in his own cycle of wanting her out then remorse when she promises to amend herself. I’m no expert myself, but I do think they need expert help. If she isn’t willing to make a fair go of it, he needs to man up, get help, and break his role in the cycle and say “enough”, and kick her out. Otherwise it’s a death spiral.

He needs to do it to preserve his sanity and break the cycle, and for her this may just be the shock that brings her back to reality. He deserves better than this, but it takes courage. I can’t imagine that this situation is good for his self-esteem, and that makes it even harder to break the circus. If he keeps up it will just plunge him deeper into darkness. Neither seem to be able to live without each other, yet they are both putting themselves into a situation that living with each other is a living hell. And the cherry on the very rotten cake, neither of them have any grounds for trust and respect. He can’t trust her to break her dalliance with her paramour and even if she does, will have little trust in her for a very long time, and she probably has lost all respect for him for allowing himself to be cuckolded. Repeatedly. Particularly because he doesn’t take serious steps to put a stop to it. She’s just manipulating him, and in a way he too. It takes two to tango. She’s a user, and he’s an enabler.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is, I think, beyond a confessional problem and requires solid professional help.

 

[ValPal]

I will tell the children that you have been having an affair. Unfortunately, this will change your relationship with them. You chose this when you continued the affair.

While you generally give good advice and I respect your posts, this is a no-no. Do not bring the children into the situation, and tell them no such thing until they are old enough to handle it. I’ve seen way to many parents screw up their children with this type of thing. This is vengeful, not helpful.

 

[Kelfa28]

Unreal. You must be an absolute saint! I will pray for you and your family. All I can say is you show an unbelievable compassion and grace under pressure. If it was me I’d be heading to his place too, but I would not be saying a rosary…good on you sir

My husband read this…and as devote a Catholic as he is, he said he would go there and NOT be carrying a rosary.

If it were me…I’d be praying too…while working my way through Redfin or Zillow and finding a way out of there pronto…regardless of whether the wife comes with me or not.

I cannot picture myself accepting an affair my husband could be involved in. He would have no second chance with me…physically. He would be out of the house quicker then he could say “it won’t happen again…”

I’d send the kids to my parents, pack his stuff up in bags and put them on the lawn. He can figure out where his loyalties lie and I’d be more then happy to do counseling with priests, therapists, whomever it takes. But not with him in the house. I will not and my kids will not be disrespected this way…period.

He can learn what it’s like to lose his family. Also, if he wants back…drastic changes need to be made…including moving away from the problem.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

While you generally give good advice and I respect your posts, this is a no-no. Do not bring the children into the situation, and tell them no such thing until they are old enough to handle it. I’ve seen way to many parents screw up their children with this type of thing. This is vengeful, not helpful.

Well, I’d have to talk to my priest first, and maybe a therapist. It would depend on how old the children are, really. I wouldn’t do it out of vengeance, though, but letting the kids know what’s really happening. They’d likely find out anyway, and I would rather it came from me than from someone else.

 

[Adamski]

My childhood friends father gave his ex 20 years of chances until his 14 year old son caught his mom in the act and ran away from home for three months living in the woods

 

[hurting]

Wrong.

Try typing this all over again but substitute ‘man’, ‘father’ & ‘husband’ for ‘woman’, ‘wife’ & ‘mother’. See? Doesn’t really jive does it? Wrong is wrong. Sin is sin. Marriage is marriage. There are no excuses for cheating. None. Crash landed on a desert island with a member of the opposite sex? Too bad! No excuse for it. We’re all sleep deprived. We’re all tired. We all want relaxation, freedom, a little youth, etc…Doesn’t give anyone the excuse or right to rob THE REST OF THE FAMILY of sleep, peace, freedom, the family name, serenity, security, etc…

Exactly. I just about came out of my chair when I read the read the post to which Armor refers above. No more double standards for behavior.

 

[hurting]

Yup.

And the OP is still in a very strange surreal place right now. So lending any sort of credence to her behavior is not helping. He already is facing an uphill battle, compounded by the fact that she is:

-Unrepentant
-virtually alone…only a mile away from her ‘friend’ most of the day while OP is at work an hour away.
-Unrepentant
-Unrepentant

Like I said (or was trying to point out anyway)
You are a woman and if OP was a woman whose husband was cheating so blatantly I doubt you’d offer the same advice. I see this double standard a lot and I’m going to question it every time.

I’m all for her getting proper medical help though…
Unfortuneately the people who need it the most want it the least.

Me, too.

 

[hurting]

While you generally give good advice and I respect your posts, this is a no-no. Do not bring the children into the situation, and tell them no such thing until they are old enough to handle it. I’ve seen way to many parents screw up their children with this type of thing. This is vengeful, not helpful.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not calling out people for their bad acting just perpetuates the problem. Odds are they are going to find out anyway.

If this unfortunate tale comes to the separation and/or divorce the kids need to know who it was who put the torch to their lives. They do not need to know the sordid details, nor does it need to be discussed endlessly, but they will be better off in the long run for knowing the real deal.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

While you generally give good advice and I respect your posts, this is a no-no. Do not bring the children into the situation, and tell them no such thing until they are old enough to handle it. I’ve seen way to many parents screw up their children with this type of thing. This is vengeful, not helpful.

Of course!!!

There is something called “parental alienation” and if they do become divorced, could be held against the OP.

As I stated in the other post, before taking any action,the OP should discuss them with a family law attorney. Some actions might not even be legal in his state.

As he mentioned in the other thread, he believes that the affair is an emotional one and not a physical affair…although many said that it was the same thing, if she hasn’t had sexual contact with the man, it might not legally be considered “adultery”

Again, speak with a priest then lawyer.

 

[DAML72]

Nobody can tell you what to do. It is a very personal decision, which is greatly complicated by the fact that you have children. I feel for you, and am praying for you.

That said, I echo the suggestion of www.survivinginfidelity.com (as I mentioned in a pm).

Also, if you think there might be a personality disorder involved, this site has been extremely helpful to me:

phoenixrisingebooks.com/

There are a lot of other sites that are helpful for dealing with personality disorders. There seem to be a lot more now then just a few years ago. Here are some suggestions:

outofthefog.net/
bpdcentral.com/
www.bpdfamily.com
mytriptoozandback.com/entireletter.html

The best advice I can give you is to pray, pray, pray and pray some more. Pray for guidance, and He will answer.

 

[The_Bucket]

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not calling out people for their bad acting just perpetuates the problem. Odds are they are going to find out anyway.

If this unfortunate tale comes to the separation and/or divorce the kids need to know who it was who put the torch to their lives. They do not need to know the sordid details, nor does it need to be discussed endlessly, but they will be better off in the long run for knowing the real deal.

I concur. I knew about my father’s pornography addiction for years but kept it to myself. The rest of the family didn’t know (except my mother) but all sensed the massive amounts of anxiety and tension in the house. Left five of the six of us kids as emotional wrecks.

Now in my late 20s I find out that it wasn’t just porn, but that he had multiple affairs and that’s why we moved several times. Oh yes, this is totally something that I can deal with NOW. I was just told that my entire childhood was a lie and that my parents manipulated reality to try and hide this and perpetuate the idea that we were growing up a moral and upstanding household. Had they in any way addressed the situation at the time, I think we’d all be a lot less of emotional wrecks. Plus my dad would have been kicked out of the house which would have been great for my mother.

Instead, I get to go back there for Christmas and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to adjust. None. Keep in mind that I got into my own porn addiction because I stumbled onto my father’s stuff and he helped keep it a secret for awhile in my teenage years so that I didn’t out HIM to everyone. It’s all very, very screwed up and since I’m the one in actual recovery, I’ve got to be the adult. For everyone. Not just for my own children, but for my brothers and sisters and my own parents. Yay!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not calling out people for their bad acting just perpetuates the problem. Odds are they are going to find out anyway.

If this unfortunate tale comes to the separation and/or divorce the kids need to know who it was who put the torch to their lives. They do not need to know the sordid details, nor does it need to be discussed endlessly, but they will be better off in the long run for knowing the real deal.

Exactly. If the mom still has partial custody, she could lie to the children and imply that it was their father who was responsible. I still maintain that choices have consequences, especially when it comes to infidelity. People should understand that they can’t eat their cake and have it - if you betray your family, they are going to make their own righteous choices about how much contact they want to have with you. For younger children, perhaps just the statement, “Mommy has made a bad choice and this means that she won’t be living here for a while.” I mean, I have never gone through it and there is no great way to save the children from the heartache, but they need to know that at least one of their parents will tell the truth.

The above does NOT apply if the OP is going to take his wife back over and over again. The children would then be in a position of trying to forgive her betrayal and it’s very difficult for a child to understand all of the factors involved. If the OP plans to give his wife one more chance, then all I would say for now is that Mommy needs to live away from us for a little while, and that Mommy and Daddy are working out some problems.

Counseling with a priest and a therapist who deals with children in a divorce would be advisable. And a whole lot of prayer.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Not calling out people for their bad acting just perpetuates the problem. Odds are they are going to find out anyway. If this unfortunate tale comes to the separation and/or divorce the kids need to know who it was who put the torch to their lives. They do not need to know the sordid details, nor does it need to be discussed endlessly, but they will be better off in the long run for knowing the real deal.

This is really tricky. Really really tricky.

The kids are going to want to know, for sure.
I think they need to know as well, but I’m no expert.

The problem is this:
The sad reality is that they are going to be told either explicitly or implicity who it was that put the torch to their lives. They (depending on their ages) are going to remember and be influenced more heavily by THE FIRST response to this burning question, so that response whether ethically right or not, had better be factually correct. Like I said before…you are not going to score any extra points for being the nice guy in this. The ‘parental alienation’ rule is great, but only if both parents, both sets of grandparents, each and every member of both sides of the extended family, all friends, teachers, parishoners, cashiers at the gas station, etc… play by the rules. They don’t. Especially the more dysfunctional ones.

It is extremely difficult to *****-foot around this with your own kids. They ask questions and like it or not…someone is MORE to blame.

Like you said though…they do not need to know sordid details, lest we fall into the sin of detraction. But I still think they need to know the truth about the primary torch bearer.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Please consult a professional in determining how to proceed further.