I am humbly asking for prayers for myself. I have come to a crossroads in life and I am frightened for the future.
I recently attended my 25th high school reunion. It was a great time, meeting all the guys and catching up, everyone was really friendly and kind to me, especially considering I had had a tough life since then and there are some of them who could afford to be really mean.
But even so, I feel like I presented myself at the pinnacle of achievement. I’m employed, I have a stable home and close family, my mental health is well controlled. But I stand at a precipice now.
My home was recently re-infested with bed bugs. The exterminator came and thankfully there was no additional charge (I’m paying $36/mo as “insurance” since the last time I had them) but I still have fresh bites on my legs so I worry that he didn’t catch them all and I’ll be forced to undergo a full, invasive treatment session.
My performance review at work came back awful. Then my boss went on vacation. I met with her boss (who is also my pastor) and he seemed absolutely convinced he’d fire me. Then I had to leave town and fly out on my vacation. I return to work tomorrow and I’m going to have to talk to my boss and tell her something. I don’t know what to tell her though.
My mood has been deteriorating since January or earlier. I suffer from bipolar disorder which was well-controlled with 2mg daily of one medication. But lately I have been more depressed than anything, just surviving the day, barely waking up in the morning, not enjoying anything much. They noticed at work, and coupled with my laziness it really impacted my performance. Even if I work myself to the bone I cannot promise them I will smile more or joyfully discharge my duties because I am too abjectly depressed to do anything.
I hadn’t seen a doctor since April and over Easter I had one dilly of a manic episode. I figured I could hold on until June, but then my appointment was cancelled, then my doctor (trusted, wonderful doctor of over six years) was gone from the clinic. Then my appointment last Friday was cancelled with no notice to me. Well I hit the panic button in the clinic and pleaded my case until it was escalated and I got seen. So a good talk with the prescriber landed me increased doses of meds and Ambien so I could sleep. I was mollified for a day.
Then Saturday came and I struggled to stay awake, having already increased my dosages in anticipation of the new prescriptions. I became filled with dread, because I simply cannot afford to struggle like this during a work day. Then I went to Mass, and headed to the pharmacy. The pharmacy bluntly informed me that my insurance was expired. I once more sank into abject fear and despair. But I knew exactly what had happened, because I ignored a notice from the agency which I thought was bogus, because in my state there are 3-4 agencies administering Medicaid and the letter was from one that was not administering mine, but sure enough, they managed to cancel it anyway. Of course my meds are too expensive for me to afford out of pocket, so I said auf wiedersehn to the pharmacy until I could sort it out.
So yesterday I began the arduous process of re-applying for medical insurance (this medical lapse would not have affected my mental health care except they recently unified services in my state, so I can receive no type of health care until this is resolved.)
I talked to my parents and there are a few things they can do to help. They won’t let me starve or be kicked out on the streets again. They are my safety net and I pray for their continued health.
There may be nothing I can do to prevent being fired. And that will guarantee my unemployability. It has been ten years since I worked last, and if I can’t even hold a job as a part-time receptionist, what good am I?
I live in a dump. I applied to a new apartment complex but it is doubtful they could accommodate me, so I haven’t got my hopes up.
It will be a long bumpy ride for me for a while now. Please pray that this won’t absolutely destroy me. I can only hope to mitigate the damage done.
