S
Samwise21
Guest
So about two years ago I went through a period of depression. I had gotten my head caught up in all the conspiracy stories about Our Lady of Fatima, leading to a terrible fear of annihiliation that I bottled up inside until one day I think I was about to get in the shower and suddenly I started to sob. I begged God to give me strength, and multiple times sought different priests and different parishes trying to escape from this inner turmoil.
And then with that came fear of the unforgivable sin. Thinking that in those months I had at points fallen into despair over the stories of Vatican deception and all that. Again, I consulted priests over it, but it took a while for it to desolve. Every now and then I start thinking about it, and one day this image flashed through my head as I thought about the Immaculate Conception, a very graphic and vulgar image involving the Virgin Mary and the Holy Ghost. Those fears came back again. The thought that in a single moment, I might have made it possible for me to never reach Heaven. This feeling like as hard as I reached out for God something alien to me continued to thrash against me and draw me away. The image still flashes every now and then when I remember this. But I know now that blasphemy against the Holy Ghost isn’t something as simple as a thought or a mental image.
I had to go through it alone on the inside. One day at a time. And yet almost every day still feels like a struggle. Not just against depression, but a struggle against temptation, sin, doubt. I never want to find myself in a position like that again, a pure sickness of the soul. And so every night, I pray to the God I so desperately want to have complete faith in and in return to hear me for the same things.
For peace of mind, for peace of spirit. For strength of faith, of will, of hope.
For anyone who has ever felt something similar or has gone through depression, and needs that spiritual pick me up that I so desperately needed, I ask that that you pray for them.
And then with that came fear of the unforgivable sin. Thinking that in those months I had at points fallen into despair over the stories of Vatican deception and all that. Again, I consulted priests over it, but it took a while for it to desolve. Every now and then I start thinking about it, and one day this image flashed through my head as I thought about the Immaculate Conception, a very graphic and vulgar image involving the Virgin Mary and the Holy Ghost. Those fears came back again. The thought that in a single moment, I might have made it possible for me to never reach Heaven. This feeling like as hard as I reached out for God something alien to me continued to thrash against me and draw me away. The image still flashes every now and then when I remember this. But I know now that blasphemy against the Holy Ghost isn’t something as simple as a thought or a mental image.
I had to go through it alone on the inside. One day at a time. And yet almost every day still feels like a struggle. Not just against depression, but a struggle against temptation, sin, doubt. I never want to find myself in a position like that again, a pure sickness of the soul. And so every night, I pray to the God I so desperately want to have complete faith in and in return to hear me for the same things.
For peace of mind, for peace of spirit. For strength of faith, of will, of hope.
For anyone who has ever felt something similar or has gone through depression, and needs that spiritual pick me up that I so desperately needed, I ask that that you pray for them.

