For those encontering childless couples and small families

[Pug]

I detest the adoption question. It is never someone asking who knows me well enough so that I’d feel remotely comfortable giving them a detailed answer. People who know me do not ask the question.

Sometimes I end up wondering if when people look at me they figure that I never had kids on account of contraception.

 

[wisdom_3_5]

How about AFTER you’ve adopted several children, and someone says that they know LOTS of people who had their “own” children after adopting. I’ve heard that common a million times, and it doesn’t get any easier to hear. Blech!

Do you ever get the comment, “You’re doing a good thing, saving the world from over-population!”? We got that one several times.

 

[Guitar]

Sometimes I end up wondering if when people look at me they figure that I never had kids on account of contraception.

Yeah … when you’re a female in a professional occupation, especially a non-traditional one, and you don’t have children, EVERYONE assumes (even though they know you’ve been to Mass at least once a weekend for the 23 years they’ve known you) that it’s because you are on the pill and don’t want children so you can get on with your career.

In my case, they have less of a clue than usual … as mentioned on another thread I struggled with the idea of marriage because I knew children were a part of it and was never the earth mother type and had to deal with all that in deciding to marry, and spent quite some time settling down to the idea of having children only to find out after at least fifteen years of “hanging around” waiting that it wasn’t going to happen anyway.

I would never speak aggressively to someone who raised this with me but I have no hesitation in pointing out politely but firmly that anyone who thinks they know why I am childless is making an assumption because I have never informed anyone of the reason(s) and I am the only one that actually knows them …

 

[lizaanne]

**How about being shown a “baby’s first christmas” outfit that is a gift to you from a grandmother in law that just passed. That was one of her last shopping trips right before she died, was buying us that outfit. **

**Carry the weight of that around for a while! **

**I know she meant well, and didn’t know we were suffering infertility problems. But…Great…we have a baby outfit…minus the baby…woo hoo. **

Yep - been there - my mom bought me a gorgeous infant baptismal gown from an antique shop. It’s still wrapped in tissue in the same box she gave it to me, oh, about 15 years ago. I doubt it will be coming out of the box anytime soon. And frankly, if the time does come, I think I’ll find my own baptismal gown for our child - thank you very much.

~Liza

 

[Pug]

Yeah … when you’re a female in a professional occupation, especially a non-traditional one, and you don’t have children, EVERYONE assumes (even though they know you’ve been to Mass at least once a weekend for the 23 years they’ve known you) that it’s because you are on the pill and don’t want children so you can get on with your career.

Ah. I hadn’t considered how profession was influencing this type of interaction. Like you, I am not aggressive when responding to questions about adoption.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

I wonder how people would respond if your answer to their prying questions was to start to cry.

 

[mercygate]

I feel like I should bring this up because I encounter it a lot having an only child. The comment “Have you thought about adoption?” or “You could always adopt.”

I truly understand people are well meaning by this but after about the 100th time it grates on the nerves. When a comment like this is made I feel I then have to go into a long explanation of why adoption would not be right for us. (Serious health problems, financial issues etc.) I think just as people with large families get annoyed about unsolicited advice about their family size and find it inappropriate, couples with no or few children are just as vulnerable.

Really, it’s not like people have never heard of adoption or that a comment from a stranger or aquaintance or even a family member would suddenly make a person go “Oh, yeah I never would have thought of that.” I realize people are often just making conversation or have this need to try to be helpful in someway or just don’t know what to say. It’s just tiring and sometimes I don’t feel like sharing my personal business but I also don’t want to come across as anti-adoption or anti-child.

I am an adopted child and I think adoption is great. I just think adoption is a personal decision and those with no children or have small families and can not naturally have more should not have to constantly explain why they may not chose to adopt.

Just a friendly reminder.

When we were 10 years into marriage with no children (and living like Catholics!), and people made cracks about our childlessness, I used to look people SQUARE in the eye, pause for about 3 full seconds, and say something like: “What an astonishing question.”

Nobody’s business. I think, today, if they asked if we had considered adoption, I might reply: “Why, what a helpful suggestion. Thank you very much.”

I would TRY not to say it in a tone that would wither them to the ground. I would TRY to sound like I MEANT it. If they went away thinking they were helpful, then great. If they went away realizing their own incredible impertinence, even better.

Isn’t this like telling a fat person they could join Weight Watchers? As if they didn’t already know!

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Yeah, it does get old. And then you get the endless “WHY” questions.

Like it’s anybody’s business but yours???

 

[SeekerJen]

I wonder how people would respond if your answer to their prying questions was to start to cry.

I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

As for the assumed contraception: try being a grad student. Absolutely everyone who isn’t close to me (meaning my husband, parents, in-laws, and closest friends) just assumes that we are contracepting because I’m selfish and want to be a PhD. (Never mind that a large part of the reason that I didn’t go back sooner was because I assumed we’d have kids and I wouldn’t go back at all.) Sometimes my scrupulosity takes over and I worry about causing scandal, but since we’re doing nothing wrong, any sin falls upon the shoulders of the ones who are wrongly assuming the worst. It’s not my problem.

 

[lizaanne]

…but since we’re doing nothing wrong, any sin falls upon the shoulders of the ones who are wrongly assuming the worst. It’s not my problem.

You are absolutely right in feeling this way!! It’s not as if you can walk around with a shirt on that reads “I have sex the way God intended!”

Well, you could, but that might be a bit much.

~Liza

 

[catholic79]

I HATE all of these questions, my DH and I have been married for 6 years and when he was in school no one ever asked these questions but now EVERYONE asks. It has been a long 3 years and yes, I know about adoption 2 of my 5 lovely siblings were adopted and I love them all. However seeing some things my parents went through make me nervous to adopt - long story - not good, I don’t know if I am strong enough to live through my parents heart ache. I hate comments like “So do guys not have kids because “hubby” doesn’t like/want them.” Right that’s it! or “so are you “good” Catholics” @#$#@!! and pretty much anyone who ask “when are you going to have kids” or tells me I am getting older. So people just don’t get the hints I give in my answers and I will not give fertility updates to strangers.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Yep - been there - my mom bought me a gorgeous infant baptismal gown from an antique shop. It’s still wrapped in tissue in the same box she gave it to me, oh, about 15 years ago. I doubt it will be coming out of the box anytime soon. And frankly, if the time does come, I think I’ll find my own baptismal gown for our child - thank you very much.

~Liza

** :console: :hug1: **

 

[Convert_in_99]

“so are you “good” Catholics”

This very statement is a great part of my problem right now!

So many Catholics, endless catholics, don’t think I’m good enough, or am catholic enough for them cause I “failed” in my marriage by not having kids.

It’s like our marriage is thus desacramentalized and not even valid in their eyes.

**I think that the catholic pro-life movement has done some awesome things. They praise couples who have large families. They praise couples who get off the pill and start the beauty of NFP. They praise unwed mothers for choosing life instead of abortion. PRAISE GOD for all these things. **

---

BUT, when was the last time they praised an infertile couple for not choosing IVF, or IUI? When was the last time they acknowledged we are doing a good thing for God by living out our married vocation childless, as God has willed it for us. No, we get “aww, so are you going to the Pope Paul center?” and "Have you started the adoption process?"

We are promoting the gospel of life too! We are important and special too! Marriage is the sacrament, children stem from that. Not vice a versa. So come on. Marriage is important with or without the children. So long as you are not using contraception then your married love is just as fruitful.



In honor of talk like a pirate day "ARRRRRGH Maties!"

Has anyone else felt this way?

 

[catholic79]

This very statement is a great part of my problem right now!

So many Catholics, endless catholics, don’t think I’m good enough, or am catholic enough for them cause I “failed” in my marriage by not having kids.

Ever have anyone ask you if you are sure you have valid reasons to postpone children! Thanks for assuming the worst!

It’s like our marriage is thus desacramentalized and not even valid in their eyes.

here’s to our invalid marriages

**I think that the catholic pro-life movement has done some awesome things. They praise couples who have large families. They praise couples who get off the pill and start the beauty of NFP. They praise unwed mothers for choosing life instead of abortion. PRAISE GOD for all these things. **

---

BUT, when was the last time they praised an infertile couple for not choosing IVF, or IUI? When was the last time they acknowledged we are doing a good thing for God by living out our married vocation childless, as God has willed it for us. No, we get “aww, so are you going to the Pope Paul center?” and "Have you started the adoption process?"

Or Catholics who ask you if you are going to try IVF

We are promoting the gospel of life too! We are important and special too! Marriage is the sacrament, children stem from that. Not vice a versa. So come on. Marriage is important with or without the children. So long as you are not using contraception then your married love is just as fruitful.

I want to remind people that the church doesn’t require any form of infertility treatment or adoption

In honor of talk like a pirate day "ARRRRRGH Maties!"

Has anyone else felt this way?

Yes!

 

[RWMorris]

Here’s a big hug for all of you who are unable to have children or adopt children for a variety of reasons. I don’t really understand what you are going through, I can only imagine. I just don’t understand why people feel compelled to make comments on anyone’s family size, even other family members.
I doubt if we would have adopted, simply because of the enormous costs and hoops you have to jump through. I have friends who adopted and it is massively expensive.
Give yourselves a hug from me for living a good Catholic life as God intended you to live, and know that many of us out there hold you in our prayers.

 

[RenaissanceMare]

I am not married yet, but I just wanted to vent slightly about my Grandmother who askes me at least one every three months when I am going to give her great-grandchildren. She already has great-children from my cousins, and since they were all out of wedlock I guess she can’t understand someone not getting pregnant before marriage.

 

[KCtheMommy]

I’m not going to say much beyond the scope of the fact that people can’t keep their ever-running mouth’s shut. Is this the new “polite conversation” of our times? Constant, rhetorical, none-of-anyone’s-business questions directly intended to put the question-nee on the spot and reveal more than they should ever have to? ABOUT our sex-lives and our ability to stop having, or try to keep having children?

I find the whole: “MY your hands are full.” “What, you don’t know how those babies get there?” “Don’t you have a TV?” really annoying. I have been living them since the second child — and never considered how much more obnoxious those WITHOUT children – or only one – might go through. Especially amongst our own numbers as Catholics.

A good friend who has two boys couldn’t help but relay her fascination and a bit of hurt that most people in her inner-circle, not to mention COMPLETE STRANGERS would ask her if they are currently trying for a girl. While the youngest wasn’t even two months old. “Uhm no, we’re done now.” Yet people would press her: “C’MON you gotta try again!” WHY??? And how is it YOUR business anyway?

I have a slew of funny answers for us with more than one and the comments that go along with that:

*Don’t you have cable/TV/DVD? *

Well yes, how do you think we keep the other kid’s busy while we are making more?

Don’t you know how babies are made?

Sure I do! Want the details about the conception? Let’s just say it involved my washer’s spin cycle… (not so intriguing in a grocery store.) Hey, that’s what they get for asking such a brutally obnoxious question!

BOY! Your hand’s are FULL!

“Yes they are – but you should see my HEART.”
Funny how quickly that stops people. They expect you to gripe. When you don’t, and show how happy you are – well that ends that. I stole that comment from a mom of five, but I just love it!

BUT as people who are not having children – I can’t even IMAGINE how obnoxious the questions are. I can see in myself wanting to question people “Why haven’t you had children?” but I do have enough couth not to. I don’t think most people can help it though. More so than the people who ask about our cable TV.

I guess it comes down to people’s views on life, marriage and parenting. Specifically how they THINK it should be. Yet when they open thier mouths, most times they don’t even know how, in their lives, it SHOULD be. They just happen to have the b*lls to question you on their own, un-clear, pretexes.

Sorry about that.

Trust me – even with my full hands and full heart and all the cable TV I could ever want to watch: I STILL wonder about how it would be if my house stayed clean and I could read when I felt like it, watch whatever I wanted to, and go hang-out whenever I felt like it. I feel you are lucky and free in a way only parents could resent!

 

[waitngnjyflhope]

Thanks for the posts I enjoyed reading up on some of the responses. There are times when I want to just burst into tears and walk away…just to make them feel bad.

Most of the time, I say that we are praying and hoping for a child and ask them for their prayers for us.

If they try to take the conversation further, I just end it right there. In the most polite terms as possible, but firmly.

sigh

It’s hard sometimes to still be charitable when they clearly are judging you. I definitely understand the not wanting to lead others into thinking scandal, but again, truly, that is there fault for even thinking that.

 

[Nechasin]

People don’t know when to shut up whether it is about having too many kids or not enough kids. I think it is a product of our times that is not a good thing. People should have more discretion on both sides of the coin. I for one, won’t question anyone that I don’t know well what they position on kids is. And if I do know them well, then it is only when they broach the subject first. I have a few friends and family that have fertility issues and I really feel for them and pray for them.

Now I do have issues with my 5-yo asking people why they don’t have kids yet because we have (I hope) planted the idea that no kids until marriage.

I will say a prayer that people will learn keep a leash on their mouths so that they can think before they blurt out unkind and hurtful comments.

 

[TC2]

Married 9 years, and we get this too.
We started trying to conceive a/b 4 years ago, and found out a/b our mutual inf another 6 to 8 months in. So we’ve been dealing with and working through that.
We got the ‘you can just adopt’ line too, way too many times. Like, twinkle your fingers and it’ll happen, poof, a baby, just for you!
Please. Now, the ?? is so old and tiresome, when someone asks, I turn the ? on them. “Got a/b $30,000?” Shuts’em right up.
Then there are the ‘you don’t need children anyway’ folks, of whom DH’s dad is one. ‘you can travel and do whatever you want’ is familiar as well, also from him. Please don’t tell us what we need/want, we know better than you.

And let’s not forget, when I did mention to a questioner, a high school friend, that we were undergoing treatment, she, right in the middle of walmart, at the checkout line, on a SATURDAY, said, in a lovely loud voice “So are you gonna get impregnated???”

You know, you might want to YELL IT a little louder, I don’t think the folks in shipping/receiving heard you! Urg. Grrrrr.

No one needs to be thinking of me being impregnated but me and DH. Honestly.

The best thing to do, for those curious (nosey) folks, is just don’t ask, it’s really nunya. But if you do, and they give some vague answer, don’t pressure them, hound them, give them unneeded advice. Just offer them support, and prayers. That’s the best and kindest thing you can do.