Forgiveness according to the Church

[mizzoufan1990]

Hey all,

Does the church have an exact definition of when we have forgiven someone? Is it possible to forgive someone but not want them around anymore (for fear they might hurt you again)? Is it wrong generally speaking to not want to forgive someone because they haven’t paid for their actions in any tangible way?

Also how long of a time do we have to forgive according to the church before we are acting improperly?

Thanks in advance for the help

 

[ffg]

Some of your answer would be found in the *Our Father *-

‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.’

In other words, if we’re holding grudges, that’s what we are asking for from God against us.

Another part of your answer can be found in Luke 6: 34-36

usccb.org/bible/luke/6

34 If you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit [is] that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, and get back the same amount.v

35 But rather, love your enemies and do good to them, and lend expecting nothing back; then your reward will be great and you will be children of the Most High, for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.w

36 Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful.

'Be merciful, just as [also] your Father is merciful. ’

I must say this is a bit of a head-scratcher for a question. Do you have some context to share as to why you are concerned with forgiveness?

It certainly isn’t easy, but done well, it brings immense peace vs. the drain on a life that is full of grudges.

 

[mizzoufan1990]

I suppose some context is necessary. My bad on that part. Basically my fiancée and I are getting married in about a month. A member of my family who would traditionally have a semi-large part in the wedding has been absolutely horrible to both of us over the past year and a half. She’s never treated my fiancée well, and has done lots of terrible things regarding her family.

My fiancée and I have basically cut her out of our life because she is so destructive and hateful. Since wedding invitations have been getting sent out she is embarrassed that she hasn’t received one yet. She claims to have reformed, but still has done several things that indicate she’s still manipulative and somewhat destructive. I said I would be open to allowing this person to come to the wedding as an observer (but nothing else) if they would apologize to my fiancée. She called my fiancée at one point and tried to apologize via voicemail (she admitted she knew my fiancé would be at work). I said that wasn’t a proper apology and she actually needed to talk to my fiancée. She has yet to reach out again.

I want to allow her back in, but I still think she’s destructive and wanting to hurt. at this point I think I’d be being a bad husband and not protecting my wife if I allowed her to have any kind of role in our wedding. And I’d rather defend the decision of not inviting her than the decision. of allowing her to possibly do something hurtful towards my wife. At the same time I feel like I’m not being forgiving enough. So I guess I want to know if forgiveness has to mean letting the other person back in fully, or just not wishing them any ill will. That’s a lot of context, but hopefully it helps. I’m just trying to balance protecting my wife with forgiveness. The Church obviously values both.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

We should forgive those who sin against us, but that does not mean that we have to invite hostile/dangerous people into our private lives or to our wedding. That should be fairly obvious. If not, talk to your pastor or counselor about setting appropriate limits.

 

[ffg]

Ah, the family drama.

We don’t have to like someone, nor be near them.

Forgiveness doesn’t have to be ‘like’.

Love is not ‘like’.

There is a story about Mother Teresa saying to the person next to her when someone that irked her was coming near, she said - ‘here comes Jesus in that hideous costume’.

She recognized Jesus in the person, but didn’t have much desire to be around the person.

Being that a wedding is 1 day, consider both angles - 1 day for you guys to punt on having this person around, someone you won’t really want to be around anyway every day after.

Or 1 day of having the person in the Church, at the reception, of which you two won’t be paying much attention because you’ll have the closest people to you chatting with you and a DJ telling you where to be, stand, sit, eat.

Once it’s ‘show-time’ try to leave the drama behind and have fun with the day, but remember it’s a lifetime ahead.

If the invites are out, I’d be like ‘it’s done’.

Honestly, if she wanted to show, they don’t lock the doors. We had a wedding crasher or two, but they were folks that didn’t go through what you mentioned, just folks we thought we were not all that close to, but they showed up anyway, wasn’t a bother, we were in our own world at that point.

 

[Catholic1954]

Maybe you three can set up a meeting and try to clear the air and settle your issues before the wedding? Forgiveness cannot be forced, but it might be helpful to sit down and listen to the other guy; find out what is really going on and try to move on from there. You certainly have every right to include or exclude whomever you wish from the wedding party, but an invitation might be in order, to give her a chance, if your fiancé is okay with that and the other party understands that she might be asked to leave if there is any kind of scene. It is unfortunate to start your marriage estranged from a close family member, but you are under no obligation to make yourselves targets for toxic behavior.

 

[dshix]

My opinion on this is that you should absolutely not feel obligated to allow this family member back in.

You can do so out of charity, but you are not obligated to, and I don’t believe it would be a sin to continue blocking her from attending the wedding. “Forgiveness” is not the same as giving someone license to continue hurting you. If you have forgiven someone in your heart, not bearing specific hatred against them, that doesn’t mean you have to leave yourself open for attack.

You will have to make this prudential judgement based on your evaluation of how well you will be able to sustain possible future damage from this individual. If you can arrange things such as will make it impossible for her to do harm, great. If not… I’d be inclined to leave her out.

In the case that you decide you’d like to give her a chance:
I would advise that you give her one message, clearly stating your requirements for her being included. Here’s a few thoughts of requirements you could possibly lay out:

She needs to reach out and arrange a personal meeting with both you and your fiancé. You are not the one whose responsibility it will be to make this happen, it is her responsibility.
She has to apologize for past misbehavior. I would advise you also require her to write down that apology, specifically listing the occasions of harm done in the past, and signing it. You keep a copy.
She has to promise not to do similar harm in the future. Do this in writing as well.

Once you have laid out these requirements, sit back and do nothing; it is her turn. If she acts on it and tries to connect with you, great.