Forgiveness and Bad Feelings

[ktp]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

I’m going through this with my brother. He attacked me verbally a year ago and said some pretty nasty things to me. In fact, he did this with everyone in my family. He even disowned my parents, my brothers and myself.

I forgave him, but yes, the pain was still there, and it only exacerbated it, when didn’t show up for my son’s wedding.

Suddenly, he shows up at my mother’s house while I’m there, and behaves towards me like nothing ever happened. Everything is fine and dandy!

OK, so I forgave and I understand his inability to aplogize. So I decide to talk to him in a non-judgmental way, about what happened. VAVOOM, he blows up at me, denies everything he said and walks out of the house.

I’ve come to realize, that this is his poverty. He lacks the emotional capacity and character development, to accept other people for who they are. In his world, everyone is wrong, except himself.

So, I go on forgiving and praying for him, especially for his conversion, which he needs so badly. I’ll help him if I can, but that’s about all I can do.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Jim

 

[Della]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

Some people do receive an instant cessation of all bad feelings when they forgive another. But, this is a consolation God sometimes gives, not something that is automatic. Most often God expects us to work through our feelings–probably because it will do us the most good in molding us into the image of Christ.

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

The next step is to examine your own heart. Ask yourself why you have your bad feelings. Usually it’s because we expect the other person to warm to us and say they’re sorry, too. That doesn’t always happen. If fact, most people will not recognize they did anything bad, but will defend themselves quite strongly–this is a common defense mechanism common to human beings. This is why it takes faith and God’s love to let go of the bad things others have done to us. We want justice or self vindication, etc. But, God is more interested in our having mercy and loving the other person. He is the one who deals out justice and vindicates, that’s why we leave it to him while praying that he be merciful to those who hurt us in the same way he has been merciful to us.

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

You don’t have to allow bad behavior in your home. And you are not responsible for the accusations and opinions of others. Stick to your guns about any bad behavior others wish to do in your home, but let it go if they can’t understand why or think you are being holier-than-thou. As I cited above, we have to get our own feelings and egos out of the way and let God work in our lives and the lives of others. Forgiving means letting go of our “right” to justice or vindication and allowing God to work on us and others with his mercy and love.

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

I had something happened to me just a few weeks ago. Me and my family were invited to my brother’s house for my nephew’s 2nd birthday. My brother’s sister-in-law (wife’s sister) made a comment about my sister who is mentally handicap. My sister lives with my brother and his wife after my parents died. They are compensated for her living with them. But, there has been talk throughout my brother’s wifes family that my sister should have lived with either me or my other sister. They are very sinister about this and have made remarks about me and my sister behind our backs, but they don’t really understand the whole story. My brother chose to take my sister and really no one else had a choice. Ok, back to my original story. So, while we were there at my brother’s house his sister-in-law pretty much humiliated me (my sister was not there)about how my brother is such a saint for taking care of my sister. She repeated this numerous times, as though I was deaf. Then she continued to say how hard my handicap sister is to take care of (this was because she watched her while my brother and sister went on a cruise). I was asked to watch my sister but my SIL changed her mind at the last minute and asked her own sister. I was fuming inside but never said a word until I left the party. I was going to tell her off and let her know the true reason why my brother took the responsibilty of my sister. He was only interested in the money, but no one on my SIL side knows this, they only know that she was dumped on there sister. So, I was very mad because I was humiliated and wanted to leave. After a day or two and I calmed down I decided not to do anything that I was thinking to do. I have decided not to let my SIL sister get to me and decided to just forgive her. She was drinking and maybe the alcohol was giving her the courage to say these things. But, my feelings are still hurt and I don’t know if I really want to be in her company anymore.

 

[mercygate]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

There is a reason Jesus said we had to forgive “seventy times seven.” It means that every time the bad feelings creep back in, you pray:

“Lord, I forgive XXXX. Bless him with your richest graces. If my forgiveness does not equal yours, please supply what is lacking in my heart and bring me to the perfection of forgiveness through your perfect love.”

 

[mommyof4]

There is a reason Jesus said we had to forgive “seventy times seven.” It means that every time the bad feelings creep back in, you pray:

“Lord, I forgive XXXX. Bless him with your richest graces. If my forgiveness does not equal yours, please supply what is lacking in my heart and bring me to the perfection of forgiveness through your perfect love.”

Beautiful prayer!

 

[Della]

I had something happened to me just a few weeks ago. Me and my family were invited to my brother’s house for my nephew’s 2nd birthday. My brother’s sister-in-law (wife’s sister) made a comment about my sister who is mentally handicap. My sister lives with my brother and his wife after my parents died. They are compensated for her living with them. But, there has been talk throughout my brother’s wifes family that my sister should have lived with either me or my other sister.

I think this is who is really to blame–your brother. Naturally, he and his wife are going to play the martyrs even though they willing and deliberately took in your handicapped sister. Your sil’s sister is only getting one side of the story, and even if you tried to explain the real situation to her, she’d side with her sister against you. So, I think you did, and are doing, the right thing to let it go. You’re never going to be able to get your sil’s family to side against her and your brother, not when they have the deep-seated impression that your brother and his wife are “saints.” On judgment day God will sort it all out, which is why you must pray for mercy for those who are truly responsible for your misery–your brother and his wife.

 

[cecilia97]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

I’m struggling with these same things right now. I’m newly divorced and my husband is still trying to get my goat every week, and I feel the divorce was his doing. I’m praying for him, trying not to retaliate…but the bad feelings are still here. Here’s what I’ve heard and learned. I’m still working on it!

• you’ll end up “forgiving” the hurt many many times. Since we’re not perfect, expect to say “I’ve forgiving X” and then have to say it again in the future.
• only God can help us forgive, so we can try our hardest but we still need his help. i.e…it’s not in our power anyway so ask His help.
• the bad feelings aren’t going to go away all of a sudden, as soon as you utter the words “I forgive”. It’s something you work at over a long period of time.
• you don’t have to tell the other party they’ve been forgiven, but it might help. Or it might not.
• not allowing the bad behavior back in your life does NOT mean you haven’t forgiven. You have to protect yourself. If people are telling you otherwise, explain this to them. You can forgive a person but at the same time tell them they’re not welcome back in your life. That’s what I’m trying to do with my ex. Letting him around me to hurt me again is just asking to be ground to an emotional pulp. But I can pray for him, even if I don’t always want to.

Think of this…even God wants us to ask forgiveness in Confession. He freely gives it once we’re there. He is perfect so His forgiveness is perfect…He only has to forgive us once and it’s done! We’re only human so our forgiveness is imperfect.

c

 

[Maureen_Fiore]

I think this is who is really to blame–your brother. Naturally, he and his wife are going to play the martyrs even though they willing and deliberately took in your handicapped sister. Your sil’s sister is only getting one side of the story, and even if you tried to explain the real situation to her, she’d side with her sister against you. So, I think you did, and are doing, the right thing to let it go. You’re never going to be able to get your sil’s family to side against her and your brother, not when they have the deep-seated impression that your brother and his wife are “saints.” On judgment day God will sort it all out, which is why you must pray for mercy for those who are truly responsible for your misery–your brother and his wife.

I know my brother is the culprit of these terrible vicious rumors but there is nothing we can do. I have heard through someone close to me that my SIL family don’t think too much of us (me and my sister) for pushing my handicap sister on my brother. My parents have been gone now for 10 years and this never came out and we have been going to many parties at my brother’s house. My SIL family always was there and yet we never knew how they really thought about us. Now that I know how they feel, because of my SIL sister I don’t know how to go to anymore parties at their house.

 

[InLight247]

The classic advice seems to be that one frees oneself of hurt, anger, and all-around general ugly feelings by forgiving.

I have recently seen (here, I think, before the crash) that forgiving another (refusing to retaliate, praying for the other person, etc) does not necessarily guarantee that the bad feelings will magically disappear.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this true or not?

IF this is true, if one has done what is in their power to forgive (withheld from retaliating, etc-- admitting I am not perfect, and it’s a struggle some days) and the bad feelings are still there, what is the next step? Is there any way to get rid of those bad feelings and come to peace with what occured, or is it a thorn to be tolerated? IF this is true, what is the response when others advise one to forgive in order to get rid of those bad feelings?

What is your best advice when the very people who are pointing fingers and accusing one of holding grudges do things that aggravate those negative feelings and won’t do their part to alleviate any part of the situation?

What is your best advice when one takes the advice that forgiving does NOT require one to allow the bad behavior back into their lives, and is then accused of holding a grudge and not forgiving, because they won’t allow the behavior back into their home?

Thanks.

Yea, I know that feeling, the feeling of being “turned off”.
I recently experienced that. It is not that I did not forgive the person, it is
a relationship set back, and you just feel the distance in between.
I even brought it up in the confessional, twice, to different priests.
Both confessors seemed to say that we cannot help our feelings.
One reminded me to make sure keep the communication open.
And that’s what I have been doing anyway.

But you know what, after discussing this twice in the confession,
the “turned off” feeling started to diminish. Sacrament indeed brings grace.
Even this particular feeling was not considered a sin; God’s grace still sinks in.

 

[Sailboat]

Thanks for the thoughtful thread. It’s hard to forgive. You can see it all in black and white reading some ot the posts here where people are so obvious in their animosities and the rest of us can be more objective observers. People have a hard time backing down when they are wrong I’ve noticed. They instead dig in their heels.

The same with real life. I think our Holy Father showed how to be the bigger person with his response to the infantile response of the Muslims to his comments. I think he is a role model. I’m sure he saw the reaction for what it was worth, but he gave a compassionate response that was neither admitting guilt, nor lacking in compassion. I really love this Pope!

 

[Polish]

I was taught by my pastor that it is better to remain silent when verbally attacked by another as an act of humility.

(Let’s see if I can explain this properly-if not, I apologize beforehand) If someone makes cutting/insulting remarks to me, I accept them without any reaction. If I honestly search my life, I can find numerous times when I myself deserve this type of treatment for my own offenses toward others in other situations, whether intentional or not. So I try to follow Christ’s example of suffering in silence. He was “meek and humble of heart”.

Yet, having said this, forgiveness is not possible without the grace from God. He makes all things possible. How human it is to let our egos rage up with smart retorts, trying to strike back even more viciously. Our God said, pray for those who do wrong to you. Living a Christian Life is surely not easy.

 

[Anne1964]

I grew up in an abusive family and my father died when I was 14. I hated him and was terribly angry at him for ruining my childhood. I left the church shortly after my father died and drifted spiritually for many years.

Earlier this year a voice popped into my head right out of the blue one day and asked me why I had turned away from God so many years ago. Without thinking I answered “Because I’m angry at my father.” I realized that there was so much anger in my heart there wasn’t room for God. In that instant, I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders, and a door opened in my heart and I let God in. It took me several weeks to realize that at that moment I had forgiven my father.

When I think of my father now, I no longer feel any anger at all. I do feel sad, though, about never having the kind of relationship I wanted with him. I also realized that underneath all of that anger I did love him.

I spoke to my priest about this issue and he suggested that I pray for my father every day. I have to admit that was difficult at first but I have been doing it for awhile now and it does help.

 

[InLight247]

I grew up in an abusive family and my father died when I was 14. I hated him and was terribly angry at him for ruining my childhood. I left the church shortly after my father died and drifted spiritually for many years.

Earlier this year a voice popped into my head right out of the blue one day and asked me why I had turned away from God so many years ago. Without thinking I answered “Because I’m angry at my father.” I realized that there was so much anger in my heart there wasn’t room for God. In that instant, I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders, and a door opened in my heart and I let God in. It took me several weeks to realize that at that moment I had forgiven my father.

When I think of my father now, I no longer feel any anger at all. I do feel sad, though, about never having the kind of relationship I wanted with him. I also realized that underneath all of that anger I did love him.

I spoke to my priest about this issue and he suggested that I pray for my father every day. I have to admit that was difficult at first but I have been doing it for awhile now and it does help.

God bless you!

 

[jlcasey]

I read a quote from St Josemaria Escriva’s The Way this morning:

You are hurt by your neighbour’s lack of charity towards you. Think how God must be hurt by your lack of charity – of Love – towards him!

Yes we are hurt by others, and that even though we forgive them as commanded, the temporal effects of sin remain - the consequences of sin (including bad feelings) which affect us all. The most effective response, although not necessarily guaranteed to take away the ‘bad feelings’ is to turn to God and see how it is reflected in our relationship with God. The best we can ever do is just to keep our focus on God in spite of the pain and to love Him the more. This goes back to the commandment to love.

A Priest too has told me the best thing I can do is to bless those who curse me - to counteract the uncharitable act with love and charity. This ensures the best possible healing of the wound and is the best counter to the consequences of the sin of another… hope this all makes sense!