Forgiveness + In-Laws + FB

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carmelitenovice

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Hello:

I need some advice as to how to deal with my in-laws.

Background:
Married for over 20 years. Spouse has three siblings, none of whom are married but one went through a nasty divorce when the kids were small (they are all grown now). They are all rather reserved and have been called clannish (not by me, at least not until I heard someone else say it). As the only in-law, I have had a hard time at family gatherings:They do not talk to me unless I start: “Hey! How are you? How’s the job? etc.”

I was Facebook friends with the one in-law who is also on it, as well as with her three adult children. However, I got very tired of the lack of response from any of them – to facebook posts, to emails, to texts, to phone calls. (I do not reach out to them just to chat either, my contacts were for specific reasons.) I was also hurt for my spouse when I saw pictures of a family gathering which we were not invited to and which my spouse at least could have attended as it was just down the road from his workplace. Not knowing at the time about blocking or restricting people on Facebook and feeling very odd about unfriending them as they would have been able to see my comments on my children’s FB pages, I chose to close out my FB account.

While I was indeed more productive without it, after more drama on Easter Sunday from them (again with the no-conversation-with-me-unless-I-started it), I decided, “Dingdangity! Why should they get to dictate my social media life?!” So I opened a new account and am slowly rebuilding my connections.

Truth be told, I don’t know if they know I am upset with them.(I’ve never spoken to them about it because I get so riled that it would not come out well. Also, I try to keep the peace for my husband and kids’ sakes and I’m trying to forgive and let go – though I fail every time.)

End of background (sorry for the length).

My question is: Should I refriend them? In a way I feel I should as a sign of forgiveness. However, I also don’t want to restart the drama or to feel even more neglected than I do now. What would Jesus do? What does He want me to do? I’ve been to Confession many times about these relationships and have prayed about it but I can’t seem to forget or let go. When I know a family gathering is coming up, I get started on a new cycle of rehashing old wounds.

Any help, advice, and prayers is sincerely appreciated.
 
carmelitenovice said:
Hello:
My question is: Should I refriend them? In a way I feel I should as a sign of forgiveness. However, I also don’t want to restart the drama or to feel even more neglected than I do now. What would Jesus do? What does He want me to do? I’ve been to Confession many times about these relationships and have prayed about it but I can’t seem to forget or let go. When I know a family gathering is coming up, I get started on a new cycle of rehashing old wounds.

Any help, advice, and prayers is sincerely appreciated.
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Since they never responded to any of your previous posts, private messages, or emails, I would say it doesn’t really matter to them whether you friend them or not. If you choose to do so out of a genuine desire to connect, then just realize that they have not changed (and they may not even have noticed that you were no longer even on FB).
If you would like to move past this and actually connect with your husband’s family, then maybe it is time that you and your husband have a talk with them. Some people really are so dense that they have no idea that you feel the way you do, or that you want a deeper family connection. At least if you tell them how you feel and what you want, you will know (one way or the other) if they feel the same way, and then you can move on from there. Either way, you will not change them; only they can do that. But at least if you tell them how you feel (and your husband backs you up), you give them the opportunity to change. If they choose not to be more inclusive, then you can decide whether to accept them as they are and maintain what little connection you have, or let go of people who don’t care whether you’re there or not.
 
Thank you Juno:

Just to clarify: They do know that I was not on FB for a time but not the full reason why. “Too much of a time sink and I was tired of the drama” was my answer to their question about it. I see their names on my “people you may know” FB feed so I can assume that at some point they will see my name there on their own feeds if they haven’t already.

Also, my husband and I are very nonconfrontational, especially where family is concerned. While we have several family gatherings coming up the next two months, they are of the type that to say anything at them would really put a damper on the occasions (a military homecoming, a graduation and a Confirmation among other things).

Is it unforgiving to not refriend them? Or is it prudent?
 
Have they requested your friendship? If not, don’t worry about it. Friend your real friends.
 
Sounds like your husband’s family has some unsealed brokeness within the family system.
 
carmelitenovice said:
Hello:

I need some advice as to how to deal with my in-laws.

Background:
Married for over 20 years. Spouse has three siblings, none of whom are married but one went through a nasty divorce when the kids were small (they are all grown now). They are all rather reserved and have been called clannish (not by me, at least not until I heard someone else say it). As the only in-law, I have had a hard time at family gatherings:They do not talk to me unless I start: “Hey! How are you? How’s the job? etc.”

I was Facebook friends with the one in-law who is also on it, as well as with her three adult children. However, I got very tired of the lack of response from any of them – to facebook posts, to emails, to texts, to phone calls. (I do not reach out to them just to chat either, my contacts were for specific reasons.) I was also hurt for my spouse when I saw pictures of a family gathering which we were not invited to and which my spouse at least could have attended as it was just down the road from his workplace. Not knowing at the time about blocking or restricting people on Facebook and feeling very odd about unfriending them as they would have been able to see my comments on my children’s FB pages, I chose to close out my FB account.

While I was indeed more productive without it, after more drama on Easter Sunday from them (again with the no-conversation-with-me-unless-I-started it), I decided, “Dingdangity! Why should they get to dictate my social media life?!” So I opened a new account and am slowly rebuilding my connections.

Truth be told, I don’t know if they know I am upset with them.(I’ve never spoken to them about it because I get so riled that it would not come out well. Also, I try to keep the peace for my husband and kids’ sakes and I’m trying to forgive and let go – though I fail every time.)

End of background (sorry for the length).

My question is: Should I refriend them? In a way I feel I should as a sign of forgiveness. However, I also don’t want to restart the drama or to feel even more neglected than I do now. What would Jesus do? What does He want me to do? I’ve been to Confession many times about these relationships and have prayed about it but I can’t seem to forget or let go. When I know a family gathering is coming up, I get started on a new cycle of rehashing old wounds.

Any help, advice, and prayers is sincerely appreciated.
Click to expand...
Perhaps before delving into the minefield of social media, all involved should work on real life relationships and social interaction. Now, they are not here for me to say that to, but you are and you can control yourself. It seems to me you are kind of looking for drama…
 
Hello all:
@HoosierDaddy: That’s fair and perhaps correct. I know it’s not all them. I know at least part of the issue must be with me (if not all). I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut.

(P.S. Love your user name by the way. Cute! ;D )
 
Facebook Is The Work Of The Devil!

OK, that’s just my prejudice, but honestly, about 3/4 of what I ever hear about Facebook is how many feelings get hurt by using it. It is a social minefield.

Consider the consequences of upsetting your in-laws. They may not invite you to family events any more. They may ignore you on Facebook. Heavenly days, what* are* you worried about? I don’t know if they are “clannish” or just anti-social or what, but the chances are fairly low that your relationship with them will get worse by an act as passively aggressive as failing to include them as friends to your new Facebook account.

**What would Jesus do? Shake the dust from your feet, let go of ill will over this, and move on. If the one relative who ever was on FB with you ever asks, you can simply say in all truthfulness that although you eventually went back to the convenience of having an account for the people who asked to see your vacation pictures and the cool cake you made last weekend, you had no reason to believe that everyone you used to “friend” really wanted to be bothered with all that. When you started a new FB account you resolved not to bother anyone with “friending” that you didn’t feel very sure wanted that as a way to keep in contact with you: that is, via Facebook. The rest, you keep in contact with in “the old-fashioned way.” Since this relative didn’t respond much, you concluded that she and her family preferred talking with you in person. Never mind that they don’t seem all that jazzed up about that, either. That is not the point. The point is that no one can possibly attend to everyone on FB without wasting their entire lives on it. Take that stance. If one of your husband’s side of the family says, “oh, well, I’d like to see you on Facebook,” you just say, “Oh, of course! No problem! If you want me to include you, of course I will!”
Irishmom2 said:
Have they requested your friendship? If not, don’t worry about it. Friend your real friends.
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This. I would think about it as: Friend the friends on Facebook that have shown an interest in being your Facebook friends. Do not make any rash judgments about those who only socialize with you elsewhere. You ought to be thankful not everyone in your life wants a lot of your Facebook attention. You’d never get anything else done.
 
As for the facebook thing: If they want to be friends with you on Facebook, then they are perfectly capable of making the request themselves. If they do not, then they shouldn’t be upset if you don’t offer. If you don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to do it, then it doesn’t need to be done - there is no “thou shalt friend thy in-laws on facebook” commandment. “Who would Jesus friend?” is a question that puts an intrinsic importance on social media that it doesn’t actually have.

For the more general issue: as another poster mentioned, they may not be aware that their behavior is upsetting to you. Certain personality types/temperaments tend to behave towards people they don’t consider close in the way you describe your in-laws as doing sort of by default - not so much out of a desire to exclude, but just because actively trying to include is actually difficult for them. Of course, they should be making the effort - you’re married to one of them - but it is at least possible that there is no malice involved, just a sort of (possibly oblivious) negligence.

If this is in fact the case, and if you want to put forth the effort that they are not (knowing that it may or may not accomplish much), then you may just pick a few in-laws at a time, tell them you want to get to know them better, and keep inviting them to things (in small groups so that they don’t focus on each other) until they start to feel like they know you better. (Yes, they should be doing some of the work there, and they might start eventually if they really don’t realize now that you feel left out and then come to understand what you are doing - but clearly they aren’t doing so now.)

In a worse case scenario where they are not merely failing to include you, but actually aren’t willing to include you, then in the end that’s on them and if you’ve tried to get to know them and failed, there is nothing more to do. To forgive them does not mean to continue to try to get them to do things that you’ve learned they won’t do.
 
Thanks one and all for the thought-provoking responses. Especially Hoosier Daddy who has really made me see my role in this whole mess as a drama queen. My obsession over this has been over the top. Thankfully, I’ve been keeping largely silent about it and have been trying mightily not to say anything about it to my husband or children.

For right now, I will keep the status as quo. If they choose to send me a friend request, wonderful! If not, life goes on, with or without FB.
 
Some people are more interactive with FB than others. Some people tag everyone in their photos, others tag no one. I honestly don’t like checking my messages there and seldom answer–which now makes me feel a little bad because I never perceived that the person sending it would interpret it the wrong way. So I believe maybe you are over analyzing the situation. I’m sure they meant no harm. Hopefully you have a better experience on social media this time around. 👍
 
@RunwayMode:

“So I believe maybe you are over analyzing the situation. I’m sure they meant no harm.”

I am sure you are right on both counts. I tend to over analyze and see the worst in everything. We all have our faults and quirks and those are two of mine (among many).

I’m making a concerted effort to take FB a lot less seriously this time.

Thanks again…
 
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