Forgiveness of an abuser

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MichelleTherese

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Ok, gear up your brains and help me out here…

My parents were very very abusive to me as a child. After years of healing and with the peace that I have found in God I am ready to walk away from my past and totally, 100%, unreservedly forgive my parents. As a matter of fact, I want to forgive EVERYONE that ever did ANYTHING bad to me and I don’t want to think about it again. I’m not wanting to go into denial or pretend that it never happened. And I did recieve excellent therapy when I needed it so I am not depressed or maladjusted. Sure, I have scars, but now, it’s over, it’s done with, why drag it around for the rest of my life? I’d rather fill my life with LOVE. 🙂 The love of Christ. “Love one another as I have loved you…” This is real love, not silly sappy denial love. This is God filling in every gap, every hole, every wound every given by my parents. I’m not kidding as I type this. God has really done great things for me. 🙂

Ok, here’s my confusion: Is it morally acceptable for me to never ever speak of the abuse again because it’s been forgiven by me? I want to wipe the slate clean and “wiping the slate clean” means that the stuff is gone. Would I be lying if I never spoke of the abuse ever again to anyone? I’m thinking of becoming a nun. If my past has been forgiven, I have healed and moved on, do I have to tell the Vocation Directress about the abuse? I’ve already said my parents were abusive but jeez, do I have to go into detail after wiping the slate clean? Would it be a sin if I just said, “I have forgiven them completely and I no longer speak of these things.” If I get married to a man do I have to tell him about the abuse? Ever? Ditto for when I make new friends etc.?

I want to forgive, forget, move on, but I want to do so while also being “right with God.”

Thank you! And don’t worry, I don’t need your apologies for my parents’ abuse because, honestly, once I know what is morally acceptable, I’m gonna do it and it’s going to be GONE from my slate. 🙂 God bless!
 
I say you don’t need to tell anyone unless it is asked specifically of you and the person asking has a really good reason for asking.

I cant imagine the vocation director asking you to recount the details of the abuse as a child or even a husband for that matter.

Feel free to bury the past!

God bless you
 
My guess is, this information will come out, no matter what, because it does impact on your life, even though there’s great healing and forgiveness. But don’t worry about it. Trust in God’s Divine Providence in leading you to the right order. Ask your guadian angel to lead the way for you. And may God’s peace be with you on your new journey. God bless.
 
It sort of sounds like you are in a quandry of how much to tell. Typically this is part of your private life and people you meet really wont expect you to have been abused-- they wont bring up the subject and you dont have to bring it up.
In the event of getting married-- I’d say you would need to disclose this–just as your husband would share his background with you. You dont mention what kinds of abuses – but if you are still having a relationship with your parents and were thinking of marrying-- yes you need to tell your future spouse so he can help protect your children. I’m sure I don’t have to mention how victims sometimes hand their own children over to abusers convinced that everything is fixed or over-- your husband will need to know about abuse so he can have all the knowledge necessary to protect any children from potential abuse.

hope that makes sense
K
 
For the past 10 years I have done volunteer work with children who have emotional problems as a result of abuse or neglect. Anyone interested in volunteering at this facility is asked whether there was any abuse or neglect in their background.

A person may think that they have resolved their issues, and moved on with their life, until they encounter a child who is in a situation similar to theirs. And then the memories come flooding back, which can be harmful to the emotional health of the volunteer.

If you become a nun, is there a possibility that you will minister in any way to abused children? The facility at which I volunteer is run by an order of nuns, and I know of another order that assists in a different facility. Many orders work as teachers, and it’s possible that someday you’d encounter a student who is being abused. Until that day comes, you can’t be certain how you’ll react.

Therefore I think it’s absolutely necessary to tell the Vocations Director about your abuse. Not necessarily all of the gory details, but enough information so that she can decide whether this might impact your future service.
 
My personal and working with others experience is that healing from childhood abuse is more of a journey than a finished or closed episode. As my adult life has unfolded, and new areas of adult and life developmental tasks have arisen, aspects of my childhood that I thought I had resolved come vivdly back to me in the current context. So for me the ‘forget’ aspect of healing has not been as clean as I would like. But it certainly does get easier with each uninvited memory and requires less attention and effort on my part to attend to, as I live on in my new personal history in the forgiveness and healing of Christ Jesus. Amen!

I really think that it depends on an as needed basis of sharing your personal history with others, with potential spouse and religious discerment directors given more consideration.

I hope this helps you.
 
Your spiritual directory at monastery (should you become a religous) may want to know about these kinds of details because it has an effect on your development whether you have forgiven the abuse or not. If you have siblings who were also abused they may want to speak about it. It would be a sacrifice on you part to do so. Your parents may at some time wish to discuss it with you and I would think the charitable thing on your part is do so. If it is not too painful you might want to consider these things.
 
I can see why you wouldn’t feel the need to tell everyone you know about your history of being abused, especially since you have made your peace with it. But I would feel obligated to tell a potential husband about it for a few reasons.
  1. Even though you have not done anything wrong, by abusing you, your parents gave you an education in how to be an abusive parent. I’m not saying you will be one, but not having good parental role models, you may have to work harder someday to not make some of those mistakes with your own kids. Obviously, you have already done a lot of that work, but it’s amazing how we inadvertantly pick up our parents tendancies when we become parents. I’d feel dishonest if I didn’t disclose this to my future husband.
  2. Unless your parents will have no contact with your future children, you and your husband will need to be able to be vigilant so that you can protect your children from being treated inappropriately by their grandparents (or other family members who may have been a part of this abuse). Although you have forgiven them, you don’t have to pretend that they won’t hurt someone again. Again, as a husband, I’d want to know about this for my children’s sake.
  3. Even though you have worked through this and move on, the abuse you endured is probably a big part of who you are. You are probably a much stronger, more forgiving, more virtuous in other ways person as a result of having worked through such horrible things. While you may not think about it every day, it (or even your triumph over it) is an important part of you. I wouldn’t feel like I was giving myself completely to my spouse if I couldn’t share this information with him.
As far as becoming a sister or nun, I think it would be a sin to be deceitful in your entry to an order. Answer their questions honestly, and honestly ask yourself what they want to know about you - you can usually tell by their questions. But why not tell an order? Are you afraid they won’t accept you? If that’s the case, then you have to be obedient to their requirements. If they don’t need to know, it won’t hurt to give them a very short explanation (like the one you gave us here), and they won’t follow it up.

God Bless You.
 
all of what you guys have said makes a lot of sense. Telling everything to a potential husband seems like the wise thing to do. As for nuns, I tell them I’ve been abused but I don’t go into all the details, nor do I dwell on it.

I asked this question because I wasn’t sure where the line was between “dwelling on the past” and “being a liar.”

Your responses helped me to see where this line is and I thank you very much!
 
I was abused as a child. I am still quite young (18), but I have been able, through the grace of God, to forgive my abuser. However, I constantly see the effects of the abuse in my life, particularly in how I deal with men. I feel like I might not ever be able to get married because this is such a part of who I am, but I know I would have to tell my husband if I were to get married. Who I am is so different because of the abuse, I feel like for my husband to really know me, he would have to know. I don’t know how I would tell him, because I usually do not tell men about it; the only man I’ve ever told was someone who was himself abused as a child. Well, anyway, I think that I can still acknowledge that something happened even if I forgive the one who sinned against me. I don’t think Jesus would deny the crucifixion, but He clearly forgave those crucifying him. Therefore, I think you can tell people, and it is not dwelling on the past as long as you are not making it a constant topic of conversation.
 
I hope that this comes out charitably. I would caution against a feeling or attitude that you are 100% healed.

Health is, to a large extent, a relative issue. There are many things about abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) that can seem healed. And then a new situation comes up, and we react. And our reaction is based on who we are; and who we are in part is determined by who we have been.

The comment was made above about modeling behavior learned from parents; the opposite can also be true; the person who was emotionally or physically abused by a parent can turn the opposite way, and not respond appropriately by acepting and exercising authority appropriately (i.e. at all), because to exercise any authority is subliminally seen as being abusive.

It does not need to be a topic of discussion. It does need to be revealed to those whom it could matter; and that includes superiors (e.g. as a nun) or spouses.
 
No expert here, but if you’re posting about it, then you want to express it. Just be real to yourself. If you need to let more out, than do! No one, whether religious or secular, will think less of you. Heal yourself the best way you know how.
 
Feels good to forgive those who trespess on you doesn’t it.

As for your question. It depends, are you going to bring it up to dwell on the fact? Or throw it at your parents in a negative way?

But you could use it as a positive tool to help show others the power of Healing is thru forgivness, or help other abuse victims.

Like anything it depends on your intent.
 
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