Forgiveness

[LMP]

Scenario: What if you were told by a doctor that you had a disease that would certainly cause you death because medicine had not yet perfected a cure? And the doctor also told you
that, historically, the disease would usually make a person succumb within three and a half years? In other words, the time that you had remaining on this earth was very limited.

Complicating the scenario: You had issues that were not resolved. You had been told by religious that you needed to forgive to be yourself forgiven, and thus allowed entry into
heaven, that faith in God, just wasn’t the only thing that was needed for salvation. Works were also needed and that included forgiveness.

What if, though, the issues were so irreproachable that forgiveness didn’t seem like it would ever be a correct response to the situation? What if you were, what they call, an
extended wounded? Say, you were a mother or a father of a child who had been raped several years earlier and that, now, the child’s life was totally crippled forever. You had mentally
tucked the whole incident in a closet and refused to ever go in there again. The pain involved with just opening the door a tiny
crack to forgive that awful, awful rapist was just too great. You would just as soon endure the harmful ramifications of that harbored issue rather than ever have to face it.

Yet, deep down, because you felt guilty about not forgiving and because you had been drilled about the salvation necessity of forgiving, you just thought that maybe you’d try opening the
forgiving closet door, especially now that you were dying.
How would you start to forgive? Who would you
talk with? Could it be done in the amount of life that you had left? How could you possibly work through that whole tangle of emotions and feelings and finally get rest?

I think that people–church members, employees at corporations, people living in all the countries of the world, individuals, children,
teens, the list goes on and on—All of human kind, in various groups or separate, could be considered extended wounded of any number of thorny issues. And, I think that all of human
kind is totally clueless about forgiveness. They see Jesus hanging on a cross and think to themselves that he was so different from us to be able to do that. He was great; we are not
and could never even begin to be that holy. So, we have tons and tons of ‘closets’ just chuck full of unresolved, unforgiven issues and some of them are so totally, totally painful that they rip at our consciousness and overt behavior without us even being aware. It affects our family, our city, our country, our world.

The Bible tells us that the end is near and doesn’t tell us the definition of ‘near.’ These words are a pressure on us to forgive as Jesus forgave. Any day and any hour and any minute is never too soon to begin to tackle the unresolved issues in our own life and world. We had better learn the ins and outs of
forgiveness and make it a top priority because death will come eventually to each and everyone of us.

 

[nicolep]

We sure weren’t told that being Christians was going to be easy! There are a lot of things we are called to do that seem down right impossible.

Can you truly forgive someone who isn’t repentant? Are our sins forgiven if we don’t have contrition and a desire to change? I’m pretty sure Jesus wants us to forgive others before they even ask.

I was sexually abused as a child. I have been able to forgive that person. The only way that was possible for me was through a lot of therapy. It didn’t take three and a half years. It took about a year and a half or two (once a week for an hour turns into some serious time working on it on top of the things I did on my own). I was only able to forgive the person because I came to grips with what happened to me. I’m not mad that it happened anymore. I’m not mad at the person. Now, I’m not going to be friends with him, but that’s not how I understand forgiveness.

I’ve learned to look at life differently. All of the things that have happened in my life, have helped to create the person I am today. The good things and the bad things are a part of me. I’m pretty happy with the person I am. If any one of those things were removed, would I still be this person? Who knows! At the end of the day, I look in the mirror and I’m happy with who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s much harder to do some days than others. I have to constantly remind myself. I thank God as often as I can that he forgives me so easily. When I’m finding it hard to forgive others, I remember how I have offended God, whom I should love above all things. If He can let it go, I should be able to with work.

 

[LMP]

We sure weren’t told that being Christians was going to be easy! …be able to with work.

Thank you for your reply. How are your parents? Did they need counseling, as well? What happened to you affected the close people around you. What is really sad is that sometimes thoughtless people blame the parents for not being there, etc.

I wonder if the RC Church realizes that the few abuse cases that have occurred within their institution have affected the people in the pews. They are what I call the extended wounded. I see behaviors, hear and read comments from people in the pews that are similar to what I, as an extended wounded from a personal incident, also exhibit. The whole church can’t go to therapy! How can they learn the ins and outs of forgiveness.

Health care professionals know how to approach the subject, but normally just a regular person doesn’t have that knowledge.

 

[Trishie]

Our dear friend,
it is not always possible to forgive, or to forgive consistently, a terrible injury to ourselves or to loved ones, especially if the injury continues to cripple of damage our lives or the lives of loved ones.

Firstly, we make the **intention **to forgive…in saying to God that, "Lord, I wish to forgive this person because You wish me to…and tell Him how you actually do feel about it all, how difficult or impossible forgiveness is towards this person.

Next, ask Jesus to forgive them within you on your behalf.
And repeat this on any occasion that the grief or anger overwhelms you again.

The other responsibility towards those who have in some way injured or maimed or killed the heart, mind, spirit, or life of ourselves or those we love, is to pray for them, for their healing and salvation also.

We are human, so in these three ways we call on God to do what we cannot do on our own

 

[nicolep]

Thank you for your reply. How are your parents? Did they need counseling, as well? What happened to you affected the close people around you. What is really sad is that sometimes thoughtless people blame the parents for not being there, etc.

I wonder if the RC Church realizes that the few abuse cases that have occurred within their institution have affected the people in the pews. They are what I call the extended wounded. I see behaviors, hear and read comments from people in the pews that are similar to what I, as an extended wounded from a personal incident, also exhibit. The whole church can’t go to therapy! How can they learn the ins and outs of forgiveness.

Health care professionals know how to approach the subject, but normally just a regular person doesn’t have that knowledge.

You know, my parents never had much to say about the whole thing. I tried to tell them when I was a kid, but couldn’t get the right words out. As an adult, I’ve told my mom, but she seems very removed from it all. She said something similar happened to her and she decided to just get over it. Well, it’s not that easy for most people. My mom is a generally unfeeling person.

As a parent, it would be much harder (not that doing it for myself has been easy) to forgive someone if they intentionally hurt my child. My son passed away four years ago. He wasn’t sexually abused, but he was offended. It was a lesser injury, but it has been a lot harder to forgive that person. I don’t know how different it would be if my son was still alive. I have to work at forgiving a lot. There are times I think I have, but other times not so much.

As Trishie said in her post, it’s an ongoing struggle. Forgiving doesn’t equal forgetting. For me, it comes down to eternal damnation. Do I want this person to go to hell forever? I don’t think so. My prayer would be that they see the error of their ways, may restitution and seek forgiveness from God. Again, I might not think or feel that way tomorrow, but it’s what I strive for.

 

[LMP]

Both comments are rhetorically beautiful and a great comfort. It is too bad that such Spirit-filled, and naturally learned insight is buried in this tiny little space way out in cyberland. Wouldn’t it be just perfect to have such wisdom front stage and center?

 

[nicolep]

I’m glad the comments on this thread have been a comfort. I personally don’t bury them in cyberland. I talk out loud about it. Unfortunately, I don’t have a very wide audience!

The thing about forgiveness is that one doesn’t really have to worry about it or think about it until they have to forgive some terrible misdeed. The priests, if something had or did happen, wouldn’t want to share something that personal…who can blame them? In my limited experience with priests, they would do whatever they could to help one of their hurting parishoners.

 

[LMP]

Yes, priests give God’s absolution in the sacrament of penance.
I’m not saying that priests should broadcast their own personal everything. But a single act of absolution is not enough.

What I’m saying is that the commandment goes…go forth and sin no more…more positively: continue in your forgiveness. I think it is difficult for a person to cognitively know exactly what forgiveness is and how to go about it, in order so that they can realize when they have achieved it.
For instance, I sense that you have achieved it in your case and that you know that you have achieved it. For me, probably like your own mother, I frequently and falsely ‘think’ forgiveness is stuffing the trouble into a closet and forgetting about it. Once in the closet, the trouble manifests itself in a host of different, sometimes adverse, ways. I’ve become almost cold.

Look at our society and world! The behavior and attitudes, all stem from a lack of forgiveness. Most of the world doesn’t have benefit of a mental health care professional. The definition, nature, ins-and-outs should be part of everyone’s life curriculum. So that when their eventual day comes, they can feel at peace with death.

 

[nicolep]

I think I understand what you’re saying and I, like you, wish there was an answer. Maybe the Sacrament of Reconcillation isn’t the right place for this one. Talking to a priest outside of the confessional might spin better results. They are always in such a hurry because there are so many people to get through. I’m not saying it’s right, but offering an idea.

I really wish I knew how to help.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Lot of “what ifs,” in LMP’s post.

First off, “IF”, is an allusion, it doesn’t exist. So, “what if” questions set up an illusion that is often very disconnected from reality, but are more part of fantasy.

Second, what does forgiveness actually mean? It means that you’re not looking for just compensation, for a wrong done to you.

It means giving pardon to the offender, but for the benefit of his soul, not for your satisfaction.

In the case of a rape or sexual abuse, forgiveness doesn’t mean that the offender will not be punished by consequences of his sin, either legally or spiritually, if he doesn’t repent, but rather, that you yourself will not look for compensation for your own ends.

For those who have offended you, asked the Lord Jesus Christ, to not hold those offenses against them, when they come before Him.

We should celebrate with heaven, every time a sinner repents and is brought into the Kingdom of God, even if that soul sinned against us.

Jim

 

[ncjohn]

I can definitely identify with the concept of feeling a need to forgive when it just feels impossible. I went through a lifetime of verbal and pyschological abuse from my father, and his inability to even understand–much less acknowledge–his actions kept me from even considering “letting go”.

In my mid to late 40’s though I felt a “call” to forgive him, which I fought vigorously for a couple years. During that time I mentioned it to a Cursillo partner who did in fact follow up with his own stepfather. I talked to our priest at the time and he counselled me that at times the best we can do is want to want to forgive. I tried to start from there, praying for the desire to want to forgive.

Eventually I wrote a letter to my father, apologizing for my own faults and forgiving him for the things that had hurt me so deeply through the years. I held on to the letter for a while, feeling unable to mail it since it contained so many things I still considered to be lies on my part since I still didn’t really feel that forgiveness.

I did eventually mail it and surprisingly enough never got a response at all. I pretty much let it drop until about a year later when we went out to dinner with them for some occasion. We went back to their house afterwards and I suddenly blurted out that I wondered why he had never answered my letter. He answered that he had a hard time understanding the things I brought up since in his mind he had always done the best he could. When I addressed to him that I could not recall a time in my life when he had ever told me he loved me he responded that I should have known that since he always provided for my needs. I explained that I had no basis for knowing that since all his actions seemed to indicate otherwise.

After that night the conversations changed and there was at least a civility between us, even though I still didn’t really and truly forgive him. A few months later though something happened from some other discussions we had had, and I saw him cry for the only time in my life and everything suddenly changed. In June of that year I sent him the first Father’s Day card of my life where I said I loved him…and I meant it! The following Saturday he died in his sleep, totally unexpectedly. What a gift from God that I had been able to come to peace with him before that and that I didn’t have to do the “if only I’d…” thing.

I still have days when I hurt inside from the things he did. I still have compulsive behaviors that resulted from the things of my upbringing, and there are days when I still feel great anger. As a friend has said on occasion relative to their hurt: I know you’re sorry for backing over me, and I forgive you, but the tire tracks are still on my back.

It’s a really, really hard thing to do, especially when you have to start from a point of not meaning it. But what I found is that God fills in the gaps once we start the process and our internal integrity will kind of force us to make good on what we’ve said. In a way it becomes a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.

On most days at least there is a peace that is far, far better than the perverse “pleasure” that came from holding on to being a victim. God plants a really good tree where we pull up that nasty old weed.

I pray for you to gain the courage to have that desire to forgive. God will carry most of the load if you’ll take even the smallest of steps.

Peace be with you,

 

[juno24]

LMP, your scenario reminds me of Corrie Ten Boom’s own experience. How on Earth can we forgive someone who has done something unspeakable to us or to a loved one? I am always moved to tears when I read or consider the following:

“It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, a former S.S. man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain-blanched face. He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein.” He said. “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I prayed, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”
Excerpted from Corrie Ten Boom’s The Hiding Place.