scared:
Forgiveness is a tough thing. I struggle with it. I was finally told that I would probably not be able to forgive very well, reason being, I simply can not forgive myself, never have, and I am working on it, hard work.
scared
Total forgiveness is extremely hard but the moment I say “I forgive” then that is sufficient…tho my feeling level is angry and resentful and I struggle terribly with that. To God, the feeling level remains beside the point as it were, He sees that we are trying with all we have to be totally forgiving including in our feelings and He loves us dearly in that struggle, and in the very bitterness of it and the hardship. He who created human nature knows it extremely well, and even better than we can ever hope to do! “That you be without reproach when you judge me Lord, see a sinner was I from birth” (Divine Office) There is much merit here in that and though I cannot feel it, The Lord is with me in my struggles as he is with you.
Perhaps self forgiveness is the very hardest of all forgiving and I think you are right in stating that we cannot forgive others until we have learnt to forgive ourselves, and no easy matter. Rest assured that I for sure and many I am sure are on the same level of struggles that you are. And were we to succeed and be totally forgiving including in our feelings everywhere - there would be another struggle to undertake in some other area. Struggle is almost a criteria of the spiritual life, tho peaceful and gentle struggle is the ideal. Ideal!
Your Post tho identifying and stating your own state and the struggle, I found a beautiful post in that it reflected humility. And humility as St. Teresa of Avila states will win The King every time.
Apart from that you have identified what your problem is and are working on it and tho it is quite hard work…psychologically and spiritually sound or positive.
A fellow struggler sending regards…Joyous Christmas and Blessings in 2006 to you Scared - May you loose all and any fear in the knowledge of The Love and Mercy to us sinners of Jesus The Christ…our sins continually daunt us but greater than our sinfulness by far, very far indeed is the Love and Mercy of God showered on us…Peace, Joy…Barb
Every blessing and comfort in Peace in your struggles and may they be successful in the Grace of The Lord. Be in Peace for The Lord knows well that our human nature fights and struggles against the spiritual person and often.