Forgiveness

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Asella

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I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to forgive someone. I have trouble with that sometimes. I get angry with those who have hurt me, and I would like to forgive them. I pray for strength, and I pray that I may open my heart to those who have wronged me, even if they are not sorry. I know that if I do not show mercy to others, the Lord will not show mercy towards me. I try to think of how I have wronged others, and how others have forgiven me, and how I should give forgiveness also. But I’m so stubborn sometimes. I just find it so hard to forgive. I need advice on how to be able to forgive.
 
Something that’s helped me is to pray for that person or persons. If I’m praying FOR them, asking God to bless them and help them, it helps me to be less resentful and angry.
 
Hmmm… seems my mother’s phrase was: Bury the hatchet".

“But mark the spot”… 😃

You may be confusing forgiveness, as an act of the will, with forgiveness, as a feeling.

The latter comes only after some time for most; and that some time can be quite long. It generally will come; it requires time, and the realization that part of what brings it is leaving theissue alone; as in, quit dwelling on the hurt, and the pain, and the huiliation, etc. the more you dwell on it, revel in it, grovel in it, etc, the longer it will take to obtain that feeling of forgiveness.

Know also that part of forgiveness is getting off the “patsy” bandwagon; if the person(s) who hurt you continue to do so, then you need to learn how to make yourself less vulnerable; that may mean avoidence of those people, or changing the dynamics of the situation when you must be with them.

Christ commanded us to forgive; I don’;t recall his commanding that we take more abuse unnecessarily.
 
I forget which saint said it (Therese?) but she used to present to God in her prayer, all the hidden virtues and beauty which was there within that soul, but which she could not see. She praised God for His handiwork within and asked that He increase it for that person.

To use a very crude example, did you see the movie Water Boy? At the end of the movie, his coach (the Fonz) was greatly fearful and intimidated by the ferocious captain of his opponent’s team. Adam Sandler told him to mentally transpose an image upon the captain which would make him less fearful. So he put a smiling baby face on him with his imagination, and he was able to “see” the captain as a darling, cooing baby.

We need to do this with our “enemy” as well - transpose a picture of them with hidden virtues, growing in love of God, striving to be holy, etc. It helps.

Happy imaging,
Carole
 
I just remembered another example last evening that might be good to share - at least it helps reinforce my resolve to go and do likewise.

My younger sister invited me over one day for lunch. With a gleam in her eye and a hint of delight in her voice, she took me outside to see her “bridal wreath.” This is a flowering shrub, for you who are not gardeners. But all I saw was a pitiful little twig - no leaves, just a few branches, hardly worth any excitement.

Lynn, however, saw the twig as a beautiful full-grown majestic beauty, full of bridal flowers - as in her mind it would one day become. She bent down and lovingly touched a small branch with her hand.

Isn’t that how God sees us, as well? What an object lesson I learned that day! To see our human family as God sees us - not twigs, but glorious shrubs adorned with fragrant beauty and flowers. Who could imagine a drug addict like John Corapi could be the gifted preacher and holy priest that he has become? That Paul could become the mighty preacher to the gentiles? That feisty Peter could become the first Pope of the universal Church?

When we plant a flower seed in the ground, do we vision it as a dead inert piece of matter? Or rather as it will become when it is full grown, when it has been nurtured, watered, fertilized, preserved from insect damage?

To “see” our so-called enemies as lovely, virtuous, blessing all of humanity with their lives, is to hold God’s vision, and I’m told that our thoughts have power to transform. Hmmm.

Carole
 
You may be confusing forgiveness, as an act of the will, with forgiveness, as a feeling.
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Well put…sin is essentially and intrinsically a choice of the will while our imperfect nature remains. My will may not be choosing the sin, but I may remain angry where forgiveness is concerned. The imperfection of our human nature will persevere if not in one direction, then usually in some other.
The latter comes only after some time for most; and that some time can be quite long. It generally will come; it requires time, and the realization that part of what brings it is leaving theissue alone; as in, quit dwelling on the hurt, and the pain, and the huiliation, etc. the more you dwell on it, revel in it, grovel in it, etc, the longer it will take to obtain that feeling of forgiveness.
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Well said.
Know also that part of forgiveness is getting off the “patsy” bandwagon; if the person(s) who hurt you continue to do so, then you need to learn how to make yourself less vulnerable; that may mean avoidence of those people, or changing the dynamics of the situation when you must be with them.
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Well said.
Christ commanded us to forgive; I don’;t recall his commanding that we take more abuse unnecessarily.
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Again well said. Am I taking abuse unnecessarily can be a difficult call or decision…this is where a director is often most helpful. If I do not have one, then I need to make the decision myself while acknowledging that my decision is entirely a fallible one. One can only do the best one can leaving judgement to God peacefully. Both the judgement of myself for assessing perhaps I am taking too much abuse, and also the judgement of the other who may be offering too much abuse. “Too much” and assessing it can be difficult and with ‘can be’ operative.

Barb
 
How do I forgive myself for wasting my life?
For comparing myself to others?
For suffering pain when I see the happiness of others?
For being jealous of others?
For wanting love from people who don’t love me?
For wanting not to hate myself and regret my life?
For being self-pitying?
For being a total failure?
For being unable to do anything but smoke and cry?
How do I forgive myself for wasting my life and being a total failure who is a walking advertisement for how not to live?
How do I forgive myself for wanting God to help me when His will must be not to do so?
How do I forgive myself for wondering if God is real or not?
Where is He and why has He left me like this?

Emptiness…only emptiness and pain.
Hopelessness…I suppose I still hope, but for what? Temporary reprieve from pain? Temporary faith? Temporary belief and conviction that God is with me?

How can I forgive myself for being such a miserable failure at everything I attempt to do – even being Catholic?
 
Dear friends

Simply forgiveness is not an act of feeling but an act of faith brought about by love of God firstly and love of each other. If we recall peace begins with us first then forgiveness is the natural step from this by God’s grace. We who have caused so much offense to God have no cause to keep account and bear grudge and so the only thing I can say is…

Pray for the grace to forgive because forgiveness is Divine and the source of all healing and it can only stem from true love and is possible for all humans with God’s grace and as such we are peace bearers and Christ to each other, such is the Kingdom of God.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
When I’m having a hard time forgiving others I meditate on Christ’s Passion. Yeah, I know I give that as a solution to a lot of things, but hear me out anyway.

God gave us life. All we have belongs to Him, including our very being. When we sin, it offends God infinitely, as He is infinitely good. Because He loves us, He became one of us, and offered Himself as recompense for our offenses. If God, who is offended so severely repeatedly, can forgive us, and go to great lengths to become reunited with us, how can we withhold our forgiviness from one another.

… and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us…

God, in His mercy and love, has given us the ultimate example of how to forgive. It involves offering ourselves for the sake of the other, and reaching out with self-sacrificial love in order to resolve whatever injustice may have occurred. It isn’t easy by any means… but thinking of it in this way makes it much easier for me.

Hope this helps.

God bless,

Agricola
 
When I find my selfhood or feelings pulling against what my will is choosing and that is to forgive, then I sight my forgiveness as tainted and imperfect…and an opportunity for humility and there is the stable foundation of all the virtues.
I may find myself achieving in one area of my ideals, but I will surely and beyond doubt find myself not so successful in other areas and more opportunity to learn humility.
Humility roots virtue and indeed perspective and attitude in the truth of matters. For if I do find myself achieving my ideals, whose is the glory…The Lord’s and His Grace.
St. Teresa of Avila asked her nuns to never move from two matters: The Humanity of Jesus and also humility.

Barb

Joyous Christmas and Blessings in 2006. Let us also celebrate Christmas in very human ways as a celebration of thankfulness and joy in He who became fully human for love of His creation.
 
Lord, I understand that you will not forgive my sins, if I can’t forgive others, so please give me the strentgh to forgive (name) for (what he did), so that you can forgive me for (whatever I did).

Notworthy
 
Forgiveness is a tough thing. I struggle with it. I was finally told that I would probably not be able to forgive very well, reason being, I simply can not forgive myself, never have, and I am working on it, hard work.

scared
 
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scared:
Forgiveness is a tough thing. I struggle with it. I was finally told that I would probably not be able to forgive very well, reason being, I simply can not forgive myself, never have, and I am working on it, hard work.

scared
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Total forgiveness is extremely hard but the moment I say “I forgive” then that is sufficient…tho my feeling level is angry and resentful and I struggle terribly with that. To God, the feeling level remains beside the point as it were, He sees that we are trying with all we have to be totally forgiving including in our feelings and He loves us dearly in that struggle, and in the very bitterness of it and the hardship. He who created human nature knows it extremely well, and even better than we can ever hope to do! “That you be without reproach when you judge me Lord, see a sinner was I from birth” (Divine Office) There is much merit here in that and though I cannot feel it, The Lord is with me in my struggles as he is with you.
Perhaps self forgiveness is the very hardest of all forgiving and I think you are right in stating that we cannot forgive others until we have learnt to forgive ourselves, and no easy matter. Rest assured that I for sure and many I am sure are on the same level of struggles that you are. And were we to succeed and be totally forgiving including in our feelings everywhere - there would be another struggle to undertake in some other area. Struggle is almost a criteria of the spiritual life, tho peaceful and gentle struggle is the ideal. Ideal!

Your Post tho identifying and stating your own state and the struggle, I found a beautiful post in that it reflected humility. And humility as St. Teresa of Avila states will win The King every time.

Apart from that you have identified what your problem is and are working on it and tho it is quite hard work…psychologically and spiritually sound or positive.

A fellow struggler sending regards…Joyous Christmas and Blessings in 2006 to you Scared - May you loose all and any fear in the knowledge of The Love and Mercy to us sinners of Jesus The Christ…our sins continually daunt us but greater than our sinfulness by far, very far indeed is the Love and Mercy of God showered on us…Peace, Joy…Barb:)

Every blessing and comfort in Peace in your struggles and may they be successful in the Grace of The Lord. Be in Peace for The Lord knows well that our human nature fights and struggles against the spiritual person and often.
 
When I am having a hard time forgiving someone for something I try to remember that forgiveness is actually for me. Yes, forgiving someone actually is for the forgiver not the offender. Think about it, If I am mad at (for example) Amy because she offended me by (this is usually the problem) treating my children badly. I am consumed by anger while Amy is oblivious to my feelings. So then the anger I feel towards this person eats away at me while the offender goes merrily on with life. Who is it hurting? Me of course…I am the one who is consumed by anger, I am the one who feels lousy, I am the one whose relationship with God has now been compromised because I am not forgiving as Christ would have. I don’t want anything to get in the way of my relationship with God so I have to get rid of my anger… and the only way to do this is to forgive the offender. So I pray for the offender and then I ask to be forgiven myself for my lack of charity toward a brother or sister in Christ. I then feel better and viola! I am now able to be nice to that person. Amazing how a different perspective can change the way you feel about someone!
 
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BlestOne:
When I am having a hard time forgiving someone for something I try to remember that forgiveness is actually for me. Yes, forgiving someone actually is for the forgiver not the offender. Think about it, If I am mad at (for example) Amy because she offended me by (this is usually the problem) treating my children badly. I am consumed by anger while Amy is oblivious to my feelings. So then the anger I feel towards this person eats away at me while the offender goes merrily on with life. Who is it hurting? Me of course…I am the one who is consumed by anger, I am the one who feels lousy, I am the one whose relationship with God has now been compromised because I am not forgiving as Christ would have. I don’t want anything to get in the way of my relationship with God so I have to get rid of my anger… and the only way to do this is to forgive the offender. So I pray for the offender and then I ask to be forgiven myself for my lack of charity toward a brother or sister in Christ. I then feel better and viola! I am now able to be nice to that person. Amazing how a different perspective can change the way you feel about someone!
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Insightful Post and an excellent point…thank you!
Amazing how a different perspective can change the way you feel about someone!
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Life is all attitude and perspective on any matter at all and thank you for illustrating this with real clarity drawn from your own experiences…well said.

Joyous Christmas BlestOne…and every blessing in 2006.
 
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