Forgiving a dead abuser

[Anglewannabe]

There was a person I knew in my childhood that was somewhat abusive to me. When I was 12, this person was in a coma. I never thought they would die because things like that only happened in the movies. But secretly, I though it would be a cool adventure if they did die.

So, anytime I think of forgiving this person, the guilt of wishing they would die, surfaces. I know I need to push through that and still forgive. However, I was hoping people could share stories of what has helped them forgive a dead person.

Angie

 

[ClearWater]

There was a person I knew in my childhood that was somewhat abusive to me. When I was 12, this person was in a coma. I never thought they would die because things like that only happened in the movies. But secretly, I though it would be a cool adventure if they did die.

So, anytime I think of forgiving this person, the guilt of wishing they would die, surfaces. I know I need to push through that and still forgive. However, I was hoping people could share stories of what has helped them forgive a dead person.

Angie

Well, I have a friend of mine who had her son kidnapped when he was only a child, I believe also tortured, killed him. She talked to me about forgiveness.

She said for a time, she couldn’t forgive the kidnappers, tried different things, I think…Neurotics Anonymous and talking to a priest. In her particular case, she didn’t find peace until she talked to someone at the B’hai faith who said she had all this anger pent up, to get that out.

The person told her to imagine that a pillow there was the kidnappers, to hit it, say even bad words to it, yell, etc. She said that helped her forgive, because she said she was allowed to vent her emotions, unleash the pent up anger, afterwards, forgive.

I think forgiveness is probably an individual matter. What works for one won’t work for another.

Some people write a letter to the person, not going to send it, and write out ALL the feelings from A-Z.

Why not read books on forgiveness, go online, begin searching on how to forgive.

Some people find relief in counseling, talking through their feelings, getting them “off their chest”.

I once had an experience with forgiveness. I was watching a movie on Christ’s cruxifixion which was very realistic. I put that on “pause”, and went to my room and just said to myself if he could endure all that, when innocent, forgive his killers, then I could forgive, too. So, I said, “I forgive… and…and…and”…

For anyone wanting to forgive, I recomend you begin a search and try things. Try writing a letter to the person (that you will never send). Try visiting the funeral plot of a dead person, where possible and talking to it. Go online. Talk to people. Ask people how they forgive.

 

[josh987654321]

There was a person I knew in my childhood that was somewhat abusive to me. When I was 12, this person was in a coma. I never thought they would die because things like that only happened in the movies. But secretly, I though it would be a cool adventure if they did die.

So, anytime I think of forgiving this person, the guilt of wishing they would die, surfaces. I know I need to push through that and still forgive. However, I was hoping people could share stories of what has helped them forgive a dead person.

Angie

I have never had to forgive a dead person, however I believe I have forgiven other people and in the following I list all of things that have helped me -

The very first thing I read that helped me was while reading the sermon on the mount -
Matthew 5:43-48:

Love for Enemies

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

And the following in this thread - forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=949343
My posts start at #6

I hope this has helped

God Bless

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[Antegin]

There was a person I knew in my childhood that was somewhat abusive to me. When I was 12, this person was in a coma. I never thought they would die because things like that only happened in the movies. But secretly, I though it would be a cool adventure if they did die.

So, anytime I think of forgiving this person, the guilt of wishing they would die, surfaces. I know I need to push through that and still forgive. However, I was hoping people could share stories of what has helped them forgive a dead person.

Angie

Dear Angie, as terrible as you might feel about wishing this person dead, you did not make their death happen. God has forgiven you. Who can argue with God? Now you must forgive yourself.

In the Our Father, when it says ‘‘Forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,’’ trespass used to be translated as debt. Trying to get repayment for certain kinds of debt is a fools errand that ends up destroying you. The question isn’t, ‘‘Will this person benefit from my forgiveness now that they’re gone?’’ The question is, can you let go of the debt this individual owes you, freeing yourself from their sins?

Have you ever read any of the diary of St. Faustian? It doesn’t contain anything new but Jesus reiterates what He already said in the Gospels. Its very good for building enthusiasm for Divine Mercy, forgiveness and making reparations for souls.

Try to see yourself through God’s eyes.:console:

 

[acadiANNA]

Maybe you could mention that in the confessional. Wishing someone dead is a sin. God forgives you if you have true sorrow. And forgive yourself for saying it. I like the idea of writing a letter to the person and then destroying it. Praying that you will find peace and move on. Then it will be a non-issue.

 

[EasterJoy]

I was in a situation where I was being shunned by someone who was angry with me but refused to talk about it. They only vented behind my back, where they thought I would not know what they were saying. To my face, they were civil but avoided me in ways I found very painful at the time. I felt as if I had been convicted, tried, and sentenced without being able to say a thing either in my own defense or even in apology for what I did do wrong. It was extremely upsetting. I had few I could talk to about it.

I was helped by the book, “How to Forgive: A Step-By-Step Guide” by John Monbourquette. It is about how to let go of ill will against those who have wronged us, even those who have not repented and do not want to reconcile. I picked what helped and let go of what did not, but on the whole I found the book very useful in moving forward. I think if you find a way to do that sort of work, the desire to see the person removed from any possibility of going their merry way without ever facing up to what they did to you will be something you can release, to your own benefit.

 

[acadiANNA]

My ex-friend was like the one you mentioned, EasterJoy. I have seen her take extreme pleasure in how she mistreats people, not only myself but many others. I have handled the exclusionary behavior gracefully in public but deep inside still carry the slights. I try to unite these feelings to the sufferings of Jesus. They still creep in now and then. And she has never agreed to talk about it face to face even with one of her closest friends and myself at the ‘meeting’. I have occasion to associate with her once a month at an organization we are involved in. I dropped out for 11 years and found that the animosity is still there with her. Praying for you and all who have suffered any form of rejection or abuse.

 

[Xantippe]

There was a person I knew in my childhood that was somewhat abusive to me. When I was 12, this person was in a coma. I never thought they would die because things like that only happened in the movies. But secretly, I though it would be a cool adventure if they did die.

So, anytime I think of forgiving this person, the guilt of wishing they would die, surfaces. I know I need to push through that and still forgive. However, I was hoping people could share stories of what has helped them forgive a dead person.

Angie

I think it might help a little to be around 12-year-olds (especially 12-year-olds that are like you used to be as a kid) and have a chance to see their mental processes.

I know that there are a number of things that I did as a child that I feel hugely embarrassed over, but I have the good fortune of having children of my own (12, 10 and 2). I see my kids doing and saying similar things and I forgive them and I cut kid me a little slack at the same time.

Best wishes!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Maybe you could mention that in the confessional. Wishing someone dead is a sin. God forgives you if you have true sorrow. And forgive yourself for saying it. I like the idea of writing a letter to the person and then destroying it. Praying that you will find peace and move on. Then it will be a non-issue.

Wishing someone dead is a sin?

 

[EasterJoy]

Wishing someone dead is a sin?

But if the wicked man turns away from all the sins he committed, if he keeps all my statutes and does what is right and just, he shall surely live, he shall not die. None of the crimes he committed shall be remembered against him; he shall live because of the virtue he has practiced. Do I indeed derive any pleasure from the death of the wicked? says the Lord GOD. Do I not rather rejoice when he turns from his evil way that he may live?** Ez. 18:21-23**

The Lord thirsts for the souls of those who have turned away from Him. We are also to hope for the repentance and amendment of the sinner. If they die without repenting, that becomes impossible. If their sin against us is culpable and grave and unrepented before they die, they could suffer unspeakably and perhaps even eternally. Therefore, it would be a sin to wish that anyone die, except in the hope that their death would mean the relief of earthly suffering or toil in favor of eternal union with God.

If you’re hoping that your enemy will die a good death, be reconciled with God, and be there to meet you in heaven when you die, I suppose there is no sin in that. To hope, in effect, that Our Lord Jesus will suffer the loss of a soul to the clutches of the devil or to not care if Our Lord suffers such a loss is surely sinful, though. We are to thirst for those things that Christ thirsts for, and we fail the call of our baptism if we yearn for the opposite.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

But if the wicked man turns away from all the sins he committed, if he keeps all my statutes and does what is right and just, he shall surely live, he shall not die. None of the crimes he committed shall be remembered against him; he shall live because of the virtue he has practiced. Do I indeed derive any pleasure from the death of the wicked? says the Lord GOD. Do I not rather rejoice when he turns from his evil way that he may live?** Ez. 18:21-23**

The Lord thirsts for the souls of those who have turned away from Him. We are also to hope for the repentance and amendment of the sinner. If they die without repenting, that becomes impossible. If their sin against us is culpable and grave and unrepented before they die, they could suffer unspeakably and perhaps even eternally. Therefore, it would be a sin to wish that anyone die, except in the hope that their death would mean the relief of earthly suffering or toil in favor of eternal union with God.

If you’re hoping that your enemy will die a good death, be reconciled with God, and be there to meet you in heaven when you die, I suppose there is no sin in that. To hope, in effect, that Our Lord Jesus will suffer the loss of a soul to the clutches of the devil or to not care if Our Lord suffers such a loss is surely sinful, though. We are to thirst for those things that Christ thirsts for, and we fail the call of our baptism if we yearn for the opposite.

This doers not jive with me personally. Or theologically. I think it not sinful to wish someone be removed from harming others or from causing evil and pain. And if that removal is death so be it. There are numerous psalms that call for the death of ones enemies. We do not go to war justly with the intent to convert. It never works that way. If we are in battle, and the enemies calls out that they have seen the light, but still are enemy combatants we do not say that the soldiers who killed them sinned.

Not to mention Psalm 109 and the USCCB explanation of it.

Appoint an evil one over him,
an accuser* to stand at his right hand,
7
That he may be judged and found guilty,
that his plea may be in vain.
8
May his days be few;
may another take his office.c
9
May his children be fatherless,
his wife, a widow.d
10
May his children wander and beg,
driven from their hovels.
11
May the usurer snare all he owns,
strangers plunder all he earns.
12
May no one treat him with mercy
or pity his fatherless children.
13
May his posterity be destroyed,e
their name rooted out in the next generation.
14
May his fathers’ guilt be mentioned to the LORD;
his mother’s sin not rooted out.f
15
May their guilt be always before the LORD,g
till their memory is banished from the earth,h
16
For he did not remember to show mercy,
but hounded the wretched poor
and brought death to the brokenhearted.
17
He loved cursing; may it come upon him;
he hated blessing; may none come to him.
18
May cursing clothe him like a robe;
may it enter his belly like water,
his bones like oil.
19
May it be near as the clothes he wears,
as the belt always around him.
20
*May this be the reward for my accusers from the LORD,
for those speaking evil against me.

• [Psalm 109] A lament notable for the length and vehemence of its prayer against evildoers (Ps 109:6–20); the cry to God (Ps 109:1) and the complaint (Ps 109:22–25) are brief in comparison. The psalmist is apparently the victim of a slander campaign, potentially devastating in a society where reputation and honor are paramount. In the emotional perspective of the Psalm, there are only two types of people: the wicked and their poor victims. The psalmist is a poor victim (Ps 109:22, 31) and by that fact a friend of God and enemy of the wicked. The psalmist seeks vindication not on the basis of personal virtue but because of God’s promise to protect the poor.

usccb.org/bible/psalms/109

Not to mention the praying of death for a suffering person, perhaps older with a terminal illness. While we uphold and defend life unto a natural death, praying for that death is not sinful.

I just don’t see where anyone could make the argument that the Church views praying for someones death sinful?
I consider it akin to praying for “the end of the world” which I do often. I trust God’s perfect Justice and Perfect Mercy and I find no problem praying for either of those things to be executed promptly to better a situation.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Psalm 13 is also relevant.

13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

I do not think it sinful to ask “how long o Lord” in the ways of your enemies.

How long O Lord until the righteous judge comes to set things right, to save the saved and damn the damned. It is only in His perfect Love and Perfect justice that these things will happen.

 

[Rosebud77]

By not forgiving you harm only yourself. Many years ago I nearly lost my freedom and my life through the actions of someone in authority misusing that power I struggled with forgiveness, kniwing it was the will of God that we forgive. Asked like you on forums. One man replied, from his heart,to ask for the grace to forgive. I did this daily in anguish. A while later I was outside my house when this person drove past. My whole body was immediately filled with acid. Pain. And I realised that the person who hated me was suffering too and that was a turning point and enabled me to pray for that person from the heart. No it did not stop the aggression or danger… but it was after that that God moved in my life to ave me from that whole situation in ways that were sheer miracles of His grace. Had he not done so I would not be alive now . Seriously I know that and give Him thanks daily. Pray for the grace to forgive and it will come. It will maybe be a bitter and hard thing to pray for as it was for me but persevere . That will heal you.