M
Maine52
Guest
I’m new around here, but I’ve been reading posts without being a member. I’ve been to counseling, talked with a priest, and read self-help books. I’m currently in the process of finding another counselor. I’m here to simply gain extra insight. I would gently ask for no one to suggest going to a priest or counselor, as I have already done that and intend to continue doing so. I would also gently ask everyone to refrain from judgement.
I’m a young adult, married 3 years with a 1 year old daughter. My parents and I generally have a close relationship. I grew up in a stable home, no financial troubles. I had my schooling paid for, didn’t have to get a job before I graduated college. We went on vacations to many different countries and I saw a lot of the world. My parents generally supported me, and I knew they did/do love me and care very much about me.
Looking back, though, I realize my parents had very poor parenting skills. I had very few limits and boundaries as a child. For example, I would watch as much TV as I wanted, ate a fair amount of excess junk food, and was never really made to do things like clean my room or pick up after myself. I guess they were able to “get away with” doing that because I had a gentle temperament as a child. For instance, if they did decide to lay down the law on a given day and limit my TV watching or make me clean my room, I would do so without arguing or back talking. The problem was consistency. For example, my mother would come up with a big, written-out plan of which two shows I was allowed to watch and enforce it for a day or two, and then let it all go and I would go back to having no limits. They also enforced no sense of consequences. If I carelessly broke an expensive toy, they would say, “Oh, that’s okay” and buy me another one. My parents probably didn’t see a problem because I wasn’t a wild child who acted spoiled. I was well behaved at school, and others complimented them on what a good child I was. But their less-than-ideal parenting didn’t go without consequences. As an adult, I am very lazy, watch too much TV, have little self-control when it comes to food, and find it difficult to have any sense of responsibility. I get by, but I could do better. My husband takes care of most things such as paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. (I lived at home until I got married and my parents took care of all of the above.) Sometimes I feel like he has another child to take care of… I now feel like I am parenting myself, giving myself limits and consequences that I didn’t have as a child. Habits, however, are hard to break.
Another issue is that while I had few limits placed as a child and few instances of “consequences to your actions,” my parents’ “discipline” came out on me in other ways that were not only counterproductive but detrimental. They would reprimand me for not having a smile on my face at a given time. They would yell at me because I spoke in a soft, difficult to hear voice and was shy around people I didn’t know well (as a five-year-old). They would tell me I was rude and lecture me for long periods because I didn’t always answer unfamiliar people when they talked to me (also as a five-year-old). They would say I was not grateful for my father going to work and breaking his back all day long, and if I were grateful I would have a smile on my face at all times. My mother told me that my father would not have to go to work if I weren’t taking swimming lessons, so I should make the most out of them and practice more. I grew up with a low sense of self-esteem and struggled with an overall sense of self. I felt like a bad child and a burden to my parents.
In addition, my parents had their fair share of marital problems, all of which I witnessed. Very loud angry yelling, slamming doors, my father driving off in a fit of rage, my mother crying hysterically, threats of divorce, and extreme general tension all took place right in front of me. I would become upset about all this, and they would reprimand me for being upset, saying it was all a perfectly normal way for married couples to behave and I should not expect life to be perfect.
As I got older, I gradually became alienated from everyone except my parents. My parents told me that they were the only people in the world I could trust and that no one else was trustworthy. Therefore, I had no friends and was always quite lonely. At one point in my teen years I became close to adults my parents’ age I met at church. My parents told me I had offended them by becoming close to these adults because I had more interest in them than in my parents. They said the Bible says honor your father and mother, and it doesn’t say anything about honoring older friends from church. They said, “We are the ones who have provided for you and sacrificed for you. What have they done that we didn’t do?” And so I felt guilty for betraying my parents by having friendships with older adults.
As an adult, I went through depression, went to counseling, and took medication. I talked with my parents about the role they had in me becoming depressed, and they said they understood, but, honestly, I don’t think it registers for them. They say I turned out so well and I truly think they think they were the greatest parents.
Now I am married, away from them, and am struggling to make peace with all this. I want to forgive them, but I just keep thinking about it.
I want to let it go. I think I could if they would just realize what they’ve done. But they don’t. They continue to exhibit hurtful behaviors over the phone and when they visit. How do I let it go if they don’t realize what they’ve done and continue to do things?
I am also afraid for what kind of mother I will be to my daughter, since I didn’t have exactly have a very stupendous example to follow.
Insights?
I’m a young adult, married 3 years with a 1 year old daughter. My parents and I generally have a close relationship. I grew up in a stable home, no financial troubles. I had my schooling paid for, didn’t have to get a job before I graduated college. We went on vacations to many different countries and I saw a lot of the world. My parents generally supported me, and I knew they did/do love me and care very much about me.
Looking back, though, I realize my parents had very poor parenting skills. I had very few limits and boundaries as a child. For example, I would watch as much TV as I wanted, ate a fair amount of excess junk food, and was never really made to do things like clean my room or pick up after myself. I guess they were able to “get away with” doing that because I had a gentle temperament as a child. For instance, if they did decide to lay down the law on a given day and limit my TV watching or make me clean my room, I would do so without arguing or back talking. The problem was consistency. For example, my mother would come up with a big, written-out plan of which two shows I was allowed to watch and enforce it for a day or two, and then let it all go and I would go back to having no limits. They also enforced no sense of consequences. If I carelessly broke an expensive toy, they would say, “Oh, that’s okay” and buy me another one. My parents probably didn’t see a problem because I wasn’t a wild child who acted spoiled. I was well behaved at school, and others complimented them on what a good child I was. But their less-than-ideal parenting didn’t go without consequences. As an adult, I am very lazy, watch too much TV, have little self-control when it comes to food, and find it difficult to have any sense of responsibility. I get by, but I could do better. My husband takes care of most things such as paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. (I lived at home until I got married and my parents took care of all of the above.) Sometimes I feel like he has another child to take care of… I now feel like I am parenting myself, giving myself limits and consequences that I didn’t have as a child. Habits, however, are hard to break.
Another issue is that while I had few limits placed as a child and few instances of “consequences to your actions,” my parents’ “discipline” came out on me in other ways that were not only counterproductive but detrimental. They would reprimand me for not having a smile on my face at a given time. They would yell at me because I spoke in a soft, difficult to hear voice and was shy around people I didn’t know well (as a five-year-old). They would tell me I was rude and lecture me for long periods because I didn’t always answer unfamiliar people when they talked to me (also as a five-year-old). They would say I was not grateful for my father going to work and breaking his back all day long, and if I were grateful I would have a smile on my face at all times. My mother told me that my father would not have to go to work if I weren’t taking swimming lessons, so I should make the most out of them and practice more. I grew up with a low sense of self-esteem and struggled with an overall sense of self. I felt like a bad child and a burden to my parents.
In addition, my parents had their fair share of marital problems, all of which I witnessed. Very loud angry yelling, slamming doors, my father driving off in a fit of rage, my mother crying hysterically, threats of divorce, and extreme general tension all took place right in front of me. I would become upset about all this, and they would reprimand me for being upset, saying it was all a perfectly normal way for married couples to behave and I should not expect life to be perfect.
As I got older, I gradually became alienated from everyone except my parents. My parents told me that they were the only people in the world I could trust and that no one else was trustworthy. Therefore, I had no friends and was always quite lonely. At one point in my teen years I became close to adults my parents’ age I met at church. My parents told me I had offended them by becoming close to these adults because I had more interest in them than in my parents. They said the Bible says honor your father and mother, and it doesn’t say anything about honoring older friends from church. They said, “We are the ones who have provided for you and sacrificed for you. What have they done that we didn’t do?” And so I felt guilty for betraying my parents by having friendships with older adults.
As an adult, I went through depression, went to counseling, and took medication. I talked with my parents about the role they had in me becoming depressed, and they said they understood, but, honestly, I don’t think it registers for them. They say I turned out so well and I truly think they think they were the greatest parents.
Now I am married, away from them, and am struggling to make peace with all this. I want to forgive them, but I just keep thinking about it.
I want to let it go. I think I could if they would just realize what they’ve done. But they don’t. They continue to exhibit hurtful behaviors over the phone and when they visit. How do I let it go if they don’t realize what they’ve done and continue to do things?I am also afraid for what kind of mother I will be to my daughter, since I didn’t have exactly have a very stupendous example to follow.
Insights?