Forgiving - I want to share---

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shannin

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As some of you know, I am divorced and seeking an annulment. I’d like to share…

When I was 19 years old I married the “man of my dreams”. He was good-looking, educated, and oh my he said all the right things. My parents loved him, my brother & sister loved him and my parish priest, Father Maloney, thought he was just fine, he even told my parents not to worry about my young age. So…we married. I was immature, inexperienced, a virgin…big Catholic wedding. He was a Protestant.

To make a very long sad story a little short, I ended up divorced at 27 years old with my two children. You see, he said that I was a “messy housekeeper” and had a “temper”. Sounds rather odd, I know. I thought marriage was supposed to be a sacrament, for life. I though things could be worked out. Actually, the real reason was because he found someone had else and eventually married her. I was alone with my 2 children, heartbroken. I am sure that some of you can understand the deep, deep hurt that I felt at the time.

Well, I went on with my life, raised the girls, got them through college, and they are happily married. I have 4 beautiful grandchildren & I’m blessed.

He is now gettingready to marry his third wife. He is now back in my daughters lives with his soon-to-be 3rd wife AND I DON’T WANT HIM THERE.

My question is: How do I forgive him. How do I forgive my daughters for accepting him so readily back into their lives after he left us, never gave any support. It hurts me so much when I hear my grandchildren talk about visiting him and his new girlfriend.

When people hurt us so deeply, it’s up to us to forgive and I need help on this.

Blessings,
Shannin
 
I have never been married so I can’t say how to forgive in this instance specifically, but I will say what I think briefly.

First of all make sure you pray for this gift and ask our Blessed Mother for help all the advice in the world will be usless unless you can ask God for the grace of opening your heart to it.
You have already shown your *willingness *to forgive by asking how to do it, so whether you realize it or not, you are making some progress:thumbsup: !
It helps to reflect on the things you already have…your beautiful children and your Catholic faith. I have found that holding a grudge being angry with someone doesn’t help AT ALL, and while I do this sometimes, I remind myself that it is better just to let things go and let the things you do have keep your heart at peace.
You said that your husband was protestant which would have meant his beliefs differed from yours…sometimes (as you probably know), for reasons we do not understand, God does not cause problems but allows terrible things to happen…we get angry or frustrated, which is normal…While this may not be the “reason” it happened maybe something was keeping you from getting closer to Our Lord and I know it is hard to accept now, but you may have lost one and gained another…being closer to Jesus is greater than a whole lifetime of everything going as we think it should.
Something like the Chaplet of Divine Mercy is a good help for forgiveness, but I will leave that up to you. I hope/pray that you will recieve some Divine asistance on this.
God bless you!
 
shannin,

The only way I’ve ever forgiven anybody is to pray the Our Father. I think I’ve prayed it 100 times a day for weeks about one transgression against me. Every time I thought of that person I had to say that prayer. And that persons deed against me was not as profound as the one against you.

For me it was that simple and difficult at the same time.

It may be difficult to do but when it happens you will be a better person for it. It’s good for the soul and very therapeutic.

Bill
 
Hi again Shannin,

I found a spiritual exercise you might want to review and work through. It’s entitled Healing of Memories for Oneself, from the book Orientations Vol I, by John Velti, S.J. You will probably be able to adapt the exercise to fit your situation.

Some of the folks who read my posts know I refer to this book a lot, but I do so with good reason. Here a link to the exercise, hope you find it helpful:

sentex.net/~jveltri/bob/page2.htm#41

BTW, hope your friend here in SA is doing OK, let me know if I can assist further. Peace and blessings, John
 
Has he asked your forgiveness? If he has, you are obligated to forgive. If he has not, then you are not obligated to “cast your pearls before swine”. In fact, Scripture admonishes you not to.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t in your best interest to be civil towards him in the best interest of the psychological welfare of your family.
 
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aman:
Has he asked your forgiveness? If he has, you are obligated to forgive. If he has not, then you are not obligated to “cast your pearls before swine”. In fact, Scripture admonishes you not to.

That doesn’t mean it isn’t in your best interest to be civil towards him in the best interest of the psychological welfare of your family.
Click to expand...
aman, I think yiou need to say the Our Father real slowly and think about the words.

As to Shannin, Don’t you think it’s about time to drop that load you’ve been carrying around all these years? It’s probably pretty heavy by now. If I were you I would make up my mind that “I am not angry at him for what he did to me and the kids any more. After all, he is starting on his 3rd wife now, I guess he actually did me a favor.” And let it go at that. That doesn’t mean you forget what happened but you just quit letting it bother you anymore. That shows you have forgiven him. To not hold it against him anymore but still being aware that it happened and that you are not going to let yourself be put in that situation again.
Christ just asks that you forgive for two reasons. One for your own mental health and the other because it goes against His laws. It hurts Him. He wants you to forgive others as you ask Him to forgive you.
I know it’s not easy but it is do-able. I, have been able to do it all my life because I found I didn’t like carrying all the garbage around. It made me sad, tired and unhappy. LIfe is difficult enough without carrying all that other stuff. Again, I remember what happened and try to learn from my mistakes but I’m a much happier person without the anger and hate.
As it has been said before, pray. Say three Memorare’s each day with the intention of getting rid of this weight. And think about Mary’s virtues and Jesus’ humility whenever you feel yourself getting angry or spiteful.
Anyway, I’ll let you go. What I have said may or may not help. Just remember that he probably isn’t the happiest camper in the world either since he is working on # 3 and I will bet that he wishes he had been around for the girls growing up.
God bless.
Whit
 
Speaking of the “Our Father”…the homily on Saturday at my parish was particularly geared towards that prayer, and the dangers it incurs upon those who pray it in earnest. It’s that line “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”

What it really means is, “Insasmuch as I have been (and am) able to forgive my fellow man, forgive me also.”

That is treacherous for us as followers of Christ, for He gave all, literally, much more than we could ever give, in exchange for our reconciliation with God the Father. We, on the other hand, have given little to those who have wronged us. Our Lord calls upon us to give all, yet forgives us for our inability to do so.

Pray that your spirit will be made meek and mild, as was that of Jesus Himself, in His perfect sacrifice for us. There will be injustice, but it will never be for naught.
 
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Melonie:
Speaking of the “Our Father”…the homily on Saturday at my parish was particularly geared towards that prayer, and the dangers it incurs upon those who pray it in earnest. It’s that line “forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us”

What it really means is, “Insasmuch as I have been (and am) able to forgive my fellow man, forgive me also.”

That is treacherous for us as followers of Christ, for He gave all, literally, much more than we could ever give, in exchange for our reconciliation with God the Father. We, on the other hand, have given little to those who have wronged us. Our Lord calls upon us to give all, yet forgives us for our inability to do so.

Pray that your spirit will be made meek and mild, as was that of Jesus Himself, in His perfect sacrifice for us. There will be injustice, but it will never be for naught.
Click to expand...
Yep, that is a scary phrase. I know that I am unable to live up to it as perfectly as I should but i do what I can and must rely on God’s mercy for the rest. But again it scares me and because of that I have to work harder on it.

As you say, Christ loves us and forgave us enough to submit to that horrible scourging, wear those terrible thorns, and be nailed on that wood until He died, all for our sins. It’s tough to think about trying to live up to that.
God bless, Whit
 
It is hard. I went through a bad divorce. Anyway, I have forced myself to forgive her so that my son can see that I truely live the words of Christ. She has not asked for it, but that does not matter. Anyway, pray. Pray. Pray. Then, pray. That is the only way. As far as the girls go, I say talk to them and see if they understand your feelings. I’ll bet then it will be easier to forgive them. Remember that he is their father, and as such they must honor him.
 
Like everyone else, I think you need to pray.

Pray for yourself. Pray for your daughters. Pray for your ex.

However, it may be unreasonable for you to expect you will FEEL good, or even neutral, about what has happened and what is still happening. That is entirely different than forgiving. You were wounded and old wounds often ache.

If you ask God not to hold the actions of your husband and your daughters against them and if you chose not to punish them then you HAVE forgiven them.
 
Hey Guys,

He did ask my forgivness several years ago and I can honestly say that I did forgive him at that time. Honest.

But after all these years, I’ve decided to get an annulment and he refuses to cooperate. I’m aware that I don’t need his cooperation to get an annulment BUT his mean-spirit towards me and the annulment process, knowing how much it means to me, really angers & hurts. He says he doesn’t believe in annulments and the Catholic Church has no right to tell him he wasn’t married.

It’s as if he can just go on and keep getting married and divorced and I can’t.

Also, I’m upset with my daughters for accepting him into their lives after all these years. I feel that I sacrificed so much of my life for them and now, after they are grown, he reappears.

I find myself crying a lot lately and bad feelings towards him are coming out - then I feel guilty for having the feelings.

Blessings,
Shannin
 
Its really a shame that your daughters cant at least support you in telling him he should grant you the help for the annulment…but, maybe they are afraid he will walk out of thier lives again. Forgiving him doesnt mean you have to have him over for holidays or eat dinner with everyone as a family…or show up at one his future scandalous weddings. Your kids forgave him, so just let it go…and go on with your annulment from the CREEP…and dont forget to alert the tribunal of his other marriages and newest relationship! They will DEFINATELY take that into consideration as to how he doesnt have a concept of what marriage means…make sure they know he is protestant as well. God bless. 🙂
 
your daughters only want to know who there dad is now firsthand. Unfortunatly it sounds like they will be hurt in trying to find this out. They will have to come to their own realizations by themselves, you can’t do it for them. Your daughters are not going to pick your husband over you. You cared for them when they needed care he did not. But humanly they have to accept who he is to and try to understand why he has made the decisions he has made.
 
You’re right, Meggie. I know that they need to get to know him.

When someone hurts us I guess the burden is on us to forgive completely. My problem is that just when I think I have forgiven him, he does something else. That’s why I want the annulment after all these years, because then, in my mind, I will finally be free. Hope this makes sense.

Thanks again, all of you.

Blessings,
Shannin
 
shannin,

I understand what you mean. But you don’t need to forgive his actions, he is not doing these things to get back at you or to hurt you, he is doing them becasue he is selfish and self-serving. He needs forgiveness from God, and feeling you constantly forgive him only causes frustration in yourself. It wouldn’t be wrong to build a good defense mechinism against hime either. The sooner you can build one, the stronger it will be if he ever hurts your daughters.

Sincerly,
Meggie
 
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shannin:
As some of you know, I am divorced and seeking an annulment. I’d like to share…

When I was 19 years old I married the “man of my dreams”. He was good-looking, educated, and oh my he said all the right things. My parents loved him, my brother & sister loved him and my parish priest, Father Maloney, thought he was just fine, he even told my parents not to worry about my young age. So…we married. I was immature, inexperienced, a virgin…big Catholic wedding. He was a Protestant.

To make a very long sad story a little short, I ended up divorced at 27 years old with my two children. You see, he said that I was a “messy housekeeper” and had a “temper”. Sounds rather odd, I know. I thought marriage was supposed to be a sacrament, for life. I though things could be worked out. Actually, the real reason was because he found someone had else and eventually married her. I was alone with my 2 children, heartbroken. I am sure that some of you can understand the deep, deep hurt that I felt at the time.

Well, I went on with my life, raised the girls, got them through college, and they are happily married. I have 4 beautiful grandchildren & I’m blessed.

He is now gettingready to marry his third wife. He is now back in my daughters lives with his soon-to-be 3rd wife AND I DON’T WANT HIM THERE.

My question is: How do I forgive him. How do I forgive my daughters for accepting him so readily back into their lives after he left us, never gave any support. It hurts me so much when I hear my grandchildren talk about visiting him and his new girlfriend.

When people hurt us so deeply, it’s up to us to forgive and I need help on this.

Blessings,
Shannin
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If i had the answer to this one i would be a millionaire… but i don’t! I will say this… you will forgive when your ready… and you will only be ready when you can let the hurt go… how do you let that type of hurt go… i told you that if i knew that i would be rich… I recommend a rosary every day, and daily mass if possible, and confession frequently, (you decide how frequent), now the funny thing about going to God and asking forgiveness, is that he expects you to do the same… I wish you peace, and love for you and your family… if i had a keystroke to take away some or all of your pain, know that i would gladly do that… Everyone reading your post shares in your hurt and hopes you find the peace and happiness that you wish and deserve… 👍
 
I was not going to reply because all have already stated the obvious - that we must pray for the graces from God to do what we know we must, even though we don’t want to. But I just thought of another thought that hasn’t been touched on here.

You are the Catholic, it is you who have everything, he has nothing. It might be hard to forgive him but it would be a whole lot easier to feel sorry for him - he is already on his third wife. He will be judged by God, he will be accountable for all his “tresspasses”. He is accountable for your 2 girls - where was he? Do not think that God will look at him with the loving eyes of a father. He will look at him with the judging eyes of a Father. He DID NOT do is duty in life - he will be judged accordingly. Feel sorry for him for having lost the game and pray for him, he will need it.
 
Shannin,
You read my book!!! I went through a similar situation. Married at 17 for 20 years. This man put me through so much hell I ended up in the hospital twice. My depression was so bad I could not function My parents divorced when I was very young, so I was determined to make my marriage last. We have been divorced for 9 years. I am now 44 years old and very happy with my present husband.
My daughter (27), who is married and has a child and my son (24) both spend more time with their dad and his wife than they do with me. Like you, I raised them and constantly protected them from their Father. He was more emotionally cruel than he was physically. All he ever did was critize them…“you’re so fat”…“you’re so dumb”…“I can’t wait till you move out”…and he never hugged them, sat them on his lap, or told them a story. He was just a very selfish and cruel man.
My grandson is much closer to my X and his wife than he is to me. It hurts so bad at times I feel it’s going to kill me. How do I deal with this? My children know I love them. They don’t know their Father loves them and are constantly trying to win his love and approval. Like you, I pray for him and his wife every day and then I have to accept whatever happens. It takes everything I have to not talk bad about him (as much as I want to :-), but I know my children know without me reminding them.
Just keep in mind he is their dad and they want to have a relationship with him regardless of what he has done to you or to them in the past. They will admire you for allowing them to have that time without feeling guilty for doing so.
It’s very difficult and from experience I can’t say it gets any easier. We just learn to accept it is all.

You are in my prayers! Let me know how it goes!
Gina
 
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