Forgiving My Unfaithful Father

[Nonzi]

When someone wrongs us and says they’re sorry, what is our forgiveness supposed to look like?

To explain my situation, I must be extremely blunt.

My dad has been unfaithful in his marriage to my mother pretty much since the beginning. He has never really been there for me and my siblings (he moved away to live with his mom when I was 8 and came back around my 14 birthday). He also has a quick temper.

My mother is such a sweet person and completely unworthy of such a marriage.

About a three years ago my father re-devoted his life to the Jesus and Catholic Church. I was so proud, forgave him for everything and trusted him fully.

Last year, I found out he was cheating again and was heartbroken when I had to tell my mother. My faith in him was shattered.

Three months ago my father had to have a surgery. During so, he had high blood pressure and had a stroke. It was every minor, but he can’t do much on his own now. We later found out that he was still messaging his many “side-chicks” (no disrespect intended) the DAY of the surgery telling them he couldn’t see them for a little while. He has also been paying for a few of the women’s cellphone bills and has “gifted” in total about $70,000 of our funds to them over the years.

To bring us back to today, he is fully conscious, but can’t walk very well and is not too mobile. My mother changes his diaper multiple times a day and cooks his every meal. She does everything with such kindness, yet he is still impatient with her. He seems so oblivious to the fact that he has torn our family apart.

My father has told me he is sorry and that he is a new man now. As a Christian I choose to forgive him. But what does that entail? Do I move on as though he has done no wrong?

(I am sorry that I am asking this on the internet, but I have no other Catholic’s to talk to. I live in a small town with one Catholic church ((the one we attend)) and everyone there loves my dad and believes him to be the perfect example of husband and father. Everyone would believe me to be lying about his true colors)

Thank you for taking the time to read

 

[Anicette]

I am sorry Monzi for everything that happens to your family, to your fathers’ faults and what is not his fault, his disability.

I think that forgiveness does not include necessary trust, if we had been personally hurt, and that could happen again. But in your situation, I think that your mother is the first to have been hurt by all the situation, the betrayal of course, and the disability. And because of your current father’s health, maybe that is less likely that he will do it again.

I don’t know the heart of your mother and if she resents him or have forgave him. But what she chooses to do daily, to care for her husband when it is tempting to dream to leave him alone in deep needs, is what “forgiveness” is in action.

Maybe forgiveness in like that. An act of mercy put again and again toward an person in need. And while everybody who knows the family don’t know how he have hurt is family is another cross to bear in silence.

Maybe the only thing you could do is to pray that the heart of your father will turn to his wife exclusively, and that she will be able to endure the situation. To be kind to your parents, and to support them in pratical way the best you can. But you don’t have to approve your father’s sins.

Prayers for you and your family, you have gone to so much.

 

[AdamP88]

Your mother sounds like a saint. She has ample reason to simply walk away and wash her hands of the situation.

You can forgive him, but that doesn’t mean you have to act like everything is ok. He sounds like a user and a manipulator and right now it sounds like he simply knows he is dependent.

If it were me I would keep a distance emotionally and try not to get your hopes up that he’s really changed. He may have, but it takes time to see that.

 

[Anicette]

The advise of AdamP88 is pessimistic, but at least realistic. It is less likely that many women would be attracted by the idea of an adulterous affair with a depend man, but he can find others way to be unfaithfull or hurting his wife or family.

So to not have great exceptations but just acceptation of the situation is already difficult and enough. And if he truly prooves before the end of his journey on earth that he is a new man, you would be more greatfull as you would not have been deceived in hope but blessed.

 

[AdamP88]

The advise of AdamP88 is pessimistic, but at least realistic.

Because I’ve been there. And there’s no point waiting for years hoping someone will change. You either accept the way they are and lower your expectations or live with constant disappointment.

 

[Legend]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is definitely a good starting point. Yes, accept him…as the fallen, broken man that he is. Accept the fact that your mom seems to have truly ‘forgiven and forgotten’, but don’t feel you have to do likewise. Your mother is acting in a truly saint-like way. Whether your father has merited such a level of trust remains to be seen.

Sometimes, it’s easier to focus on what forgiveness is not. It’s not completely forgetting what the person has said and done. It’s not reconciliation, necessarily. More like a basic acceptance, and allowing the person to work his way back to your love and trust.

It’s not only acceptable to keep an eye on his true actions, but, in this case it’s wise. He spent a lot of money on those other relationships…money I’m sure your mom, and the rest of the family, could have used. Watch out for any money that is legally yours. And try to get your mom to be careful with her credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Ideally, her accounts and his should be kept separate!

These are difficult times, with the pandemic. So, be careful, stay as safe as possible…and of course, God Bless!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

As a Christian I choose to forgive him. But what does that entail? Do I move on as though he has done no wrong?

You forgive him. You pray for him. You pray for yourself that you’ll be able to let go of the pain he caused you by being a less-than-stellar father. You let your mother handle her own relationship with your dad, it’s between them and it sounds like he is not in a position to do her serious harm any more. Although you may want to make sure he does not have any more access to the family money.

Ask Jesus to help you forgive. It’s likely not going to happen overnight, it will be a long process of you asking Jesus to help you and letting go of your anger little by little.

 

[Matthew625]

You did the Christian thing and forgave him. But that is not acceptance of his sins.

Maybe I am more of a pessimist in this case then a few others here but for me you have the right to never talk to your father again if that is what is best for you. Your mom is responsible for her own choice and she has done that and your choice (which I think is what you are asking for) Is your own.

Your father have hurt you…so many times. You forgive him in order to do what is right but if you want no part of his life anymore even though he is changed you have the right to do that…Even if he really was changed (which it doesn’t sound like but not something I can judge or have the right to) he has hurt you so many times that you can walk away. You owe him NOTHING. Him turning back to GOD is between him and God. You do what is right for your own wellbeing. No matter what that would entail.

We are called to forgiveness but we must look after ourselves first. And here I am talking about our mental wellbeing.

 

[Norseman82]

He has also been paying for a few of the women’s cellphone bills and has “gifted” in total about $70,000 of our funds to them over the years.

He seems so oblivious to the fact that he has torn our family apart.

The above is troubling. I don’t know if the “obliviousness” is due to the stroke, but he needs to come to terms with this before he has to give an account of his life.

I also believe that legal precautions should be taken so that his money goes to his care and is not siphoned off to the “homewreckers”.

 

[Legend]

^^^^^^

A very wise precaution to take!