Friend converted to Protestant

[Robster]

My good friend/roomate converted to Protestant a while back and it’s been a little difficult to talk about religion or even pray around him. I guess I find it hard to believe and I still don’t want to accept it. I still love him as a good friend but religion is just a huge part of my life. It’s difficult to wake up on Sundays and go to church and not be able to communicate what happened or anything like that. I just got back from hanging out at one of his friends house and they were talking about their church; I felt really out of place like I didn’t belong. When you consider yourself hardcore Catholic and your around people who are hardcore non-catholic…what do you do? He’s always reading christian books and I’m always reading catholic books trying to improve why we believe what we believe. I have never read so many books because of this cause, but I feel like the only person I’m helping is myself and not my roomate. Although I have grown in my faith and knowledge I still am stumped when it comes to defending it or figuring out what to do with the situation between my roomate and I. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle such situations?

-Robster

 

[Courtneyjo]

“…but I feel like the only person I’m helping is myself and not my roommate…”

Your roommate did not stay firm in his faith; sometimes one has to work at it and for whatever reason he didn’t, gave into the temptation to go elsewhere and now you, his friend, are broken-hearted and are grieving for him and for your lost friendship.

On the other hand, it sounds as if God is using this an an opportunity for you to renew and strengthen your faith. You cannot save your roommate; only God can do that. You can continue to set a good example being joyful on Sundays, looking forward to Mass, and receiving the Body and Blood of Christ. Your friend gave this up; think how Christ must be grieving.

Look at this as an opportunity to explore the world outside of this friendship, make other friends who will uphold you in your faith, so that you don’t feel left out. You may need to get another roommate, but that is part of life. You come to a fork in the road, you do what is best in your walk with the Lord, and say a daily prayer for your friend. God will bless you for it.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Robster:

When you consider yourself hardcore Catholic and your around people who are hardcore non-catholic…what do you do? He’s always reading christian books and I’m always reading catholic books trying to improve why we believe what we believe. I have never read so many books because of this cause, but I feel like the only person I’m helping is myself and not my roomate. Although I have grown in my faith and knowledge I still am stumped when it comes to defending it or figuring out what to do with the situation between my roomate and I. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle such situations?

I can understand that you are concerned for your roommate. As a hardcore Catholic, I suggest you search for those things which you both believe in common and focus on those things. Protestants often have a wonderful focus on Jesus and a devotion to understanding the Bible (and much of their Biblical understanding does agree with the Church teachings, though some critical points don’t.) There are many, many different Protestant churches. Some embrace sexual morals very similar to Church teachings. Others are more secular with sexual morals, but embrace the social teachings of the Catholic church. Find out more about your roommates new church (often this will depend completely on the pastor) and learn what we share in common with them.

Be sure you know your own Catholic faith well before seeking this common ground. (Some Catholics seeking this end up becoming Protestant either by actually joining a Protestant church, or by remaining in the Catholic Church but dissenting on many teachings.) It’s great that you read the books so that you can defend to yourself that the Catholic Church teachings are Biblical and true, and be ready to defend the faith to him if needed.

Don’t ignore that he has found something in his new church that he didn’t find in the Catholic Church; (that’s probably not because it was truly lacking in the Church, but he simply didn’t find it.) If you don’t know what it was that lead him to join this other church, find out. Don’t be judgemental or defensive, (easier said than done, but pray for the grace.) Ask him about his new faith and listen for clues that God is working in his life. If you are able to reflect those same things in your own walk as a Catholic, all the better.

Above all, pray. (Don’t just use this as a time to learn about the Catholic church more, because book knowledge without the personal relationship with God is pretty useless.) If you get signs that this new church isn’t just leading him away from the Catholic church but also away from God, fast too. If you find that these discussion start to lead you to doubts of the Catholic Church, confess these doubts in the Sacrament of Confession, and remain close to Jesus in the Sacraments. If you have access to adoration, spend regular time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. (And I’m a big believer in the intercession of the saints, so I also recommend asking the intercession of his namesake saints and maybe find out his confirmation name too. Also when praying for Protestants, I like the saints from the time of the Reformation such as St. Teresa of Avila, St. Francis de Sales, and some of the earlier Church fathers who knew how to fight heresy such as St. Polycarp.)

Tomorrow at Sunday Mass, I suggest you offer your Communion for your roomate, because he no longer has access to Jesus in this beautiful way.

 

[Robster]

Good advice! Thank your for your comments. I will try my best to stick to what I believe; to create a firm foundation on my faith, so when I’m pressured I will not doubt and give up. I just pray that God gives my the strength and wisdom that I need to fulfill this blessing. I will also continue to pray for my friend and hope that God will guide him back to the Church.

I was wondering if you could recomend some good books that will help me grow more in my spiritual life and knowledge. Here are the ones I’ve already read:

Catholicism for Dummies
This is the Faith
Rome Sweet Home
Lambs Supper
Case for Christ
The History of the Bible
The Good News about Sex and Marraige
Here I Am to Worship

 

[sententia]

Theology and Sanity, by sheed

 

[gardenswithkids]

Robster:

I was wondering if you could recomend some good books that will help me grow more in my spiritual life and knowledge.

I’ve read many on your list, and you’ve made some good choices. My first two recommended books probably go without saying:

The Bible (There are a number of recently published Catholic Bible study aids by people such as Scott Hahn, Jeff Cavins.)

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (The larger volume has a better index in the back so it’s easier to find information.)

I also personally love reading the writings of the Saints. (With some of the translations and older writing, the style can sometimes take a while to get used to, but it’s well worth doing.) St Teresa of Avila wrote several that I found very helpful. St. Francis de Sales wrote a smaller book called The Art of Loving God that is very nice and easy to read. I also like other Catholic classics such as The Imitation of Christ, and biographies of saints. I find books like these really help me grow in my spiritual life.

For apologetics books to increase your knowledge a simple one to quickly answer questions is Where’s That in the Bible?. If your friend is now a fundamentalist (rarely will a person actually call himself that), I recommend one called Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic. (The author wrote it to explain to his Fundamentalist family and friends why he converted to Catholicism, and it addresses common questions about our faith.) Also the collection of conversion stories such as** Surprised by Truth** gives good reasons why devoted Protestants (often clergy) convert to Catholicism. The bookstore here at Catholic Answers has a lot of other good choices too.

 

[tossolul]

I have been kind of going through the same thing as you lately -except for the fact that my room mate happens to be my husband. What I’ve learned in my situation is that sometimes trying too hard will only cause things to go backwards. But that is only my situation, perhaps and hopefully by talking with your roomate you will be able to help him to realize the True path. I have had to seemingly let go and trust that God has a plan that I do not see right now. I’ve also learned the best way to show someone the Truth is through humility, obedience, and personal example. It is sometimes hard for me to not allow myself to give rebutals to many arguements, but there are many times where I’ve found it better to not speak to my husband about these things, but instead speak about them to God- to allow him to work through me so there are no arguements.

One common dividing factor typically seems to be Mary and the Saints. You asked for book ref.- maybe you could try ‘True Devotion to Mary’, by St. Louis De Montefort. A book written by a Saint about Mary- probably one of the last books he may want to read right now, but I’ve heard it’s one of the best at explaining Mary’s role in the Catholic Faith.

It is wonderful that you care so much about your relationship that you want to lead him back home. May God bless you and your efforts.

 

[gardenswithkids]

tossolul:

I have been kind of going through the same thing as you lately -except for the fact that my room mate happens to be my husband. What I’ve learned in my situation is that sometimes trying too hard will only cause things to go backwards.

That is really good advice. Pushing too hard usually makes things worse.

I also married to a Protestant, and we somehow managed not to fight about our faith. But we discussed God, the Bible and our faith a lot, focussing on the things we had in common while recognizing the differences. I never tried to convert him, but after many years converted. (After he became Catholic, I started pushing him to accept every single Church teaching because I finally accepted them, and only *then *did we fight about religion. )

I think tossolul is right to take her concerns to God if discussing religion turns simply just creates arguments. Even if you don’t fight, prayer is still a critical part of this whole process, and of our lives as Christians.

There’s a couple of good books that address how to discuss religion without arguing with those who don’t agree with Catholicism. One is How Not to Share Your Faith and the other is Search and Rescue.

Tossolul, I’ll pray for the situation with you and your husband.

 

[buffalo]

I would call it a step backward not a conversion. When, the conversation allows ask him " Why did you take a step backward?" - less truth versus more truth? It may make him think and give you an opening.

Some think this is a lateral movement.

 

[Island_Oak]

Robster:

My good friend/roomate converted to Protestant a while back and it’s been a little difficult to talk about religion or even pray around him.

Why? Is there no way for you to be inquisitive about his faith experience because it differs from your own?

I guess I find it hard to believe and I still don’t want to accept it. I still love him as a good friend but religion is just a huge part of my life…

…sounds like it’s a huge part of his as well.

It’s difficult to wake up on Sundays and go to church and not be able to communicate what happened or anything like that.

Again…why?! Even among Catholics there is rarely perfect agreement or identical ways of living out our faith.

I just got back from hanging out at one of his friends house and they were talking about their church; I felt really out of place like I didn’t belong. When you consider yourself hardcore Catholic and your around people who are hardcore non-catholic…what do you do?

How’s about you find a way to engage them in dialog (not debate) about their church, faith, etc. Maybe all of you will learn something about the other and maybe even yourself.

…I feel like the only person I’m helping is myself and not my roomate. Although I have grown in my faith and knowledge I still am stumped when it comes to defending it or figuring out what to do with the situation between my roomate and I.

Is he looking, asking for, in need of help? He’s not stuck in a mine shaft, he’s exploring his religious faith and affiliation. He could be out drinking, gambling, dabbling in porn or sleeping with countless numbers of women. I’m missing the angst and tragedy of this situation. This may be a process your friend needs to go through. Be grateful he is actively keeping close to the Lord, even though it’s not in the manner you believe is the most direct route. He may or may not return to Catholicism, but I fail to see how that would have any bearing on your friendship, respect or affection for him. Many of us have wonderful friends who have never been nor ever will be Catholic. We can be wonderful witnesses in the world, but it is always up to God to draw people to Him. He knows the best and most effective pathway–TRUST.

 

[Robster]

In response to island oak:

I don’t know everything about my religion and I don’t think I will ever know everything. In that since it’s hard sometimes to feel confident in my faith life. When someone introduces me to something new I’m always anxious to learn, but sometimes it feels like there is no one right way. I have always tried to do things by the book knowing that when I do something I will have accomplished it the right way and feel as though I have suceeded. I will feel that sense of accomplishment. Most of the time with my Catholic faith I don’t ever feel that sense that I am doing the right thing. When I see my friend whom is older and smarter than I convert to a different religion it makes me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just doing it. I see him do this with out an explination or a reason and feel a little abandoned and left behind. It’s almost an insult. This is why I see it in a negitive way. I want the best for my friends just like anyone else and I have accepted the fact that this is Gods plan for him. I just don’t see why since he has invested so much time into increasing his knowledge on the faith. He knows alot more than I, so I’m affraid what will happen to my way of thinking if I talk to him. It’s already in a jumbled state.

 

[aimee]

Robster:

In response to island oak:

I don’t know everything about my religion and I don’t think I will ever know everything. In that since it’s hard sometimes to feel confident in my faith life. When someone introduces me to something new I’m always anxious to learn, but sometimes it feels like there is no one right way. I have always tried to do things by the book knowing that when I do something I will have accomplished it the right way and feel as though I have suceeded. I will feel that sense of accomplishment. Most of the time with my Catholic faith I don’t ever feel that sense that I am doing the right thing. When I see my friend whom is older and smarter than I convert to a different religion it makes me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just doing it. I see him do this with out an explination or a reason and feel a little abandoned and left behind. It’s almost an insult. This is why I see it in a negitive way. I want the best for my friends just like anyone else and I have accepted the fact that this is Gods plan for him. I just don’t see why since he has invested so much time into increasing his knowledge on the faith. He knows alot more than I, so I’m affraid what will happen to my way of thinking if I talk to him. It’s already in a jumbled state.

No other church has Jesus in the Body and Blood of Christ in Euchrist we receive each time we go to Mass. I will not settle for less than what I have…That takes care of it for me. Also, we never quit learning about our faith…so we continue …

 

[Island_Oak]

Robster:

In response to island oak: I have always tried to do things by the book knowing that when I do something I will have accomplished it the right way and feel as though I have suceeded. I will feel that sense of accomplishment. Most of the time with my Catholic faith I don’t ever feel that sense that I am doing the right thing.

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grow in your faith and no two people take exactly the same path. Some of our greatest saints started out as monumental sinners. Give yourself time and God a little patience–you can’t expect to be given a lifetime’s worth of insight, knowledge or wisdom in your early 20s.

When I see my friend whom is older and smarter than I convert to a different religion it makes me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m just doing it. I see him do this with out an explination or a reason and feel a little abandoned and left behind. It’s almost an insult…He knows alot more than I, so I’m affraid what will happen to my way of thinking if I talk to him. It’s already in a jumbled state.

You ARE in a bit of a jumbled state. For some reason you are taking what is a very personal, individual experience of someone else and projecting all this negative emotional energy into it and then taking his decisions as personal rejection. This really has nothing to do with you. If you find yourself so intimidated by him, perhaps a time-out is in order. Otherwise, how does his faith journey have ANY bearing on yours?

 

[Robster]

This really has nothing to do with you

How does this have nothing to do with me? This person is like a brother to me and has always been. I see him every day and put a lot of effort into this friendship…I think it has a little to do with me. I’m not trying to be at all selfish, but if I say it has nothing to with me then what kind of friend am I not to be a little concerned.

“A man of conscience, is one who never acquires tolerance, well- being, success, public standing, and approval on the part of prevailing opinion, at the expense of truth.” Pope Benedict XVI

The part where it says prevailing opinion at the expense of truth; I truly believe this. I’m not looking for my opinion to be more right and I am open to understanding new things. I’m just saying that it’s frustrating to have a situation like this. Part of me thinks that my friend has just given up and went on to something easier and part of me thinks that he has found something greater and the good old days of hangin out at the church with my friend are long gone. This for some reason to you deserves no negitive attention? Just to be happy with his decision and wish him a happy journey is just a little difficult to do.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Robster:

How does this have nothing to do with me? This person is like a brother to me and has always been…

We are all interconnected, so in a small way everyone’s spiritual journey effects us. As this person walked closely with you in the past, this change effects you more, but you should not take his decision to change churches as a personal rejection. The book of Acts shows us that even St, Paul and his companion Silas went separate ways. If God is taking you in separate directions, perhaps He has plans for you that you have not yet imagined. Sometimes we can grow too dependent on other people’s faith to support our own, and we must learn to rely on God.

Robster:

Part of me thinks that my friend has just given up and went on to something easier and part of me thinks that he has found something greater,.

Both parts might be right.

The Catholic teachings can be hard to understand, and even harder to follow sometimes. You mentioned your friend was smarter than you. I think this can be especially difficult for intelligent people who are used to relying on their minds for understanding before they submit their actions. When parts don’t make sense to them, the habit of relying on their own understanding takes over. As Proverbs reminds us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.” It’s not easy to trust when it doesn’t make sense, and it sometimes seems easier to leave.

Your second thought that your friend has found something greater may also be correct. Many leave the Church and report they found a personal relationship with Christ in their new church. If your friend had book knowledge of Catholicism, without that personal relationship to Christ, he may have found something greater. “To be well versed in Scripture and all the sayings of philosophers will not profit you if you are without God’s love and His grace.” (from The Imitation of Christ)

I have evangelical friends, and I am very impressed by the personal relationship many of them have with Jesus. To be honest, few speak of that as freely in the Catholic Church. Maybe your friend experienced mostly just book knowledge in the Catholic Church, but not the Living God. Following all the rules and regulations of Catholicism leaves many feeling empty if they don’t experience God’s love and grace.

Robster:

…and the good old days of hangin out at the church with my friend are long gone.

Yes, the “good old days” of just hanging out at church with that friend are gone. Look up at the crucifix to see the Friend you’re hanging out with now.

 

[Island_Oak]

Robster:

How does this have nothing to do with me? This person is like a brother to me and has always been. I see him every day and put a lot of effort into this friendship…I think it has a little to do with me. I’m not trying to be at all selfish, but if I say it has nothing to with me then what kind of friend am I not to be a little concerned…

No offense at all intended, but given the tone of some of your responses I would suggest a little breathing space in this relationship is in order for both of you. Have you considered the possibility that this “change” may signal his need for a little space in this very personal aspect of his life?
If, after taking a break, you still have genuine concerns about your friend and his choices–bring those concerns to him and LISTEN. For now, your focus and obsessive concern over his religious choices seem unusal, unfounded and more than a little intense for a healthy friendship. Perhaps you need to add a few activities to your own life to round things out a little?

 

[tossolul]

Island Oak:

your focus and obsessive concern over his religious choices seem unusal, unfounded and more than a little intense for a healthy friendship.

No offense…but I think more people should be as passionate and concerned about others as this man. How can you call this obsessive? This is a GOOD friend of his, not just some passing aquaintance. They shared their faith in the past, and he has now lost that closeness. He doesn’t understand why his friend changed, and he knows as a Catholic that the change is not for the better- so he is rightly concerned and wants to help.

There is an intimacy and closeness that comes with sharing your faith with someone. When that is not there, or when that is taken away you truely feel a definate loss in the relationship. There is no way around it- the same closeness no longer exists. I know this for a fact, because I deal with it with my husband. It is also something that saddens me… knowing that we will never be able to have that closeness that comes with sharing your faith. When I come on a forum like this, and see so many sharing there faith with each other so freely- people that you’ve never even met…and then realize that I will never be able to do somehting like that with the person who should be closest to me- it also saddens me, and makes me want to know what I could do to try to make him see things that he’s not understanding. I havn’t come up with a good solution, but as soon as I do I’ll let you know Rob.

Don’t give up. I believe your doing everything right.