Friend getting married--what's my obligation?

[Caroline723]

Thank you for the responses. I am still quite torn over this. I have thought and prayed over this, but it is not any clearer to me how I should respond.

Here is some additional information about the situation:

My friend (I’ll call her Lily) is engaged to Dave. Lily is 38 and has always felt called to marriage and particularly to motherhood. She is the oldest of nine, and she has worked as a teacher in a daycare for 15 years. I am worried that she may feel that Dave is her last chance to have biological children and is willing to turn a blind eye to behavior that should not be ignored.

Dave is very controlling. He picked the date of their wedding, the place, what they registered for, and even the wedding colors. The only thing he didn’t pick was the dress. He did tell me when Lily wasn’t around that he’d snuck into her closet to look at her dress, even though she wanted to keep it a surprise. Lily was especially upset about the location of the wedding. They are getting married at a Catholic church near his family (even thought he is Lutheran) instead of her church that she has gone to her entire life. The still haven’t gone to Pre-Cana, even though the wedding is seven weeks away. He says that the church is very “laid back” about things like this (???)

He also insisted that they needed a long engagement (more than 18 months) to save money for the ceremony. He was planning to take extra shifts at work to save up for the wedding. However, he hasn’t taken a single available extra shift in the entire time and has saved no money to pay for wedding expenses. With Lily’s age, every month could be crucial for them if they were to hope to get pregnant. Lily feels that precious time has been lost with nothing to show for it.

I’ve caught him in several untruths and exaggerations, including claiming he’s been on a cruise that it was clear he hadn’t, saying his IQ is over 150, and other weird statements. He also constantly argues about things that have definitive right and wrong answers. He insisted that Orlando is closer to Chicago than Niagara Falls is and was getting angry when I showed him the distances on the map.

One of the most disturbing things is that he has a short temper and is not respectful of other people. He once yelled at a young restaurant server because the server asked to see his ID because the signature on Dave’s credit card wasn’t legible. He claimed the server was calling him a thief and a liar. Even though everyone was telling him that it was for his own protection, he was getting belligerent. He is a sheriff’s deputy, so he should know better. Lily ended up putting down her credit card to diffuse the situation, and Dave stormed out of the restaurant.

I have never seen him do anything abusive to Lily, but it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if he did.

Just last week, Lily’s boss told her that she seemed very unhappy and that she should think and pray about whether she really wants to go through with this wedding. Lily claims that they are just fighting before the wedding because wedding planning is so stressful. My DH and I were stressed about some of our wedding planning, but we never got into big arguments about it. She has called me more than once crying about how stressed she is and how much he upsets her.

These are just some examples off the top of my head (and I don’t want to create a 14-page post). He just seems to be an angry, short-tempered, controlling person who doesn’t respect others. I know my friend deserves so much more from a husband. I really think God wants more for her.

I have made some gentle and general statements encouraging her to think this over, but she hasn’t been receptive. I haven’t had a long talk with her where I’ve spelled out all my concerns. I fear that if they do get married, they’ll either end up divorced or she will be miserable for the rest of her life.

I am leaning toward having a very frank discussion with her. However, if she does go through with the wedding, I feel our friendship will be very badly damaged. If she calls it off and never has biological children, I wonder if she will always blame me. It feels like a no-win situation. Any prayers and insights are much appreciated!

He sounds like he has strong narcissistic tendencies.

You are probably right that Lily feels like at 38 her options are running out, and relationships are harder to form. However, if she has worked in daycare for 15 years, she probably is painfully aware of effects of bad and broken marriages on children. Every child deserves a loving home, and Lily may feel that more passionately than people who do not interact daily with little kids from these types of homes. If other people are noticing that she seems unhappy, she may be struggling with doubts herself.

It may cost you the friendship and she may marry him anyhow, but I think you should say something to her. Do it calmly, and tell her in advance that you want to talk to her about Dave, so she has some inkling ahead of time that it’s going to be a serious conversation. Ultimately, she has a natural right to marriage, and she knows her fiance better than anyone else (hopefully). I think prefacing the conversation with that shows you respect her but are speaking out of concern.

 

[Rose74]

I have a friend in a similar marriage. She just had her second child. I think she tolerates her husband because of her kids. They had a civil wedding he planned, even though he promised to marry her in church. She was so desperate to have children in her late 30s she went along with it. They’ve never convalidated it. I secretely think she thinks about divorce and doesn’t want a sacremental marriage with him. I wouldn’t be surprised if they end up divorced.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Say something. Lovingly. But say something. Also let her know you will always be there for her no matter she decides to do.

 

[PRmerger]

I must caution you, dear one: when you stand up before God and the community in the church, you are proclaiming your support of this union. If you do not fully endorse the marriage of your friend, you ought not be standing up as matron of honor.

The truth is: we let too many people marry.

 

[Kelfa28]

I must caution you, dear one: when you stand up before God and the community in the church, you are proclaiming your support of this union. If you do not fully endorse the marriage of your friend, you ought not be standing up as matron of honor.

The truth is: we let too many people marry.

This…in spades.

I think this heart to heart should include whether it is wise for you to be the Matron of Honor. I know I would be having some extreme reservations if I were in your shoes.

It’s unfortunate and I think you need to think about this yourself…should you be standing up at the alter as a witness to her wedding? Essentially saying you approve of this marriage?

 

[MomtoEandM]

I keep forgetting to post an update. I finally had a free moment, so I figured I’d share.

I did have a talk with Lily in March. I shared my concerns about Dave. She was actually very receptive and understood where I was coming from. We had a very lengthy discussion, and she told me more about their relationship. She explained that Dave comes from a very loud South Side family, and they are all kind of “in your face” and love to argue. In private, he is much quieter and less obnoxious. Much of it is putting on a show. She said she feels he is great with kids, is a good provider, and is 100% committed to her.

Lily’s sister is going through a divorce right now, and Lily has vowed that she won’t make the mistakes her sister has made. She said Dave is making an effort to be a better communicator and to admit mistakes. He’s also been more willing to compromise. He agreed to her honeymoon plan and gave up his idea. She also said that he shows his affection with gestures more than with words. Her car died a week before the wedding, and she was very stressed out. He made arrangements with his dad to borrow a car, so that she wouldn’t have to deal with the car issue on top of all the wedding planning.

I’ve also made an effort to get to know him better. He definitely still isn’t my ideal husband (good thing I already have one of those!), but I do see some of his good qualities. I think Lily will be able to bring out even more good qualities.

In the end, I was able to stand up with her and support her as the exchanged their vows. They have been married for over a month and are settling into marriage pretty happily.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Most of your concerns are incredibly valid. I just had to laugh out loud at this one, because if the woman picks all of that stuff it’s not considered controlling at all… double standards and such.

Anyway, I will pray for your friend

In fairness, the reason the woman usually picks these kinds of things is because my understanding is that, in general, most men don’t tend to have many preferences about colour, and some of them are just about totally colour-blind anyway. This is not meant to be stereotypical; it’s just that some men don’t see certain things. My husband, and my dad, have selective vision (as a rule) when it comes to mess. Also, when my husband and I were planning our wedding, he suggested that he should wear his BLUE suit. (My wedding colours were royal purple and yellow, and he knew this.) I told him absolutely not. His godfather, who was also his best man, lent him a tux