Friend says I must end friendship with her bf

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Amk14

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I need advice for a friendship/relationship issue.

I have three best friends, who I am (was) inseparable with. One was a guy, (I’ll call him John), another a girl (I’ll call her Kate), and the last is my boyfriend, (Ethan). John and Kate were both good friends of mine, though they didn’t know each other. After I started dating Ethan, I introduced Kate and John, and they hit it off great and started dating. Of course, the fact that John and I had started dating did not weaken our friendship.

Flash forward to now, 8 months later. My boyfriend took me aside that night and told me that my interactions with John were too frequent and friendly for comfort. Apparently our friendship bothered Kate, and had been for the last 8 months. 8 months she had been jealous of my friendship with John, and she hadn’t mentioned it once. 8 months. Ethan told me that she was going to give John the same talk that same night. I assume John chose Kate over our friendship, as he hasn’t answered my texts or calls since.

We are all very Catholic, especially Kate, so I’m very surprised and a bit hurt by her lack of trust and jealousy. I need to discuss it with her soon, as i value our friendship.
But I don’t know what to say. I’ll admit I’m angry, but I don’t know how/if to express this.
How do I communicate with love, understanding, and kindness, when I myself feel hurt, abandoned, lied to, and confused? I want to the Holy Spirit to guide my words and help me rectify the problem, but I feel so much pride that is hard to throw away. I do not want to admit I did wrong because I do not see how my friendship with John, which was entirely pure in intention, was wrong.

Any advice to throw away pride, to fix this, or to communicate what I need?
 
maybe you just have to give them their space so that they can grow as a couple.
Perhaps you can also send them a Christmas card to both of them (it can be an email)
signed by both of you and your boyfriend.

They need to grow as a couple and you too need to grow as a couple with your boyfriend. I am sure they will eventually come around when they have established a stable relationship.

Don’t think they are abandoning you. I am sure they are grateful that you introduced them and for now you as a good friend should give them their space and focus your time on your relationship with Ethan.
 
Before approaching your friend, I think you should sort out this issue with your boyfriend first if you haven’t already.

Did your boyfriend mention what about your relationship bothers him exactly? What does he mean by too frequent and too friendly for comfort? Is it hugging? Do you meet up with him alone? Talking on the phone everyday?

What I suggest is to have a talk with Ethan about what bothers him exactly, if you haven’t already. Be ready to compromise and to take your boyfriend’s feelings into consideration, just as I hope he will try to do for you. That is first.

As for your friends Kathy and John, I can understand that you feel hurt, especially because you are close. But during this time, do not contact John so often as you normally might, other than for holiday greetings. This is not an admittance that you were “wrong” but to show respect for your friend Kathy, until you have sorted it out with her first.

Ask Kathy out to a meal and explain that it has come to your attention that your friendship with John has been bothering her. Without anger, tell Kathy that you would like to talk to her about it. You consider both her and John to be your good friends and would like to remain as such. Tell her that you see John as only a friend; however you now realize that perhaps you have done something that made Kathy uncomfortable. Ask her what it is specifically that you have done that bothers her. Rather than pointing out that you are hurt and angry for her lack of trust [which is entirely understandable], tell her that because you see her as a friend, you hope that she is willing to trust in you to share her feelings, because the last thing you want is to hurt her. Go from there and hear what she has to say. I can’t suggest where to go next since it’s uncertain as to how she will respond.

The hardest part may be that regardless of your good intentions, you may have to change your behavior in your friendship with John out of consideration for your friend Kathy and Ethan. It doesn’t mean you were wrong, and it doesn’t mean that one relationship is being chosen over the other. You are not giving up your friendship with John by doing this. Although it may not be on the terms you are used to or most comfortable with, your friendship is still there so long as you continue to see them as your friends and continue to love and support them in their time of need.

As for the issue of pride, I don’t think you have to "admit’ that you were “wrong.” I think being humble in this case calls for accepting that your actions, while pure and well-intentioned, can still be bothersome to others. Acknowledging your friend’s feelings does not necessarily mean that you have done something wrong. Being humble is not ignoring or denying your own feelings. Humility is truth after all. The truth is you were hurt, but so were they for their own reasons. Now you wish to maintain your friendship with them. Do so with that goal in mind. It won’t be easy, so last but never least, pray for patience, humility and charity. You’ll be in my prayers.

P.S. Your title says, " Friend says I must end friendship with her bf." Did she say that to you exactly? It’s unclear to me as to whether or not she communicated her feelings since the “talk.” That might change what I have suggested…
 
a) Starting right now, tell your boyfriend that if a third party wants to say something to you, they need to screw up their courage and talk to you directly. That goes for your friends, his relatives, everybody, including Kate. Adults work out their own issues directly.

b) Talk with Ethan about his boundaries concerning how you act around other men. Leave Kate out of it, because frankly, what she thinks is not important in this conversation. This is a topic that many (if not most) couples have to find a common ground on through communication.

c) Follow the boundaries you work out with Ethan. If Kate wants to talk to you, then the two of you can likewise reach and agreement between friends concerning what boundaries you each have for your boyfriend/fiancé/husband. It is not out of bounds to expect your friends to abide by those boundaries.
 
Amk14 said:
We are all very Catholic, especially Kate, so I’m very surprised and a bit hurt by her lack of trust and jealousy. I need to discuss it with her soon, as i value our friendship.

But I don’t know what to say. I’ll admit I’m angry, but I don’t know how/if to express this.
How do I communicate with love, understanding, and kindness, when I myself feel hurt, abandoned, lied to, and confused? I want to the Holy Spirit to guide my words and help me rectify the problem, but I feel so much pride that is hard to throw away. I do not want to admit I did wrong because I do not see how my friendship with John, which was entirely pure in intention, was wrong.

Any advice to throw away pride, to fix this, or to communicate what I need?
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Be kind to her, be compassionate with her, but be honest. First off, toss out what Ethan told you she thought. Just start from scratch, because that is second-hand information and, let’s be frank, Ethan is not without a dog in this fight.

Ask her if there is something about how you have interacted with John that bothers her, and if so, to explain what does and does not bother her. If she were given total power to set boundaries, where would she set them? Why? It is very important to know what it is that concerns her.

Now, John is your friend, and the friendship does predate her relationship with him, but you had your chance to be his girlfriend, you didn’t take it, and now she has that place with him. Keep that in mind, and put yourself in her shoes. I am not saying you have to defer to her totally, but keep in mind that it is legitimate for John and for her to please each other before they please you. Having said that, do not apologize for treating John the same as you treated him before Kate ever met him and before anyone ever said a word to you about being bothered. These are not boundaries written in the rubrics somewhere. They are personal boundaries, and in order for people to expect those to be enforced, they have to use something called communication. For a couple to expect you to change a longstanding friendship, they are also asking for not a little bit of indulgence. I would indulge them, but I wouldn’t feel any need to act as if I had ever done a thing wrong.
 
How old are all of you? Are we talking middle school, high school, college or are you young adults who are supporting yourselves? How this is all going to work out may depend on this.
 
If I may ask, how old are all of you? Are you in middle school, high school college, or are you young adults who are working to support yourselves?
 
If you were friends with him prior to your friend going out with him then why should you end your friendship with him…your friend is beieng unreasonable…it indicates shes jealous, insecure and possibly possessive…thats not healthy at all in a relationship
 
I agree, if someone has friction with you he/she must take it up to you directly. Easier said than done, especially if you’re young, but that is how adults should do things.

Unfortunately, it is normal for friendships to be neglected when someone starts getting into a serious dating relationship.

However, you have the rightful right to not be so quick to re-embrace her as a friend, if this relationship breaks off. Assert your personal power!
 
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