Friend Staying With Us for a While

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seeker_of_God

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Hello,

Wasn’t sure where to put this.

A friend of my wife just got promoted at her job. For reasons I won’t go into here, she is moving out of her current apartment. Eventually she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend, possibly in 6 months to a year, but in the meantime she wants to move in with us.

We don’t have a problem with this. She and my wife are very good friends, and we get along pretty well, too.

However, I’m concerned about one thing. She’s atheist, which is fine, of course. But she has no moral qualms with her boyfriend sleeping over with her, and I know that they are sexually active. No not my business but she told us herself.

What sort of limits should we set, if any, to avoid any sort of scandal?


  1. *]Prohibit her boyfriend from sleeping over in the same bed as her
    *]Or at least prohibit them from being sexually active in our house?

    I know a lot of this may come down to personal comfortability and preference, but would like other opinions on this. I’m vying for #1 above but I don’t want to appear uncharitable, either. Like I said she could be here for 6-9 months easily, so I don’t want to just leave it to chance.

    Thanks for any (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
seeker_of_God said:
Hello,

Wasn’t sure where to put this.

A friend of my wife just got promoted at her job. For reasons I won’t go into here, she is moving out of her current apartment. Eventually she is planning on moving in with her boyfriend, possibly in 6 months to a year, but in the meantime she wants to move in with us.

We don’t have a problem with this. She and my wife are very good friends, and we get along pretty well, too.

However, I’m concerned about one thing. She’s atheist, which is fine, of course. But she has no moral qualms with her boyfriend sleeping over with her, and I know that they are sexually active. No not my business but she told us herself.

What sort of limits should we set, if any, to avoid any sort of scandal?


  1. *]Prohibit her boyfriend from sleeping over in the same bed as her
    *]Or at least prohibit them from being sexually active in our house?

    I know a lot of this may come down to personal comfortability and preference, but would like other opinions on this. I’m vying for #1 above but I don’t want to appear uncharitable, either. Like I said she could be here for 6-9 months easily, so I don’t want to just leave it to chance.

    Thanks for any (name removed by moderator)ut.
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  1. if you want to do that, go for option one. it’s not like you can really have option 2 work anyways which i’m sure you probably know.

    ultimately, it’s your house, you can make some rules and guests need to respect those rules, or else they can go live somewhere else. just make sure your wife is on the sme page as you or else that may cuase issues.
 
angell1 said:
if you want to do that, go for option one. it’s not like you can really have option 2 work anyways which i’m sure you probably know.

ultimately, it’s your house, you can make some rules and guests need to respect those rules, or else they can go live somewhere else. just make sure your wife is on the sme page as you or else that may cuase issues.
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She is on the same page. We just want to know the best thing to do.
 
Before she moves in tell her that you have certain house rules which include not having her boyfriend spend the night. This should be really clear before she starts sharing your home. If you find her boyfriend staying late make sure he also knows your rules. If she doesn’t like it she can find another place to stay. It is your home and you make the rules.If you lose a friend over this then she wasn’t much of a friend and didn’t respect you.
 
I wouldn’t be up front and aggressive about it. If she ever asks to have her boyfriend over, you could say yes, and ask if he was planning on spending the night. Provide separate quarters for him (if you even want him to spend the night-- it’d be totally reasonable to ask that he not stay over. Are they teenagers? Presumably he can fend for himself unless his home is several hours away)

She probably already knows how you feel. You don’t need to launch into a discussion.

Probably she is wise enough to respect that boundary without ever having to talk about it. If not, and you’re engaged in an argument about it, don’t argue at all. Simply say “it is a matter of respect. I don’t feel comfortable with that, and that’s all.”

That’s not being “uncharitable.” You’re doing the charitable thing by having her over. Allowing them to share the same bed isn’t good, and I don’t think God would say “thanks for capitulating your beliefs in my word for the sake of social acceptance,” either! 😉
 
Just explain to them that you’re a religious family and you’re not comfortable with certain activities taking place in your house.

If she’s a friend, she’ll understand.

If she’s not, she’ll get mad.
 
This might not be the best way to be a good witness to the faith, but you could always say that you’re not comfortable having a stranger, especially a man, spend the night in your house.
 
on_the_hill said:
This might not be the best way to be a good witness to the faith, but you could always say that you’re not comfortable having a stranger, especially a man, spend the night in your house.
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He’s not really a stranger. I mean we’ve both met him several times and we all get along well.
 
Tzimisce said:
Just explain to them that you’re a religious family and you’re not comfortable with certain activities taking place in your house.

If she’s a friend, she’ll understand.

If she’s not, she’ll get mad.
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on_the_hill:
This might not be the best way to be a good witness to the faith, but you could always say that you’re not comfortable having a stranger, especially a man, spend the night in your house.
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Or, since it seems like a valid reason for such a prohibition, it can be mentioned as one reason in addition to the other reasons.
 
Again, I really encourage you to not shout it out first thing. If I were staying in a Muslim’s house, I wouldn’t be bringing pork for dinner. And if I didn’t know about pork and I did bring it, and they said “oh, thanks for the gift, but we can’t actually eat pork,” that would be it.

I would feel annoyed and put off if they were to tell me up front “come on over… just don’t bring pork with you.” Can you imagine how bad it sounds to say “hey, if your bf comes over, make sure you don’t sleep with him,”?

She knows. And if she doesn’t, wait until he’s going to come over and casually mention that you’ll get some quarters ready for him. She should understand. If she doesn’t, only then do you need to explain yourself.
 
I assume she is moving in with you because she needs a place to stay. So out of the kindness of your heart you’re opening your home to her for a limited period of time. You’re not opening your home to her and any friends she wants to drag along. On those occasions when they want some intimate time together, Mr. Wonderful can spring for a hotel.

At least that would be my position.
 
SighGuy said:
Again, I really encourage you to not shout it out first thing. If I were staying in a Muslim’s house, I wouldn’t be bringing pork for dinner. And if I didn’t know about pork and I did bring it, and they said “oh, thanks for the gift, but we can’t actually eat pork,” that would be it.

I would feel annoyed and put off if they were to tell me up front “come on over… just don’t bring pork with you.” Can you imagine how bad it sounds to say “hey, if your bf comes over, make sure you don’t sleep with him,”?

She knows. And if she doesn’t, wait until he’s going to come over and casually mention that you’ll get some quarters ready for him. She should understand. If she doesn’t, only then do you need to explain yourself.
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I don’t really agree with this. I would if she were only staying a short time, but she should have all information up front. If it influences her decision of whether to stay with us, then it’d be negligent of us to leave it until she is already living in our house.

Any other opinions on this?
 
seeker_of_God said:
I don’t really agree with this. I would if she were only staying a short time, but she should have all information up front. If it influences her decision of whether to stay with us, then it’d be negligent of us to leave it until she is already living in our house.

Any other opinions on this?
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I agree with you on this.👍
 
A boyfriend ought not be sleeping over in the same room (and I would normally not permit them to stay the night at all).

And one ought not assist in their moving into together later.
 
Bookcat said:
A boyfriend ought not be sleeping over in the same room (and I would normally not permit them to stay the night at all).

And one ought not assist in their moving into together later.
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👍

And would make sure, up front, that she knew that.

In fact, before she moves in, I would go over all of the ground rules for both sides.
 
Bookcat said:
A boyfriend ought not be sleeping over in the same room (and I would normally not permit them to stay the night at all).

And one ought not assist in their moving into together later.
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Thank you. I don’t know what you mean by assisting with their moving in tougher, but we won’t be helping with anything. She’ll just be moving out whenever they get a place together.
 
seeker_of_God said:
Thank you. I don’t know what you mean by assisting with their moving in tougher, but we won’t be helping with anything. She’ll just be moving out whenever they get a place together.
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Just added it. Cause from an impulse to be helpful we might not think things through.

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:
  • by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
  • by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
  • by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
  • by protecting evil-doers.
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V
 
Bookcat said:
Just added it. Cause from an impulse to be helpful we might not think things through.

1868 Sin is a personal act. Moreover, we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them:
  • by participating directly and voluntarily in them;
  • by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them;
  • by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so;
  • by protecting evil-doers.
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V
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According to the above, are we obligated to tell them that we don’t approve them moving in together?
 
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