friends of the opposite sex

[Melissa2007]

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have had a lot of changes during that past 5 years 2 big moves (changing cites). We have had 2 children, several deaths, career changes for both of us, etc. My husband recently started a new job as a drug rep. He happens to have a female partner whom he spends a lot of time with. They talk on their cell phones numerous times throughout the day. Sometimes for hours at a time. I know this because when I got the cell phone bill this month he was over by 700+ minutes largely b/c he was talking to this woman. They also text message back and forth. I have told him on numerous occassions that I di not like him having this kind of relationship with this woman. I feel insecure in our marriage when he is spending so much time woith someone else. I realize that they will have to talk sometimes, but there were calls that were over an hour. Selling prescription drugs is not that complicated that it needs to be discussed for hours at a time. I don’t think that there is anything physical going on yet, but an emotional affair could be just as dangerous. I think that anyone can fall to temptation so it should be avoided. I also think that if something is causing one person in the marriage such distress the other person should do what it takes (within reason of course) to help their spouse feel more secure. I have not felt this way before. I have prayed and prayed and this sinking feeling in my gut is not going away. I have talked to my husband but he just thinks that I don’t trust him. There has to be some biblical or even moral answer to this question. Please help me find a way to resolve this.

 

[lukewarm]

I don’t know any biblical references but I can add that you should always trust your gutt in these situations, they’re typically right on the money. Your husband is exhibiting all the signs of an affair, it doesn’t prove anything, but if I were you I would circle the wagons and look to protect myself. It isn’t appropriate at all for your husband to be speaking for hours at a time with his female partner, especially if it’s off work hours.

Good luck, these storie are always terrible…

My wife and I essentially have a pact where we agreed that friendships with anyone of the opposite sex are innapropriate, since like you said anyone can be tempted.

 

[nobeerinheaven]

Is your husband Catholic? You might try setting aside some time each week for you and your husband to read the catechism together, and talk about it. You might also try talking to some of his guy friends, if you feel comfortable doing that, and seeing what they think.

 

[VociMike]

You are exactly right. He is going out of his way to put himself in the path of temptation when he should be going out of his way to avoid temptation. He is also displaying a very uncaring attitude towards you by refusing to respect your feelings in the matter, but rather defending himself (and even going into classic “I’m the victim here” mode). What he is doing is inexcusable, and if the situation was reversed you can bet he’d be having a fit about it, because he knows deep down that it is inexcusable.

 

[Eileen_T]

You are exactly right. He is going out of his way to put himself in the path of temptation when he should be going out of his way to avoid temptation. He is also displaying a very uncaring attitude towards you by refusing to respect your feelings in the matter, but rather defending himself (and even going into classic “I’m the victim here” mode). What he is doing is inexcusable, and if the situation was reversed you can bet he’d be having a fit about it, because he knows deep down that it is inexcusable.

I’m with Mike on this one. I have friends of he opposite sex and although I really enjoy their company I avoid hangin’ out with them in order to avoid any misunderstanding on my husband’s part (or anyone elses’ either).

 

[dafalax]

We grandfather claused in all my current male friends and i have not made any new ones since we got married. I would not hang out with a member of the opposite sex who wasn’t family unchaperoned. You mention this is also a work relationship; he needs to either get a new partner or go to a different company. You said there have been a lot of job changes for both of you recently. One more to save your marriage is a good idea. God and family come first and he needs to grow up and act like it.

 

[1ke]

I have to disagree with others, based solely on what you’ve posted.

First, I have a friend who is a drug rep and she has been one for a number of years. She’s solo now, but on a past assignment she had a “partner”, a male, and they talked A LOT. And, it was ALL business. There was no interaction between them outside work (both were single too BTW) and yet, they were talking constantly and also going to social events like golf tournaments and drug launch parties and dinners.

Drug reps typically home office, and practically live in their car, so they don’t have any other phone except their cell for business. They are on their cell constantly, and talked to each other frequently-- from planning meetings, trainings, doctor’s visits, special outings and events for doctors, setting up golf dates, etc.

Is there something, besides the quantity of time they spend talking and texting, that makes you uncomfortable? Do you think that he is spending his time talking to her on a personal level, and why do you think this?

I don’t see how he can do his job without working closely with his drug rep partner.

I don’t see this as threatening or leading to an affair. Is there more background here that you haven’t told us?

 

[VociMike]

I have to disagree with others, based solely on what you’ve posted.

First, I have a friend who is a drug rep and she has been one for a number of years. She’s solo now, but on a past assignment she had a “partner”, a male, and they talked A LOT. And, it was ALL business. There was no interaction between them outside work (both were single too BTW) and yet, they were talking constantly and also going to social events like golf tournaments and drug launch parties and dinners.

Drug reps typically home office, and practically live in their car, so they don’t have any other phone except their cell for business. They are on their cell constantly, and talked to each other frequently-- from planning meetings, trainings, doctor’s visits, special outings and events for doctors, setting up golf dates, etc.

Is there something, besides the quantity of time they spend talking and texting, that makes you uncomfortable? Do you think that he is spending his time talking to her on a personal level, and why do you think this?

I don’t see how he can do his job without working closely with his drug rep partner.

I don’t see this as threatening or leading to an affair. Is there more background here that you haven’t told us?

But if it bothers her enough that she has expressed her unhappiness with the situation multiple times, it doesn’t even matter if he’s doing something wrong or not. Her displeasure with the situation is not unreasonable - a great many spouses would feel the same way - even if it is all business. So why would he choose this working relationship with this woman, or even this job, over his wife’s discomfort? That’s the fundamental question.

 

[AndyF]

Melissa:

I think that anyone can fall to temptation so it should be avoided. I also think that if something is causing one person in the marriage such distress the other person should do what it takes (within reason of course) to help their spouse feel more secure.

You sound reasonable to me, and you are correct.

Your discomfort should cause him to change in order to make you feel more comfortable. He should change even though there may be no reason to do it. I do that all the time. (Dem wimens !!! )

My wife gives me a heads up on occasion when she doesn’t like a situation. I change without a second thought no differently than if I were sitting on her favourite pillow she is trying to pull out from under me.

Why not pick up the phone and take a message? Try different scenerios and reactions? Offer to help since they are soooooo busy, but be sincere in this and i know the kids will be a problem. Call a baby sitter and pop in at the office to help out. Anything amiss will eventually be brought to light, and there should be “NO” reaction but gladness to all this.

AndyF

 

[strngrnrth]

Probably most of my friends in life have been the opposite sex, and the fact that we were friends all but ruled out any funny business. I have had a LTR with a jealous man, and nothing he ever did or said no matter how extreme ever separated me emotionally from any friend, male or female. The idea of being jealous of friends seemed ridiculous to me. That was before I was a Christian, and eventually I did cheat on him, but I was already planning to leave him then, and the other man was not a friend. I just needed a place to live. I had no job. I had no cash.
If drug reps normally talk a lot on their cells, then it’s probably OK. Even if it’s social it’s probably OK. But if he is acting guilty and keeping secrets, use your intuition and trust your gut.

 

[1ke]

But if it bothers her enough that she has expressed her unhappiness with the situation multiple times, it doesn’t even matter if he’s doing something wrong or not. Her displeasure with the situation is not unreasonable - a great many spouses would feel the same way - even if it is all business.

I think it’s totally unreasonable. Unless there is some sort of information she has not shared-- like a past affair or other marital problems-- I do not see anything to base these ideas of hers on.

So why would he choose this working relationship with this woman, or even this job, over his wife’s discomfort? That’s the fundamental question.

Perhaps where you live high paying jobs with good benefits grow on trees… not so everywhere. I don’t think he should put his **job **and their income in jeopardy on baseless fears of hers.

Now, if there is some sort of information about these calls being personal calls and emotional sharing, yes I agree that is inappropriate. But, that is not what has been presented here.

He can’t go around refusing job assignments because he works with women. All this nonsense about women being equal to men in the workplace, “equal pay” and all that jazz… Now we have complaints because the woman is equal and working alongside a man. We women cannot have it both ways.

He has a woman partner. Deal with it.

 

[Melissa2007]

It has become a personal relationship. They haave become good friends and I have never even met her. He has another female partner and I am not worried about them b/c it is not a personal relationship. I have not reacted like this ever before during our marriage.

 

[VociMike]

I think it’s totally unreasonable. Unless there is some sort of information she has not shared-- like a past affair or other marital problems-- I do not see anything to base these ideas of hers on.

Perhaps where you live high paying jobs with good benefits grow on trees… not so everywhere. I don’t think he should put his **job **and their income in jeopardy on baseless fears of hers.

Now, if there is some sort of information about these calls being personal calls and emotional sharing, yes I agree that is inappropriate. But, that is not what has been presented here.

He can’t go around refusing job assignments because he works with women. All this nonsense about women being equal to men in the workplace, “equal pay” and all that jazz… Now we have complaints because the woman is equal and working alongside a man. We women cannot have it both ways.

He has a woman partner. Deal with it.

I just don’t see “like it or lump it” as the proper way to deal with what one spouse considers to be serious issues.

 

[1ke]

I just don’t see “like it or lump it” as the proper way to deal with what one spouse considers to be serious issues.

Based on the info in the original post, it was my opinion that the DH was not out of line. In a new job, where one has a partner, I can see completely *legitimate *reasons to be on the phone frequently. Someone new to a complex job (which pharmaceutical sales is) could have a million questions and need a lot of help from their partner, perhaps the partner is even assigned to be their trainer.

The OP has now posted that this has become a personal relationship, which is entirely different. In that case, yes, some sort of intervention is in order and I’d consider counseling with the priest.

 

[StCsDavid]

Let me tell you from experience as the male who struck up a friendly relationship with a female coworker in a fairly similar situation as the OP’s husband. It was probably the most devastating thing I ever did to my marriage. I never had a physical relationship with the woman; however, we shared private thoughts and feelings that should have been reserved exclusively for my wife, and none of it was sexual. At the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it, but ten years hence, the friendship long abandoned, I now see very clearly the hell I put my wife through. Suspicion is a terrible thing to do to one’s spouse. Tell you husband to keep this business relationship strictly business.

 

[MCH]

Let me tell you from experience as the male who struck up a friendly relationship with a female coworker in a fairly similar situation as the OP’s husband. It was probably the most devastating thing I ever did to my marriage. I never had a physical relationship with the woman; however, we shared private thoughts and feelings that should have been reserved exclusively for my wife, and none of it was sexual. At the time I didn’t see anything wrong with it, but ten years hence, the friendship long abandoned, I now see very clearly the hell I put my wife through. Suspicion is a terrible thing to do to one’s spouse. Tell you husband to keep this business relationship strictly business.

From personal experience, I say, well said!!! My own personal opinion is that unless two people have no committments,“friendship” between opposite sexes does not work.It may start out that way, but it will probably end in tears.

Your husband should not be playing with fire.Sorry if I sound cynical,but I am speaking from experience where I had the “friendship” and betrayed my husband.

 

[Melo]

Melissa,
Try talking to him again. Ask him if the situation was reversed, if it would bother him that you were always talking to some guy that he had never met. In my opinion, if something makes one spouse uncomfortable, the other spouse should take it seriously. Obviously he had to have a working relationship with her (unless a change of job is possible), but he should LIMIT his conversations to business out of respect for you.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[Yerusalyim]

Read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, continue to communicate with your husband on the issue, and if necessary seek counseling. The issue might be his, and it might be yours.

If nothing physical has occurred, and you don’t seem to think it has, and if he’s not being emotionally unfaithful, the issue might be yours…I think the issue is COMMUNICATION. Read the book, follow her advice, keep communicating with your hubby…AND DON’T ASK AMATUERS ON BOARDS…>EVEN THIS ONE…FOR MARITAL ADVICE…we struggle as much as you do.