Friendship Issue

[DeniseNY]

I was friends with someone for many years and I had to pull back… for several reasons. Mainly, she crossed several boundaries in some of the things she would say about my family. She was also hypercritical of me and some of my choices. With a lot of things, she was right. But there were other areas where she just could not accept that my line of thinking wasn’t in line with hers, be it how I dress, how I vote, or how I choose to spend my free time. She was also very hung up on social classes, and would routinely make remarks about the working class. Now, my family were all steelworkers, so guess what? I’M working class, and I am not ashamed of that.

I got to a point where I just wasn’t looking forward to talking and it became a chore.

I feel bad that I don’t return her phone calls, but I don’t know that I want to open myself up to the same issues again.

Is what I’m doing wrong?

 

[Sunbreak]

No, you are doing the right thing by not putting yourself in a situation where someone is heavily criticizing you and trying to control you. I would just continue to do what you are doing and if she asks then tell the truth why you are limiting contact.

 

[lovedance4ever]

Have you tried expressing any of these feelings to her? Personally, I think that pulling away without any explanation at all would be just as hurtful to her as her comments are to you, especially if she is not even aware that you are offended in the first place. If you haven’t already, sit her down and calmly tell her what you have stated here. Explain that you find her frankness to be rude and offensive at times, and that you feel it is weighing down on your friendship. Communication is key, and if it helps, then great. If, however, she persists and you truly want to end it, then tell her it is time to part ways.

I have been “ghosted” before (having my calls and messages unanswered) for reasons I never understood, and I will tell you it is a very painful thing to experience at the hands of your friend. Whether it was something I did or not, I would much rather have been told than completely cut off. You can end up salvaging a friendship through simple communication.

Christa

 

[DeniseNY]

Have you tried expressing any of these feelings to her? Personally, I think that pulling away without any explanation at all would be just as hurtful to her as her comments are to you, especially if she is not even aware that you are offended in the first place. If you haven’t already, sit her down and calmly tell her what you have stated here. Explain that you find her frankness to be rude and offensive at times, and that you feel it is weighing down on your friendship. Communication is key, and if it helps, then great. If, however, she persists and you truly want to end it, then tell her it is time to part ways.

I have been “ghosted” before (having my calls and messages unanswered) for reasons I never understood, and I will tell you it is a very painful thing to experience at the hands of your friend. Whether it was something I did or not, I would much rather have been told than completely cut off. You can end up salvaging a friendship through simple communication.

Christa

Hi. Yes, I told her on several occasions that the comments she was making were hurtful and bothering me. It didn’t get better. In fact, over time, it got worse.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Hi. Yes, I told her on several occasions that the comments she was making were hurtful and bothering me. It didn’t get better. In fact, over time, it got worse.

Then, I think you are right to pull back and not return calls. You told her that her comments were hurtful and she continued to make them anyway.

 

[7_Sorrows]

I think God wants us to love ourselves and be at peace with ourselves and the world around us. If there is someone disturbing that love or peace-be it a friend or relative-who is intentionally trying to hurt your being - physically or psychologically or spiritually - God wants you to protect yourself and not let that person disturb you. There are unhappy people in this world who like Satan, seek the ruin of souls.
This is a hard lesson I have had to learn and I still haven’t perfected it.
So I don’t think you are wrong.

 

[tawny]

I think God wants us to love ourselves and be at peace with ourselves and the world around us. If there is someone disturbing that love or peace-be it a friend or relative-who is intentionally trying to hurt your being - physically or psychologically or spiritually - God wants you to protect yourself and not let that person disturb you. There are unhappy people in this world who like Satan, seek the ruin of souls.
This is a hard lesson I have had to learn and I still haven’t perfected it.
So I don’t think you are wrong.

Well stated.

 

[7_Sorrows]

Well stated.

thank you.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I was friends with someone for many years and I had to pull back… for several reasons. Mainly, she crossed several boundaries in some of the things she would say about my family. She was also hypercritical of me and some of my choices. With a lot of things, she was right. But there were other areas where she just could not accept that my line of thinking wasn’t in line with hers, be it how I dress, how I vote, or how I choose to spend my free time. She was also very hung up on social classes, and would routinely make remarks about the working class. Now, my family were all steelworkers, so guess what? I’M working class, and I am not ashamed of that.

I got to a point where I just wasn’t looking forward to talking and it became a chore.

I feel bad that I don’t return her phone calls, but I don’t know that I want to open myself up to the same issues again.

Is what I’m doing wrong?

Everyone gave good advice so far but just wanted to say that God didn’t say we had to be friends with everyone, He just said we had to love them. Your friend is hurtful, you are not held to anything to continue hanging out with her if she is not respectful of you. I do say though you must find some way to forgive her within your heart if you are angry with her and ask God for forgiveness for that… but other than that, no, you don’t owe her continued trust and devotion.

You said here that you tried to mend things by telling her what she said was hurtful… she did not respond. So I think you did everything possible that the Lord asks. I would note that by loving her as God says, continue to keep her in your prayers, for her conversion. That way, your heart won’t sour…as its very hard to hate someone you pray for. But do guard your heart- you don’t have to be friends with her- what I mean by that is spending time with her.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Then, I think you are right to pull back and not return calls. You told her that her comments were hurtful and she continued to make them anyway.

oops, I quoted the wrong post and I don’t know how to change it

 

[Anglewannabe]

Hi. Yes, I told her on several occasions that the comments she was making were hurtful and bothering me. It didn’t get better. In fact, over time, it got worse.

If that is the case, the only thing you are doing wrong is you aren’t telling her point blank ‘quit calling me’

In all honesty, I had a friend who I was always telling her ‘please don’t do that it hurts me’ and she just saw it as a bonus because it told her where my soft spots were and she would do it all the more. She had me believing I was an idiot for being hurt and it had a very damaging effect on me. You are doing the right thing