Friendship with difficult in-law

  • Thread starter Thread starter Notwavingbutdrowning
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
N

Notwavingbutdrowning

Guest
Hi,
To begin with, I’m incredibly introverted, shy, always avoid confrontation. My sister in law is a nominal Catholic, can be feisty and opinionated, and has always blown hot and cold with me. Either she calls me “sister” or doesn’t call me for months.
The specific situation is this - she’s getting married this year and I recently told her about my son’s new high school and how I’m worried about the level of violence in it, and since my message to her about it months ago - nothing. Through her mother, I got the feeling she thinks I’m being a drama queen and has decided to cut me out of her life. I don’t particularly want to be her best friend, but I feel hurt because I know I’ve never said or done anything to offend her. I was just telling her about my son’s school, and didn’t go on about it too much either. Like a 3 sentence message.
So my question is, from a Catholic point of view, should I just let this awkward frostiness continue towards me, or should I send her a message apologising for anything I may have said or done to offend her. I’m leaning towards the latter as someone who just desires peace. I don’t really mind about apologising for something I didn’t do, because this dischord is really getting to me and with her wedding coming up I genuinely only wish the best for her.
Advice please for when someone will be difficult regardless. I would never confront her and say “what exactly did I do to upset you” by the way, because I know I didn’t do anything and because that would convince her I was a drama queen. I also hate to think of whatever false narrative she has built about me, so I’ve just offered it up but it’s really upset me.
 
Is it possible she’s just busy with her wedding planning? I wouldn’t read too much into your message about your son’s high school. I would suggest you reach out in a positive way to offer to help with the wedding planning in any way you can.
 
I would have thought that, but sorry I forgot to mention that as well as her mother telling me clearly my sister in law thought I was over reacting, I also sent my sister in law a few messages over the past couple of months, with zero news about my family and just asking how she was, how was her work, how were the preparations going, and wishing her all the best and she’s just ignored all of them. Sorry I forgot to mention that, I was upset writing the original post.
 
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. For whatever reason, she’s not interested in a close relationship with you, although she’s happy to be a fairweather friend.

You can’t control her actions, but you can control your response. I think you should take a step back. You’re much more invested in keeping this friendship alive than she is. Don’t text her to apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t listen to her mother either. Just keep moving on with your life.
 
This is good advice. For some reason she doesn’t want to pursue a closer relationship. Don’t be awkward when you do see her. Family can be strange.
 
Good advice, @Lou2U. I agree that she is showing you who she is.

It could also be that her mom is sticking up for her, but saying more than her daughter actually said. In the future, I would not involve another relative, it never really works out or helps the situation. I have had close relatives tell family things that were absolutely not true. When we compared notes, this person told me and the other person completely made up stories. Never rule out that her mom might be making stuff up.

But chalk this up as a life lesson and let it go. As @Convert3 suggested, offer to help with something for her wedding, and then the ball is in her court. She is preoccupied with the wedding.

No need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.
 
Last edited:
Thank you both. I’m more than happy to not be avery close friend to her, despite the fact that she used to confide in me a lot - but it was bothering me from a Catholic perspective that she sees some perceived offense on my part… I should mention I can occasionally be prone to scruples in my spiritual life so it doesn’t take much to make me feel uneasy spiritually - even if I’ve done nothing to say sorry for. It’s not spiritually helpful when there’s a broken family relationship, and I feel like I should be asking myself have I done everything I can to repair it, even if that means turning the other cheek and humiliating myself with an apology.
 
I was thinking of asking her (again) how she was doing and then saying if I’d said or done anything to offend her it was truly unintentional, and I was so sorry, and that I am so happy for her and wish her all the best … Something like that.

I sound so pitiful don’t I?
 
No, I wouldn’t ask if you did something to offend her. She sounds like the type of person that would let you know, or use your open ended apology for letting off stress about something that actually had nothing to do with you.

You will find that there are people in life that only want to hear themselves talk. They talk and you listen and respond. You talk and they say nothing. You don’t hear from them again until they need you or need you to listen to them. Once you realize that about someone, it is easier to let them go and cut close contact with them, even if they are family members.
 
You don’t sound pitiful, you sound like a lovely person who wants to prioritise those you think are important. Unfortunately, she doesn’t see you as a priority. So don’t bend over backwards and tie yourself up in knots. Let yourself see that it is her, not you, who is at fault. She should be apologising to you.

Turning the other cheek does not mean letting yourself be treated badly by others. It doesn’t mean putting yourself out there again and again to be let down.

Respect yourself. You deserve people in your life who care about you, and who are interested in you. Sadly your SIL isn’t one of them. Don’t waste your time trying to get a square peg in a round hole. Whatever you do, it won’t change her. So prioritise yourself instead.
 
Frankly, i would leave it be and be thankful I was on her “out” list as you said she either blows hot or cold and can be feisty and opinionated. I’d rather that sort of drama and attitude stay away from me, and seems like that is how it is right now.

So I’d count my blessings. Eventually she will blow back the other way, when she wants something probably.

I wouldn’t go out of my way to cultivate a close relationship with her, and I wouldn’t apologize for possibly, somehow offending her. NO WAY.
 
Last edited:
Notwavingbutdrowning said:
It’s not spiritually helpful when there’s a broken family relationship, and I feel like I should be asking myself have I done everything I can to repair it, even if that means turning the other cheek and humiliating myself with an apology.
Click to expand...
It also isn’t spiritual helpful to feed scruples. Get under the care of a priest or spiritual director for your scruples.
 
Notwavingbutdrowning said:
I would have thought that, but sorry I forgot to mention that as well as her mother telling me clearly my sister in law thought I was over reacting,
Click to expand...
So what? What she thinks doesn’t really matter, and it certainly doesn’t deserve an apology from you for having an opinion about your own child’s school.

People have opinions. She has opinions. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR.

How about working with a counselor on this need you have to make everything better and avoid confrontation?
 
I agree you have nothing to apologize for. But I do want to bring one thing to your attention. There is this wonderful invention that is much more personal than sending messages. The telephone actually allows you to speak to people directly! Okay, I’m not really making fun of you alone, but of the many people who feel they should only communicate by messaging or email. Pick up the phone to see how the wedding plans are going. Tell her you’re excited for her. Keep it positive! No apologies, they’re not needed.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top