From a confused husband

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pprimeau1976

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Good day all!

I have posted here before, and if my posts are too personal and sappy, please e-mail me and let me know.

Four months ago, my wife had a fight and I thought that it was over. I did what was unthinkable to my wife…I opened a separate bank account. Was it done out of anger? yes it was - but despite me opening it out of anger, there was always the option that things could work out.

Consider the following:
  1. My wife has insisted that she be in charge of the finances.
  2. I occasionally get calls from creditors and occasionally see the “final notice”. I have even had my e-mail account suspended.
  3. Our charitable giving to our church last year was at 0%, and when I bring it up, there is always a “let’s wait until we are out of debt” excuse. Sure, we are in debt, but we are not in so much debt that we spend money for repainting a bathroom, justifying the things we saw on sale, etc. etc.
  4. In addition to charitable giving to church, other charitable giving must be “discussed”. For example, we have to discuss whether to give to Right To Life, and the discussion never really takes place and when I choose to discuss it, it is often at the wrong time.
  5. I have taken responsibilty of our Mortgage and Home Equity bills, in addition to paying for our children’s daycare tuition. I also cover the expenses of our marriage counseling. I have asked her to give me some of the bills so I can pay them. She has refused. And when I gave her a blank check in order to pay off some bills last month, she did not fill it and was disappointed when the amount was lower than what she expected.
I am considering closing the account and going back to the way things were before - which I am TOTALLY uncomfortable with. Am I being reasonable or irrational? I read somewhere that a shared bank account is a gesture of trust, but isn’t giving someone a blank check also a gesture of trust? I actually think that the shared bank account is enabling someone’s distrust. I could be wrong though.

Any wit or wisdom, especially from the women on this forum, would be helpful.
 
After 17 years of marriage, and many ups and downs on the financial side of things, my husband and I have come to a workable method. We have a yours, mine, and ours account. We have all three accounts at one bank, so we can transfer money back and forth as needed very easily via internet banking.

Out of my account, I pay the bills that I am responsible for - car payment, lunches, gas, my own clothing, my own credit cards,etc. He has the same set up, also, for his own personal expenses. Then in the joint account, we both deposit a predetermined amount of money into that account every month, and that account pays for the mortgage, groceries, electric bill, and all of that other fun stuff. My husband is in charge of the joint account, and he has everything set up on automatic payments, so we don’t have to worry about remembering to pay certain bills, either.

We have been doing this for a few years, and so far, it has been the most successful method that we have tried so far.

I hope this helps!
 
Why does she refuse? Are these credit card bills you’re speaking of? If so I would guess she’s probably spending too much and doesn’t want you to know. I really don’t like separate accounts but in this case it seems justified. It sounds like you need to both sit down with someone who can give you financial direction and plan a budget. She absolutely should not be hiding bills from you.
 
Clearly she has a problem. She insists on being “responsible” for the finances, but is not behaving responsibly at all. Either she wants to hide her spending, or she has an alterior motive like creating a separate acct for herself “just in case.”

In fact, I do not think you should close your account. I think you should keep it intact, keep putting money in it, and continue doing so until either she gets help or she forces you into bankruptcy. Don’t hide this fact from her, but tell her you are doing it to protect your assets.

This is something that needs to be brought to the attention of the marriage counselor, and probably needs to be addressed outside of the marital counseling.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Crown Financial Ministries at www.crown.org for Christian-based financial planning. They have free tools on their website, and you can often receive free advice if you email into the program.
 
pprimeau1976 said:
Good day all!

I have posted here before, and if my posts are too personal and sappy, please e-mail me and let me know.

Four months ago, my wife had a fight and I thought that it was over. I did what was unthinkable to my wife…I opened a separate bank account. Was it done out of anger? yes it was - but despite me opening it out of anger, there was always the option that things could work out.

Consider the following:
  1. My wife has insisted that she be in charge of the finances.
  2. I occasionally get calls from creditors and occasionally see the “final notice”. I have even had my e-mail account suspended.
  3. Our charitable giving to our church last year was at 0%, and when I bring it up, there is always a “let’s wait until we are out of debt” excuse. Sure, we are in debt, but we are not in so much debt that we spend money for repainting a bathroom, justifying the things we saw on sale, etc. etc.
  4. In addition to charitable giving to church, other charitable giving must be “discussed”. For example, we have to discuss whether to give to Right To Life, and the discussion never really takes place and when I choose to discuss it, it is often at the wrong time.
  5. I have taken responsibilty of our Mortgage and Home Equity bills, in addition to paying for our children’s daycare tuition. I also cover the expenses of our marriage counseling. I have asked her to give me some of the bills so I can pay them. She has refused. And when I gave her a blank check in order to pay off some bills last month, she did not fill it and was disappointed when the amount was lower than what she expected.
I am considering closing the account and going back to the way things were before - which I am TOTALLY uncomfortable with. Am I being reasonable or irrational? I read somewhere that a shared bank account is a gesture of trust, but isn’t giving someone a blank check also a gesture of trust? I actually think that the shared bank account is enabling someone’s distrust. I could be wrong though.

Any wit or wisdom, especially from the women on this forum, would be helpful.
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There all sorts of different ways couples can deal with these issues as long as they work as a team and agree to the terms.

The fact she does not want to lay everything on the table, negotiate with you, and not be totally open about all the finances says she has a problem.

You two should be able to discuss ALL the accounts, ALL the bills, ALL the income, and then figure out together how it is all going to be taken care of.
If she can’t do that you are never going to know for sure if basic responsibilities are being met.
 
Quite frankly, if she does not agree to put everything on the table after discussing this in marriage counseling, I’d get a separate PO box as well, and change the address for any joint bills and those in your name to that until she agrees to start letting you see all the bills and statements.
 
Yeah, well letting you in on the finances is also an act of trust.

You’ll trust her with a bank account when she trusts you with involvement in the finances.

Pretty simple.
 
Don’t be intimidated into closing your account. It looks like her motives for wanting to be in charge of the finances may be different from just wanting to get the finances right. Something psychological? Don’t know. Ulterior motive? Who knows, but there’s always the benefit of doubt to give her. But it’s all unreasonable and unreasonable things are scary.
 
pprimeau1976 said:
Good day all!

I have posted here before, and if my posts are too personal and sappy, please e-mail me and let me know.

Four months ago, my wife had a fight and I thought that it was over. I did what was unthinkable to my wife…I opened a separate bank account. Was it done out of anger? yes it was - but despite me opening it out of anger, there was always the option that things could work out.

Consider the following:
  1. My wife has insisted that she be in charge of the finances.
  2. I occasionally get calls from creditors and occasionally see the “final notice”. I have even had my e-mail account suspended.
  3. Our charitable giving to our church last year was at 0%, and when I bring it up, there is always a “let’s wait until we are out of debt” excuse. Sure, we are in debt, but we are not in so much debt that we spend money for repainting a bathroom, justifying the things we saw on sale, etc. etc.
  4. In addition to charitable giving to church, other charitable giving must be “discussed”. For example, we have to discuss whether to give to Right To Life, and the discussion never really takes place and when I choose to discuss it, it is often at the wrong time.
  5. I have taken responsibilty of our Mortgage and Home Equity bills, in addition to paying for our children’s daycare tuition. I also cover the expenses of our marriage counseling. I have asked her to give me some of the bills so I can pay them. She has refused. And when I gave her a blank check in order to pay off some bills last month, she did not fill it and was disappointed when the amount was lower than what she expected.
I am considering closing the account and going back to the way things were before - which I am TOTALLY uncomfortable with. Am I being reasonable or irrational? I read somewhere that a shared bank account is a gesture of trust, but isn’t giving someone a blank check also a gesture of trust? I actually think that the shared bank account is enabling someone’s distrust. I could be wrong though.

Any wit or wisdom, especially from the women on this forum, would be helpful.
Click to expand...
Have you thought of both of you meeting with a financial advisor? That would help tremendously. I handle the finances, begrudgingly. It’s a tough task…but I am used to it now. I also have a separate checking account, my husband has a separate account…and we share one. We have savings accounts too. Reason behind all this, is that we like to have our own spending money…and then we share the bills. It works great for us, with no resentment…and no questions asked by either. If my husband wants to buy something for himself…he can just figure it out from his own account. I think it’s important to be on the same page with finances…it’s the number one thing couples fight about–they say. So, seek a financial counselor…he/she will help you both–greatly!!
 
My first wife also demanded to handle all the finances. She rarly ever let me look at them.

When we got divorced, I knew we had some debts. My ex was a compulsive clothes shopper and rarely ever wore the same clothes twice.

I thought we had about $5-6,000 in credit card debt. But I was wrong. My ex had forged my signature on several credit card applications and had several cards I did not know about.

The real debt was closer to $60,000! All clothes for her. I got half of it, thank you, judge.

You need to have an outsider look at your finances. Your wife will only be annoyed if she has something to hide.
 
rpp said:
My first wife also demanded to handle all the finances. She rarly ever let me look at them.

When we got divorced, I knew we had some debts. My ex was a compulsive clothes shopper and rarely ever wore the same clothes twice.

I thought we had about $5-6,000 in credit card debt. But I was wrong. My ex had forged my signature on several credit card applications and had several cards I did not know about.

The real debt was closer to $60,000! All clothes for her. I got half of it, thank you, judge.

You need to have an outsider look at your finances. Your wife will only be annoyed if she has something to hide.
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wow… that is just awful!!! so sorry for you… 😦

finances were a problem for us as well… i think it came out to be the main problem… although he was going into credit card debt… it was his way of making himself happy… buy everything that caught his fancy… or get a better one of anything else that his friends would buy… its was the “keep up with the joneses syndrome”…

i do think finances need to be an open book… i made that mistake with him… was so scared of his finances that never opened up mine as i could see that he would spend that too…
it would have been better to have come up with some kind of arrangement and know each others status at all times…
 
mommyof4 said:
After 17 years of marriage, and many ups and downs on the financial side of things, my husband and I have come to a workable method. We have a yours, mine, and ours account. We have all three accounts at one bank, so we can transfer money back and forth as needed very easily via internet banking.

Out of my account, I pay the bills that I am responsible for - car payment, lunches, gas, my own clothing, my own credit cards,etc. He has the same set up, also, for his own personal expenses. Then in the joint account, we both deposit a predetermined amount of money into that account every month, and that account pays for the mortgage, groceries, electric bill, and all of that other fun stuff. My husband is in charge of the joint account, and he has everything set up on automatic payments, so we don’t have to worry about remembering to pay certain bills, either.

We have been doing this for a few years, and so far, it has been the most successful method that we have tried so far.

I hope this helps!
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Not a bad idea. Didn’t think of that one! Thanks!
 
one of my friends used another method…

they had a joint account where they deposited the bulk of the money - which was used to pay for mortgage, car and everything else… then they had a yours and mine account which would be given around 200$ (i think) each month… that was their own money to do whatever with… fun money… they would buy their coffee, drinks etc with that… also when they went out on the weekends, they would spend alternately from that account…

but i do think one joint account is the best if you trust each other…
 
pprimeau1976 said:
Good day all!

I have posted here before, and if my posts are too personal and sappy, please e-mail me and let me know.

Four months ago, my wife had a fight and I thought that it was over. I did what was unthinkable to my wife…I opened a separate bank account. Was it done out of anger? yes it was - but despite me opening it out of anger, there was always the option that things could work out.
l.
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let me get this straight. 4 months ago you had a fight with your wife about an issue that has been a problems since the beginning of your marriage. You did not resolve any part of that issue during or after the fight, and in fact the fight, given the reasons you list in OP, did not even cover the issues. You responded with a unilateral move taken out of anger, instead of in a reasoned response to a need. In the interim neither of you have taken any steps to resolve this whole issue of attitude toward finances, which has the potential to not only destroy your marriage, but demolish your credit and get you in trouble with the IRS. And you say “I thought the fight was over” and are amazed that the issue is still not resolved. I vote with Dear Abby, get marrital and financial counselling, now, before it gets worse.
 
puzzleannie said:
let me get this straight. 4 months ago you had a fight with your wife about an issue that has been a problems since the beginning of your marriage. You did not resolve any part of that issue during or after the fight, and in fact the fight, given the reasons you list in OP, did not even cover the issues. You responded with a unilateral move taken out of anger, instead of in a reasoned response to a need. In the interim neither of you have taken any steps to resolve this whole issue of attitude toward finances, which has the potential to not only destroy your marriage, but demolish your credit and get you in trouble with the IRS. And you say “I thought the fight was over” and are amazed that the issue is still not resolved. I vote with Dear Abby, get marrital and financial counselling, now, before it gets worse.
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I did not go into the reasons why the fight occurred because they were too complicated. If I had to sum things up, the underlying cause of my marital discontent is not financial. I believe that she does not see what I bring to the table when it comes to our marriage.

For example, she has issue that I do not help her with the housework when in fact I have other things to do, like take care of the yardwork. She is the one that puts a higher value on things looking nice, so I try to make our yard look nice. To me, it doesn’t matter what the inside of the house looks like if the outside looks overrun. When I say that I do help out by doing the yardwork, working on the projects that we agree to do (i.e. painting the bathroom, putting up crown molding, making her a craftroom, etc) those do not count as housework.

We have been going to marriage counseling every week (except in cases of sickness) for the past 3+ months. And when I say that the account was opened out of anger, I don’t know if it was truly done out of anger or not. I did it mainly to send her a message that I was serious about counseling (something that she has had a pessimistic attitude about, btw). The fiscal concerns were also a concern that gave me additional justification for opening the account. I have not done anything stupid with the money that goes in my account, as I have paid bills. If there is any area of fiscal mis-management is that I have been making a morning trip to Tim Horton’s. Those costs add up and I need to be a little more thrifty in that area and make my own lunch/prepare the coffee the night before.

As of this posting, things are okay, just occasionally we have our flare ups that we are trying to work out. The prayer intention forums are working as things seem to get better the day after I ask people for their prayers. 🙂
 
I do not mean to be a fly in the ointment, but I have known many people who have gone to marriage couunseling. Myself included.

Every couple that I have never known who went to a **secular **marriage counselor all had the same problem. The husband was a selfish pig and the wife was the snow-white pure innocent and misunderstood victim.

It does not matter if the man works, maintains the car, earns the money to pay the bills, does all the yard work, and fixes things around the house when they break. But if the husband does not do the laundry or wash the dishes, he is utterly worthless and is dominating his wife and subjecting her to phychological abuse. Or so say these sick **secular **marriage counselors.

The secular world, dominated by modern feminist idealogy, is inherently and intrisically misandrist.

I hope you are seeing a Catholic counselor.

If your conselor does not tell your wife that she needs to accept the value of your contribution, then that is the day you should stop seeing that counselor. Because he/she would not be encouragin reconciliation, but rather emasculation.

Sorry this sounds so harsh, but my experience leaves me with little but contempt by these feminist secular counselors.
 
You are paying for the counseling - be wise - use it.

Bring it up at the next counseling session.

I vote for all accounts, checking and credit, to be joint accounts. No secret anything. The ring on the finger indicates the two are now one and you now should act for the good of the marriage as a whole unit.

Get on a budget together and agree upon it as a team. No spending outside of the agreed upon items in the budget. Let her explain the “final” notice issues. Maybe she is paying others off and first and cash flowing to get to those items later. She can “handle” the finances but you both are obligated to care for the household together.

Don’t let this drive a wedge between you. Use it as an opportunity to advance the goals of your marriage promises. You might be interested in some Dave Ramsey material on the web. It’s Christian centered financial counseling - which also means marriage counseling comes with it. Good luck and God bless.
 
mommyof4 said:
After 17 years of marriage, and many ups and downs on the financial side of things, my husband and I have come to a workable method. We have a yours, mine, and ours account. We have all three accounts at one bank, so we can transfer money back and forth as needed very easily via internet banking.

Out of my account, I pay the bills that I am responsible for - car payment, lunches, gas, my own clothing, my own credit cards,etc. He has the same set up, also, for his own personal expenses. Then in the joint account, we both deposit a predetermined amount of money into that account every month, and that account pays for the mortgage, groceries, electric bill, and all of that other fun stuff. My husband is in charge of the joint account, and he has everything set up on automatic payments, so we don’t have to worry about remembering to pay certain bills, either.

We have been doing this for a few years, and so far, it has been the most successful method that we have tried so far.

I hope this helps!
Click to expand...
👍 We have been doing this for awhile too so I agree, it has made me more accountable to myself as also to my DH in the joint. I finnally had to cut up the credit cards and the counseling is a good idea to continue for the OP.
Best of the Lord’s blessing on your marriage problemOP and you will need it. Honesty in money issues was a big plus and help in our marriage and the one cannot bury the head in the sand and say that the one did not know, becuae to let one person do it all is not very nice to the other, it is not a partnership. There were many a supper of hot dog and macncheese. Dessert
 
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