Getting married but will live apart

  • Thread starter Thread starter love4mary
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

love4mary

Guest
I will be getting married this May, only 40 days away:eek:

He lives 2 hours from me and almost 3 hours from work if he were to leave from my house. He has 12 years with this company and due to physical reasons (he is an amputee), will not have an easy time of finding work in my area that would pay him even close to what he is making now.

My situation is that I have two son’s in a better school system then where my fiancé lives. My youngest before I gained custody of him was moved at least 8 times in his first five years and another move would be emotionally damaging to him. My oldest son is starting high school this year and will be a starter on the football team, where my fiancé lives there is NO football team, and I am starting nursing school in September. It will take one year for me to complete my studies before I can start bringing in enough money to support the entire family.

For at least a year, my new husband will have to continue to live at his present home during the week and will only be able to be with us on the weekends, this is the only way he can continue to work at his present job (there are NO job opportunities in my area for a 50 year old amputee). Has anyone else had to endure this kind of arraignment in their marriage (other then the military of course)?

I feel like I will have a “part time” husband and the kids will have a “part time step-dad”.
 
I think living together is extremely important for husband and wife. I suppose living apart temporarily, with a set end date in mind, could be done morals-wise, but at what cost to your husband-wife relationship and to his establishing a fatherly-relationship with your sons?

If your nursing school will only take one year, what about postponing the wedding until that year is over, and you and your sons can move to his area to begin your married life under the best possible circumstances, living together instead of apart?

Best wishes.
Christine
 
While I wish you well… one of the points I learned in Retrouvialle about types of marital troubles was the *married and living a single life-style. *

We had some tremendous stressors on our marriage and even though we have had a very strong relationship - we were headed for trouble from having to pull back and heal ourselves after some major losses. We are making it, but it easy and our commitment had to be strengthened even after 20 years.

I hope that with specific dates in mind that you can survive the living apart thing. Pray hard and seek counsel from your pastor, too.
 
Well I know you said besides the military but I spent the who first year of marriage living in another state. The longest time period we spent together was 10 days. We saw each other about once a month on average except when he was out to sea. So it’s not fun but it is survivable.
 
Mamamull said:
While I wish you well… one of the points I learned in Retrouvialle about types of marital troubles was the *married and living a single life-style. *

We had some tremendous stressors on our marriage and even though we have had a very strong relationship - we were headed for trouble from having to pull back and heal ourselves after some major losses. We are making it, but it easy and our commitment had to be strengthened even after 20 years.

I hope that with specific dates in mind that you can survive the living apart thing. Pray hard and seek counsel from your pastor, too.
Click to expand...
Married/single as referenced in Retrovaille is being married but living as if you were single as in not having a couple mindset, doing your own thing because you want to. I don’t think this situation is what they were talking about. The married/single problem can happen to couples living in under the same roof.
 
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I can understand why there might be situations where for a short amount of time a husband and a wife might need to live apart. With what you are describing though, it sounds like you could be apart for a few years. I have to wonder though, are there things that you are putting in front of your marriage that you shouldn’t?

Should your son being on a football team come before your marriage? Should a job come before a marriage?

Sometimes sacrifices have to be made to be together as a family, and maybe you need to talk about what is truly important.
 
Speak with your Priest -

Have you put down on paper the cost of maintaining two households vs him finding a different job?

Perhaps it might be best to delay marriage until your children are out of high school?

Marriage is not easy, marriage to a disabled person is adds to that, bringing in step parents adds another, and distance yet another - some pre-mariatal counseling could not hurt.
 
ChristineML said:
I think living together is extremely important for husband and wife. I suppose living apart temporarily, with a set end date in mind, could be done morals-wise, but at what cost to your husband-wife relationship and to his establishing a fatherly-relationship with your sons?

If your nursing school will only take one year, what about postponing the wedding until that year is over, and you and your sons can move to his area to begin your married life under the best possible circumstances, living together instead of apart?

Best wishes.
Christine
Click to expand...
But her kids are in a better school system where she lives now. They should not be moved out of a good school system into one that is not as good.
 
kage_ar said:
Have you put down on paper the cost of maintaining two households vs him finding a different job?
Click to expand...
Good idea! Two rent/mortgage payments, two water bills, two food bills, two gas/electricity bills, plus the gasoline to travel back and forth every weekend, and the cost of counseling to help learn ways to keep a marriage together despite the stress of separation from the very beginning without a history of better times to lean on OR less salary. You might come out better having him move in with you.
 
love4mary said:
I feel like I will have a “part time” husband and the kids will have a “part time step-dad”.
Click to expand...
Since you are not married I think you do have to make decisions that are in the best interest of your children. To put a marriage that hasn’t happened before your children is just not right. So I think you do need to stay where you are, at least for the time being. (If you were already married, I’d say the children would have to deal with things.)

If you intend to go ahead with this marriage, you both probably need to approach things as if this were a military situation.

Do I understand that you eventually plan to support your husband-to-be? Will he adjust well to being a stay-at-home stepdad? I can’t help wondering if being able to work is especially important to someone in his situation.
 
I know you said besides the military, but as a military wife I have to chime in and say that it is possible to maintain a good marriage during a long absence…esp. if he can come home on weekends! I only wish my military husband and I had had such an option (😛 ).
If I were you, I’d ask him to start looking for a job near your location so you could keep your kids in good schools. Is that a possibility?
 
When I finish my schooling and start work, I will from the git go make more money then he does now. We know that the first year is going to be difficult and have talked about every possible situation that we can think of that may come up. He will spend that week of our wedding (he took that week off from work) looking for work, but being an amputee, even in todays PC world is not easy, Plus his whole are is worn out from constant use so finding other employment was a situation he was facing anyway.

His home is on family land and his home is one his dad built, so the expense of keeping it would be minimal. BUT, it is not a home where I and my children could live in. No heat (only a small wood burning stove in the kitchen) and poor insulation makes for a long cold winter. He lives in the mountains of Tennessee (Gods country for sure) and comes from a poor but loving family. The nearest neighbor is a car drive away, and although he is used to living in solitiute, me and the kids are not.

Changing school systems is out of the question as well. They are in better schools here and my youngest requires special educational assistence which he would not get if we moved in with my future husband. Postponing the wedding till the kids are out of school is not an option either. They all love each other so much and my boys WANT a step-dad in their lives and my intended WANTS to be a dad to them.

I believe the wives, and yes even husbands of military wives are a wonderful example of how a marriage can work under such circumstances. (God Bless our Military Hero’s).

My children and I are used to NOT wanting for much as my late husband provided a means of supporting his family even after his death, I receive military survivors benefits from his time in the service were he was disabled, (before I met him), but after my upcoming marriage, that will not be the case. Maybe this is what/how God has planned things if you will to teach us all how to live more humble lives.
 
If you will both be essentially supporting your own households, then why couldnt he come live with you right away. I mean if what you make now supports you and your children, One more mouth to feed shouldnt put that much more on you financially, and you could make cutbacks where you need to so that you could live together, then he could sell his house, use the money to live on with you until he finds a job.
If you have already made up your mind to live seperate, then God Bless
 
ChristineML said:
I think living together is extremely important for husband and wife. I suppose living apart temporarily, with a set end date in mind, could be done morals-wise, but at what cost to your husband-wife relationship and to his establishing a fatherly-relationship with your sons?

If your nursing school will only take one year, what about postponing the wedding until that year is over, and you and your sons can move to his area to begin your married life under the best possible circumstances, living together instead of apart?

Best wishes.
Christine
Click to expand...
Christine is absolutely right.
 
I’m with Christine, what’s the point of getting married now if you’re not going to set up home together (apart from the fact that it ‘legitimises’ sex…but that may not be a priority for you ). Why not stay engaged and see eachother casually, and then marry when he’s in a position to retire/sell that house in the mountains where you and the kids can’t possibly live…I wouldn’t do it! Besides, the divorce-rate in the army and navy is pretty high, so for a lot of people it just doesn’t work…because marriage was never supposed to be that way…

Anna x
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top