Getting ready for "the talk"

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I am the single father of 5 beautiful little girls. The oldest is 10 and I was shocked over the weekend to see the beginnings of some… changes in her body. This then led me to the absolutely terrifying thought of having “the talk” with her.

I am a devout Catholic that does his best to adhere to ALL of the Churches teachings. I would like to incorporate some aspects of the Theology of the Body, but am having trouble finding source material for having the talk from a Catholic perspective.

The material that I have been able to find is geared towards teens and already assumes that the child is aware of the basic mechanics of sex and that sexual attraction “exists”. I don’t plan on giving this talk anytime soon, but my personality is to research, research, research, in order to prepare myself for a given situation. Thank you for any help you may provide.

Pax Christi,

Alfredo
 
10 years old is awfully late. Many girls get their periods at age 9 or 10. And unless you have her locked in a box, you can be certain that she and all the girls she associates with have been talking about this subject for months now, and probably passing around some pretty wrong information.

So my advice is, don’t wait any longer. Get going and have that talk this week.

Is there any chance that a woman relative could do this instead of you? Hopefully you have a very close relationship with your daughters. But I think a lot of girls would still be embarrassed to talk about periods, sex, etc. with a man, even their own daddy.
 
Try looking up talks by Colleen Kelly Mast…she is great!

And I don’t think 10 is late at all! I am in my twenties, and all of my friends and I got our periods around the ages of 13 and 14.

She probably knows a lot more than you think, but it will be nice for her to know that she can lean on you if she needs to, and she needs a solid Catholic perspective on all these changes!
 
Try www.sexrespect.com - She has some material geared towards younger children that might be of use to you. And she is super duper Catholic:thumbsup:

Gertie
 
10 doesn’t seem late to me, either. It seems like a good age. I mean, obviously if it had come up earlier you would have addressed it earlier.

Anyway… my oldest is an 8 year old boy and having this talk frightens me, too, even though he already knows the biological differences between males and females, how a baby develops in utero, how a baby is delivered, etc. We have done a lot of talking but that one big talk scares me. However, I am blessed that is father is here to be a part of that, too.

She may not even need the whole talk in one sitting. You could just approach first with discussing the changes in her body and that they are happening because someday her body will be able to grow a baby, when she is grown up and married. Or whatever. Then in another few months you could approach the whole sex talk.

Oh, I read this blog article a few weeks ago and thought it was very insightful about pre-teen girls. There is also a book recommendation in there. ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.ca/2011/04/the12-year-old-girl-six-thoughts.html
 
alfinator said:
I am the single father of 5 beautiful little girls. The oldest is 10 and I was shocked over the weekend to see the beginnings of some… changes in her body. This then led me to the absolutely terrifying thought of having “the talk” with her.

I am a devout Catholic that does his best to adhere to ALL of the Churches teachings. I would like to incorporate some aspects of the Theology of the Body, but am having trouble finding source material for having the talk from a Catholic perspective.

The material that I have been able to find is geared towards teens and already assumes that the child is aware of the basic mechanics of sex and that sexual attraction “exists”. I don’t plan on giving this talk anytime soon, but my personality is to research, research, research, in order to prepare myself for a given situation. Thank you for any help you may provide.

Pax Christi,

Alfredo
Click to expand...
Find a female relative and have her talk with your daughter. Depending on the age of your kids, this relative should be talking to more of your daughters as well.

There shouldn’t be one talk about bodies, sex and sexuality, and menarche. There should be many, each geared to child’s age and development level, starting when they are much younger than 10.

Also, were I you I’d buy a stash of menstrual pads of various sizes as well as some tampons and keep them handy. Nothing scented. Better to be prepared than to have to head out to the store at 10:00 p.m.

Luna
 
kristacecilia said:
10 doesn’t seem late to me, either. It seems like a good age. I mean, obviously if it had come up earlier you would have addressed it earlier.

Anyway… my oldest is an 8 year old boy and having this talk frightens me, too, even though he already knows the biological differences between males and females, how a baby develops in utero, how a baby is delivered, etc. ** We have done a lot of talking but that one big talk scares me. ** However, I am blessed that is father is here to be a part of that, too.

She may not even need the whole talk in one sitting. You could just approach first with discussing the changes in her body and that they are happening because someday her body will be able to grow a baby, when she is grown up and married. Or whatever. Then in another few months you could approach the whole sex talk.

Oh, I read this blog article a few weeks ago and thought it was very insightful about pre-teen girls. There is also a book recommendation in there. ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.ca/2011/04/the12-year-old-girl-six-thoughts.html
Click to expand...
It is not going to be “that one big talk.” In fact, the very first thing you need to let your kids know is that they can come to you with ANYTHING and you will not freak out or condemn them. And you have to MEAN that!!! And then everything else happens as it happens…And if it’s boys, your husband should take the lead, as long as he is down with everything the Church teaches.

To the OP, You have to start out slowly and wait for the child to ask questions. Also, opportunities come up in daily life to explore topics, such as seeing a Victoria’s Secret commercial shown during a baseball game on TV, for example. You use those moments to get the points across without making it a huge dramatic theatrical Big Talk.

I would also advise getting an auntie or her grandmother to discuss the embarrassing stuff with her. I remember so well how MORTIFIED I was when my dad had to take me to buy my first bra. (My mom died when I was 10.) 😊 She and all your girls are going to need women in their lives from here on out. I did have my sister to help me when I got my period, thank God! I don’t know if I could have recovered if I had to ask my dad to buy my pads…

But even if you do have female relatives helping, you do need to keep involved in her sexual education - mostly teaching her what it means to be a woman and how men should treat her.
 
My oldest, all boys, is nine and a half and I’m actually throwing things out from time to time to see if he wants to discuss things. I think 10 is a good age, I asked when I was 7 which was probably a little young but I got a straight answer. I don’t want him nor his brothers getting a bunch of misinformation when they could get it from me.

As someone else said letting them ask questions is a big part of them feeling comfortable and be honest on everything, they will find out othwise. As I Presbyterian Youth Director I used to have a discussion on this topic every year, it will be a little bit different with my own sons and the fact that many of the beliefs are different, at least to a degree. Helping them undrestand that degree though is one of the things I hope I can accomplish the most.

Most importantly, pray about it, for God to give you the right words and for her to have the ears to hear. He will answer your prayers!

Joe
 
A note of caution about tampons, since they were mentioned: they present certain health risks that external protection (like pads) don’t. I wouldn’t recommend them for a young girl at all. Increased risk of vaginal ulcers and dryness is not a good thing, but increased risk of toxic shock syndrome (especially in young women), is just not worth it in my opinion.

As for Catholic resources, try “parents, children, and the facts of life”, by Fr. Sattler. I’ve come across it at Catholic bookstores, but Amazon carries pretty much everything these days.
 
Best book ever for giving THE TALK to a child this age: The Joyful Mysteries of Life
amazon.com/Joyful-Mysteries-Life-Catherine-Scherrer/dp/0898706300/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335306069&sr=8-1
It is more about sex though (seriously, does a BEAUTIFUL job of explaining both the mechanics, the purpose, and the spiritual side of the marital embrace), and while it does touch on body maturation, it won’t be sufficient to guide her through the process of the details. I have a daughter who is 9.5, and I haven’t noticed any signs of puberty yet, therefore I am waiting until she turns 10 to do this - I just bought the American Girl Doll book “The Care and Keeping of You” which is supposed to be more about the details of getting your period, etc… I haven’t read through it all yet though, so I’m not sure if it is appropriate on every level (I do believe that it doesn’t talk about sex itself).
 
Thank you to everyone for your responses, especially the book recommendation and the site recommendation. Here are some links to what I found:

An Amazon link to the book mentioned:
amazon.com/gp/product/0895554895/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER

I found the following at the Sex Respect Website Blob:
sexrespect.com/blog.html?fb_22237562_anch=23362177

What do I tell my 10 year old daughter about womanhood?
*It’s time to build a more intimate woman-to woman relationship with your little girl, at a special talk and many ongoing ones.
*
The Six Ms for pre-puberty girls:

1.** Modesty:** Avoid the problem of provoking the eye of lustful men with your clothing as you grow in womanhood and beauty. Show him your skin, his hormones rush in! Enhance feminine beauty without looking sexy so men will see you as a person rather than a body with parts he likes. The purpose of a bra is to support, protect and cover, not entice. Disrobing is only for the honeymoon, not before. She must work to keep her mind pure from sexy movies, magazines and TV shows. Her modesty protects her purity and chastity.
  1. Menstrual cycle: Normal process to prepare for motherhood, not a sickness, usually not painful. Happens monthly from puberty to menopause, stops during pregnancy. Purpose of cycle (preparing uterine lining) is fulfilled during pregnancy. How to use sanitary supplies. Celebrate this privilege of womanhood and fertility together. Improve diet to prevent PMS. Discuss fetal growth and development using pro-life materials if you haven’t already. Discussion of conception is optional until puberty if she doesn’t ask.
  2. Men and women are different: Each gender has different gifts. They see life differently and have different emotional responses and methods of communication. Be observant of this as she sees boys and girls become men and women, so she’ll be more understanding later. The girls will be physically mature before many of the boys in their class, and the girls who start chasing boys early are not the ones who end up with the best marriages.
  3. Mary, our model of meekness: The Blessed Virgin Mary is a role model for women. She was not aggressive, obnoxious or gossipy. Remind your daughter that she will see many girls become louder and more immature when they physically develop if they do not know that a girl has to work spiritually to become virtuous. Meekness is inner strength without impulsiveness. Look to Mary, your heavenly mother, for guidance.
5.** Moodiness:** When the hormones start accelerating, she will find herself struggling with moodiness. Instead of making excuses for her hormones, it’s time to strengthen her will so as not to live by her whims. Be sympathetic that she will not recognize or even like herself some days during big hormone fluctuations. Understandable, not excusable. A good diet without chocolate, caffeine, junk food and sugar will reduce the mood shifts. A deeper prayer life will draw her to Christ and His mother during the confusing times.
  1. Marriage is a vocation that God calls many people to. Not all are called to be married. Pray to know God’s will for your future. For now, develop your talents, skills and virtues so that you will be prepared for life. At the right time, God will send you the right mate. Don’t rush it yourself. Marriage is a sacrament that gives the couples His grace to grow closer to God through their lifetime of marriage and lead one another to heaven.
 
I second the idea of a female relative being involved.

That said, the best times for these embarrassing talks is in the car. You have a captive audience, and don’t have to have eye contact. You can talk a little or talk a lot.
 
Here -for your reading (and ALL other parents) --from the Church on the subject:

vatican.va/roman_curia/pontifical_councils/family/index.htm

Scroll down to the document:
Code: 
*  The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality (1995)
and pick what language you wish to read it in.

It is a MUST document from the Pontifical Council on the Family on this very subject.
oh…and my son is going on 3 --so we have already had that talk…

:eek:

(not!)

But ALL readers -please make sure you read this document!
 
Happy we could help 🙂

On a final note…

As a woman who grew up in a large family with sisters, I’d just like to address the paragraph on moodiness. No chocolate (or sugar) sounds a little bit…extreme to me. In fact, it sounds like a punishment!. I would have actually recommended just the opposite (and I know my Mom would too). A little bit of chocolate can go a long way to help with pms and moodswings, especially a good, healthy dark chocolate (which contain magnesium and mood-boosting fatty acids). :cool:
 
alfinator said:
I am a devout Catholic that does his best to adhere to ALL of the Churches teachings. I would like to incorporate some aspects of the Theology of the Body, but am having trouble finding source material for having the talk from a Catholic perspective.

Alfredo
Click to expand...
I guess another woman would be able to help you like an aunt or something. Other than that just go straight to the answer whenever the little girls ask you questions. In my opinion, honesty is what matters during a conversation. I hope that I have been somewhat some help. Blessings.🙂
 
sweetpetunia said:
A note of caution about tampons, since they were mentioned: they present certain health risks that external protection (like pads) don’t. I wouldn’t recommend them for a young girl at all. Increased risk of vaginal ulcers and dryness is not a good thing, but increased risk of toxic shock syndrome (especially in young women), is just not worth it in my opinion.
Click to expand...
I second this. Tampons shouldn’t be used until the young girl is a bit older and a bit more mature and has a better understanding of her body.
They do pose health risks if not used properly.

She should use tampons that fit for her menstrual flow. Too light can cause accidents and too heavy can cause infections. She won’t know this the first year or more.
 
I have three girls, the youngest is 11. My heart goes out to a dad raising girls all by himself.

I will just add some emphasis to things already said.

10 would be an early period. I don’t know what part of the world 9 or 10 is normal. 12 or 13 is normal. Especially for girls living with their biological father, since his proximity (hormones?) delays their puberty. Thin girls start later too as a rule.

DEFINITELY get a female friend or relative to help with talking about sex. That’s not traditionally the dad’s job for a number of reasons, but you have been blessed with an unusual position.
Definitely let them lead the discussion, and don’t tell more than they want to know.
I remember reading a psychologist who said starting before puberty on the discussion was important because afterwards they clam up.

Two more pieces of advice: The best thing you can do as a Dad is love them with all your heart and treat them as you would want them to be treated by any man in their life. Girls tend to model their boyfriends after their fathers.

And as they reach puberty remember: Sometimes the best thing you can do is understand that you don’t understand–teenage girl land is sometimes an irrational wilderness. I dont’ know how many times I have said. “You are right I don’t understand. But no matter what, I love you.”
 
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