Girlfriend broke up with me, don't know what to do

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JustinMartyr100

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My girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. I’m down in the dumps and I don’t really know what I should do. I know people have posted on here with bigger problems, such as marriage problem’s, and her and I had only known eachother for about 4 months. Reading some of these threads have made me feel better.

I had just come back to the Catholic Church from the secular world this past April. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship since about 5 years prior, rather I had been somewhat of a serial dater. God converted my heart when I came back to the Church. Eventually I met her, strong Catholic values, loyal, hold’s strongly to all of the moral teachings of the Church, and we happened to mesh really well. From the outside, she was the girl I had been looking for, we got serious pretty fast. Over the past month or so, I started finding out things about her that would lead to problems. It seems like she has a bad mix of naivete along with a lack of common sense. Without getting into details, this was a cause for huge worry. She would tell me things, idea’s, thing’s she’s done in her past, etc. When I’d confront her with my concerns, she just wouldn’t understand, we couldn’t see eye to eye, at all, and she would say things like “I feel like I’m not the girl your looking for, I don’t know what I can do to make you happier.” Yes, I can be a worrier… These conversations would make me think things like “could I really be married to someone who would make me worry constantly? are we really compatable? if not, should we just get it over with now?” Since I care about her a lot, I decided I’d just wait it out and keep talking to her and see if things got better. Also, she’s only 20, maybe she just has some maturing still to go through and things would get better with time…so I wasn’t so quick to give up. Maybe I was over reacting. I didn’t want to make the decision to break up without serious thought. While I still don’t know the exact reason she wanted to break up, I have a strong feeling that we were both feeling the same way, she was just more decisive about it than I was.

Maybe I’m still feeling a bit too attached, but I’ve been thinking about sending her an email incase there is a possibility of us getting back together and coming to some understandings (which I’m sure won’t happen even if I did). Maybe things weren’t so bad, maybe I was overreacting when she would tell me about her crazy ideas. If that is the case then I don’t want to give up on what we had. If that is not the case, and I email her and she decides that she does want to get back together, I do not want to go through this again. I just do not know what to do. Catholic girls are hard to come by (on another note, sometimes I’ve wondered, even since I met her, if the key reason I was attracted to her is because she’s Catholic and holds to all of the moral teachings). Do I move on, or try to talk to her? On the other hand, what if I do move on and meet someone new, and I was supposed to end up with her? As I said, I have not been in a serious relationship, now in about 6 years. I am not used to going through this detachment, and lonelyness. And I have no idea where I’m going to meet another Catholic girl eventually.

Obviously I am very confused. If anyone has some words of wisdom for me, that would be great. Otherwise, this has been a good outlet to vent!

Thanks for reading my lengthy post!
 
Ite ad Joseph!

Here is a cute story I am personally familiar with.

A young woman from the middle east (I believe she was a Lebanese Catholic) had lived in the states most her adult life. She was in her late twenties and had pretty much given up on finding a good Catholic man. She had exhausted all prayers and was in a state of dismay. She had a great devotion to saint Joseph and prayed daily to him to find her a spouse.
Since she was in such a sorry state of affairs she took her small statue of St. Joseph and chucked it out her apartment window. She lived on an upper story.
Five or so minutes passed when she got a knock on her door. There stood a good looking young man rubbing a knot on his noggin.
He looked at her rather quizically and asked if the statue was her statue.
She admitted it was and apologised all over the place for having hit him…
Today they are a happily married couple!
Don’t ever give up on God…He never gives up on us:D
 
please trust your gut instincts. If you feel in your heart that she is not the right person for you, then she is not.

have faith in God. He will bring the right person along when the time is right.

Get involved in church ministries and you will eventually find someone who is running alongside you in the ministry and that will be your partner… just imagine how wonderful that would be…

allow the Holy Spirit to guide you and pray to Mother Mary… 🙂
 
You are very vague (which is okay to protect privacy) but that makes it hard to tell if this was simply a disagreement from differing personalities, or if you two had different standards and values, or even faiths.

If she was Catholic but perhaps not fully aware of what this entails, it may be best to simply let this go and pray for her journey.

I’m 20 and I don’t feel any confusion over the faith, although I know I have plenty more to learn about it. I also have a fiancee who strongly agrees with the values talked about in our relationship.

Just browse some of the threads about husbands having their hearts broken because their wife wants to contracept. Best to be open with your values and if she doesn’t want to or can’t agree, why struggle along with it?
 
hasikelee said:
You are very vague (which is okay to protect privacy) but that makes it hard to tell if this was simply a disagreement from differing personalities, or if you two had different standards and values, or even faiths.

If she was Catholic but perhaps not fully aware of what this entails, it may be best to simply let this go and pray for her journey.

I’m 20 and I don’t feel any confusion over the faith, although I know I have plenty more to learn about it. I also have a fiancee who strongly agrees with the values talked about in our relationship.

Just browse some of the threads about husbands having their hearts broken because their wife wants to contracept. Best to be open with your values and if she doesn’t want to or can’t agree, why struggle along with it?
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I was vague to protect privacy. Long story short. She is very intelligent, and definitly knows what the Church teaches, and does not compromise whatsoever on the morals, and wants to follow the Church. However, it seems she sticks to the bare minimum…holds to the moral teachings exactly, but still, bare minimum.

The big problem that I had was that she was a bit naive, and lacked common sense. I’d constantly worry for her safety, and that would frustrate her in return. We just couldn’t see eye to eye. She may even have a little mental illness, she was contantly telling me that she’s crazy.

I’m confused because I don’t know if this is just simply her personality and it will never change, or if it’s because she’s young and still has more maturing to do. That said, again, I don’t know if I should try to work things out with her or not. She is the one who broke up with me, and she’s a pretty decisive person, so it probably wouldn’t matter either way. Still, I’m having trouble with the thought of moving on.
 
Hello. I feel your pain. Here is my similar situation. I too wondered if we could really make it because it looked like there could be invalid marriage in the end. Otherwise it was such a lovely, good and kind girl, very moral and decent. Just didn’t know if she would ever want to have children and generally didn’t feel great about bringing them up as Catholics.
 
Here is what you can do to help feel better.

Go spend time at church alone at Adoration or just in front of the tabernacle.

Ask God to just give you peace, healing, strength and joy in being with God. Ask God for the help you seek to know what you should do.

Trust that He will help you in your time of need.

Every time pain comes in your heart - seek the Holy Spirit to lift it away.

I had ended a long and difficult relationship a while back. Some days it was all I could do just to sit in church and just listen. It was amazing the feelings of peace that God would send me.

And healing did come.

God is good.
 
Hey Man,

Check out this book: The Thrill of the Chaste by Dawn Eden. www.thrillofthechaste.com

It’s pretty cool, and it’ll give you something to look forward to reading.

These forums seem to help too. At least you’re not stuck with someone who you don’t think is willing to communicate about tough issues.
  • Joe
 
JustinMartyr100 said:
My girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. I’m down in the dumps and I don’t really know what I should do. I know people have posted on here with bigger problems, such as marriage problem’s, and her and I had only known eachother for about 4 months. Reading some of these threads have made me feel better.

I had just come back to the Catholic Church from the secular world this past April. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship since about 5 years prior, rather I had been somewhat of a serial dater. God converted my heart when I came back to the Church. Eventually I met her, strong Catholic values, loyal, hold’s strongly to all of the moral teachings of the Church, and we happened to mesh really well. From the outside, she was the girl I had been looking for, we got serious pretty fast. Over the past month or so, I started finding out things about her that would lead to problems. It seems like she has a bad mix of naivete along with a lack of common sense. Without getting into details, this was a cause for huge worry. She would tell me things, idea’s, thing’s she’s done in her past, etc. When I’d confront her with my concerns, she just wouldn’t understand, we couldn’t see eye to eye, at all, and she would say things like “I feel like I’m not the girl your looking for, I don’t know what I can do to make you happier.” Yes, I can be a worrier… These conversations would make me think things like “could I really be married to someone who would make me worry constantly? are we really compatable? if not, should we just get it over with now?” Since I care about her a lot, I decided I’d just wait it out and keep talking to her and see if things got better. Also, she’s only 20, maybe she just has some maturing still to go through and things would get better with time…so I wasn’t so quick to give up. Maybe I was over reacting. I didn’t want to make the decision to break up without serious thought. While I still don’t know the exact reason she wanted to break up, I have a strong feeling that we were both feeling the same way, she was just more decisive about it than I was.

Maybe I’m still feeling a bit too attached, but I’ve been thinking about sending her an email incase there is a possibility of us getting back together and coming to some understandings (which I’m sure won’t happen even if I did). Maybe things weren’t so bad, maybe I was overreacting when she would tell me about her crazy ideas. If that is the case then I don’t want to give up on what we had. If that is not the case, and I email her and she decides that she does want to get back together, I do not want to go through this again. I just do not know what to do. Catholic girls are hard to come by (on another note, sometimes I’ve wondered, even since I met her, if the key reason I was attracted to her is because she’s Catholic and holds to all of the moral teachings). Do I move on, or try to talk to her? On the other hand, what if I do move on and meet someone new, and I was supposed to end up with her? As I said, I have not been in a serious relationship, now in about 6 years. I am not used to going through this detachment, and lonelyness. And I have no idea where I’m going to meet another Catholic girl eventually.

Obviously I am very confused. If anyone has some words of wisdom for me, that would be great. Otherwise, this has been a good outlet to vent!

Thanks for reading my lengthy post!
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Okay, I can’t speak on the issue of whether you should or shouldn’t try to patch things up or not since I don’t know the whole of the story. However, I did notice that you were thinking about emailing her. DON’T! Email is NOT the medium to use for serious issues of a personal nature. If you care about this girl (and you say you do), then she deserves a face to face with you on this matter. Invite her to a neutral place (a restaurant perhaps) and talk it out. This allows both parties to SEE one another during the conversation. Our words are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to communication. You need to watch her body language, see her expressions, and have questions answered as they come up and she needs the same from you. If it’s over, then perhaps it’s for the best. If there’s a possibility of a reconciliation, your best bet is NOT via email.
 
Tietjen said:
Okay, I can’t speak on the issue of whether you should or shouldn’t try to patch things up or not since I don’t know the whole of the story. However, I did notice that you were thinking about emailing her. DON’T! Email is NOT the medium to use for serious issues of a personal nature. If you care about this girl (and you say you do), then she deserves a face to face with you on this matter. Invite her to a neutral place (a restaurant perhaps) and talk it out. This allows both parties to SEE one another during the conversation. Our words are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to communication. You need to watch her body language, see her expressions, and have questions answered as they come up and she needs the same from you. If it’s over, then perhaps it’s for the best. If there’s a possibility of a reconciliation, your best bet is NOT via email.
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Very wise advice.
 
Welcome to my world, friend. Or what it was anyway. During my teens up to my late twenties, I got nothing but rejection and I got dumped by my first girlfriend at the age of 22. I understand your pain or rather felt your pain. The depression and loneliness… that’s normal just don’t give in to them. The expression, “there’s always someone better,” is quite true.

Being lonely feels like ****… and guess what? This is how divorce feels like. We are human beings so its normal to feel sad. But like I said, don’t give in to them, they’re just emotions and they don’t qualify as decision makers.

You should pray to have more faith in God and share with him your pain in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This helps, believe it or not.

Ever heard of the Theology of the Body? It has good applications for situations like this.

Anyway it goes like this, think of having a girlfriend this way… you’re preparing her to be the best gift that she is for the person she’s going to end up with. Now the person she ends up with may be you or someone else. In essence she should be doing the same thing, she should be building you up as the best gift you are for the woman you end up with.

On another note, God will send people in our lives in hope to shape us and build us to be gifts for one God is preparing for us.

I am now married after being shot down numerous times. I finally found that one person whom I believe God sent my way.

What’s the moral of the story? Be patient, don’t lose hope. Keep the faith. (Jesus never dumps us) Just continue to build yourself up as the special wonderful gift for this woman God is preparing somewhere else. And when it’s time, you’ll be both packaged up and sent to each other’s way (sometimes, when you least expect it).
 
JustinMartyr100 said:
I was vague to protect privacy. Long story short. She is very intelligent, and definitly knows what the Church teaches, and does not compromise whatsoever on the morals, and wants to follow the Church. However, it seems she sticks to the bare minimum…holds to the moral teachings exactly, but still, bare minimum.

The big problem that I had was that she was a bit naive, and lacked common sense. I’d constantly worry for her safety, and that would frustrate her in return. We just couldn’t see eye to eye. She may even have a little mental illness, she was contantly telling me that she’s crazy.

I’m confused because I don’t know if this is just simply her personality and it will never change, or if it’s because she’s young and still has more maturing to do. That said, again, I don’t know if I should try to work things out with her or not. She is the one who broke up with me, and she’s a pretty decisive person, so it probably wouldn’t matter either way. Still, I’m having trouble with the thought of moving on.
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It sounds simply as if you two were on different faith journeys. She may have been following the teachings of Christ the same way a child follows a mother’s command, without understanding why or truly wanting to.

I’ve always seen our journey in faith as three stages. One, you follow what Christ says because you fear going to hell. You listen because He told you so. Two, you follow what Christ says because you have knowledge/understanding and see it is the right thing to do. Three, you follow Christ because you love Him. He could ask you to die and you would.

Think of a child commanded not to cross the street. At age 2 he won’t because he is afraid Daddy will yell. At age 7 he won’t because he is afraid of being run over. And hopefully your child will grow to obey you because he loves you.

Sometimes people put #3 as the first stage. Sometimes you are inbetween stages.

But being on different journeys can cause a lot of stress. You might be asking deep questions about your faith, while she never even thought to ask yet. You might feel more obligated, or “get more out of it” she might be bored and be doing it just because she has to.

Or I could be going off on a tangent…
 
Mary_Henley said:
Ite ad Joseph!

Here is a cute story I am personally familiar with.

A young woman from the middle east (I believe she was a Lebanese Catholic) had lived in the states most her adult life. She was in her late twenties and had pretty much given up on finding a good Catholic man. She had exhausted all prayers and was in a state of dismay. She had a great devotion to saint Joseph and prayed daily to him to find her a spouse.
Since she was in such a sorry state of affairs she took her small statue of St. Joseph and chucked it out her apartment window. She lived on an upper story.
Five or so minutes passed when she got a knock on her door. There stood a good looking young man rubbing a knot on his noggin.
He looked at her rather quizically and asked if the statue was her statue.
She admitted it was and apologised all over the place for having hit him…
Today they are a happily married couple!
Don’t ever give up on God…He never gives up on us:D
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Amen!

 
Is it possible that this girl is someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff because she is in love with God and trusts his mercy? She knows that she is obedient to the teachings of the Church, so that gives her some freedom to enjoy life, be a little bit crazy, and live in God’s love…maybe?
 
Who doesn’t have crazy ideas at 20? I mean I figured I was going to marry Nomar Garciaparra live in a fab loft in Charlestown and have a collection of Fendi bags and Manolos. I was also going to have a fortune 500 job with a corner office with a window. I did stupid things when I was twenty. Heck I continue to do stupid things now at 26. I stayed out all night dancing and drinking, I ran up credit card debt. I bought a dog. I got a tattoo. I got my eyebrow and tongue pierced. I did stupid things. But I was 20 that’s part of the fun 🙂 (I still have the dog, and the tattoo, and only occasionally do I stay out late drinking and dancing, and who’s Nomar again? Craig Hanson in my current BoSox boyfriend 🙂 ) I didnt want or need another dad to worry about my safety. I don’t think you should be that concerned or worried for her. Unless she’s shooting heroin, or stepping on the third rail of the subway, or wandering around bad areas at 2 in the morning wearing thousands of dollars in jewelry, she’s probably not doing anything so stupid to require her to be on your mind 24 hours a day over negative things.
 
JustinMartyr100 said:
She may even have a little mental illness, she was contantly telling me that she’s crazy…
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Red flag here.
She sounds a little flaky, or as OldAgeGuru points out, she’s only 20, we’re all pretty flaky at 20. But still, some women are more mature at that age, depending on how they are raised. She doesn’t really sound ready for marriage.
I’d wish her the best and keep looking for that special someone that God has for you.
It’s a painful trial to go through, and I sympathize, but having gone through this will make you more able to comfort others in the same situation.
 
dulcissima said:
Is it possible that this girl is someone who doesn’t sweat the small stuff because she is in love with God and trusts his mercy? She knows that she is obedient to the teachings of the Church, so that gives her some freedom to enjoy life, be a little bit crazy, and live in God’s love…maybe?
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That was a common excuse! I don’t want to call trusting in God’s mercy an excuse. Once I asked her, if you jump off the Empire State Building trusting God to keep you safe, is he going to give you a safe landing? She never thought about doing things like that, but you’d be surprised at some of things she would talk about, things that a normal person never think of in their wildest dreams. As I said before, possible mental illness. On the other hand, she is extremely intelligent, and has the best of intentions.

Again, I’m sorry for being so vague, but I do want to respect her privacy.
 
OldAgeGuru said:
Who doesn’t have crazy ideas at 20? I mean I figured I was going to marry Nomar Garciaparra live in a fab loft in Charlestown and have a collection of Fendi bags and Manolos. I was also going to have a fortune 500 job with a corner office with a window. I did stupid things when I was twenty. Heck I continue to do stupid things now at 26. I stayed out all night dancing and drinking, I ran up credit card debt. I bought a dog. I got a tattoo. I got my eyebrow and tongue pierced. I did stupid things. But I was 20 that’s part of the fun 🙂 (I still have the dog, and the tattoo, and only occasionally do I stay out late drinking and dancing, and who’s Nomar again? Craig Hanson in my current BoSox boyfriend 🙂 ) I didnt want or need another dad to worry about my safety. I don’t think you should be that concerned or worried for her. Unless she’s shooting heroin, or stepping on the third rail of the subway, or wandering around bad areas at 2 in the morning wearing thousands of dollars in jewelry, she’s probably not doing anything so stupid to require her to be on your mind 24 hours a day over negative things.
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She didn’t do the same crazy things that a typical 20 year old does, she just didn’t have the interest, at all. In fact, that was one of the selling points getting me interested in her. As I said in my last post, things that normal people don’t think of. Sadly, sometimes I felt like a second dad, having to help her out with her common sense 😦
 
Thank you for all of the replies. Some people commented on her “crazy ideas.” I mentioned the crazy ideas just to make the point that there were some things she did that I just couldn’t deal with, and that I wasn’t even %100 sure if we were compatable or not. I didn’t want to start the discussion specifically on her crazy ideas. I still think she is a great girl, and I feel bad focusing on talking about the bad things behind her back. I guess I was so vague that I needed to clarify things, so it’s not a problem.

If I don’t hear from her in a few days, I’m thinking about just starting up a dialogue. Probably via email. I do want to get back with her, but that may not be the best idea. So, I’m not going to try to get her back, just start a dialogue, and trust God with the rest. I want to be with the girl that He wants me to be with.
 
I guess I don’t understand. You think she is possibly mentally ill, not just a free spirit. You feel like you need to be her dad. Still, you want to get back with her? This just doesn’t add up. Maybe you’re not the right guy for her if you can’t treasure her for who she is, not who you think she should be. I definitely mean maybe when I say that, just something to think about. I think this girl is pretty wise to realize that the feeling that she can’t make you happy with her is a big red flag.

Some other things to think about, have you found that this girl brings you closer to God? How has the relationship influenced your prayer life? Do you find that being with her makes you want to be a better person? Do you realize that being in love is not just a nice feeling? Love is sacrificial. The fact that she broke up with you saying, “I feel like I’m not the girl you’re looking for; I don’t know what I can do to make you happier” tells me that she is not so naive and actually has a pretty good grasp on what real love is.
 
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