Giving compassionate advice when angry: Help!

[JJBlue]

My sister has decided to leave her husband of 21 years and senior in hs daughter for a new job 500 miles away. She announced this in January and is set to move this month. She has convinced herself that this will make for a wonderful life for her, she can’t wait! “A new life in a new city and to live alone again!” When I asked her about her only daughter she advised me that she planned on getting a web cam to make communication easier. Our mom and dad are both deceased (mom last fall). I cried myself to sleep last night wishing she would come to her senses. I have in the past had a “saving them” role in our family and gained distance from my siblings to create peace in my family with my hubby and 4 sons. Since mom’s death though I have felt that I wanted to save them all again. This is the second sister divorcing since mom’s death and another one is having a prescription drug problem. I am really the only one active in church, although they have told me they are prayerful. I want to help them. Show them the “Truth”. Show them the key to real deep wonderful joy. I have always prayed for this sister because she has defined herself by her professional position. Not as a wife and mom but as the vp of something or another… Anyway, I’m angry. I’m sad, I’m frustrated and I have not shared this with her for fear of blowing her out of the water and away from ever talking to me. Not that I fear that, just that I may be the only intimate contact she has with someone living the fullness of our faith. I have to see her on Saturday for a birthday party and thought I would give her a blessed medal or crucifix. I would love to share with her what’s on my mind but know she wouldn’t listen and a kid’s birthday party probably isn’t the right place…

Any advice from the crowd on this site is greatly appreciated as I have learned great charity from you all in reading your kind and generous advice while still being loyal to our faith…

Thank you,
Mrs. JJBlue

 

[Della]

First of all, you can’t take on your shoulders the duty of “saving” anyone. People have to be allowed to make their own mistakes or they never learn anything. As hard as it is to have to sit by and watch their self-destruction, no words of yours are going to make any difference to your sister since she has convinced herself running away will solve all her problems. She is going to have to learn on her own that it won’t work–the same with the one with the drug problem. They have to want to be helped before they will get help, and you can’t change that. I’d give her the medal, but without any sermonizing to go along with it. Just tell her you’ll be there for her if she needs you at any time and leave it at that. She has to take her own journey to God and so do you. Be thankful for your own dh and children. Give them yourself and let others go their own way, all the while praying for them. And be at peace!

 

[SMHW]

I agree that you can’t take of the burdon of saving your sister. You risk betraying your own husband and children. Sometimes one of life’s crosses is to have to sit by and NOT use our resources on someone we love.

By all means give her a crucifix or medal if it gives you some peace. But I think your compassion ought to be on the husband and daughter she is leaving behind. If you must spend your energy on her family perhaps it should be on your niece. Right now she needs you more than your sister does.

Your sister may need to be alone with her job and herself for a while before she can appreciate what she left behind.