God, Spirituality & Manic Depression (Bio-Polar Disorder)

[Swan]

I am having a terribly difficult time with God and all things spiritual due to my manic-depressive illness. Right now, for example, I’m pretty depressed and have been since about Oct. (yes, I have a doctor and am on medication). Sometime when I’m like this I find myself questioning if there is a God at all, or if it isn’t just some cosmic joke.

Let me provide a bit of background as I would really like to have some (name removed by moderator)ut as this is turning out to be really serious for me. I’ve always had these moods. The depression is more noticable to me, more bothersome (I think all BP folks say this). I became Catholic in 1990 because I felt strongly that this was what God wanted. I later felt I might be called to religious life. I was in the process of visiting different orders, etc. when in Oct. of 1992 I nosedived into a black hole of depression that led to hospitalization for suicidal thoughts. God disappeared. Despire my desperate prayers, I could not feel God at all - and this is on the heels of feeling God with me constantly so it was a bit shock. I felt abandoned, to say the least. I cannot articulate the hell I went through.

When I was released from the hospital after being diagnosed as BP and put on meds, I went back to church as usual. But - nothing. And I couldn’t keep it up, so I quit. Then I got mad and for the next decade or so I had nothing to do with God. I figured that either a) God was unable to help me, or 2) God chose not to help me. Either way, I got no help and that was all I needed to go elsewhere.

Finally, about 4 years ago I decided to go back to church. Things were fine. I once again felt led by God to make a life change - this time to make a mid-life career change and become a teacher. So I did. Can’t find a job. Had to quit my “good” job to do my student teaching. Doing temp work. No insurance. Filing bankruptcy. You’re probably getting the drift by now. Is this what God had in mind? Or did I conjure all of these very real “spiritual” experiences up in my bi-polar mind? If I did, then how can I trust anything “spiritual” I feel? Keep in mind, I’m not psychotic. I don’t hear voices or anything.

Anyway, I’m having a bad day and am getting pretty tired of feeling this way. I’d really like to know what you folks thing. Thanks.

 

[reen12]

Goodness, Swan, it’s hard to know where to begin, in responding to your heartfelt words.
[Slight background: have endured MI for 50 years. Was in a hellish depression, 13 years ago, that lasted for 3 years.]
Today, it is just depression, without such severity.

quote: Swan

Sometime when I’m like this I find myself questioning if there is a God at all, or if it isn’t just some cosmic joke

Yes. The cosmic joke. I surely have had a bitter thought, or two, about the celestial “arrangements” that saddled me with serious MI, for nearly a lifetime. I do understand this provisional assessment.

quote: Swan

I nosedived into a black hole of depression that led to hospitalization for suicidal thoughts.
God disappeared. Despire my desperate prayers, I could not feel God at all - and this is on the heels of feeling God with me constantly so it was a bit shock.
I felt abandoned, to say the least. I cannot articulate the hell I went through.

Anyone who has been severely depressed would likely understand - at least a bit - the depth of suffering that you endured.

I often picture a pasture, where Jesus is there, sitting on the ground. I then picture myself as one of the sheep that He spoke of. I go over and sit down and lean against Him. I don’t say anything, I just lean there.

When suffering is profoud, I sit at the foot of the cross. I say nothing, and neither does He. I lean against His cross, knowing that He, above all, understands feelings of abandonment and loss. I don’t need to say anything, I just need to be with Him.
This does not lessen the depression, but I do feel understood
by Him.

As to feeling God with you, and then Him seeming gone away,
many of the saints of the church would surely understand your experience.
Even Mother Teresa of Calcutta felt His absence, keenly. And she felt that way for decades, as she did His work - expressing her love of Him in such practical, down to earth ways.

I would not be so foolish, as to try to explain why God allows that which He allows. He does not cause injury and loss, but He does allow these realities. Why? I have no idea. People have been asking that question, for mellenia. "

There is an anecdote that helps - or at least it helped me:

A man walked down the beach with Jesus. They both left
footprints in the sand. This man felt very close to Him.
Then, suddenly, Jesus was gone.
Why have You left me? he cried.
How could You go away, when things are coming apart?

And Jesus said to him “Do you see the one set of footprints?”
The man turned around, and looked back down the beach.
One set of footprints were seen.
“That was when I was carrying you.”

You have my prayers, Swan. I am glad that you posted.

reen12

 

[paixao67]

I too suffer from BP and wanted to share a few things.

All too often we and those around us will forget that BP is a disease although from the outside looking in it doesn’t seem to be the case. Careful selection of friends will be key to making it through those dark nights. They will have faith in you, they will have the faith in God for you and most importantly they will pray and listen to you.
Get a good confessor - it is very important to if possible go to the same priest, let him know that Fr. I am in despair, I do not know how to live this life, nor can I end it.
Many Saints lived with dark nights and heavy crosses, He gave you this cross because He loves you so much and knew when He knitted you in your mothers womb that only you could carry your cross.
He died for us, if we deny Him, He died for nothing.
Do not give up hope - I’m 20yrs into this (41yrs old) and still trying to live (although many times I did just the opposite) I’m not saying it will get easier - but, I can tell you that if you trust in Him at those very moments when you feel Him the least, that is where He can heal you the most. Cry out in the night - “Don’t let me go” trust that He hears you and is there with you.

May God keep you safe in his hands

 

[mike7795]

I am having a terribly difficult time with God and all things spiritual due to my manic-depressive illness. Right now, for example, I’m pretty depressed and have been since about Oct. (yes, I have a doctor and am on medication). Sometime when I’m like this I find myself questioning if there is a God at all, or if it isn’t just some cosmic joke.

Let me provide a bit of background as I would really like to have some (name removed by moderator)ut as this is turning out to be really serious for me. I’ve always had these moods. The depression is more noticable to me, more bothersome (I think all BP folks say this). I became Catholic in 1990 because I felt strongly that this was what God wanted. I later felt I might be called to religious life. I was in the process of visiting different orders, etc. when in Oct. of 1992 I nosedived into a black hole of depression that led to hospitalization for suicidal thoughts. God disappeared. Despire my desperate prayers, I could not feel God at all - and this is on the heels of feeling God with me constantly so it was a bit shock. I felt abandoned, to say the least. I cannot articulate the hell I went through.

When I was released from the hospital after being diagnosed as BP and put on meds, I went back to church as usual. But - nothing. And I couldn’t keep it up, so I quit. Then I got mad and for the next decade or so I had nothing to do with God. I figured that either a) God was unable to help me, or 2) God chose not to help me. Either way, I got no help and that was all I needed to go elsewhere.

Finally, about 4 years ago I decided to go back to church. Things were fine. I once again felt led by God to make a life change - this time to make a mid-life career change and become a teacher. So I did. Can’t find a job. Had to quit my “good” job to do my student teaching. Doing temp work. No insurance. Filing bankruptcy. You’re probably getting the drift by now. Is this what God had in mind? Or did I conjure all of these very real “spiritual” experiences up in my bi-polar mind? If I did, then how can I trust anything “spiritual” I feel? Keep in mind, I’m not psychotic. I don’t hear voices or anything.

Anyway, I’m having a bad day and am getting pretty tired of feeling this way. I’d really like to know what you folks thing. Thanks.

Ironically, there is both a God, and this is also a cosmic joke, so take heart!

Most people don’t question the existence of God. They learn their respective religions, accept it as true, and live their lives. The fact that you do question it is actually a very good thing. What you’re asking for is the direct experience. That’s not too much to ask for! That desire will lead you to the direct experience, if you follow through with it and don’t let anything discourage you.

What you need to do is put away your thoughts. Put away the ideas of bipolar and not bipolar. Put away your ideas of “good job” and “not good job”. Put away your “experiences” of God. Put it all away. Nothing the mind conjures up is “real” in the sense that it is lasting and permanent. Ignore it.

Find that place beyond thought and there you will find your God.

“Be still and know that I AM God”

 

[Kathrin]

I get into these moods sometimes where I’m really “into” something, and it makes me feel all hyper, and then after a while crash again… I have often thought I might suffer from a mild form of bipolar disorder.

I can very much relate to what you say about the spiritual feelings maybe just being part of bi-polar - because it does feel similar to feeling on a big up swing, doesn’t it… I remember one time when I was feeling really really “up” and I went to an Easter Vigil mass and I felt it all so strongly, that’s when I wrote this poem: “Easter Vigil/when the lights are changing/ let me spread out my arms/ let me fly/ let me shout: He’s alive / he’s alive/ I’m alive…” Something like that.

When I think back to this now I actually feel both:
a) I was feeling really good
and b) it was ALSO a very spiritual experience.

I believe God is above and beyond what we might just conjure up ourselves.
I also believe that somebody who is very sensitive and yes even somebody who has bipolar disorder can use these energies in a positive way. I mean, somebody who is manic might go on a shopping spree and end up with debts. OR: They might be able to channel these energies into spirituality! Does that mean the spirituality is not real?
I don’t think so… God works in mysterious ways, right?

In any way… ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and I am so glad you found back to God, to religion… life is often sooo confusing and we often don’t know why we do or think certain things… but then again, at times it is so evry clear… and God/our faith may be that one thing (no: IS, I believe, that one “thing”) that is constant. That we can ALWAYS trust.

Kathrin