Goddaughter cancelled plans to play with friend

[ElizaE]

I made plans to hang out with my causin (also Goddaughter) yesterday. We made plans on Thursday that we would go shopping and have lunch. She is almost 13 years old. Her mother recenlty gave birth to a little girl (10 days ago) and when I talked to her on Thursday I could tell that she was having a rough time. I thought I could take her out and talk to her about school, friends, family and life in general.

I set aside my Sat afternoon to hand out with her. At 10 am I called my aunt to set the definate time I would come to pick her up. My aunt said that a friend invited her to a sleep over and she would call my cousin to see when she would be getting home. About 11:30, my aunt calls me and says that my cousin was invited to go to the YWCA by her friend and she really wants to go. My aunt stated that she was put in a tough position but she is allowing her to break her plans with me and go with her friend. I was rather upset, but tried to be polite and say that she is making a choice and I cannot force her to come with me. My aunt then said that perhaps I could take her out next weekend. I said no because my husband and I will both have that weekend off and we will be spending time together.

Later that day, my cousin called me up and said that she was sorry if she hurt my feelings but her friend invited her to go swimming and she couldn’t say no.

I am seeing a weakness in my goddaughter’s character that obviously her mother does not see. All of you with daughters that age, what would you have done? What should I do? At this moment, I do not think I will be extending another invitation to her.

I am in a bit of a tough spot because I love my cousin and I see a need to talk to her about her behaviour and how she treats others. However I don’t think that my aunt sees anything wrong and this makes my situation difficult. I am not her mother, and everyone who is a mother knows that you don’t like when other point out flaws in the way you raise your children. Please help

 

[3GirlsRUs]

Well, if it were my daughter, I would have had her keep her plans…but then, I would hope that by the time my daughter became that age, she would know that is the proper thing to do.

As far as what you can do…I’m not sure. My goddaughter is only 3 right now, so I have no clue. I would say that unless this is a pattern you have seen regularly, maybe it’sn ot something to be that upset about. However, if this is not an isolated instance ( you don’t mention anything else), then maybe your goddaughter is developing these character flaws. it’s hard to say from your post because you really only mention this one instance and if this is the first time or only time and out of character for her, then perhaps with everything going on, she is just having a “moment” and will come out of it?

 

[lizaanne]

I don’t think you are out of line at all. Her mother should have told her that she had a commitment with you, and that she can go swimming with her friend another time. Instead she chose to teach her that commitments and promises don’t mean anything, and whatever she wants to do is more important.

Don’t give up. As her godmother you have a role in her life to lead and mentor her in her Faith. And I believe this could be a great teaching moment for her if handled correctly. Set another date to meet with her, and make sure you talk about this incident, but don’t dwell on it. Just make sure she understands the importance of keeping promises.

I’m sorry you had to go through this, I’m sure I would be just as agrivated as you are!

~Liza

 

[1ke]

I am seeing a weakness in my goddaughter’s character that obviously her mother does not see.

No, you are seeing a normal 12 year old. She wants to be part of the action with her friends. Hanging out with her adult Godmother runs a distant second to going with her friends to the YWCA.

All of you with daughters that age, what would you have done?

I would have suggested that good manners dictate honoring committments. And, then I would have let her choose.

What should I do?

Nothing

At this moment, I do not think I will be extending another invitation to her.

I’m sorry, are *you *12?

Seriously, this is not a big deal. You are the adult, and withdrawing your affection and pouting are not very adult behaviors.

I am in a bit of a tough spot because I love my cousin and I see a need to talk to her about her behaviour and how she treats others.

You are making a mountain out of mole hill.

And, I think you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be that age.

 

[leonie]

No, you are seeing a normal 12 year old. She wants to be part of the action with her friends. Hanging out with her adult Godmother runs a distant second to going with her friends to the YWCA.

I would have suggested that good manners dictate honoring committments. And, then I would have let her choose.

Nothing

I’m sorry, are *you *12?

Seriously, this is not a big deal. You are the adult, and withdrawing your affection and pouting are not very adult behaviors.

You are making a mountain out of mole hill.

And, I think you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be that age.

Once again, right on target, 1ke:thumbsup:

 

[Della]

Your goddaugther really isn’t responsible for what you had hoped to talk to her about nor that you set aside your time. To her it was just a casual invitation to lunch and shopping, not a formal event which she was expected to attend.

It’s only natural that she would want to be with a a friend her own age instead of going to lunch with an older cousin. She’s a kid, cut her some slack. Besides, it seems to me that your goal of taking her out of herself for a while was accomplished by her going out with her friend. So, be happy she is not as stuck on the situation with the new baby as you feared, and is acting like a normal teenager.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Later that day, my cousin called me up and said that she was sorry if she hurt my feelings but her friend invited her to go swimming and she couldn’t say no.

Wow, I think it’s amazing that a 13 year old would even consider another’s feelings, but to apologize for hurting you was a downright miracle!

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Try to think back to when you were 13. Friends are EVERYTHING! Her friend probaly wouldn’t have understood a decline to her invitation of swimming in order to hang out with her cousin…but your cousin probably counted on the fact that as a mature person, you would understand.

I am seeing a weakness in my goddaughter’s character that obviously her mother does not see. All of you with daughters that age, what would you have done? What should I do? At this moment, I do not think I will be extending another invitation to her.

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**That’s a bit harsh don’t you think? That’s the exact attitude she probaly expected from her friend and was trying to avoid. In my honest opinion, you are sounding a bit like a 13 year old yourself right now **

I am in a bit of a tough spot because I love my cousin and I see a need to talk to her about her behaviour and how she treats others.

Well, you could start by thanking her for her apology. Explain to her that you were very much looking forward to speding time with her and you were hurt by her last minute rejection. But in your original post you expressed concern for her because you feel she is going through a rough time. You wanted her to feel better. Going swimming with her friend probably accomplished that. Don’t make this about you.

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**You could then ask her to please let you know herself next time she can’t keep plans that you two have made. **

However I don’t think that my aunt sees anything wrong and this makes my situation difficult.

She might or might not. She may have had a hand in your cousin apologizing…

I am not her mother, and everyone who is a mother knows that you don’t like when other point out flaws in the way you raise your children. Please help

This doesn’t seem like such a big deal. It wasn’t exactly nice of her to just blow you off like that, but she did apologize. Are you going to forgive her (as Christ commands)? Or would you prefer to destroy a relationship with her and her mother because you got your feelings hurt? She’s only 13. She’s got a lot of growing up to do. Be a good example to her of love and charity and hope she follows your lead. Of course if you choose to never make plans with her again, expect her to learn from that too.

---

Malia

 

[SMHW]

No, you are seeing a normal 12 year old. She wants to be part of the action with her friends. Hanging out with her adult Godmother runs a distant second to going with her friends to the YWCA.You are making a mountain out of mole hill.

…]

And, I think you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be that age.

I agree with Ike.

I don’t see how this could be called a character flaw. Honoring first commitments rather than preferred activities is a behavior learned by practice. Apparently the mother doesn’t consider it a big deal to change plans so how would the daughter be expected to know any different?

She called to offer something of an apology. That is more than I would expect from the average 13 year old.

 

[ElizaE]

I see all of your points and thank you for pointing out that perhaps I was being a bit sensitive about the whole thing. Perhaps you are right, but please do not call me spoiled or that I am acting like a brat. I love her and want her to grow up to be a person of integrity and that starts now, not when she is 18 years old. Then it is too late.

She is young and I agree, but aren’t these the years that we form our character? Perhaps I am making a bigger deal than it needs to be and that is why I asked for your advice. I do not have daughters that age and I did not know what to expect. I did not break commitments when I was 13 years old. I am not pouting, and I don’t have very much time outside of school and will be travelling very soon to go on out of town rotations that is why I will not be extending another invitation in the forseeable future (I did not make that clear), and my cousin knows that. I will try to remember that she had a good time with a friend and was able to get out of the house.

Thank you to al, I think I got the answers I needed from this thread.