Going home and preparing

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Greenfields

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For those whose parents are elderly or have passed on,were you able to talk about death with them ? How do we prepare ? Do you have any advice ?
My parents are elderly ,happy and reasonably healthy,devout Catholics ,but I worry for how they might feel as the day approaches .
I pray for a happy death for them ,but nuturally worry for them.
 
If your parents have made up the legal paperwork for end of life decisions, power of attorney, wills etc (as both my mother and my in-laws had done well before they got close to the end of their life) there’s not much need to talk about death until somebody either gets sick, or signifies that they want to talk about it.

When my mom was in the ICU and the doc said he thought she might die, we talked about death. I called the priest, I called Mom’s nieces that she was close to, I got a piece of paperwork from the bank that Mom said needed filled out and we took care of that. It was all very businesslike. Then she recovered and ended up living for a few more months. She would ask me stuff like what would I have her wear in the coffin, what would happen to her cat. We ended up having to be very matter of fact about the whole thing because we had to make a decision to stop a course of treatment. It all came pretty naturally.

If your parents are healthy and happy, and have made their legal preparations, I don’t see any need to bring it up now. Wait till it’s necessary to do so. There’s also a chance they will die suddenly and it won’t be necessary to have a talk.
 
I believe it’s a great grace to be able to discuss these things…
My father’s death was sudden in middle age.
My mother was estranged from the church, and I offer her into the Merciful arms of Jesus.
 
Yeah, I sure didn’t have to worry about my mother being estranged from the Church. She was only able to get to Mass sporadically at the end, because she had physical difficulty getting in and out of the Church, but we still got there many weeks before she reached the point where she was unable to get out of bed. I was way more estranged than her at that point. I am quite sure she went up to Heaven within a reasonable time (if not immediately) and then went on a campaign to get me to mend my lukewarm ways ASAP. Probably visited St. Therese personally and enlisted her help.
 
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My grandmother and mother were each well prepared, to my mind due to devotion to the rosary. Both left this world softly and silently, slipping away with family close by, truly having received “the grace of a happy death.”

Mom talked about death easily and naturally, letting her wishes be known, years ahead, down to the funeral lunch she wanted ordered. In the last months we requested anointing of the sick for her a few times. I confess a small regret about her last day: I was not sufficiently insistent to ask for a final anointing with viaticum and the Apostolic pardon, partly through ignorance, partly denial that death was imminent — Mom was so animated the day before, I hardly believed it. In reparation, I did the works for a plenary indulgence for her, which was possible within days at a Shrine of Mercy.

Our sister, who lived closest, had power of attorney for a few years already; together they made sure all Mom’s papers were in order and how she wanted everything handled. Mom led everything. We were blessed. She blessed us. I hope I can do the same for my own children.
 
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer when I was 23, he was 55. The illness came on suddenly, so I had less than a year to come to terms before he passed.

My two recommendations:
Spend as much time as you reasonably can with them. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
Take some time, now and then, to imagine life after they pass. Not dramatically, but realistically. Eventually you’ll realize that you’ll be wounded, but wounds heal, even if they scar.
 
Yes. We were matter-of-fact about it. It was a casual conversation just like any other conversation. My mother made sure that my sister (the executrix of her estate) had access to the necessary paperwork. She prearranged as much of her funeral as possible. All we had to do was visit with the funeral director, the florist, and the cemetery to put the process in motion and pay them.

And you absolutely positively must have a living will set up. Long story made short–my mom had a stroke and went to the hospital and was incapacitated. We weren’t able to obtain her medical directive for a couple days (it was over a holiday weekend). In the meantime, my siblings and I had to make literal life or death decisions. Thank goodness we were able to get the directive, eventually.

There’s no reason not to have a medical directive. In fact, I’d so that to not have one is selfish and stupid. Unless you hate your loved ones. In that case, not having a medical directive would be the ultimate revenge.
 
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My mother and I had talked about several years ago, but not after she actually got sick. She had all the proper paperwork in order. The day before she died she was on a mission to show me where everything was regarding legal and financial stuff. I kept telling her that we didn’t have to do this now, but I guess she knew that we did.
 
One of the most loving things I think my Grandfather ever did for my Grandmother was to have a file drawer in which he had all of the things she needed should he pass before him. It turned out to not be the case, he out lived her by more than a decade. He lived a very active life into his 90s until the last few months. Even then my aunt had a very well organized estate to deal with when he died.

I was also privileged to see him in the last few minutes of his life, at the point it was decided it was time to let him go peacefully. I happened to have a recording of my grandmother singing some of nursery rhymes in Dutch, they were immigrants, that I played for him as he was passing. My aunts saw that he reacted. I left a few minutes before he actually died, but it was a wonderful end of life for a man that had both planned well for his death and kept growing as a human being until his last days.
 
Thank you so much for sharing,
and for all who have replied .My parents have assured they will always pray for me ,and I for them .I can’t help kind of grieving for them already ,but thank God I am in a position to be able to help and be near them .Just such an unknown time.
 
HopkinsReb said:
I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer when I was 23, he was 55. The illness came on suddenly, so I had less than a year to come to terms before he passed.

My two recommendations:
Spend as much time as you reasonably can with them. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
Take some time, now and then, to imagine life after they pass. Not dramatically, but realistically. Eventually you’ll realize that you’ll be wounded, but wounds heal, even if they scar.
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So sorry you lost your dad so early :pray:t2:
I think that’s very helpful for me ,to imagine life after they’ve passed ,I think it will help my mind to adjust a lot -thanks .
 
As much as it is possible to have their affairs in order according to their wishes is always a wonderful thing, it’s the last thing you want to worry about.

Also, we kept my father at home when he became debilitated after a lung cancer diagnosis that spread to the brain, radiation then caused parkinsons like symptoms, he couldn’t walk. I remember the hoyer lift and all the training just to turn and transfer him. Can you keep them in their own home should something transpire that required nursing care?

So many things one can think about, but communication is key to their wishes and then a plan to fulfill that wish. We lost Dad in 14’ and then Mom followed in 16’.

Spend time. I’d give anything to talk them again. Both passed with last rites and brown scapular.
 
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I lost my grandmother to breast cancer almost 5 years ago now. Luckily I had about 3 years to spend with her before she passed, so it wasn’t as sudden.

That said; I’d recommend spending a lot of time talking to your family member and asking questions you’ve always wanted to know the answer to. To this day I have questions I wished I’d asked her and only she was able to answer. I think even though she was raised Catholic and left to become a baptist, she lived life in a way God would approve with things like living frugally, always treating others with respect and helping her grandchildren with advice on handling sometimes bad relationships they had with family.
 
I agree completely with both of your comments.

I also was told that it is so much better to have someone made Power of Attorney for your healthcare rather than an advance directive (living will). Making sure the person chosen for your power of attorney understands Catholic teaching and has your best interest.

The problem with a living will is that it can be left up to the interpretation of the doctor or medical facility, which is not always going to be in the best interest of one with Catholic beliefs. One may find themselves without care.

That said there are some specific Catholic advance directives or living wills that can be found online. They are expressly worded in a way which can prevent someone from being deprived of fluids and nutrition or any ordinary means of healthcare.
 
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This is such a hard thing to think about for me. Both of my parents aren’t doing too well physically. They are both in their 60s. Neither are Catholic but both have been baptized. Losing them is a huge source of anxiety I deal with daily since I live right next door to them. My dad is currently in the hospital with complications due to cirrhosis. Please pray for them.
 
My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 14 but my mother lived until she was 89. She and I had many conversations about death. She had a will and gave me healthcare power of attorney. I made sure she received viaticum and the Apostolic Pardon before she died.

She did have a DNR but I did not have any problems with hospice in regards to hydration, nutrition or meds for infection.

When a person begins to die they naturally lose the desire for food and water and at that point it should not be forced on them as it can be very painful.

My wonderful spiritual director put me in touch with a retired Catholic physician who advised me about many things concerning my mother.

At the end my mother died peacefully while her caregiver was holding her hand and singing a Marian hymn to her. I had just stepped out of the room.
 
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