Going insane, need help

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demolitionman65

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For the first time in 15 years, my wife and I appear to be at loggerheads (regarding a really somewhat insigniticant issue).

Bear with me while I unload, and you guys tell me if I’m from the moon or not.

We have seven kids in a 4 bedroom house. We also have some functional but hand-me-down furniture. My wife REALLY wants to move to a larger place (which we MAY be able to afford. . .but would be a stretch). I am lukewarm on the idea. . .kind of following along for the ride. . .but not wholesale behind the idea. This is not the main source of the loggerhead.

She mentioned passim today (as she has made clear on numerous occasions recently) that when we move, some of this poor furniture is out the door. As I have said, it is functional. Not pretty, and not matching (nor clashing), but functional. The stuff *works. * I have been foursquare opposed to new furniture (even if it’s from garage sales). My idea is that if it works (and the kids at least don’t complain about it), we should hang onto it. (This habit of making things last comes from running a family of 9 on a teacher’s salary. A Catholic schoolteacher, forsooth).

Also, I am loathe to get new “things”, partly because of the finances but also because the Pope’s admonition against our fine American materialism has really resonated with me these past ten years.

Now, I may come across as a tightwad (and you might be right. 😉 Might be), but I have sprung for nice things before. Two years ago we spent money we really didn’t have because we needed a decent dining room table we could all sit down at and break bread together, as a family. I had explored building a table, but could find no plans adequate enough. And I was vociferous that this was a good expenditure; it was more than form, the function of the dining table in a large family is -in my mind- very important.

Anyway, enough preamble. I guess I am looking for a ruling from the CA Conclave: Is the DemolitionMan a hopeless tightwad? Or is he an intrepid follower of the humble life outlined (partially) for us by our late Pope of wonderful memory?

Dunno if that’s enough data. Need more info? Just ask.
 
The house probably isn’t the issue…your wife is a mom to seven kids…she probably needs time or space or somthing for herself
 
I guess it depends on whether or not you can afford the furniture, without depriving, your family, or your tithe to your parish. I think it’s hard for anyone to ever be happy with anything until they learn to be happy with what they have, however small that might be 🙂

But also being a woman, I can see why your wife might want something more ‘put together’ so to speak. All women want a nice home, with nice things, it’s part of our nature to make our ‘nest’ look as good as we can 🙂

I don’t think any of us can really answer your question, you are the only one who knows what your finances are and how much of a stretch it would be for you to buy new furniture. 🙂

Prayer might help too 🙂

Gracie 🙂
 
Even from garage sales?

If the wife can find something awsome for cheap and it’s in the budget (even a tight one) then furniture away. Are you going to need more furniture anyway with a bigger place? Best bet is prayer as always.

-D
 
This is liable to split along gender lines. I granted my wife permission to buy a new living room set, but she had to wait five years until the other stuff finished wearing out. Fortunately, she is as bigger tightwad than I and agreed.
 
Sometimes differences about money in a marriage are really about control. I am not going to call you a tightwad even if I knew more.

A book that was recommended by an Apologist is called “God Help Me! These People are Driving me Nuts!” It is by Gregory Popcak, a Catholic counselor. Popcak advises that you don’t say “NO” but rather that you give a qualified “yes” and then negotiate the how and when. In other words, you say “yes, if we …” Then your wife can decide how important it is to her. In other words, find ways to make it happen so she can decide if the tradeoffs that she would need to make are worth it.

I highly recommend Popcak’s book. He also has one on marriage called “A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage.” You can get them on Amazon.

God bless you and your lovely large family.
 
I granted my wife permission to buy a new living room set, but she had to wait five years until the other stuff finished wearing out. Fortunately, she is as bigger tightwad than I and agreed.
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:rotfl:

Thank you!!! I got a huge laugh from that one!!

Thank you all for your prompt and invaluable suggestions!!
 
A woman’s place is the heart of the home. She makes her impression upon the family by keeping her home neat, her children well-guided and her husband much-loved.

I know that as a woman and a wife, I take great pride in keeping our modest two bedroom apartment as clean as can be and always taking care to make it a pleasant place to be, visually or otherwise. We are newlyweds and have secondhand furniture, but I waited a good six-eight months until after we were married to purchase it. We literally ate on the floor, watched tv on the floor, read books on the floor, etc., until I found a good deal that my both my husband and I could agree upon.

It is not beautiful furniture, but it works for our needs. However, my husband knows that I am a thrifty girl 😉 and that I work hard to budget our money and spend accordingly. I also plan that when we buy a house, our living room furniture will become our den furniture and we will purchase new items for our living room. I feel like it’s important to take pride in one’s living space and to keep it as beautiful as the budget will allow, assuming it will not take money away from your obligations or food out of your children’s mouths. My husband understands and appreciates all the effort I make to save money and to shop sales and get good deals on secondhand things, and he knows without a doubt that I will put forth the same effort on whatever new furniture we purchase.

For me, too, is not just the component of keeping a clean space with pretty furniture, I literally FEEL better when my home is pulled together and reflecting tranquility. I am more likely to take pride in my surroundings and I also am more likely to feel comfortable inviting family and friends over, because I do not have to feel as though I appear to not take pride in my surroundings, or how I keep my home.

Furthermore, I do not understand why it would not be okay for a wife to get an awesome deal at a garage sale. There is nothing wrong with stretching your dollar and upgrading.

I think sometimes we can tend to live by the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. Yes, we aren’t called to be materialistic. We are called to live within our means, give to the poor and be generous with those we love–no, not materially, but in spirit. Perhaps it is less about materialism and more about showing generosity to your spouse in allowing her to choose something, even from a garage sale, that would make her feel a deeper sense of pride about her living environment. Think, too, about how much she would feel loved, knowing you agreed with her desire at your heart–since personally, you don’t really care about new furniture at all.

It’s great that you teach at a Catholic school and support a family of 8 or 9 on what is probably a very modest salary. But, it is not just you who makes that sacrifice, it is your wife alongside you. Since I assume you didn’t have seven children overnight, I would think that your wife has put up with mismatched furniture and cramped living quarters for a very long while and done so with minimal complaint. Is asking for affordable sofas, from garage sales no less, really all that much to require in her new home?

I wonder how much it hurts her to not be taken very seriously, to have a husband who just goes along for the ride when she quietly asks for a home to fit her family and furniture that will complement their hard-earned new home.
 
I have another idea. We have to think in terms of buying a few items over the next decade. I let my wife decide what to buy first so she knows her (name removed by moderator)ut has primacy on household matters.

Also, if the money is not there, we start putting some aside for it. If your wife wants new furniture and can not afford it, work out a plan to start saving for it now and stick to the goals you set. At least she knows that what is important to her is important to you and knows that at some point she will get the stuff she wants. In addition the extra time might open up a great bargain where the money you have set aside might be sufficient.
 
Demolitionman, you said:“My idea is that if it works (and the kids at least don’t complain about it), we should hang onto it.”

I’m wondering why you care if the kids complain but you don’t seem to care about what your wife says.
 
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newf:
Demolitionman, you said:“My idea is that if it works (and the kids at least don’t complain about it), we should hang onto it.”

I’m wondering why you care if the kids complain but you don’t seem to care about what your wife says.
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You are very wise!

I think the orignal poster has a bit of a control issue. The wife is raising seven kids but can’t even go to a garage sale to get new stuff??

And to bring the Pope into it!!! OH my!
If you hold her down then it is your sacrafice, not hers. That’s pretty self-righteous of you. Compromise, give her a money limit and let her go to town. (I really like the idea of letting her work out the finances) Salvation Army has great 100.00 furniture. Get a grip, man!

On a side note, I do believe that my hubby is the head of the house and has the final say, but it seems at this point that hubby does not appreciate his wife at all.
 
There is more to consider than mere functionality. Otherwise, everyone on the planet would wear the same color clothes.

If you cannot appreciate the non-functional aspects of furniture, then that would be a good area for you to learn from someone who can, i.e., your wife. Instead, you simply seem to be assuming that she is wrong.

Otherwise, it seems like you and your wife are doing a good job on your finances, if you could just get past your personal dogma that there is no point in spending any money at all on non-functional aspects.
 
You guys back off… Just because he can’t afford new furniture doesn’t mean he disrepects his wife. It’s not about control. It’s about what they can afford…

Have you spent your tax check already? With a large family you should be getting a good tax check, or at least something. Go to Big Lots furniture (if it needs to be new). They have CHEAP nice things.
All the stuff in my house is hand me downs. I would love something new, but we can’t afford it. My taxes went to doctor bills (having babies is expensive), but even if we did have tax money left it would go to buy other things.
 
grappled with this very issue when we finally did build a new house, I could not understand why hub cannot see new house = new furniture (I bet no woman on the forum will disagree with me)

I got hooked on Trading Spaces and all the other DYI and decorating shows, websites and magazines for about a year. Lo and behold, there is a new fashion in home decorating called Eclectic. That means combining old and new, different periods, styles and materials to make a “statement”. Found out that the hottest furniture is used, from the 50s and early 60s, in good solid woods and fabrics. friend was closing up mom’s apartment and sold me cheap a living room set, sofa, 2 chairs ottoman of a famous designer (forget the name) in solid maple with a fabric guaranteed to wear like iron, only very slighty faded, and the wood finish rubbed. Decorator said DO NOT refinish or reupholster, it is SUPPOSED to look used. that is THE look.

try and steer your wife to a designer that thinks like this and your problem is solved. It sure made my hub happy (but I have spend plenty of money on other things. when we moved from a 5000 sf house to a mobile home, 2 kids got married and 2 moved into their own places, took it all–furniture, bedding, linens, dishes, everything, so we had to start all over.)
 
I could not understand why hub cannot see new house = new furniture (I bet no woman on the forum will disagree with me)
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:oYes, I am seeing this quite clearly now. Thanks for the additional advice!
 
Hey demolitionman, can I have your old furniture when you get the new? I have my GRANDMA’S old furniture in the living room, my mom’s old dining room table, my grandma’s kitchen table and handmedown bedroom sets. I need new everything—frig is dying and the stove runs a few degrees hotter/colder than it should—I really have to watch stuff. I have to say it bothers me quite a lot sometimes. I really would like to have a “pretty” home with coordinated furnishings. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just coordinated. It would do a lot for my mood and feelings about my home. EVen when the place is spic and span, I feel a little discouraged about how the place looks. I know that sounds “materialistic”, but I have to say, I think the woman who is home more and has to use the appliances, etc feels a little more appreciated if things are up to date and not broken, etc. We also have a very tight budget here, as can be seen. BTW, my husband is also a teacher:) I would suggest, if you can afford something even used, that is more coordinated and prettier, go ahead and splurge. Your wife will be so happy that you care about her feelings.

God Bless
Giannawannabe
 
I think men generally tend to be more functional in their analysis/needs, women more aesthetic albeit functional also. Put another way, females tend to be more the nest builder with updates always a plus; males, “hey, if ain’t broken, then why fix it” (put to the extreme). I am sure with this understanding, there is room for compromise as you mutually honor the complementary that God made man and woman.
 
Lest we become too unbalanced with the women’s point of view I will throw in another guy-type solution. Arm wrestle he for it. If she wins, she gets the new furniture.
 
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