Gossip/venting/talking about people

[Rachel126]

I am having a hard time discerning the level of sinfulness (or not) of certain situations. It’s pretty clear to me that spreading gossip which destroys a person’s reputation is sinful. But there are many other forms and degrees of “talking about people” and I am not sure what is sinful and what isn’t.

1. If I had a bad day at work (say, I was yelled at by a client), or got into an argument with a co-worker, or I felt my boss had been unfair with me, and I talked about these issues at night with my husband, is this sinful gossip? Or harmless venting?
2. If my cousin says something to me that I considered terribly rude, and I told my mother about it, is that sinful? How about if I told my husband?
3. My mother-in-law can be a difficult person to take. She is fond of criticizing everyone and everything. I always do my best to be respectful to her, and I don’t argue with her. However, when she says or does something I find very hurtful or outrageous, it helps me deal with it as a form of venting by talking about it with a friend (who has no relationship with my MIL at all, and they don’t live in the same community). Sinful or not?

 

[St_Francis]

If you are discussing these things with discreet people for counsel or comfort, that is different from gossiping, which kind of includes a thrill in the bad acts of others as well as spreading info about those bad acts.

 

[Joe_5859]

If you are discussing these things with discreet people for counsel or comfort, that is different from gossiping, which kind of includes a thrill in the bad acts of others as well as spreading info about those bad acts.

Exactly.

Here is what the Catechism says:

2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury. He becomes guilty:

• of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;
• of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another’s faults and failings to persons who did not know them;
• of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

I would count the need for counsel or consolation from one’s spouse to be an “objectively valid reason” to disclose another’s faults (in most cases, at least).

This is a matter that often requires prudence on our part. If you’re venting about a stranger whom you do not even identify by name, I would say the bar is even lower. You’re not harming their reputation by speaking of something they did without even saying who they are.

The one example you list that would give me most pause would be telling your mother about something rude your cousin said. You’d have to think on what your purpose is in relaying that information.

 

[Deus_tecum]

I want to add that if there is anything that might hurt the reputation of someone or is otherwise too sensitive to tell a confidante, psychological research indicates that writing the stuff down helps as much as talking to someone. You can address it to your confidante, better yet to God, or confess it to the person in question BUT, don’t send it. Just burn or shred it when you are done.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I struggle with this one a lot too, trying to make sure I’m not sinning - and sometimes I may take the risk, if you know what I mean. Which I then usually end up confessing because in those instances I am thinking my conscience was probably trying to tell me to keep my mouth shut and I ignored it. :bighanky:

But when you do need to confide in someone before you pop your cork, find first of all a good person who you know has a similar moral code regarding how to vent without gossiping. Then prepare them - tell them you need to vent, and that it’s confidential. If possible, use pronouns or titles - if the person isn’t obviously known to your vent-ee, no need to reveal his/her identity. Use “he” or “she” or “this person” or “my boss” or whatever fits.

Or see a priest or faith-based counselor in really bad situations.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

If you are discussing these things with discreet people for counsel or comfort, that is different from gossiping, which kind of includes a thrill in the bad acts of others as well as spreading info about those bad acts.

I agree with this as well.

The examples you have given are about how you feel - when people are rude, don’t treat you fairly, etc. I think discussing this with your husband or another person you trust is very different from having a “Hey, have you heard this about Sally?!” conversation. Maybe it would help you to refrain from analysing the person who hurt you and just talking about the facts, if possible.

 

[Country_Gal]

The more you stay positive, the better off for you. But, sometimes a period of venting is appropriate. Just don’t keep ruminating over and over. Vent and then move on.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I struggled with this as a part of scrupulosity for a while. When I finally took it to my (excellent) confessor, he gave me some very sound advice.

The short version is that sometimes we all need to vent to someone, and that’s fine. In fact, it’s healthy. The point is to not deliberately hurt the good name of the person we’re venting about. Ergo, talking to one, or at the most two, other people is fine, as long as you’re genuinely venting and not gossiping. It’s also best if it’s a workplace situation not to vent to a coworker who also has to deal with the “problem” person frequently, because what you say will affect how that person is perceived by the person to whom you are speaking, and can affect them long-term even if they are just having a bad day.

At the time, I was single, so my go-to “vent” person was my best friend, and sometimes her husband as he’d be in the same room with us. Now that I’m married, it’s usually my husband, though if I need a woman’s perspective on something, I’ll take it to my best friend. This isn’t gossiping. If, for example, my mother did something unpleasant and I talked to my husband or called my best friend to get it off my chest, that would be fine. Calling every single relative on that side of the family to say, “Can you BELIEVE what she’s done now?!” would not.