Got what I long prayed for, things don't feel right PT. 1

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Hello 🙂

I would like to share my story and I appreciate any insight to the developing of the last ocurring events. It’s a bit long, but I’ll try to make it as short as I can.

Last year I ended a 2 year relationship with my boyfriend because he had a porn addiction. He was willing to overcome this problem and I gave him all the support I could, until it was too painful for me. God made me know that it was the best to let him go. We left the door open for possible reconciliation if he healed from his addiction. Before the breakup, we had a wonderful relationship, we were both deeply in love, supported each other, understood each other, were able to solve conflicts in a constructive way and our personalities complimented each other very well.

9 months after the breakup, he was finally healed from his addiction (his process lasted about a year and a half in total), I had healed from the pain of feeling like I wasn’t enough and we decided to get back together.

But, it feels as though that spark he lit in my eyes before is gone. It’s not that I find him repulsive or anything, but it’s true that I can’t say that my heart flutters like before, even though I still love him deeply. It’s been a month since we got back together.

Ever since the begining of our relationship, I prayed for his conversion, I prayed for his recovery, and God granted all of the things I had always prayed for him to have. His addiction was the crack in his heart that God used to get inside again. He’s now active in church, values chastity, has a bigger degree of self consciousness, has improved in his personal life habits dramatically and he’s just an even better man that he was before. He is all of the things that I expected him to be if I had the chance to reunite with him if he arrived to a life of freedom from sin, literally, pretty much everything, including a man who wants that we both receive spiritual guidance in our relationship with a priest…something I only dreamed of and never told him about.

Since we got back together, I noticed that at times, some of his manerisms, sometimes his laugh bothered me, and I felt disconected from him at times. Before he was unique in my eyes, from head to toe, but now, he doesn’t amaze me like he used to, and not because he’s entirely different, but I’ve noticed these things.

What puzzles me the most is that up until the same day we agreed to see each other again to talk (I asked him to meet me for coffee because we had spent almost 3 weeks texting non stop after a long period of no contact that we both agreed in order to heal and I wanted to know if the conditions for this conversations were the right ones, meaning, if he was free from his addiction), my love for him, my excitement for him was completely intact, or maybe it had grown despite the distance, but from the right moment I said yes to him again, I started to feel a bit of disconection, that has grown stronger as the days have gone by.
 
PT 2

My therapist told me that it might be that I went from being “in love” to actual love, where I no longer see this person as “perfect” as before, but I still felt a deep love for him. She also said, that because I had spent all the time we were apart trying not to hold on to the hope of getting back together as much as I could (I did this because I didnt’t want to hold on to something that I didn’t know if God would want for me), that maybe all of that work paid off but at the most inconvenient time. She has been my therapist since the begining of this looong journey, back when I discovered my boyfriend had an addiction).

Before we got back together, I could see ourselves getting married. Now that idea scares me because I don’t know why suddenly some of the things he does or says irritate me or bother me, because I’m not as fascinated by him as I used to be, and because my eyes don’t light up when I see him as I used to. I have no idea how, when or why this happened so suddenly, literally within minutes. We’re both 30 years old.

It’s not like everything’s entirely dead. I still feel the same when we kiss and love it when he holds my hand, but I don’t feel that deep conection we had before.

It makes me feel really sad because I had prayed for so long and many nights I cried to God to give us the chance to get back together if he healed, and now this man I’ve love so much is all of the things I wanted in a man but, the spark isn’t entirely there anymore. This man is crazy about me, has a heart of gold, is a man of integrity, sweet and caring, and everything I ever wanted before, but something doesn’t feel right…

Before we got back together I knew that I needed a man who could lead. I think that because I stood by my boyfriends side while he tried to recover, he was weak in my eyes because at the time, I was the emotional lead in the relationship, and guided him as much as I could in the begining of his recovery, because he really had no idea what to do, he was that lost. Eventually he started doing the things he needed to do on his own and after the breakup was when he truly commited to his recovery, but that part of our relationship did left me feeling like I was his mother and I hated it.

I’ve told him that sometimes I feel disconected from him and asked him to help me by not smothering me with affection and to take things slow.I also told him that I didn’t want to be the emotional lead in the relationship anymore, that I wanted him to be my “rock”. Believe me when I say that he’s the man I’ve loved the most in my life. I loved him to the poing ot sacrificing for him because with every disclosure he did, he broke my heart until it wasn’t healthy for me to stay anymore. But my love for him never ceased, despite the pain and anger…

My boyfriend never compared me to anyone, never demanded sex from me, we never engaged in fornication and he always respected my body.

My therapist says that I can try to reconect with him by searching for the opportunities that did it for me in the past, but that if in 3 months tops the conection can’t be rekindled, then it’s time to face that I have to let him go.

Thinking about him not being in my life causes me deep pain, but at the same time I know that the person you want to marry should make you feel excited, and you should see them as the most amazing person in the world, no matter how flawed.

So, as you can imagine, I’m very confused. I decided that I would try to rekindle the conection, trusting that the outcome will be the best for the both of us, no matter what God decides.

Any ideas why this could have happened? It feels like God showed me the candy only to take it away sometimes and this confuses me.
 
Are you associating his presence with the pain he has caused you in the past? Do you look at him and see all his wonderful qualities but at the same time, can’t help thinking “I know what he’s capable of”?

Sometimes we just get disillusioned when reality sets in. We can no longer idealize the person so the thrill might disappear. It may feel terrible at first but with time you mature and realize how amazing it is to choose to love someone who is no longer on a pedestal. It’s freeing to accept that he’s just human, just a sinner, yet with the grace of God we can strive to be saints together.

I think a lot of people experience this with marriage. We dream of a blissful happily-ever-after. We think we’ll find fulfillment. But then the reality sinks in. At which point people divorce thinking they were wrong about this “soulmate” or you grow closer to Christ who is the only One who can give you all the love and security you need and you stop placing that burden on your spouse. That’s where true love really begins.
 
What you needed was someone who is
imperfect, WHO NEEDED you. Now that
he got his act together, you don’t feel need-
ed, so you lost interest in it.
What changed was YOUR IMPRESSION of
him, and I sympathize w/ your loss.
Dear, we are not all made to have a mate,
we were created for God and HE is the
best fit for our body!!! 1 Cor. 6:13
So don’t be at a loss as to what to do about
your boyfriend, give him to God and ask
God to help you salvage at least a Thank
offering from your relationship, broken as
it is.
 
You grew past the “feelings”.
He fixed himself, and you were a part of that. He’s in a way better place, and you helped him see that there is hope. All good things.
You wrote two really long posts…but I sense that what you’re not saying is “I don’t think I love him”.
Stop beating yourself up. You did the best you could by him. He’s doing well. Be friends. Cherish his friendship.
But only you can say whether or not you love him enough to get past this momentary “meh”…or whether you need to feel that tingly feeling again.

Love takes many forms. It matures.
You may still be in love with him. “Feelings” mislead a lot of people. Ever wonder what he “felt” while he was using porn? Feelings can be deadly. I would continue to pray about it. I would hate to see you walk away from someone who is a great as you say he is, and has repented.
Do you love him?
 
I wonder if you might not have thought he would be different if he were healed, like the healed person would be different from the way he turned out to be as a healed person?

One of the problems with romance is that often a part of it is imagination. So with situations where the two people do not see each other, they get only a partial view of the person, and their mind fills in the blanks, with what the person wants. Then when the two are actually together, reality sets in, the imaginary stuff is wiped out by the reality.

When he was “sick,” you imagined a certain person if he were healed. Now he is healed, you are faced with the reality. Maybe, from what you said, you thought he would be a leader if he were healed, now he’s healed and he’s not, or at least not the leader for you. (Altho with men, I’m not sure women can expect men to be the “emotional leaders,” men just aren’t lie that! But I may be thinking of something different than what you mean by “emotional leader.”)

So this may be a situation of your having had some expectaions, and now he’s not meeting them, either because he is newly healed or because of who he is.

If you really feel that you cannot live with the odd laugh (or other charateristic), best to break it off now. Otherwise, it might be worth trying to work things out with more relaistic expectations.
 
Do you love him?
Yes I do love him. I still care deeply for him, I still want his happiness above everything. The thought of him no longer being in my life breaks my heart, but I don’t know if it’s because he’s been such a huge part of my life for the past 4 years or what. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like missing important parts of his life like achieving his goals (he’s working on a lot of personal projects right now) and I hate the thought of not being able to share those moments with him, or him not being by my side in the future. I still get a bit of healthy jealousy, like the other day he was at the office and told me he was with a colleague from Panama and I was like “hmm” but that was all, don’t get me wrong I don’t have the path kind of jealousy, only the normal one where you don’t like picturing the man you love with someone else.
 
I wonder if you might not have thought he would be different if he were healed, like the healed person would be different from the way he turned out to be as a healed person?

One of the problems with romance is that often a part of it is imagination. So with situations where the two people do not see each other, they get only a partial view of the person, and their mind fills in the blanks, with what the person wants. Then when the two are actually together, reality sets in, the imaginary stuff is wiped out by the reality.

When he was “sick,” you imagined a certain person if he were healed. Now he is healed, you are faced with the reality. Maybe, from what you said, you thought he would be a leader if he were healed, now he’s healed and he’s not, or at least not the leader for you. (Altho with men, I’m not sure women can expect men to be the “emotional leaders,” men just aren’t lie that! But I may be thinking of something different than what you mean by “emotional leader.”)

So this may be a situation of your having had some expectaions, and now he’s not meeting them, either because he is newly healed or because of who he is.

If you really feel that you cannot live with the odd laugh (or other charateristic), best to break it off now. Otherwise, it might be worth trying to work things out with more relaistic expectations.
Yeah I think I might have some of that too. I guess in that period, I made up this idea in my head of the kind of man that would keep me safe, because I was deeply hurt. So I thought about these qualities and one of the main ones was a man who had direction, obviously because at the time, my boyfriend didn’t have it and was more the follower kind of guy. Funny thing is, he’s perfectly capable of leading a group of people and excell at it, but I think that he had never had the opportunity to do it in a relationship before.

I don’t want to walk away without trying to at least open up to the possibilities. I know in my heart that if it’s God’s desire that we both get to the altar, then this won’t be an obstacle, even if I’m feeling a little lost right now.

The reason why I’m willing to at least try to stay open and take the opportunities for conection is because of the love I feel for him. This love led me to stay in prayer for over 2 years, and even when we were apart, I prayed every single day for him. This love led me to stay by his side even though that meant risking being hurt and I did it anyways. And, because he’s an amazing man that I just can’t walk away from without having solid reasons to.

I won’t drag this for too long though. I think the advice my threapist gave me is on point, it was the same time frame I had in mind.
 
Are you associating his presence with the pain he has caused you in the past? Do you look at him and see all his wonderful qualities but at the same time, can’t help thinking “I know what he’s capable of”?
I think a part of me does. The great thing is that I’m not thinking that he can fall into porn again, that’s out of my system, thanks to God for that. He’s made sure I have no doubt about his recovery and he takes all the necessary measures to remain pure 🙂

But I do think that a part of me associates him with pain, not with porn addiction or sin, just pain. For example, some songs I don’t like to listen to because they remind me of a time where he did those things, but they don’t remind me of porn per se, they remind me of the suffering I experienced. I also realized that a part of me wanted him to suffer as much as I did, those are forgiveness issues right there, but I’m working on those and that feeling has pretty much dissapeared.

There may be underlying issues as to why I feel this disconection, but I’m willing to at least give it a try to rekindle it. He really is an amazing human being and the best man I know.
 
Frankly, I think you are seeking an intimacy from him that is really only properly reserved for marriage. Either marry him or leave him, but trying to have the intimacy and unity of marriage without being married is not going to help you. You may be physically chaste, but you ought to ask a priest or spiritual director how to maintain emotional.purity, too.

He isn’t going to be your “everything” because he can’t be. Don’t seek from him.what you should be seeking from God. And find a spiritual director, by the way.
 
Frankly, I think you are seeking an intimacy from him that is really only properly reserved for marriage. Either marry him or leave him, but trying to have the intimacy and unity of marriage without being married is not going to help you. You may be physically chaste, but you ought to ask a priest or spiritual director how to maintain emotional.purity, too.

He isn’t going to be your “everything” because he can’t be. Don’t seek from him.what you should be seeking from God. And find a spiritual director, by the way.
Good points. Popular culture has fostered this notion that other “complete” us.
Only God does that.
One has to be comfortable in their own skin in order to give oneself fully to another.
Talking with a priest might help.
Good luck!
 
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