Gotta be "holier than thou."

[montanaman]

This sucks. The good news: Friends of me and my girlfriend are looking to come back to the Church after a long absence. The bad news: They just bought a place together–they’re getting married in a few months. Tomorrow, they’re going to Mass with us and I have no idea if they know about receiving communion in a state of mortal sin. So, what’s my obligation? I’m pretty good at keeping such situations light, but this is not a pleasant thing.

Any advice?

 

[YinYangMom]

Getting married in a few months…in a Catholic church?

That makes a difference.
If they’re marrying in a Catholic Church then they’ll have to go through proper instruction and they will most certainly be told by the priest or the marriage prep director they are to live as brother and sister until their wedding (along with the corresponding lecture about how living together before marriage weakens marriages statistically).

You might ask about their marriage prep classes as a way into the topic…if they acknowledge they are taking them then you can just ask if they’ve covered the topic of living together before marriage…

 

[montanaman]

They’re honest friends, but they just don’t know the “rules.” I have no idea how they’ll react to the Church’s teaching on the subject, but they’re looking for a good Church to go through pre-marriage classes, but that is going to take some time. Tomorrow I’m going to be in the extremely uncomfortable position of watching them receive communion–maybe. I just don’t know.

Do I “judge” them by telling them about the Church’s teaching before it comes up? Or do I wait until after they’ve gone to communion? Or, do I just wait for the priest to do it? That’s what I’m leaning toward. It’s a good church with solid, orthodox priests.

 

[Viki59]

How’s this sound:
As you drive up to the church, you say: “By the way, you guys know that you can’t receive communion if you’re living together but not married yet.”
Friend: “Oh, yeah, but it’s no big deal.”
You: “For Catholics, it is a big deal. I just don’t want you to do anything that you’ll feel bad about later. When it’s time for communion, you can just stay in your seats.”

That way you’ve informed them, even if they choose to go ahead anyway.
Lots of people make mistakes coming into the church. We shouldn’t be too hard on them in the process. I don’t recommend that you tackle them if they decide to go up.

 

[LittleDeb]

montanaman:

This sucks. The good news: Friends of me and my girlfriend are looking to come back to the Church after a long absence. The bad news: They just bought a place together–they’re getting married in a few months. Tomorrow, they’re going to Mass with us and I have no idea if they know about receiving communion in a state of mortal sin. So, what’s my obligation? I’m pretty good at keeping such situations light, but this is not a pleasant thing.

Any advice?

I see the “looking to come back” as an important part. If they have been away they need to go to confession before receiving communion anyway. This might be a better opener than the problem of living together.

I would say, “Oh since you guys are just coming back to the faith, I wanted to let you know about needing confession before receiving communion. I 'm not sure what you might have questions on but I thought I would let you know some of things if you are open to hearing about them.” Then if I received a positive response I would let them know gently what was going on. If I got a negative response, I would leave it up to the priest.

 

[montanaman]

I just rolled out of bed and thought of something.

This doesn’t have to be about their shacking up. They just haven’t been to Church in years. All I have to do is tell them “Hey, you know, if you haven’t been to Church in a few years you’ve got to go to Confession before you can receive Communion.”

While still potentially uncomfortable, it still avoids the REALLY sensitive fornication issues. If they’re truly honset people, then they’ll go to Confession, spill the beans, and then the priest can take care of it.

Am I being a coward here? Yeah, probably. I probably wouldn’t hesitate to lay it all flat out if they hadn’t just bought this new apartment next to my girlfriend’s place. My girlfriend is ecstatic to have friends nearby (she lives alone) and the last thing I want to do is create a rift there.

 

[montanaman]

Argh. I just feel dirty. I’d like to think the opportunity never presented itself, but it did, I suppose.

They received Communion. Afterward, I felt like a coward. I thought of martyrs who chose death rather than “trivial” little things like throwing a pinch of incense at the foot of a statue. What’s the worst that could have happened to me?

Afterward, we had lunch, but when my girlfriend and I turned the conversation to religious topics, they became frozen like statues. They asked how long we were going to wait until we had kids if we got married. When I said we were pretty traditional, and would follow the Church’s teachings on marriage and family, they looked like they were straining to be calm in the face of a gun-wielding maniac.

Well, they loved St. Mary’s. They want to join with me and my girlfriend. I guess now I’ll have to say something because I sure as “heck” don’t want to witness the same sacrelige every Sunday…

 

[mercygate]

montanaman:

Argh. I just feel dirty. I’d like to think the opportunity never presented itself, but it did, I suppose.

They received Communion. Afterward, I felt like a coward. I thought of martyrs who chose death rather than “trivial” little things like throwing a pinch of incense at the foot of a statue. What’s the worst that could have happened to me?

Afterward, we had lunch, but when my girlfriend and I turned the conversation to religious topics, they became frozen like statues. They asked how long we were going to wait until we had kids if we got married. When I said we were pretty traditional, and would follow the Church’s teachings on marriage and family, they looked like they were straining to be calm in the face of a gun-wielding maniac.

Well, they loved St. Mary’s. They want to join with me and my girlfriend. I guess now I’ll have to say something because I sure as “heck” don’t want to witness the same sacrelige every Sunday…

Hm. Not easy. Maybe next time you see them, you could be ready with Christopher West’s book, *Good News about Sex and Marriage. *Get 2 copies: one for each of them. You could say straight up: When Esmeralda (sorry, don’t know your Beloved’s name) and I said we were going to follow Church teaching on marriage and family, you looked at us like we were nuts. Maybe you haven’t got that far in your pre-Cana yet, but this book will give you head start and give you an idea of why we’re optimistic about this . . .

Don’t get into a debate. If they start, just say: Look, I’m not the best person to explain this. Have a look at the book, and see if it doesn’t answer some of your questions – a lot of people write off Church teaching on this without even knowing what it IS!

 

[LittleDeb]

montanaman:

I just rolled out of bed and thought of something.

This doesn’t have to be about their shacking up. They just haven’t been to Church in years. All I have to do is tell them “Hey, you know, if you haven’t been to Church in a few years you’ve got to go to Confession before you can receive Communion.”

While still potentially uncomfortable, it still avoids the REALLY sensitive fornication issues. If they’re truly honset people, then they’ll go to Confession, spill the beans, and then the priest can take care of it.

Am I being a coward here? Yeah, probably. I probably wouldn’t hesitate to lay it all flat out if they hadn’t just bought this new apartment next to my girlfriend’s place. My girlfriend is ecstatic to have friends nearby (she lives alone) and the last thing I want to do is create a rift there.

Why Montanaman, I feel so ignored! lol I said that in the post right above yours. While I seldom stoop to name calling you said it first. Yeah, I see a tiny little yellow stripe on your Montana back all the way here in Idaho.

All kidding aside, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. While you might feel like a coward it really is such a hard decision. That door is just open a crack and you want to enter carefully. The best I can say is talk to your girlfriend about it. I think she would want to treat them as Christ asks of us. If you lose the friendship that will be difficult. Remember, some walked away from Christ Himself in His time.