Grieving the death of a loved one

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jeanine

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i am not sure if this is the right forum to ask this question, but on 8/31/04 it will be one year since we lost my dad to colon cancer at age 61. to say my mom is having a difficult time would be an understatement. they had an exceptional marriage. in honor of my dad’s anniversary, my sister and i and our husbands/kids are going to have a picinic at the shrine of saint padre pio (we prayed to padre pio for intercession while my dad was sick).

i would like to give my mom something special in honor of the day but do not want to make her more upset then she already is. does anyone have any suggestions on what i can do for her, maybe someone who has gone through a similar situation.

thank you and god bless. also, please pray for my dad’s soul, that he may be enjoying eternal happiness with our lord. his name is francis.
 
Jeanine,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wonderful dad…

Several years ago, when my grandmother lost her husband, my grandfather, she, too, had an exceptionally difficult time. We all carefully thought and prayed about how to recognize the anniversary of losing him.

My siblings and I were pretty young (I’m 24 now and the oldest, the youngest is 17) but all of us possessed a semblance of artistic skills. We just weren’t sure how to use them in such a way that would be appropriate and not bring Grandma more pain. In talking to my mom about it one night, she offhandedly said something like, “Well, they just had such a charmed life. So much joy. She misses the sunlight he brought into her life every day.”

I went to bed thinking about that, and spoke to my siblings the next day. We decided to write a small book called “A Charmed Life” complete with photographs that detailed their love story and lives together. It was very simple, but full of the stories Grandma and Grandpa had shared over the years with us and my parents. We used pictures dating back to their teenage years, when they fell in love, up to the recent history of Grandpa still with us. We ended it tactfully by stating the hope of his eternal rest and the hope we have as Catholics that he will be reunited in the Body of Christ with his dearest love, Grandma. We also closed with a family photo of Grandma smiling into the camera, surrounded by my siblings and cousins…we just happened to have one, and it served a visual reminder that she is still loved and cherished here, even if Grandpa isn’t here to love her.

I was worried it might be too overwhelming for her to think about all the good times they’d had and know that they were finished for the time being, here on earth. But instead, she cried with happiness, knowing that their love wasn’t imagined in her memories, but something others in her family had witnessed, too.

She died a few years after him, and asked to be buried with the book. She said she wanted to show it to Grandpa 🙂
 
Jeanine–I would suggest that you do some special plantings at your dad’s grave–flowers, small ornamental shrubs, weeding, tidying, fertilizer, mulching, and watering. Either involve your mom or do it for her and get ideas from her. We lost my mother suddenly when she was in her early 60s. Death of a parent, no matter what their age, is hard. Death of a spouse is even more difficult. God bless you and your mom.
 
Your parents sound like wonderful people and that they raised you well. Your love and concern for your mother is a testimony to this. Since I have no idea about how your father may have suffered or how he may have handled his suffering, my comments may or may not be helpful.

You might want to see if you can listen to some recordings of Fr. Rick Arkfeld. He is now deceased but his legacy of counseling the dying and their families and his bereavement talks are profoundly touching. There is something about suffering that brings us much closer to God. Parents not only teach their children how to live, but they in their suffering can often show their children how they are supposed handle dying. I hope your father gave that gift to you. If so, you can relate this to your mother, and let her know how much your dad has done to bring you closer to God.

Just love your mother and share her grief. You need each other.
I will say a prayer for you and your family.
 
Please remind your mom that your dad gave her gifts before he was called home… children. And it appears you are good ones.

His job was complete. Hers is not.

Fr John Corapi recounted a story of his visit to a fellow seminarian who was dying of cancer and would never live to be ordained.

With the little breath he could muster, the dying man smiled and said to Fr. John “you can’t believe the joy!”

Your mom and dad’s earthly time together will pale compared to eternal happiness together. Be patient, stay busy, and believe the joy.

MrS
 
It has been 7 yrs since my step father died. My mother never quite got out of her depression. I would encourage you to suggest that she find a Catholic support group. Of course this is easier said than done, my mother wanted nothing to do with “a bunch of old biddies talking about their dead husbands” (ISN’T THAT TERRIBLE?) She was(is?) in such a terrrible depression she is irrational like this frequently. She has convinced herself that nobody ever loved their husband more than she did so no one would understand, and it wouldn’t bring him back anyway. A year after he died she moved 3 hours away from my sister and I. After 7 years of begging her to seek counseling we realize we cannot help someone who will not help herself. She is a little better than a couple years ago but she is still depressed. Maybe if we would have encouraged her to seek a counselor sooner and she hadn’t moved away things would be different. 😦
I will pray for your mother, and for you too.
 
Jeanine,

I also lost my father to colon cancer at 58 years old and my first husband to lung cancer at 54 so I can speak to you on both…

Grief has many faces and how we deal with it can be very different for each of us… You must go through the stages the denial, the anger,the resignation and I don’t remember if this was one of them, but from the support group I attended, it was called “turning the corner”. It took me 10 years to do that for my father!
For my husband, it took a year…I remarried 1 1/2 yrs. after his death…And I loved him more that life itself…so don’t even try to figure things out…just trust God…
I will pray for you and your family, especially for your mother as she is approaching that 1st Anniversary without him and it stings…
In Christ, Annunciata:)
 
Hi,

Sorry to hear about your dad. My Dad passed away in Oct 1995,
my mom and Dad were on vacation and he died of a heart attack. I still miss him a lot, it will be 9 years, I noticed in your post he was 61, so was my Dad. Pray for your Dad, he’ll always love you and you’ll always love him, no one can change that. I wish I could say it gets easier, sometimes it hurts less. I’ll pray for you, your family and your Dad. God bless you and keep you.:blessyou:
 
I recently read a lovely book called** “A Travel Guide to Heaven”** by Anthony Destefano. I have found this to be a great gift for grieving loved ones. It is available at www.amazon.com .
 
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jeanine:
i am not sure if this is the right forum to ask this question, but on 8/31/04 it will be one year since we lost my dad to colon cancer at age 61. to say my mom is having a difficult time would be an understatement. they had an exceptional marriage. in honor of my dad’s anniversary, my sister and i and our husbands/kids are going to have a picinic at the shrine of saint padre pio (we prayed to padre pio for intercession while my dad was sick).

i would like to give my mom something special in honor of the day but do not want to make her more upset then she already is. does anyone have any suggestions on what i can do for her, maybe someone who has gone through a similar situation.

thank you and god bless. also, please pray for my dad’s soul, that he may be enjoying eternal happiness with our lord. his name is francis.
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This would be today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
 
We lost our seven year old daughter four years ago.

First, I can’t say that I will ever go through the anniversary of her death day without some form of sadness. I am not overwhelmed with grief, but just a birthday has its intrinsic memories, so too does the death day.

I once read an essay “Love’s Dark Cousin” Without love there is no grief. That little thought is a help to me – I loved my daughter deeply and now I greive her death deeply.

Each of us has our way to pay homage and honor to our loved ones. For me there is a pink butterfly that I put on the floral garland we have for a window topper. I also have an angel that sits a blows a kiss from the antique scale on my front porch.

Claire was into teddy bears and butterflies and so there are many of each in my clothes and decorations.

We also made a Cd of songs that she liked. Sometimes I can listen to it and just be happy. Other times I cry, but all in all, I know that God wants us to be reunited and I work at making that possible.

Look to Our Lady in the Pieta, she will hear your pain and understand your loss. She has given me many graces for praying to her.

Pax et bonum,
Mamamull
 
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