Grudges vs. Boundaries

[holyrood]

I have been accused several times in my life of ‘holding grudges.’ I think I’m setting boundaries.

Any general thoughts on what is the difference?

The recent instance is that I have a sister who’s a bit high strung. At least with family, when she’s stressed (which is often), she snaps at those around her, gives irritated lectures, tends toward sarcasm; gives very hard, dirty looks and speaks as if she’s talking to a wayward child; throws in the pointed barbs, and sometimes breaks into screaming rages.

Let me stress that these are not incidents where anybody has done anything so wrong as to justify this. Recent screaming rages were provoked by my 10 year old daughter suggesting a way to do something, and by finding a small hole in a piece of lace bought at a garage sale. (She also destroyed the lace with a pair of scissors, in front of my kids.) One of the lesser incidents of coming down hard on someone was provoked by my 15 year old daughter asking-- just once-- could she start passing out the Christmas presents. We have had two holidays in a row where she has gone into a screaming rage at either me or my children over dinner. The second one, she invited us all to leave.

Shortly after that incident, she sent me an e-mail addressing a minor thing she said. I responded that the issue is that I’m tired of being snapped and yelled at. She didn’t answer that.

I have not said or done anything rude or unkind to her. I have not spoken to my family about it or bad-mouthed her in any way to family, friends, or my children. I have allowed my children to go visit her if they like, and have welcomed my nieces in my home.

I believe I have spent my life letting this stuff roll off my back and keeping the peace, but now, I simply don’t want to spend the rest of my life being treated like that.

As a result, I now hear that she is telling people the issue is my children’s behavior and that I’m holding a grudge because she said something about it.

What is the appropriate response to this? Am I supposed to continue relationships no matter how people behave? I was told this by a friend of hers last night. I didn’t want to in any way appear to be bad-mouthing my sister, and felt stuck between a rock and hard place in also wanting to defend myself and tell the whole story. I kept it to a minimum, and apparently, my sister does not treat her friends like this.

 

[Island_Oak]

Clearly you need to step it up and set some boundaries with this woman~no matter her title or relationship to you. That is not, I repeat, NOT the same as holding a grudge.

The most striking issue for me reading your post was the fact that you allowed this woman to act disrespectfully and even abusively not only to you, but to your children without standing up for them or yourself. What sort of lesson is that for your kids?! There is a huge difference between holding your tongue out of respect for family when, say, your elderly aunt criticizes your haircut, and sitting by and letting a peer walk all over and berate you in front of your kids!!

Forget about discussing this issue further with others…that does border on gossip. Prepare yourself instead for your next conversation with sis and when you are invited to attend anther holiday nightmare at her home or to plan the next b-day party for the cousins, simply inform her you will not be attending. If she questions you tell her simply and unemotionally and without engaging in any debate/argument that HER behaviour during the last 2 family gatherings was rude and unacceptable. Provide 2 very specific examples like you did in your post.

She should get the message loud and clear.

One final thought…she seems to come unglued with the stress of being the host (?). Perhaps you can offer to take on that role (inviting her and her family) to your home if you are so inclined and able. If she misbehaves, she will not be welcome back. Period.

 

[AnotherChance]

She obviously has MAJOR mental problems. I wouldn’t expose my children to this AT ALL!

I would write a very loving letter in which you explain to her that you cannot allow your children to be around her until she seeks counseling, either religious or psychological or both. I wouldn’t accuse or even bring up what incidents led to this. Just say I love you and will always be there for you when you are ready to face your problems.

Perhaps you can enlist support from other family members and do some sort of intervention. If others are all siding with her against you, then you might want to give them a copy of the letter and let them know your position. The most important thing is to protect your children and not let them think this behavior is an appropriate family model.

ADD: This is setting a boundary to protect your children, not holding a grudge. Children subconsciously pick up patterns of behavior and exposing them to senseless screaming rages over a piece of lace is like asking them to run across a highway dodging cars or to take a bath in a septic tank. I am not saying you are a bad person for exposing them in the past, because it gets so touchy and difficult with families. I just 100% support you if you choose to keep them away in the future. Get more involved in church to fill any gaps this may produce.

Pray for guidance and talk to your pastor also.

 

[holyrood]

Thank you, both. What you said is exactly how I feel. I believe the other incidents in which I’ve been accused of grudge-holding
involve similar unacceptable behavior. Sometimes, it just gets hard to see clearly when you’re being told that you are the bad person.

As to talking to people, her friend brought it up, and I tried to say as little as possible, and move on, although I did say I don’t like being treated the way she’s been behaving. I haven’t brought it up with anyone, and don’t know what my family thinks of the incident. Given past experience, I suspect that they regard this as ‘just the way she is,’ and wouldn’t be surprised if I’m being called ‘stubborn’ behind my back. I am quite sure that no one has told her that she should control her temper.

Island Oak, yes, the holiday issues to include the problem that she is trying to host The Perfect Christmas for a large group and stresses herself out. DH and I talked last night and decided we will not be attending holidays there. We are debating whether to invite family to our house, since that will most likely be seen as stepping on her toes and forcing them to choose between us.

I have not settled on whether to allow my children to visit. I think they still see these as isolated incidents, whereas I have a lifetime to see the pattern. I have wondered if it’s right to allow the older ones to make their own decision about what they want to put up with. And they will see this as punishing them and their cousins. My sister can also be very nice to them. The summer after screaming at my daughter, she invited her up for a week, and my daughter really enjoyed doing quilting and sewing with her. All of the kids really enjoy going up there, and sometimes it’s only later that I hear about things like the lace incident. (I wasn’t there when it happened.)