Guests

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ela2

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Dh’s friend is visiting us with his girlfriend. They will be spending two nights with us. They are Catholic (Sunday mass) but not really practicing and observing Church teachings. We want them to sleep in two separate rooms in our home, for the simple reason that we don’t want any that sort of sin taking place in our home. We don’t know but we can’t be sure. It’s going to be awkward for dh to speak to his friend, since dh had just converted back then and was not so deep into the faith. This friend doesn’t know this and thinks things are still the same. They are meeting after five years and I haven’t really met this guy. Any thoughts, advice?
 
Before the visit, I would have DH call and mention the arrangements - “we’re getting ready for you to visit! You’ll be in the study and Susie will have the guest room. We’ll put a couple extra towels in the bathroom, etc.” Treat it as just the way things are. They’ll have advance notice that way. I doubt they would insist on it, but if they did, I would just say, “Nonmarried people don’t share rooms in our home. Thanks for your understanding.”

I wouldn’t tackle it from a moral or religious standpoint at all. Etiquette makes it more neutral. You have a right to do things your way in your home, and you’re not being rude to a guest by providing two beds instead of one.
 
I agree with pensmama. Don’t bother taking a “religious” view. Just explain politely that these are the rules in your home. Most adults would accept that even if they don’t agree.
 
pensmama87 said:
Before the visit, I would have DH call and mention the arrangements - “we’re getting ready for you to visit! You’ll be in the study and Susie will have the guest room. We’ll put a couple extra towels in the bathroom, etc.” Treat it as just the way things are. They’ll have advance notice that way. I doubt they would insist on it, but if they did, I would just say, “Nonmarried people don’t share rooms in our home. Thanks for your understanding.”

I wouldn’t tackle it from a moral or religious standpoint at all. Etiquette makes it more neutral. You have a right to do things your way in your home, and you’re not being rude to a guest by providing two beds instead of one.
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Perfect!
 
pensmama87 said:
Before the visit, I would have DH call and mention the arrangements - “we’re getting ready for you to visit! You’ll be in the study and Susie will have the guest room. We’ll put a couple extra towels in the bathroom, etc.” Treat it as just the way things are. They’ll have advance notice that way. I doubt they would insist on it, but if they did, I would just say, “Nonmarried people don’t share rooms in our home. Thanks for your understanding.”

I wouldn’t tackle it from a moral or religious standpoint at all. Etiquette makes it more neutral. You have a right to do things your way in your home, and you’re not being rude to a guest by providing two beds instead of one.
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What an excellent response to this very challenging issue, pensmama! I will definitely remember it for use if and when the issue arises in our home (and I think it just may very soon…) I’m so glad the OP asked the question! God’s blessings to both of you.
 
I do agree with letting them know in advance because if that isn’t suitable to them, they can make other arrangements.
 
I will NEVER for the world of me understand why this is such an issue. When people come over for an out of town visit, they NEVER have a problem saying ‘I will be there Tuesday’. When people go out for supper, they have no problem mentioning which restaurant they want to go to. When people get together for a movie, they have no problem saying what they want to see. But yet, when it comes to talking about sleeping arrangements, all of a sudden there is this big ‘How are we going to discuss this’?

I just don’t get it. Treat it like any other arrangement. ‘Sure come on over for a visit. John can sleep in the basement and Sally can have the guest room’ Where is the discomfort:confused:
 
Anglewannabe said:
I will NEVER for the world of me understand why this is such an issue. When people come over for an out of town visit, they NEVER have a problem saying ‘I will be there Tuesday’. When people go out for supper, they have no problem mentioning which restaurant they want to go to. When people get together for a movie, they have no problem saying what they want to see. But yet, when it comes to talking about sleeping arrangements, all of a sudden there is this big ‘How are we going to discuss this’?

I just don’t get it. Treat it like any other arrangement. ‘Sure come on over for a visit. John can sleep in the basement and Sally can have the guest room’ Where is the discomfort:confused:
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I agree, you don’t understand.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I will NEVER for the world of me understand why this is such an issue. When people come over for an out of town visit, they NEVER have a problem saying ‘I will be there Tuesday’. When people go out for supper, they have no problem mentioning which restaurant they want to go to. When people get together for a movie, they have no problem saying what they want to see. But yet, when it comes to talking about sleeping arrangements, all of a sudden there is this big ‘How are we going to discuss this’?

I just don’t get it. Treat it like any other arrangement. ‘Sure come on over for a visit. John can sleep in the basement and Sally can have the guest room’ Where is the discomfort:confused:
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The discomfort is that dh was a very different person the last time they saw each other, as was written in the op. But pens mama gave a perfect response, so there’s way less discomfort now.
 
bmaj said:
What an excellent response to this very challenging issue, pensmama! I will definitely remember it for use if and when the issue arises in our home (and I think it just may very soon…) I’m so glad the OP asked the question! God’s blessings to both of you.
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I think it is an excellent response as well.

Also, do not assume they want arrangements any different from what you are planning, and then tiptoe around it. Just assume they will be happy with what you are providing.
 
ela2 said:
The discomfort is that dh was a very different person the last time they saw each other, as was written in the op. But pens mama gave a perfect response, so there’s way less discomfort now.
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But I still don’t see the problem with saying "things have changed, this is the way it is now’
 
I agree to try and approach it as suggested, but be prepared for them to laugh it off and say “Oh, we don’t need two separate rooms!” That’s when you say that you don’t feel comfortable with unmarried adults sharing a room.
 
Dacinom said:
I suppose a person could flat out tell someone “Things have changed, this is the way it is now” however the original poster said this is a good friend and they are having a reunion after five years. This is a beautiful thing! If I had a good friend and when I previously saw them I drank wine in their home and now they forbid it based on their faith, it would be good to be told that kindly in advance. I have reunited with friends and both of us had made radical changes in our lives and it can be fun, yet awkward to get together that is for sure!.
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I understand what you are saying, which brings me to my initial reply on this post. No one has a problem kindly stating in advance when they plan on coming. When going to a restaurant, no one has a problem kindly stating in advance where they want to eat and when people are going to a movie, no one has a problem kindly saying in advance what they want to see.

So why is it when it comes to sleeping arrangements, all of a sudden people are afraid to kindly speak up in advance ???:confused:

This is not the first person I hear have this dilemma. The only difference is, the OP is the first person (that I have ‘met’) to see the logic in telling them in advance.
 
The OP certainly has the right to make whatever sleeping arrangements they deem appropriate, but I don’t understand those who question why this would even be a concern. Of course it is a concern- our society considers it “normal” for unmarried couples to sleep together and YES, the sad reality is that many, many, many people, in many scenarios family or close friends, will indeed be very offended if asked to sleep in different quarters. It is a big deal. Imagine this scenario.
Each of us also needs to decide where we draw the line. What if a sibling, uncle, cousin, or even parent is divorced and civilly remarried. Would you allow them to share a room In your house? What if a long last friend was baptized Catholic as a child, but raised Baptist and has since been married in a Baptist ceremony - according to canon law the marriage is invalid (as Catholics are bound by canonical form). Would you allo them to share a bed in your home? Any normal human being would be deeply affronted if told they must sleep in a separate bed than their “spouse” - yet from a Catholic perspective people in such “marriages” are objectively fornicating. In our society there are many couples who truly believe that their common law Union is just as important, just as real as a Catholic marriage… And yes many would be extremely offended. They may be wrong to think so, but their feelings are real.
 
Put up a big sign that says “no ****ing in my damn house, you heathens”
 
AClaire11 said:
I agree to try and approach it as suggested, but be prepared for them to laugh it off and say “Oh, we don’t need two separate rooms!” That’s when you say that you don’t feel comfortable with unmarried adults sharing a room.
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An excellent follow-up response to a very possible retort from guests-to-be! Thanks for sharing, AClaire. I don’t know about the OP, but I definitely appreciate having that response in my pocket for future use (especially since I don’t think as quickly “on my feet” as many of you do! )
 
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