Guilt and suffering

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Monica12345

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I teach Religious Education in a Catholic school. I had a bit of a crisis of faith last year as I was feeling very stressed as my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer during my training year. She continued treatment As I moved into my NQT year but I couldn’t believe that such a good person could suffer so I started to wonder if there was a God at all. I started to make a lot of bad choices. I now regret a lot of those choices but there is nothing I can do. I stopped praying to God, drinking a lot, messing about with boys etc but my mom still thought I was a perfect daughter so was living a bit of a double life. When lockdown happened, I was fed up already of the life I had been living. All the drinking and partying was getting me nowhere and I barely knew myself anymore. I started praying a lot and my relationship with God started to grow again. I went to confession and hoped he could forgive me for all I had done wrong. However during lockdown my mom was getting quite ill with severe back pain and mobility problems. She was in and out of hospital a lot but her symptoms have been getting progressively worse and they are now saying her cancer has spread to her spinal fluid and she has weeks left to live. She is only 53. I am 23 with three brothers, the youngest being 17. She and my dad love each other very deeply and it seems so unfair that she is going to be taken from us in such a cruel way. They were always such good Catholics and so kind and faithful. My nan is 85 and already lost her only other child suddenly 25 years ago. It just seems so cruel. I keep beating myself up and thinking perhaps God is punishing me for my past sins. It is just so hard to deal with and I can think of no other explanation. I just wish I could do more to help my poor mom. Any ideas on how I can stop dwelling on my past sins and help my family in the present would be welcomed.
 
God isn’t punishing you. He isn’t like that, even if that’s how your feelings are leading you to feel right now. God has forgiven you for your sins. Be at peace and learn to forgive yourself.

I know from experience that this road isn’t easy. I lost both parents the same year, from different types of cancers, one in January, the other in December. So I know the struggle and the guilt. I, too, felt as if I were being punished for something. But I wasn’t. It was simply letting my own grief punish me as it struggled to find reasons that weren’t coming.

It’s been 11 years now, since I lost my parents. I still struggle sometimes, and I always miss them. But over time and with much prayer, I began to understand and even accept that I’ll probably never know why things happened the way they did. Whatever God’s plan was, I’ve learned to trust that it was the best plan for my parents’ sakes. They both died, having received the sacraments of the Church. Even my father, who had been away and had stopped going for so many years, came back to the Church and died in God’s grace.

But it’s taken a long time for me to get to this place of peace about it, and it will take time for you, too. Be gentle with and forgiving of yourself. You are grieving, even now. And grief can trick us into feeling like God is punishing us or that God doesn’t care. That isn’t true. That’s simply the grief talking. Acknowledge it, but don’t give yourself over and drown in it. God loves you. He does care. And He is with you while you are suffering all of this, grieving with you, even if it feels like He isn’t.

I will keep you, your mother, and all your family in my prayers.
 
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First, my heart goes out to you and your family. It’s awful to see a beloved mom suffer at a young age. I will pray for you all.

Second, your mom’s illness has nothing to do with your sins. God does not punish people for their sins in this manner. Also, if you confessed, repented, were absolved and have tried to avoid sin going forward, your past sins are gone. They do not exist. God has wiped them away. Therefore, since God has forgiven your sins, you shouldn’t continue to beat yourself up over them.

Third, while your sins were wrong, I’m sure God also understood that they were likely due in part to your “acting out” in a stressful situation. This doesn’t excuse them, but you may not have been acting with full consent of the will. The lesson you should learn is that we will all have to go through some awful times in life, and turning to sin doesn’t help, it just compounds our problems. Next time turn straight to Jesus instead.

Fourth, you are likely also having some “survivor’s guilt” watching your close loved one suffer while you are healthy and well and can seemingly do nothing to help. The best way you can help is just to be the best person you can be, and pray, live a moral life, and try to be supportive. Also consider taking some time to do some healthy things you enjoy in order to give yourself a break, and you may also want to speak with your priest and/ or a counselor about developing some healthy coping strategies and avoiding unhealthy thought patterns of guilt and self-blame, which do not help anything.
 
Monica12345 said:
… I keep beating myself up and thinking perhaps God is punishing me for my past sins. It is just so hard to deal with and I can think of no other explanation. I just wish I could do more to help my poor mom. Any ideas on how I can stop dwelling on my past sins and help my family in the present would be welcomed.
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Hope "affords us joy even under trial: “Rejoice in your hope, be patient in tribulation.” " (Rom 12:12.)
- Catechism No. 1820

Well there is some residual left from a period of sins that has been forgiven, such as unhealthy attachment to sin, called temporal punishment. In Catechism No. 1473 we read that “While patiently bearing sufferings and trials of all kinds and, when the day comes, serenely facing death, the Christian must strive to accept this temporal punishment of sin as a grace.”
 
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I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss - both parents must be so hard. Thank you for your kind words and advice. It really is so difficult and seems so unfair but I just keep praying we can somehow get through it. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers, and the reassurance this is not my fault.
 
Thank you so much for your kind words, they have helped to put my mind at rest a little. It is hard but I have definitely learned that lesson already. The suffering makes no sense but it somehow seems to make even less sense without God and it is definitely better to turn to him when don’t understand than run away and be alone. It’s the worst pain I have ever experienced but my mom has a very strong faith and she is inspiring. I am trying to be as strong as her. Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. Much appreciated.
 
Thank you that is a very helpful quote. Just trying to cling on to the belief that this is not the end for my mom and she will be going to be with God, her sister and dad in heaven as she is the most saintly person I know.
 
Look: I won’t tell you what I’ve been through, because I don’t have time 😉

Allow me to tell you: you will not always have peaceful thoughts, sometimes you will be upset, but do not send God away from your life.

If saying “everything is allowed for my and everyone’s good” leaves you cold, it doesn’t matter, what matters is not to give God leave.

Trusting in God is not always a peaceful feeling, sometimes it is being on the edge of a precipice and not letting go of the last hold.

Don’t sacrifice sleep time if you can, because we need that too, like food, to survive.
 
Thank you for this. Yes that is what it feels like at the moment but I do keep praying
 
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