Guys Night Out for a Married Man?

[littlefield]

I think there are a lot of sensible conversations and agreements the OP and her husband can make before declaring him an alcoholic…and before cutting off his adult play dates.

I’ll admit I’ve been very shaken after seeing several recommendations to go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I don’t feel I’m being naive or blind by saying it hasn’t progressed that far.

As I previously posted, he himself admitted in all 3 instances that he was wrong and things got out of hand. He apologized and went to Confession. What he (and I) failed to do was discuss prevention measures and talk reasonably about expectations. He has also failed to be honest with his friends about his limits because of the “human respect” aspect, and probably also because he enjoys the down time from the demands of family life and doesn’t want to give up the occasional beer night. I don’t think we need to go to AA (yet) to address the problems.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I lost my father at a young age because a drunk driver lost control of her vehicle.

Get him off the road, any way you can. It’s not just about his safety; it’s about everyone else’s.

 

[pensmama87]

I’m glad you brought that up.

The guys he hangs out with (it’s usually the same 2 or 3) are both practicing Catholics who drink similarly but have a much higher tolerance. In a way, I’m kind of disappointed that his friends keep proposing beer nights at the sports bar when they have witnessed first hand several times now my husband’s irresponsibility…and how much it has worried me.

Do men in general just tend to shrug off the worries of women, and downplay risk? Is that what’s going on with him and the guys?

I think insensitive men do.

What you may be facing here is that your husband wants to be like these guys, but his biology just says that he can’t, and he’s not willing to face it. Speaking from an American perspective, a lot of men, especially younger ones, seem to care a lot about “keeping up” with other men. His guy friends may not even know the extent of how badly this is affecting him because he’s embarrassed that he “can’t handle himself.”

I think, if your husband wants to keep these guys as friends, he needs to propose alternative activities that they can do that don’t involve drinking, or in a more controlled environment for sure, and if they don’t take him up on it, he needs new friends.

 

[Convert_in_99]

It seems to me if these “friends” are fellow Catholics as you say that they wouldn’t be allowing each other to get drunk. I mean once it’s a mistake but repetitively I’d say he needs some new friends to hang out with. Are these other “friends” married? Encouraging other married men to stay out until all hours with not even a phone call again seems suspicious to me. Guys night out is fine but I think your husband needs to find a group of guys with similar situations in life.

 

[ahollars]

I’ll probably be bashed by the men here, but this is my opinion,

I’m a man, and I think you are spot on.

I survived 7 years in the Army without picking up alcholism. There’s nothing wrong with guys hanging out, but the next question is - does the husband know how to have a good time without drinking?

I am equally concerned about the fact that he turned down a couples-at-home party. That baffles me. Something like that should be a no-brainer, with all of the perks and (almost) none of the responsibilities.

OP, this isn’t going to be pleasant, but you do have a legitimate gripe here. It’s time to do something about it and get some answers from him. Be patient, but be firm. He has far too much to lose if something goes wrong.

 

[littlefield]

I am equally concerned about the fact that he turned down a couples-at-home party. That baffles me. Something like that should be a no-brainer, with all of the perks and (almost) none of the responsibilities.

OP, this isn’t going to be pleasant, but you do have a legitimate gripe here. It’s time to do something about it and get some answers from him. Be patient, but be firm. He has far too much to lose if something goes wrong.

I approached him this morning and his first comment was “There’s not really anything to talk about. Those 3 incidents were a while ago. The past few times I’ve gone out there weren’t any problems at all.”

To which I responded that he still got in way too late and never answered my call. He then agreed that he will make it a point to text or call, and that midnight would be a good cut-off time. I mentioned the driving, and he waved it away, saying he had learned from the past incidents and was not going to do anything that irresponsible again.

Should I push the vehicle thing any further and insist that there be a designated driver? A taxis not really an option since the sports bar is 45 minutes from our house and we live out in the boonies.

 

[ahollars]

Should I push the vehicle thing any further and insist that there be a designated driver? A taxis not really an option since the sports bar is 45 minutes from our house and we live out in the boonies.

Yes, absolutely. Designate a driver, or no drinking. No exceptions. DUI laws are already heavy-handed, and the punishments seem to get more severe every year.

 

[pensmama87]

I approached him this morning and his first comment was “There’s not really anything to talk about. Those 3 incidents were a while ago. The past few times I’ve gone out there weren’t any problems at all.”

To which I responded that he still got in way too late and never answered my call. He then agreed that he will make it a point to text or call, and that midnight would be a good cut-off time. I mentioned the driving, and he waved it away, saying he had learned from the past incidents and was not going to do anything that irresponsible again.

Should I push the vehicle thing any further and insist that there be a designated driver? A taxis not really an option since the sports bar is 45 minutes from our house and we live out in the boonies.

If I were you, then yes. The fact is that even if your husband makes it home fine, that doesn’t mean he is a safe driver. When my husband goes out anywhere and knows he will have to drive himself home, he limits his intake to 2-3 drinks (depending on how long he is going to be there) and then makes sure he sobers up before he leaves - switching to water at least an hour before leaving. He is well under legal limit before he comes home. Your husband has NOT demonstrated that he is capable of limiting his intake and acting as a husband should. I should think he would have to earn your trust first, since he’s demonstrated incredibly poor judgment previously, no matter how long ago it was.

You can make sure to tell him that this isn’t about punishing him, this is about making sure he isn’t dead or injured and that he doesn’t kill or injure somebody else.

 

[underacloud]

Should I push the vehicle thing any further and insist that there be a designated driver? A taxis not really an option since the sports bar is 45 minutes from our house and we live out in the boonies.

Yes! The drink-driving has to stop and it should be absolutely non-negotiable.

I often catch taxis from nights like this and live a long way out too. It often takes 45+ minutes and can cost a fair bit of money. It simply must be factored in. Or a designated driver, but it’s not much fun for that poor guy.

It’s great that he has agreed with you on the other points - calling/texting and a reasonable return time. But the drink-driving is the key issue - it’s the biggest red flag in all of this.