Handling anti-Catholic parents?

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My family is fundamentalist evangelical. During my initial exploration of Catholicism I hid it from them because I was financially dependent. I’m independent of them now and in my early 20’s. I have not had any discussions with them about Catholicism. That said, they know I have left their faith, and the reactions were…not good. While I am capable of defending myself in a rational conversation, what ensued was an attempt to accuse and guilt me, along with trying to get me to obey them because “they’re my parents”. I have a couple of questions:
  • How do I initiate a discussion about my exploration of Catholicism in a way that is respectful and open to dialogue, but also makes it clear that guilt-tripping or manipulation are not ok?
  • How do I handle their feelings in a manner that is loving and respectful, knowing that they will be upset and hurt?
  • How do I show respect for my parents while still making it clear that I will not obey them?
  • Is it possible to get them to respect me as an adult? They’ve been acting as though my questioning their faith is “childish rebellion” and saying things like “you’ll change your mind later” and “aren’t you too old for this”? I don’t know how to respond to this, since there’s no way to prove that I won’t change my mind!
I love my parents, but this is a big issue. I know they feel like I’m rejecting them and like my leaving their faith means that they have failed as parents. I know they firmly believe that I’m going to hell if I continue on this path, and I’m not sure that they’ll listen to me enough to change their minds. I want a relationship with them, but some of the conversations we’ve had before were miserable, and I don’t want to allow them to put me through that again. The whole process just ended with me in tears, and they took that as proof that I’m really miserable without God and need to listen to them.
 
First off… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😦
I know nothing of your experience, I’m sure it must be terribly challenging.

I would just do your best to keep an even-mind, use calm words, and constantly remind them that you love them and always will. Tell them you are willing to discuss any of their questions, but will not respond to emotional back-lash. Say, “I know you don’t understand. I’m sorry if I am confusing you. I love you dearly and I hope I am not a disappointment to you. I hope you will see, by my actions, that I am a good person and will honor you in my own way.”

Prayers for you…
 
DarkLight said:
  • How do I initiate a discussion about my exploration of Catholicism in a way that is respectful and open to dialogue, but also makes it clear that guilt-tripping or manipulation are not ok?
  • How do I handle their feelings in a manner that is loving and respectful, knowing that they will be upset and hurt?
  • How do I show respect for my parents while still making it clear that I will not obey them?
  • Is it possible to get them to respect me as an adult? They’ve been acting as though my questioning their faith is “childish rebellion” and saying things like “you’ll change your mind later” and “aren’t you too old for this”? I don’t know how to respond to this, since there’s no way to prove that I won’t change my mind!
I love my parents, but this is a big issue. I know they feel like I’m rejecting them and like my leaving their faith means that they have failed as parents. I know they firmly believe that I’m going to hell if I continue on this path, and I’m not sure that they’ll listen to me enough to change their minds. I want a relationship with them, but some of the conversations we’ve had before were miserable, and I don’t want to allow them to put me through that again. The whole process just ended with me in tears, and they took that as proof that I’m really miserable without God and need to listen to them.
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This is very difficult I’m sure.

I would just say these things, as you’ve told us to your parents.

I’m happy to have a respectful and open dialogue, I will not sit here for guilting or maniuplation,

I don’t think I can avoid hurting you. I am not doing this to show you any disrespect. However, I have to follow what I know to be the truth.

I’m sorry. I can not obey you. I firmly believe the Catholic faith is appropriate for me. To obey and ignore what I know to be the truth is damning.

Mom, Dad, If I wanted to rebell against you, I’d go get a tattoo, or start dating loose women, men. Whichever is appropriate. There is a point you have to realize, I am an adult. I have a calling to the Catholic faith. I love you. This, however, is not about you. For us to have a continued healthy relationship, you will have to quit resorting to taunting me as if I’m an unthinking child. I am not. Beleive it or not, you raised me to be a full thinking individual.

I realize you think the Catholic church is wrong. I welcome you to learn more about it as opposed to going with whatever untruths you have been taught and put to memory. If however, you want to discuss the church based on made up stories, we have little to discuss about it. I suggest we talk about anything else. Or I have to leave.

You will need to remain very calm. You can not get hysterical. You must be very matter of fact.

If you have to leave, just say, I accept your prayers for me. If we are to have such a strained relationship, I will be sad and very much in need of them.
 
I’d take the tack of praising them for all the good things they did for you/gave you, such as faith in Christ and love of God. Assure them that Jesus is still your savior, that you love him as much if not more as a Catholic, that being a Catholic means giving one’s life completely to Christ, etc. In a word, emphasize the positive aspects of becoming a Catholic rather than the differences and misinformation your parents believe. You need to disarm their fears and assure them that you love them as much as ever, that Jesus is everything to you, and that by entering the Church you are more in communion with Christ than you ever were. You see where I’m going with this. That’s all you need to say to begin with. Let things rest a while, to let what you’ve said be digested by them, and then answer their legitimate questions about Catholicism, making sure that that is what they want to know and not merely to guilt you into anything. Real love doesn’t have to employ such tactics, they are acting out of fear and misunderstanding. And most of all pray, pray, pray for them and the situation. You and your family have my prayers.
 
Hi,

You know your parents better than I, but I would pray to God for help as to the best way to address your current situation. I will keep you in my prayers.

God bless
 
DarkLight said:
My family is fundamentalist evangelical. During my initial exploration of Catholicism I hid it from them because I was financially dependent. I’m independent of them now and in my early 20’s. I have not had any discussions with them about Catholicism. That said, they know I have left their faith, and the reactions were…not good. While I am capable of defending myself in a rational conversation, what ensued was an attempt to accuse and guilt me, along with trying to get me to obey them because “they’re my parents”. I have a couple of questions:
  • How do I initiate a discussion about my exploration of Catholicism in a way that is respectful and open to dialogue, but also makes it clear that guilt-tripping or manipulation are not ok?
  • How do I handle their feelings in a manner that is loving and respectful, knowing that they will be upset and hurt?
  • How do I show respect for my parents while still making it clear that I will not obey them?
  • Is it possible to get them to respect me as an adult? They’ve been acting as though my questioning their faith is “childish rebellion” and saying things like “you’ll change your mind later” and “aren’t you too old for this”? I don’t know how to respond to this, since there’s no way to prove that I won’t change my mind!
I love my parents, but this is a big issue. I know they feel like I’m rejecting them and like my leaving their faith means that they have failed as parents. I know they firmly believe that I’m going to hell if I continue on this path, and I’m not sure that they’ll listen to me enough to change their minds. I want a relationship with them, but some of the conversations we’ve had before were miserable, and I don’t want to allow them to put me through that again. The whole process just ended with me in tears, and they took that as proof that I’m really miserable without God and need to listen to them.
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You have received great advice in the other posts.

The only thing that I would add is this: prior to any conversation, take a deep breath and ask the Holy Spirit to come and help you answer the questions in a charitable way.

It works every time!👍
 
Both faithfully and Della have given you great answers. I will just say that it is unlikely your goals will all be reached, at least not right away.

And engaging with them on this issue may only cause more fighting and disruption. Try not to argue with them. There is one “magic phrase” that defuses a lot of confrontations and arguments, lets all the air out of the aggressor’s balloon. It is:

“You may be right.”

Of course, in this case, they aren’t right, but their perspective is their own, and about that, they are right to themselves. You can still say it without lying and needing confession, because there still may be some element of truth in some part of what they are saying. At least their concern for you is “right” in that they do want the best for you, as far as they understand what the best is.

Also, please carefully consider boundaries and do not allow them to abuse you in any way. You can tell them, “Mom and Dad, I love you very much, but I don’t want to discuss my faith right now, I’d rather just enjoy our time together and talk about other things. I will respect your faith and I’d like you to respect mine.” I doubt seriously if anything you say will convince them of the truth of the Catholic Church - they are too emotionally invested in you as their son. Someone else’s son or daughter might be able to bring up the same points and they could listen more thoughtfully, because their emotions wouldn’t be involved. It means too much to them to know that you are now a Catholic, when they consider us to be practically the anti-Christ. Well, some fundamentalists do believe that the Pope IS the anti-Christ, so 🤷

They will likely try to bully you back into fundamentalism, but you need to deflect the effort as much as possible. Some here at CAF might say you need to be an apologist for the faith, and while I do think it is good to have a sharp sword of knowledge, I am a person who will deflect conflict when it seems pointless and draining. Everyone picks the battles they fight and I have seen families torn apart by these very issues. So I advise not to engage.

I like what Della said about continuing to stress what you have in common and what their legacy is - a faith in Jesus and the Trinity, etc. How you have a strong faith because of them, etc. etc. Can’t hurt, might help.

:grouphug:

And,

[SIGN]Welcome Home![/SIGN]
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Both faithfully and Della have given you great answers. I will just say that it is unlikely your goals will all be reached, at least not right away.

And engaging with them on this issue may only cause more fighting and disruption. Try not to argue with them. There is one “magic phrase” that defuses a lot of confrontations and arguments, lets all the air out of the aggressor’s balloon. It is:

“You may be right.”

Of course, in this case, they aren’t right, but their perspective is their own, and about that, they are right to themselves. You can still say it without lying and needing confession, because there still may be some element of truth in some part of what they are saying. At least their concern for you is “right” in that they do want the best for you, as far as they understand what the best is.

Also, please carefully consider boundaries and do not allow them to abuse you in any way. You can tell them, “Mom and Dad, I love you very much, but I don’t want to discuss my faith right now, I’d rather just enjoy our time together and talk about other things. I will respect your faith and I’d like you to respect mine.” I doubt seriously if anything you say will convince them of the truth of the Catholic Church - they are too emotionally invested in you as their son. Someone else’s son or daughter might be able to bring up the same points and they could listen more thoughtfully, because their emotions wouldn’t be involved. It means too much to them to know that you are now a Catholic, when they consider us to be practically the anti-Christ. Well, some fundamentalists do believe that the Pope IS the anti-Christ, so 🤷

They will likely try to bully you back into fundamentalism, but you need to deflect the effort as much as possible. Some here at CAF might say you need to be an apologist for the faith, and while I do think it is good to have a sharp sword of knowledge, I am a person who will deflect conflict when it seems pointless and draining. Everyone picks the battles they fight and I have seen families torn apart by these very issues. So I advise not to engage.

I like what Della said about continuing to stress what you have in common and what their legacy is - a faith in Jesus and the Trinity, etc. How you have a strong faith because of them, etc. etc. Can’t hurt, might help.

:grouphug:

And,

[SIGN]Welcome Home![/SIGN]
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Thanks. Just a quick note, I’m not their son. 😃 The hard part I think is going to be keeping boundaries up - I know that I can defend myself in a rational argument, but I also know that they can and have pushed me to tears in discussions before.
 
DarkLight said:
Thanks. Just a quick note, I’m not their son. 😃 The hard part I think is going to be keeping boundaries up - I know that I can defend myself in a rational argument, but I also know that they can and have pushed me to tears in discussions before.
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Sorry about that! I know you mentioned them driving you to tears in your first post. Sometimes I just write “son” because I have 2 of those and no daughters!

😉
 
All good advice that you have been getting.

I would just add a bit to Della’s advice. Respectfully (easier said than done) point out to your parents that it was because of their faith and witness to you that you have come to learn and understand the truths of Christianity. And then you began to realize that Catholicism was already teaching those truths.

And if you don’t see how the faith of your parents has steered you toward Catholicism then maybe that’s something *you *need to explore in order to honor them.
 
SMHW said:
All good advice that you have been getting.

I would just add a bit to Della’s advice. Respectfully (easier said than done) point out to your parents that it was because of their faith and witness to you that you have come to learn and understand the truths of Christianity. And then you began to realize that Catholicism was already teaching those truths.

And if you don’t see how the faith of your parents has steered you toward Catholicism then maybe that’s something *you *need to explore in order to honor them.
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Yeah. This whole thing is complicated by that I was in one of the branches of Christian Patriarchy…not Quiverfull when it came to children but resembling the doctrines in many other ways. Male headship, over-emphasis on female modesty, denigration of working women, all that sort of thing. Plus a definite emphasis on unquestioning obedience to church teaching. I would characterize the church I grew up in as spiritually abusive and as a major contributor to a later physically and sexually abusive relationship…in many ways it makes it extremely difficult to approach God, because of the fear I was taught.
 
DarkLight said:
Yeah. This whole thing is complicated by that I was in one of the branches of Christian Patriarchy…not Quiverfull when it came to children but resembling the doctrines in many other ways. Male headship, over-emphasis on female modesty, denigration of working women, all that sort of thing. Plus a definite emphasis on unquestioning obedience to church teaching. I would characterize the church I grew up in as spiritually abusive and as a major contributor to a later physically and sexually abusive relationship…in many ways it makes it extremely difficult to approach God, because of the fear I was taught.
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Hooo boy. That is quite a kettle of fish there. Especially as you are female, they may disrespect your choices out of turn, or think that this wouldn’t have happened if you had a strong man to ‘bring you to heel’. (Sorry, that’s what my family said when I converted. eyeroll)

I’ll be praying for you, but boundaries are key right now. I would keep this discussion off the table until you’ve been catholic for years (so they can see it isn’t a phase), or you intend to marry.
 
DarkLight said:
Yeah. This whole thing is complicated by that I was in one of the branches of Christian Patriarchy…not Quiverfull when it came to children but resembling the doctrines in many other ways. Male headship, over-emphasis on female modesty, denigration of working women, all that sort of thing. Plus a definite emphasis on unquestioning obedience to church teaching. I would characterize the church I grew up in as spiritually abusive and as a major contributor to a later physically and sexually abusive relationship…in many ways it makes it extremely difficult to approach God, because of the fear I was taught.
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That puts a different face on things. Your parents may never be ready to hear that you differ from them on religion or anything else, am I right? If that’s the case, then you need to live your life without telling them what you do or believe. As an adult you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want to about your life and your decisions. It’s too bad they are caught up in this cultish mentality. It’s not what God intended nor is it healthy for anyone involved. Having to leave your parents to follow the truth is not easy, but if you want to live life as God truly intended, you have to, don’t you? You have my sympathy and my prayers.
 
I’m mostly thinking that, if I do visit, I’m going to want to be able to go to mass. Short visits (day or two) aren’t really an option because of the distance involved. The cathedral is close enough that I don’t need a car to get there, thankfully. They’re not fully into the cult mentality and have expressed disagreement with it - usually they don’t make too much of a fuss with my decisions. But I think I am hitting a defense mechanism; faith is a big part of my parents’ lives and I’m essentially forcing them to re-think what they consider an important doctrine. I think it’s just easier for them to dismiss my choice than to either change their views on salvation or conclude I’m going to hell.
 
DarkLight said:
But I think I am hitting a defense mechanism; faith is a big part of my parents’ lives and I’m essentially forcing them to re-think what they consider an important doctrine. I think it’s just easier for them to dismiss my choice than to either change their views on salvation or conclude I’m going to hell.
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This is a very insightful comment.

I’m curious, what is your main goal in discussing Our Lord’s Church with them? I noticed how often the word *respect *came up in your original post, and I wonder how important territory is in all of this.
 
AdesteFideles said:
This is a very insightful comment.

I’m curious, what is your main goal in discussing Our Lord’s Church with them? I noticed how often the word *respect *came up in your original post, and I wonder how important territory is in all of this.
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Respect is probably the biggest issue. I want to respect and honor them as my parents, but I also have come to the conclusion that I have to insist they respect me as an adult capable of making my own choices in order for there to be a working relationship. I want to get to the point of being able to agree to disagree. We can talk, but I expect to be spoken to in a manner appropriate for an adult, not as a disobedient child.

I suspect some of this is also getting tied up in the normal process of having a child grow up…particularly since imo that type of environment really tries to prolong childhood in some ways, in the sense that they expect unquestioning obedience for far too long. I think they’re still somewhat struggling with not being in a position to expect obedience anymore, and having a difference on such a major issue is getting in the way!
 
DarkLight said:
My family is fundamentalist evangelical. During my initial exploration of Catholicism I hid it from them because I was financially dependent. I’m independent of them now and in my early 20’s. I have not had any discussions with them about Catholicism. That said, they know I have left their faith, and the reactions were…not good. While I am capable of defending myself in a rational conversation, what ensued was an attempt to accuse and guilt me, along with trying to get me to obey them because “they’re my parents”. I have a couple of questions:
  • How do I initiate a discussion about my exploration of Catholicism in a way that is respectful and open to dialogue, but also makes it clear that guilt-tripping or manipulation are not ok?
  • How do I handle their feelings in a manner that is loving and respectful, knowing that they will be upset and hurt?
  • How do I show respect for my parents while still making it clear that I will not obey them?
  • Is it possible to get them to respect me as an adult? They’ve been acting as though my questioning their faith is “childish rebellion” and saying things like “you’ll change your mind later” and “aren’t you too old for this”? I don’t know how to respond to this, since there’s no way to prove that I won’t change my mind!
I love my parents, but this is a big issue. I know they feel like I’m rejecting them and like my leaving their faith means that they have failed as parents. I know they firmly believe that I’m going to hell if I continue on this path, and I’m not sure that they’ll listen to me enough to change their minds. I want a relationship with them, but some of the conversations we’ve had before were miserable, and I don’t want to allow them to put me through that again. The whole process just ended with me in tears, and they took that as proof that I’m really miserable without God and need to listen to them.
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I converted last year when I was 27. My parents were not happy and are extremely anti-Catholic. All I can say is that they have a twisted view of honoring your parents and I feel your pain. DH and I have never initiated a conversation with my parents (except when I told them that I was going to enter the Church at Easter) and we have found that when they want to talk about Catholicism its more about “Well, you guys are wrong and let us show you how to believe the right way”.

I know eactly how you feel with the guilt-tripping and manipulation. It doesn’t stop even after you put your foot down. We are in a “time-out” with my parents because of this (I’d be willing to bet that the guilt-tripping and manipulation extends beyond your choice of religion, its the system of thinking they are immersed in).

Oh, boy, I have a lot to say about this, but I’ll stop here. Please, if you ever need to talk, PM me. It sounds like we’re going through the same thing. Prayers for you.
 
Lil_Cat said:
I converted last year when I was 27. My parents were not happy and are extremely anti-Catholic. All I can say is that they have a twisted view of honoring your parents and I feel your pain. DH and I have never initiated a conversation with my parents (except when I told them that I was going to enter the Church at Easter) and we have found that when they want to talk about Catholicism its more about "Well, you guys are wrong and let us show you how to believe the right way".

I know eactly how you feel with the guilt-tripping and manipulation. It doesn’t stop even after you put your foot down. We are in a “time-out” with my parents because of this (I’d be willing to bet that the guilt-tripping and manipulation extends beyond your choice of religion, its the system of thinking they are immersed in).

Oh, boy, I have a lot to say about this, but I’ll stop here. Please, if you ever need to talk, PM me. It sounds like we’re going through the same thing. Prayers for you.
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Wow does this hit the nail on the head. I think that system also encourages parents, especially women, to become too personally tied in to their children as part of their identity. So anything the child does is a reflection on the parent - if a child leaves the faith, it means the parent wasn’t good enough. And they are so terrified of the outside world.
 
DarkLight said:
Wow does this hit the nail on the head. I think that system also encourages parents, especially women, to become too personally tied in to their children as part of their identity. So anything the child does is a reflection on the parent - if a child leaves the faith, it means the parent wasn’t good enough. And they are so terrified of the outside world.
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Exactly my experience too. One of the manifestations of that is the control the parent needs to have over their child at all times, from infancy to adulthood. If you resist that control you get “You’re not honoring your parents!”, which you mentioned in your OP.
 
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