Handling Picky Houseguests

[Xantippe]

She once told a mom interviewing her for a summer nanny job that she “rarely likes other people’s children.” (The mom knew my mom, so that’s how I know that story.)

Noooooooo!

(By the way, that story is another piece of evidence for my autism spectrum hypothesis.)

 

[EasterJoy]

She once told a mom interviewing her for a summer nanny job that she “rarely likes other people’s children.” (The mom knew my mom, so that’s how I know that story.)

I don’t know that I’d really count that as a botch. If she was telling the truth, the botch was in selecting a nanny position as the job she was going for.

I’ve advised her to get to the college career office to both look for jobs and do interview practice, but she hasn’t yet.

There does get to be a point when you can’t help someone more than she’s willing to help herself.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have a college-aged sister who is about your sister’s age. She also grew up in a rather odd household–very spoiled, on the one hand, and very neglected on the other.

I helped her move cross-country for better educational and career opportunities when she was 18. I hadn’t spent much time with her in a long time before that; there’s a big age difference, and I left home permanently at 18. I was, frankly, horrified by what I saw.

I had, as I mentioned, driven across the country to pick her up and move her here. Once I got there, she proceeded to show up about 4 hours late (?!?!!) to the rendezvous because she had decided to hang out with her friends for a while first. Didn’t bother to call me to let me know what was going on, either. Then, as I and some family friends loaded her stuff up, she didn’t so much as say thank you for coming or apologize for being so late for no good reason. She did, however, mention once we got to my house a day later that she expected me to lend her a fairly substantial sum of money in order to get some supplies that she needed by a certain time. I was surprised by this, and generally annoyed by all the previous shenanigans, so I asked what was going on, at which point she made a “talk to the hand” gesture.

I blew up. I should add that I was also about three months pregnant, so I was exhausted and queasy, and that on top of a hellacious drive did nothing to improve my mood.

I told her quite firmly that I didn’t allow anyone to treat anyone like that in my house, and that included me; that her behavior over the last few days had been totally unacceptable (I mentioned specifically that if she ever showed up 4 hours late for anything again without a seriously good reason, I wasn’t going to be there), that basic courtesies like “please” and “thank you” are to be used while under my roof, and, lastly, that one simply does not demand that other adults lend one large sums of money.

(In her defense, all of these behaviors had been modeled for her by our parents, but that still doesn’t make them acceptable, and it was past time she figured that out.)

She stormed out of the house, and didn’t come back for a couple of hours, after which we sat down and talked, laying some ground rules: courtesy, mutual respect, and so on. She didn’t like it much. I also lent her the money she needed with a repayment plan in place, which she followed to the letter.

Things were a bit tense for a couple of months, but it sorted out eventually, and she even sent me a text a couple of Mothers’ Days ago, thanking me for the kick in the behind that I’d given her. She has also significantly matured since, and while I certainly don’t claim all the credit in that department, I suspect that having someone tell her the plain facts of life may have helped somewhat.

Long story short, having a talk with your sister (perhaps a bit less bombastic than the one I had ) may actually help her. Leaving aside anything else, with the food thing you don’t want her to be that person at the dinner portion of a major interview who makes a rude face and complains when the company interviewing her takes her to one of the best restaurants in town. She doesn’t have to like every kind of food out there; few of us do. It will well behoove her to learn to be polite about it, however.

This was handled very well, both because appropriate boundaries were finally enforced and because those boundaries were outlined by someone in her life who was willing to explain them clearly before carrying through. The rest of the world usually lowers the boom and enforces natural consequences right away, so that the uneducated person only “gets it” when the opportunity to do it right has already been blown.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t know that I’d really count that as a botch. If she was telling the truth, the botch was in selecting a nanny position as the job she was going for.

True.

There does get to be a point when you can’t help someone more than she’s willing to help herself.

That’s true too. Doesn’t make it less frustrating to watch. :banghead:

 

[pensmama87]

Thank you for sharing, while I still find it hard to believe that your sister didn’t know it was an inconvenience to ask for a ride since I don’t know her I can only assume you are correct so thank you for clarifying!

What I can offer is, based on your posts it seems your sister engages in repeated selfish and childish behavior. All of us are selfish at times, however your sister seems to have a pattern of it that drove you here to seek advice.

My advice remains that this is more about you than about her. You must decide what you can handle mentally, spiritually and emotionally and proceed from there. For some reason your sister gets away with a lot and it is attributed to everything from your parents, her age, her lack of experience, lack of driver’s license, picky eating etc. but I maintain that holding her accountable (in a kind way) is the best approach. God bless.

Thanks Monicad.

I think that is really my goal - to maintain my own sanity while still nudging her towards taking responsibility and being an adult (because no one else has.) You’re right that her behavior is really selfish and immature, and when I was her age I definitely had a higher capacity for empathy. I just wanted to clarify that there is something lacking there - it’s thoughtless, which is still a huge problem, but it’s not the same as knowing but not caring. That doesn’t fit her.

As it is I probably won’t be seeing her for a few months, so I’ve got time to figure out what to say and how.

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

I was curious on what the age difference is between you and your sister, and do you have other siblings?

Sometimes the youngest of many ends up being babied, so she doesn’t develop “adult” skills until forced.

 

[pensmama87]

I was curious on what the age difference is between you and your sister, and do you have other siblings?

Sometimes the youngest of many ends up being babied, so she doesn’t develop “adult” skills until forced.

I am seven years older, and there are two other children between us.

She has been babied, for sure. Truthfully, I think in some ways our “basic” personalities are very similar - but I wasn’t permitted as a child to get away with things (e.g. I had to learn to drive because I had to get a job because I had to pay for school.)

 

[3DOCTORS]

Your problem is not necessarily a picky eater, your problem seems to be something else-- social skills, spoiled sister, or some other psycho-social issue going on.

I am a picky eater, always have been. And I have lots of textural issues with certain foods. (Google “super tasters”… People with brains wired that make them more sensitive to tastes, smells, and textures of food.)

But I never act like your sister when visiting people. I make do, and try to eat something at the meal… And usually can certainly find something to eat. Unless you serve liver and onions at ever meal then I think something else is going on. I don’t expect people to do anything special for me.

I just want to second this since I’m an adult “picky eater” (there are now psychiatric diagnoses for the condition - SED, ARFID). And I’d like to thank the posters on this thread for being much less judgmental about picky eating than I’ve seen on other threads. Thank you, it is appreciated more than you know. :curtsey:

But I think it’s clear that the picky eating component of your sister’s difficulties is only part of a larger issue of needing to learn some consideration for others. It sounds like you are on the way with some ideas and strategies for that. Hopefully you’ll both have an improved relationship in future. God bless you both!

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you for sharing, while I still find it hard to believe that your sister didn’t know it was an inconvenience to ask for a ride since I don’t know her I can only assume you are correct so thank you for clarifying!

What I can offer is, based on your posts it seems your sister engages in repeated selfish and childish behavior. All of us are selfish at times, however your sister seems to have a pattern of it that drove you here to seek advice.

My advice remains that this is more about you than about her. You must decide what you can handle mentally, spiritually and emotionally and proceed from there. For some reason your sister gets away with a lot and it is attributed to everything from your parents, her age, her lack of experience, lack of driver’s license, picky eating etc. but I maintain that holding her accountable (in a kind way) is the best approach. God bless.

I would present this to her with the recognition that some people are so flexible and accommodating themselves that the prevailing “standard” is something that wouldn’t occur to them. For instance, the OP’s mother is a very picky eater herself, but as a result she is very willing to bend over backwards for the likes and dislikes of others. It may not have occurred to her that she is inconveniencing someone when she is more than willing to put forth a great effort to accommodate when the tables are turned.

At any rate, if you treat this as a difference in perceptions–a difference in “micro-culture,” if you will–you are much likely to make someone defensive. I would avoid implying to the chauffeured sister that she would treat her sister differently if she had a license herself and knew what it was like to drive other people around. The OPs sister might easily be the kind who is very flexible with her time and who would put hours and hours in to drive others around if she had a license herself.

Giving her credit for perhaps having an equally-fair “micro-culture”, albeit one that is odds with the prevailing system of manners, is not only more likely to work with her but errs on the side of generosity. When you can have both of those, I say do that.