Has anyone had an open adoption?

[Hope75]

My husband and I are looking more seriously into adoption. We are thinking we would like to adopt domestically. However, the local organizations encourage open adoptions for their domestic infant programs. Has anyone had an open adoption? I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut you may have.

Thanks.

 

[Shlemele]

I am an adoptee and an open adoption really is best. An open adoption isn’t for you, it’s for the child. I am 26 and have been looking for my birth-mother for the last 6 years. Only recently have I been able to save enough money to even think of hiring a P.I. to help me look, but it does create a bit of an identity crisis.

Having an open adoption will be tougher on you though. I know here in California Bethany is a great group to go through, and they recomend open adoptions. In fact I don’t know (other than HIGHLY unusual situations) where closed adoptions are recomended. One friend of mine who has an adopted son regularly send pictures to the birth mother. Again I’m sure this is much harder on both sets of pairents but it is much easier on the child, and that really is the point.

Before you adopt read up as much as you can on it. Be familiar with the laws, emotional prices that come with adoption, and hire a good lawer just in case. Feel free to PM me too if you have any other questions.

 

[rayne89]

Shlemele:

I am an adoptee and an open adoption really is best. An open adoption isn’t for you, it’s for the child. I am 26 and have been looking for my birth-mother for the last 6 years. Only recently have I been able to save enough money to even think of hiring a P.I. to help me look, but it does create a bit of an identity crisis.

Having an open adoption will be tougher on you though. I know here in California Bethany is a great group to go through, and they recomend open adoptions. In fact I don’t know (other than HIGHLY unusual situations) where closed adoptions are recomended. One friend of mine who has an adopted son regularly send pictures to the birth mother. Again I’m sure this is much harder on both sets of pairents but it is much easier on the child, and that really is the point.

Before you adopt read up as much as you can on it. Be familiar with the laws, emotional prices that come with adoption, and hire a good lawer just in case. Feel free to PM me too if you have any other questions.

As an adoptee also, I disagree. I personally feel a closed adoption is the best option. I feel that a child should grow up in a “normal” family structure if at all possible. I think open adoption has become so popular because there so few infants out there to adopt in the U.S. that adopting parents feel the need to cater to to biological mother’s demands in order to have chance of adopting at all.

I have a mild desire to find my birth mom (I’m 33) mainly to thank her for giving me life, and I kind of wonder if I have siblings out there. My parents are older so I will probably wait until the pass. They have been through alot with both my health problems and those of my adopted sister (whom we lost in '85 to cancer) and I don’t want to put them through any more stress. My mom and dad raised me, spent their lives taking me to the best hospitals, saw me through 2 open heart surgeries as a child, had many sleepless nights with all my health difficulties and did the best they could for me.

We have had problems in my family and my mom and I have had a difficult relationship at times but I don’t think they should have had to “share” me with a young women who gave birth to me but could never give to me what I needed.

I have a great deal of respect for my birth mom she made the ultimate sacrifice she gave me life and then she gave me away. I recently saw a docomentary on open adoption and was completely turned off by it. These pregnant young women seemed to want all the fun parts of being a “mom” without any of the sacrifice.

I have never had an “identity crisis”. I am the daughter of the parents that raised me and the unique person God created me to be.

 

[leschornmom]

My husband is adopted and due to the new laws we now have the information we need to get in contact with his birth mother. He has, so far, chosen not to contact her. He says if he ever does meet her it won’t be to meet his “real mother” (his parents are his “real parents”) it will be to thank the woman that brought him into this world for not having an abortion. That and to find out some medical info.

He has no problem with identity. He knows who he is. We plan to adopt some day but it will probably not be an open adoption because we don’t feel that would be good for the child to be torn between two sets of parents.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Shlemele:

I am an adoptee and an open adoption really is best. An open adoption isn’t for you, it’s for the child. Again I’m sure this is much harder on both sets of pairents but it is much easier on the child, and that really is the point.

I am not an adoptee or an adopter, so this is only my opinion. But I disagree with the above. I tend to agree with Rayne that the open adoptions are more for the birth mother than the child.

I don’t see how an open adoption could be easier on a child. But then I guess it depends how open it is.

If the child was allowed to see it’s birth mom, wouldn’t he/she wonder why they can’t live with her instead?

A child cannot understand that mom isn’t able to care for them or not mature enough or responsible enough or wanted to finish school instead.

A child only knows that “there is my mom and I’m not with her”. I think that could be very confusing.

And if the child has visitation with birth mom, what about rules and discipline? What if one mom says one thing and the other says another? I know that theoretically there would be rules in place…but it seems much too complicated to me.

Before you adopt read up as much as you can on it. Be familiar with the laws, emotional prices that come with adoption, and hire a good lawer just in case. Feel free to PM me too if you have any other questions.

I agree!

Malia

 

[Princess_Abby]

My husband and I are 25 and adoption will be our only option to have children. We are extremely disturbed by the common practice of “open adoption” that has permeated the entire community’s mentality. And no, it is not about US, it is about the child(ren) we hope to parent. As Malia said, I think it’s utterly wrong for any little child to be confused by “birthmom” and “adoptive mom.” Who, then, is the “real” mom??! I also think it can undermine the security of the family unit and perhaps put pressure on the adoptive parents to “prove” themselves year after year, as well as put some unnecessary questions into a young child’s mind about where they really belong, what life would have been like with their birthmom, etc. I truly don’t see the benefit of an ongoing relationship with a birthmother, past having a mediator to obtain medical information as needed.

 

[Shlemele]

OK to clarify… I really hope that by closed adoption nobody means that you don’t tell the child that he/she is adopted, or wait untill the child is 18. That is from what I have seen that is about the worst thing to do.

Princess_Abby:

As Malia said, I think it’s utterly wrong for any little child to be confused by “birthmom” and “adoptive mom.” Who, then, is the “real” mom??!

This is the problem with peoples perceptions. I don’t have just one mother, I have two. One raised me for nine months and then loved me enough to give me to my other mother who raised me. If one of your children asked you witch you loved more can you say who? The same is true for both of my mothers. For me and many other adoptees the idea of family is more fluid, you might say that blood runs thicker than blood.
Feanaro's Wife:

I don’t see how an open adoption could be easier on a child. But then I guess it depends how open it is.

Wait about 20 so years when the child wants to see about having children of his/her own. Not knowing what to look for as far as family history is gut wrentching. I inhereted migranes from my Bio-father, instead of knowing about it I was in the emergenct room because the symptoms looked like an anurism or a tumor. knowing a BASIC family health history would have saved me and my pairents a LOT of stress, but a closed adoption doesn’t allow for ANY information.

An open adoption allows for the bar to be set before all the paperwork is done. This is why I suggest a good lawer. One who has experiance will guide you in the best ways to set the bounaries for both parties. The kicker is that in 18 years a lot can change and a closed adoption removes all options for the child (in my case me) especially the old kinds (pre '84).

Princess_Abby:

I truly don’t see the benefit of an ongoing relationship with a birthmother, past having a mediator to obtain medical information as needed.

With all due respect this shouldn’t be your decision. While limiting early on to prevent role confusion the adoptee has a RIGHT to his/her identity. If you want to set in the terms of the adoption that there is no contact before 16-18 years of age that is your right. After 18 it’s another story and if you do your best to prevent the child from knowing who his/her pairents are after that time you WILL damage your relationship. From what I have seen many pairents fall into the trap of being so insecure of who the child will love more that they end up pushing them away.

Anyways off the soap box… here is a good site for those who want to see how closed adoptions affected many of those adopted before 1984 Bastard Nation

*Bastard Nation advocates for the civil and human rights of adult citizens who were adopted as children. Millions of North Americans are prohibited by law from accessing personal records that pertain to their historical, genetic and legal identities. Such records are held by their governments in secret and without accountability, due solely to the fact that they were adopted.

Bastard Nation campaigns for the restoration of their right to access their records. The right to know one’s identity is primarily a political issue directly affected by the practice of sealed records adoptions. Please join us in our efforts to end a hidden legacy of shame, fear and venality.*

 

[Faustina]

I am someone who put a child up for adoption. I am glad I went with a closed adoption and it has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the child I put up for adoption.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I think about him every single day. I know that due to the strict screening process, his parents are financially stable, stable marriage, Catholic and really wanted a child. I did not want him to be confused as to which was his mother or with him feeling like he had two mothers.
I was able to get on with my life and he, his life.
Now that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him, I do. However the ball is in his court. There is a letter for him in the State Archives for him, when he wants it. And a closed adoption does not mean, waiting until the child is 18 before telling them they are adopted. The agency I went with, encouraged the parents to tell the child as soon as they are able to understand.
The laws are loosening up about adoptees finding their birth mothers. This has happened very recently in my own family with my uncle.
As far as Bethany agency, there was recently a story about how they will not put any children they have with Catholic couples. Their view is Catholic teaching is not compliant with their mission statement. So I would check further into whatever agency you go with.
God bless you for wanting to adopt, but my personal feelings is closed adoption is the best, just keep an open mind, because the child may be wanting to find their birth parents. It is not a slight to the parents, but a curisousity factor.

 

[Faustina]

With all due respect to Shlemele-

The birth mother does have certain rights as well.  If she does not want to reveal her identity, then she has every right not too.  I do not agree with it, which is why I left a letter for my son.  In that letter I have put in all my information about myself I could think of.  Including  the fact I do want to see him, but he has to make the decision to want to see me.  That was my decision and one encouraged by the judge who oversaw the adoption proceedings.

Putting a child up for adoption is not easy, either with closed or open adoptions.  There are so many emotions involved, and it is not something that is black and white.

I worked in a hospital nursery for over six years.  There were many open adoptions that were suppose to happen.  Not one did.  They all fell thru for one reason or another.

 

[kaymart]

My son-in-law is from the most open of adoptions, he was adopted by the older 2nd cousin of his birth mother. His birth mother was only 14 at the time. There was never a real conflict (the birth mother lives in England) they live in the US. She recieves updates on her son, and even though she only in her late 30’s when she herself became a “grandma” she get regular photos of the children. But never tried to be part of her son life, which would naturally confuse a little child. She (birth mother) has since married and has a family of her own. Her daughters (10 and 13) learn of their “half-brother” just recently. If done in a mature and loving way, this kind of adoption can work. 27 years ago this very young girl could have easily had an abortion but she gave life. Because of her a childless couple raised a son and are grandparents now. And myself too, I’m a grandma because this woman choosed life as I am the mother-in-law of this young man. I, in noway condone premartial sex but I do want to say God Bless all the young girls who are in this diffcult situation who choose life. You are loving, giving and unselfish when you choose adoption.

 

[Princess_Abby]

Schlemele,

Wow. SO many assumptions on your part about my post and especially my intentions.

Your experience as an adoptee is certainly not representative of ALL adoptee’s experiences. IF you re-read my original post, you will see that I specifically mentioned the necessity of medical records being available. This, then, would be classified as a semi-open adoption. Nowhere in my post did I say I would never tell my children they were adopted. Considering we will probably have a multi-racial family, I think it should be pretty obvious from day one.

This is what I disagree with: Exchanging personal information beyond first names (no last names, no addresses, etc.); continued visitation throughout childhood; “updates” sent on a frequent basis. (That practice is purely for the birthmom’s benefit and has nothing to do with the child whatsoever.)

Once the child is 18 and IF they have a burning desire to locate their birthmom, then that is certainly something I would support them pursuing. If the birthmom does not WANT to be found, I would expect my child to respect that boundary and we (my husband and I) would help facilitate whatever resources needed to allow my child to accept a hard decision such as that. I just utterly disagree with a younger child being subjected to that sort of situation when they are ill-equipped to deal with the emotional consequences.

 

[rayne89]

Shlemele:

OK to clarify… I really hope that by closed adoption nobody means that you don’t tell the child that he/she is adopted, or wait untill the child is 18. That is from what I have seen that is about the worst thing to do.

Actually that was my circumstance. I found out (by accident) when I was 18. The intial shock and anger lasted a few days but I was about to get married so I really had to put my feelings about it on the back burner and concentrate on my upcoming wedding. I believe my parents had planned to tell me, my sister 9 years my senior knew she was adopted but I didn’t know that either of us were. My sister got sick with cancer when I was 11 and she died when I was 13, there was too much emotional stress already in our house and I think they just couldn’t handle anything else at that time.

I certainly don’t recommend not telling the child but in my case I’m glad I didn’t know. During my teenage years my relationship with parents especially my mom was very strained and I probably would have said things that I would have regretted later (things like “you’re not my real mom” kind of stuff.)

Shlemele:

I don’t have just one mother, I have two. One raised me for nine months and then loved me enough to give me to my other mother who raised me. For me and many other adoptees the idea of family is more fluid, you might say that blood runs thicker than blood.

I have two mothers one biological who gave me life and one raised and cared for me for 18 years. I think it’s a slap in the face to adpotive parents to say biological parents and the parents that cared, loved, worried about, stayed up all night when they were sick -that those two parents are equal. My relationship with my mom is often difficult but if I ever met my biological mom I would consider our relationship a friendship not a mother/daughter relationship.

Shlemele:

Wait about 20 so years when the child wants to see about having children of his/her own. Not knowing what to look for as far as family history is gut wrentching.

I was born with severe heart defects (undiagnosed until 7 months -long after my adoption) -probably just an anomally not genetic. I developed Crohn’s disease at 31 -probably passed on genetically. When I was pregnant with my daughter on all those family history forms I just put unknow and that was that. Whatever issues- health or otherwise I put in God’s hands. Nobody has perfect circumstances in life. There’s no point in being overwhelmed with stress when there is nothing you can to about it. If I don’t know I don’t know. I do favor medical disclosure but not any type of contact with biological mother.

Shlemele:

With all due respect this shouldn’t be your decision. While limiting early on to prevent role confusion the adoptee has a RIGHT to his/her identity.

My identity is not determined by my genes. My adoptive parents are Italian and German, and I consider myself Italian and German because I grew up in an Italian and German family. I have a friend who I grew up with that was adopted and we always knew it. As an adult she found her biological mother and she was very disappointed. I met her biological mother and she was nothing like my friend. My friend had the values and characteristics of the family that raised her.

And with all due respect adoptive parents are the real parents in every aspect except one -genes. The biological mother isn’t paying the bills, losing sleep when their sick, going to their dance recitals or baseball games, giving them the daily love and effection and decipline the child needs. The woman and man who raised and sacraficed for the child are the childs parents. The are not babysitters who fill in until the biological mother is ready to be a parent. I find you attitude completely ungrateful to the parents that raised you.

My parents have never given me any info but I did get some from a family friend who had some involvement in the adoption process. And I made sure my parents didn’t know I contacted her because I don’t want to hurt them, it very difficult for them to discuss. My mom developed mental illness after my sister’s death and my teen years were very difficult but she is still my mom, and my dad is my dad and I am their daughter. The are not substitute parents, or second class parents. They are my parents who’ve raised and loved and sacrificed for me.

I pray for my biological mom and maybe some day we’ll meet, but I know who I am and I don’t need to find her to find out.

 

[Shlemele]

rayne89:

I find you attitude completely ungrateful to the parents that raised you.

Don’t assume you know squat about me and my pairents. Did knowing I was adopted put a strain on our relationship at times, yes, but they never tried to hide it from me. I am married now and my Father spoke at my wedding. We have a good relationship, better than many natural born pairent-child relationships. That being said, I still have two mothers (not sure about my Bio father, but that is another story) . Say what you will about bio. mothers, they still chose not to abort and that takes a LOT of guts. Of course she could have been selfish and kept you too but nevermind…

Here is the thing, we were both adopted but in different ways. I always knew I was adopted so in the years when I was forming my identity and learning what a family was I was exposed to the truth that I had two mothers. I also learned that my biological mother went to a serious effort to make sure that the psople who adopted me where a good christian family (the adoption was arranged through a pastor that my dad metin semenary) and would care for me the best they could and give me a life she couldn’t. I don’t expect any more than that from her but I still think that makes her more than an incubator. I’m aware of the fact that if I do meet her some day that I might not like what I find but to me it’s important to know. If it’s not important for you then that’s ok but don’t assume that just because you were adopted too that you have walked in the same steps as me.

rayne89:

I certainly don’t recommend not telling the child but in my case I’m glad I didn’t know. During my teenage years my relationship with parents especially my mom was very strained and I probably would have said things that I would have regretted later (things like “you’re not my real mom” kind of stuff.)

My first memory of being aware I was adopted I think I used that line. The difference was that I was 4-5 at the time and I had years to process it before I was a teenager. I actually had a ex-girlfriends mother try to screw with my head and tell me that my pairents didn’t love me as much as my natural-born brother. The difference is that I was prepaired for that. I remember growing up wondering what my life would have been like had my bio. mother not given me up, again I understood what my life woud have been like. That is the difference my apirents made sure to equip me with the understanding that I was adopted and that it didin’t make me any different as far as they were concerned.

 

[Viki59]

Hope75:

. Has anyone had an open adoption? I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut you may have.
Thanks.

We have two open adoptions, at least they began that way. We met my son’s birthmother, who was 14 when he was born and 16 when we met her, and have photos of her with our son. But then she disappeared and we have no idea where she is, except that she had three children after him and they were also placed for adoption.
My daughter has had a visit with her birthmother, who has been in prison most of the time since her birth. We sent letters about once a year through a relative with whom we keep in touch. It was helpful for my daughter to have the meeting as her b’mother assured her that she was very loved, but that she was just unable to care for any child. My daughter has said things in anger like “I’d rather be living with my birthmother,” (she’s only 8), but I try to be kind in my responses.
It’s not a perfect situation either way. My son feels bad that his birthmom disappeared, and my daughter that she can’t see hers more, but they both know we love them. They will grow up with the emotional resources that they need. If they want to search then, that’s fine with us.

 

[rayne89]

Don’t assume you know squat about me and my pairents.

I apologize if I came on too strong. I do realize every situation is unique. I guess my response came from the fact that your posts seem to state that all adopted children need to have open adoption situation in order grow up and become healthy well adjusted adults.

I am very greatful to my biological mother. She saved my life twice-once by not having an abortion and a second time by placing me for adoption. WIth the complicated medical condition I have I was very lucky to be placed with parents who had the means and the knowledge to get me the best medical care available. At my original diagnoses at 7 months they told my mom I would die within 24 hours. From the little info I know my biological mother was a young unmarried woman with little support from her family, there is very good chance she couldn’t have provided the kind of care I needed to survive my heart problems. I think about my biological mother especially around my birthday -figuring she probably thinks about me too around that time. The main reason I would like meeting her is to thank her for giving my life and let her know I turned out ok. After giving birth to my daughter it really brought home what a huge sacrifice my biological mother made and how hard it must have been to let go of a child because it’s what’s best for them.

That being said it’s the parents that raised me who are my mom and dad, and I don’t see them as equal to the woman who gave birth to me. Maybe that sounds mean but that is how I feel. Maybe because I didn’t know about my adoption until I an adult I didn’t go through what alot of adopted children do. “Why did my mom give me away?” kind of stuff. The biggest irratation I went through is when my daughter was born hearing my mother in-law gush about my daughter had Aunt Jane’s eye’s & counsin Bob’s nose. For all I know she could have my bio mother’s eyes or my bio-fathers nose. So if that’s the worst of it, that isn’t too bad.

I wish you luck on you’re search and hope it will be a very positive experience for you. God Bless.

 

[katy]

As an adoptive parent of a now adult child, I would recommend against a totally open adoption. We had an extremely rocky experience in adolescence, and that is even more common in adoptive families than in families by birth. I feel almost certain that if it could have been done, the birth mother and we would have been played against each other to the detriment of our child. It took patience, counselling, sleepless nights, and a lot of prayer to make things come out OK, but they did. Medical records, etc. are something else, IMHO.

 

[FeatherIron]

Hello,

I have an open adoption but in November I had to cut off complete contact with the birth mother. I do still send pictures to the birth grandma but the birth mom is not stable and was very manipulative and psychotic.

Honestly I think the pendulim swang from the extremly-closed adoption, to the extremly open adoption, neither one being healthy for the child, and needs to come center. There needs to be a new definition of “open” adoption.

I have several entries on my blog about my troubles with our open adoption if you want to read them. javalinandsteele.blogspot.com.

Carole